Stuck in limbo for next 4 months until separation

[Darius79]

Hi all. I've been reading threads on here for the past few weeks gaining some clarity and perspective on my own situation. I finally decided to register and post my own story to hopefully gain some advice on where I currently am.

 

I'm 28 (soon to be 29), married for 7.5 years w/ 3 children (6, 5, 2). My wife and I met in high school, dated off and on back then before I moved onto college and she stayed in our hometown. Through chance we happened upon each other 2 years after that, there was an attraction, eventually we began dating again, got engaged and got married. It wasn't an ideal wedding by any stretch of the imagination. The date had to be moved up, things weren't exactly extravagant, but we were together with our soon to be family starting and we were happy. We had our ups and downs, I commuted (and still do) 150 miles daily for my job simply so we could be close to our families (more her, than I).

 

Eventually, I started to grow complacent and started to regress into negative behaviors. I would play video games or surf the 'net to 'zone out' and not have to stress about work or money concerns. My wife would do all these great things on a daily basis and I simply stopped responding or being outwardly appreciative of her. We had our talks in the past and I would say I would work on things, but I never truly 'tried'. This past spring I started to become consciously aware of this darkening and brooding nature I was showing and became aware of how stressed my wife was becoming. I truly thought that she was stressing from the same things as I.

 

Then on the evening of June 20th, I was checking our bills and looking at how much the cell phone bill was (the previous month it was nearly double its normal amount). I don't know why, but I looked at the call record and noticed a very frequent number being called and texted. I confronted her and at first she attempted to cover it, but then relented and said it was another man, and not just any man, but the father of our son's best friend. He had gone through 2 marriages already and I suppose saw his window of opportunity. My wife stated how unhappy and lonely she had become and he was only too happy to fill that void I left...

 

I asked her to stop all contact with him (even at my son's loss) and that we take steps to 'fix things'. For the first time in a long time I actually began to make a strong effort at positive change. I started seeing a counselor that week and also started investigating medications and therapy for my depression (which I figured I had after much reading and talking). I immediately dropped all of my 'distractions' and became more positively distracted. Rather than play a game, I would do something constructive or take my kids somewhere. For 3 weeks I started to feel like things could be different.

 

My wife had planned to go on a vacation to FL to visit her sister and friends (this was planned and agreed upon months ago) and she had confided in me that originally this trip was planned to be her 'going away' and that she was going to leave me when she came back. She told me that she had a lot of thinking to do and after a long talk the night before she left, she said we would work on 'restarting' our marriage when she returned. She was gone for 10 days and it took her only 30 minutes in the car ride home to tell me that she had come to a decision and that she wanted a divorce ASAP (because she didn't love me any more). Frantic and saddened, it was probably the longest hour drive of our life. I had spent the 10 days trying to be the best husband/father I could imagine, doing daily activities with the kids, remodeled our closet, refinished the bedroom furniture, even cleaned almost the entire house and our cars. Quite the let down and awkward response I had to receive when we walked into the house for a 'surprise' party with our kids, only carrying the burden of what we had just finished talking about.

 

In the next few days, I challenged her and asked her what she wanted and how quickly she wanted to end things. She regressed from wanting an immediate divorce to giving it a few months to agreeing that we separate. The only problem is that our two oldest kids were going into school in 10 days (1st & K) and her plan was to move out to FL in January (we live in CO), with our kids. I immediately relented and told her that it was too far and that it wouldn't work. We were already financially strained enough, there's no way we could live that far apart and have any reasonable expectation that I can see the kids enough for mine and their sake...

 

She was home for a few days when she opted to drop another bomb on my heart. While she was in FL, she had another fling with a person that she had met the previous year down there. A quick backstory, he's a young 20's pilot that was "best friends" with my sister-in-law's ex, oh yeah and my sister-in-law also had an affair with him too (high moral fiber we're talkin here). I questioned if he had any bearing on her decision and she said that he didn't as she didn't want a relationship or future with him and that she was happy 'being friends'. She said she did it simply because the previous 3 weeks she was still forcing herself to be happy with me and that she truly was unhappy and just wanted to 'get lost in paradise and enjoy herself' while on her vacation.

 

A couple months have passed now and things have cooled a little bit and we've 'talked out' a few things. The first OM is pretty much out of the picture. Contact is at a minimum (if at all) and my son has new friends that we have him hang out with. However, OM #2 is still around. My wife talks to him on a frequent basis and texts him even more. She says that they only talk about 'meaningless stuff' but that they always tell each other they miss one another. She continues to reassure me that she's not interested in him in any way other than friends, but her actions counter that.

 

She tells me that she wants to separate in January and that she still plans to move to FL with the kids with the expectation that I stay here and work at my current job. However, a couple weeks ago she offered to me that it would be nice if I could find a job out there and move with them at the same time (just still live separate) so that the burden on the kids wouldn't be as great. Yet again, from a emotional and career sense I don't know how rational that would be.

 

I'm still getting therapy and currently taking meds for depression and anxiety (though it's a light dose so I don't know how 'needed' it is). I made the personal commitment to get rid of my distractions by selling off most of my video game collection (earned a nice chunk of cash) and also became more physically active again (dropped 21 lbs since this ordeal started).

