AdamSF Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Hi everyone, to start, i am 23. this is my first post here but I really need help so i figured I'd give this a shot. I recently started dating a girl (also 23) that I have been really good friends with for nearly a decade. I've always had a thing for her, I'd even say that I love her, and until about a month ago she turned me down flat. We started hanging out more about a month ago, and 2 weeks back we started dating. She got out a 5 month long relationship (36 year old, ex heroin addict, jobless, but grows weed for a living and dj's semi regularly) about 3 months ago which ended very poorly, she got pregnant, had an abortion, and the guy abandoned her and completely cut off contact. A few days ago he called her and apologized and said he wants her back. She still has "love" for him, but says she has strong feelings for me and wants to date us both. I am afraid of getting hurt by her but after our short relationship (which has been amazing) based on ten years of strong friendship, I don't want to lose her. I am afraid that I won't be able to get over her if I keep her in my life, but I don't know If I can leave either, and I am pretty sure I can't "just be friends." I don't know what to do... I can't sleep, don't really feel like eating much, and thinking about her with another guy makes me feel so sad. I just have a strong feeling I am going to lose out in the long run but I don't really know one way or the other. What should I do... Please help me! ~Adam
dahmworg Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Hi Adam, This young woman doesn't want the security and comfort of a loving relationship...she's into the excitement of taking risks and living on the edge if you ask me (not that you did!). Why else would she be so eager to go back to a man that is 13 years her senior and from what you say a major loser with the potential to give her Aids, tempt her to use illegal nasty drugs and who knows what else. You are the one that she should be with but you are safe, secure and she may think you will always be there no matter how long it takes her to come back. Do not settle for sloppy seconds, you deserve better! And you will find better ...just give yourself some time and believe that you deserve the best that life has to offer. Jan
daphne Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Don't put yourself down by agreeing to date her while she dates that guy. She needs to work out whatever issues she has that keeps her hooked to someone who's no good for her or anyone really. I wouldn't try to remain friends with her in the hope that she changes her mind. It will kill your self esteem, and even if you got her back you're not getting a prize. Also, ask yourself why you want her when she's not good for you. When we lack confidence, we overlook really unattractive traits or behaviors and place someone who is undeserving on a pedestal. I would move on if I were you.
BuJin Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 I don't know what to do... I can't sleep, don't really feel like eating much, and thinking about her with another guy makes me feel so sad. I just have a strong feeling I am going to lose out in the long run but I don't really know one way or the other. What should I do... Please help me! ~Adam Been there before! Run Forest run! Remember this... We all get what we deserve! That is precisely what I told the GF in my situation, and started dating. I did get what I deserved, I met and married a wonderful woman that is everything I ever wanted in a woman and I am madly in love with her, she is my soul-mate. My now ex-GF got what she deserved as well, the ex-BF dumped her again with a few months! We all get what we deserve. That is how the universe works!
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 We all get what we deserve. That is how the universe works! That's ridiculous, and unfortunately not the way the world works, otherwise the criminal justice system would be flawless. Which it is far, far from. See: Karla Homolka. I find it questionable that you call her the "love of your life" after dating for only two weeks.
cybersister Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 you have known this girl for ten years. friendship is precious. I would not be in a relationship with her while she is with this other guy. Your own self esteem demand it. Tell her you will hold her in your heart - you will be there for her as a friend when she comes to her senses. And in the meantime get on with your life.
BuJin Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 That's ridiculous, and unfortunately not the way the world works, otherwise the criminal justice system would be flawless. Which it is far, far from. See: Karla Homolka. Think a little deeper and it may not seem so ridiculous.
rod_in_gtown Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 I never advocate for ultimatums but this is the one time when you have to put your foot down. Tell her you know you're a great guy, and that you don't deserve to be second best. If she wants to date the other guy then she can't have you. Love yourself. She'll either love you for it, or she's not worth it. There is no "one" for us out there, there are many, she may seem like the love of your life but she's not. You're young. you'll meet more women and you'll realize how wrong it is for her to ask you to do this. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. I had this happen to me once, and I put my foot down. she chose the other guy and later regreted it. Karma is quite powerful stuff.
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