Adumbidea Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Here's the situation... I'm a virgin, so is the girl I'm "dating". She's the same age as me. We met online, found we have all the same interests, beliefs, and morals. Both not religious, but morality is important to us. I want to wait until marriage (yes, I'm guy) she doesn't. We got along so well, we have so much in common, we've yet to really have an argument. We discuss our plans, our dreams, our fantasies, and eventually we start you know, viewing one another on webcam. She lives literally on the other side of the world. I guess in that sense, it was safe. See, one way we're also similar, we both have social disorders. She mentions that she'll be taking a trip through where I am, and we talk fantasizingly about how we could meet, and have a little tryst together. However, the playful scenario becomes serious. Soon she's rented a hotel room, and bought us tickets for where we're going, and I start to worry that I'm actually going to have to follow through. To go up there and meet her, and you know, have sex with her. Which I feel would compromise my morals, despite us both being in our twenties. Then she finds out the airline won't extend her time here, so she starts planning other ways we can meet each other. She says she'll pay for me to come to one of her other stops (it was sort of a cross-country trip) and I try to use this as my excuse. I wouldn't feel comfortable going to any of those spots I say, so try to back out of the trip then. She's absolutely devastated. She's crying, and talking about how she changed the whole plans around for me, and I say you know, I'm sorry, but I can't go to those places. So she goes through the expense of adding an entirely new stop right near me so I won't have any excuse not to meet her and reluctantly, I agree. The thing is, in her mind we may as well already be married. She's talking about moving to my country and living with me, and how we could get married and support one another's careers and so on. And we haven't even actually met yet. Now, I told you, we get along reall well, and have an unbelievable amount in common... But she used to be extremely overweight. She still is somewhat, but she's losing it you know. And ordinarily I don't mind if a girl is slightly chubby but you know... I've seen her on webcam sans clothes, and I'm just completely and utterly repelled by how she looks undressed. I don't want to be meanly specific, but even if she lost all the weight, the body wouldn't get much better. In three vague words, "melty, small, saggy". Aside from the physical, she's pretty much perfect for me. We can have long conversations about anything. But, how is a long-term relationship going to work if that physical attraction isn't there? Her face is pretty. Now see, I don't even really want to go and sleep with her. Meet her, hang out, yes. If nothing else I want to remain friends with her. How do I end the relationship without hurting her feelings though? I can't exactly say "You're ugly. I don't want to have sex with you." And I figure, if I wait until after the trip, until after we've spent three days having sex with each other, it's going to be much much harder to break up. Also, breaking up long distance is generally kind of cruel, and with her distance, that's pretty much my only option, unless I break up with her *when* we meet, but if I do that she's going to feel like she wasted all the money on the trip. I mean, I'm spending it and going mostly out of a sense of duty at this point. I said I would. Then there's also the part of me that's thinking, how rare is it that I find a girl I get along with this well? What if I end the relationship, and I never find another girl like her? I mean, I know other girls I could go out with who I'm far more *physically* attracted to, but not emotionally, and certainly none as overwhelmingly interested in me as this girl is. Now, I'm not going to cheat on her, that's just not in me, so that option's out. I had been thinking of purposely portraying myself as undesirably as possible. Not showering and acting like a total slob and such. But I suppose that's being dishonest. What the hell should I do? I actually thought for a second "Maybe if I could convince her to let me become a polygamist..." and that's just not a healthy thought.
Karma101 Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Now, I'm not going to cheat on her, that's just not in me, so that option's out. I had been thinking of purposely portraying myself as undesirably as possible. Not showering and acting like a total slob and such. But I suppose that's being dishonest. What the hell should I do? I actually thought for a second "Maybe if I could convince her to let me become a polygamist..." and that's just not a healthy thought. Oh my...
Beyond Eternity Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 So pretty much these feelings kicked in once you got to thinking AFTER she told you she was coming? You could be just be extremely nervous about your first encounter with her, it's bound to happen in any long distance relationship that's gone long before the first meet-up. You can do two things (in my opinion anyway), The first would be to wait until she comes, actually spend time with her and see what she is like in person. Don't forget people might act one way online or on the phone that they might not even act like in person. If you're worried about weight, recall that images and viewing someone on a screen adds weight to them as well. She could actually arouse you with her presence for crying out loud! If you don't know what I mean by 'presence', I simply mean the way she is, the way she walks, the way her body moves. These simple things you wouldn't think of, because you can't, because you've never been with her. So to blow this off before you're with her, is a very, very bad idea. You must be really really nervous as you've stuck with her from before when she weighed even more according to you, that didn't bother you before? Calm down and take time to think. If you meet up and you still don't feel anything and strongly feel like you do not want to have sex with her, by all means, tell her. She cannot force you to participate, but it will not go well. At least have the guts to show it in person rather than hide away in a phone call or a message, you might never see her in person if you blow it off now. You could be wondering what it would have been like if you did for many years after this. The second thing would be to leave her if you strongly feel it, which I highly advise against doing. You need to think some more and gather your thoughts, surely you're not as shallow as you make it seem if her looks bother you that much...
norajane Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 we both have social disorders. Just tell her this whole thing has gotten out of control for you, and you really can only have her in your life from a distance.
Simon Leon Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Just say.... You just slip out the back, Jack Make a new plan, Stan You don’t need to be coy, Roy Just get yourself free Hop on the bus, Gus You don’t need to discuss much Just drop off the key, Lee And get yourself free
happyorb Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 My impression is that you led her on. If you were uncomfortable with her plans to see you, why didn't you just say that? You made excuses about how you couldn't travel, so she thought the problem was travel and she fixed it. Now you're stuck seeing her. Why? Because you misled her. You could have just said, "I'm not ready to see you." Or, "This is moving too fast, let's push the plans out." Or, "I'm not willing to be physical with you, because of my beliefs." (And if she still comes out anyway after that, then at least you know that it is OK to be friends only.) I also suspect that if she has a pretty face, she's going to be desirable when she loses the weight. You wouldn't believe how hot some of my schoolmates were at the 10 year reunion. People change.
Recommended Posts