 

My W and I still operate under these factors: We still live in the same house, we act like we're best friends, we're still 'physical' with each other (if not moreso), we still make joint decisions on everything in our house and kids' lives. She still 'acts like my wife' on occasion by doing little nice things like making my lunch & coffee for work, ironing my work clothes and the other little things she would do. I do household chores now like a man possessed (almost putting her 'out of a job' in her words), I'm more at peace with myself and I feel healthier outside of the stress related to what's going on.

 

So, I guess where I stand is:

 

- I'm stuck in this limbo until January since we've both agreed that a separation is needed for us to reassess where we are at and how we truly feel about one another. Until then though, I'm stuck as not quite a husband/not quite a friend with her and there's no way for us to separate prior to that. My wife doesn't want to make this any harder on the kids until we're ready to separate and the reason we're staying 'together' right now is to allow the kids to go to school (as my daughter was beyond ecstatic to begin K at her school) and to allow me some time to catch my breath from everything that's happened.

 

- My wife continues contact with the OM and refuses to diminish it in any form. She's told me she has two options: Either tell me what they talk about when they talk OR Not tell me when they talk and leave me in the dark. The only problem is that my wife hates having to lie to me (yes, I know, eyeroll of all eyerolls) and would prefer not having to do the latter. The former is OK except that whenever she does talk to him I get emotionally downed because of the limbo I'm stuck in and the friendship between these two.

 

- Right now I'm totally focused on making myself happy again for the sake of myself and making myself the best damn dad I can be to my kids. Part of the failure in this situation was my behaviors around them and how I interacted with them. I know they're the one thing I can be positive to and make strides in building a stronger relationship with.

 

- My wife and I are equal and understanding in this separation that it is what we need right now and it is the right thing to do. My wife needs to be able to prove to herself that she can be strong on her own and that she doesn't need to cater to or settle for someone else's needs (these are her words). I need to be able to refocus on what motivates me in life and makes me happy and if someone else is along for the ride, then that's just gravy.

 

I do carry the hope that my wife and I could reconcile and that our children can grow up with both of their parents living together. But, I also carry the expectation that this separation is the beginning of the end (simply to not allow myself to get too built up on something that may never occur). This issue has been the wake up call for me to change in a way I should have changed a long time ago (or I suppose should have been all along since my current behavior/attitude mirrors that of premarital me). I'm choosing to try and not dwell on the negative things that have occurred because there's nothing I can do to reverse them (it's just f'in hard). I'm also trying to maintain a positive relationship with her in hopes of it making things better in the future (whatever that may be).

 

I know my story may jump around a lot, but really a lot has happened in the last 3 months and much of it has been beaten into the ground in my memories. If there's any advice to be doled out, I'm all for listening to it, because right now I hate this limbo I'm in and truly I'm looking forward to January just to have things change...

[TrustInYourself]

1. Why separate? What is the reason and plan behind the separation. I know your reasoning behind it probably stands somewhere in the realm of reconciliation after some time off. I highly doubt that your wife has the same intention with a separation.

 

2. Take a guess why she would consider a separation where she moves to FL.

 

3. That's good you are addressing your prior issues and implementing positive changes in your life for yourself and for your kids and your marriage. Keep with them, that is where you should be focusing the majority of your energy.

 

4. Your perception of the separation may or may not be the same as your wife's perception.

 

Why are you getting separated again? In case you don't know, you're just enabling your wife's affair. Make no mistake, it's an affair. An emotional affair and soon to be physical affair. If you don't mind sharing your wife with another man while you sort out your issues, have fun with your separation.

 

If you're truly intent on working on your marriage, you need to take charge of the situation for your own sanity.

 

I understand your mindset too. You want to give your wife space so she can love you. If that was truly her intent, but given her past behavior, I think not.

 

She's going to this OM and it's going to reinforce her thoughts on divorce once again. So you can choose. Force the issue, put it all on the line and fight for your marriage, possibly losing your marriage. Or you can just put the power in your wife's hands, who has already shown she's ready and willing to throw it all away for the sake of paradise and passion.

[Darius79]

Her reasons for wanting to separate are because she says she isn't in love with me anymore. She feels that her and I function better on a friend level, but once 'titles' get involved, things hit the fan. She also wants to revalidate her own feelings as a mother and individual, things she feels she lost by striving to make me happy on a daily basis and not getting back the affection or respect she wanted. Lastly, she wants to be close to her sister again who was removed from her life for 5 years due to a very abusive XH.

 

I understand and am fearful that she would use this separation as a means to pursue other relationships, especially w/ the current OM (who I forgot to mention lived in MI, he just visits FL from time to time). My wife knows the complexities of where she's at and what she's trying to do by taking the kids with her, so I do have to trust her instincts as a mother that she'll do the right thing for them over her instincts for her own gratification.

 

I'm truly intent on wanting to fix our marriage, but with her saying that she doesn't feel the same way about me right now, I don't see how I can force her to stay and try and see if she falls in love again. Right now I'm just being supportive in her idea of wanting to move out to FL. She constantly reassures me she wants me in her life as a friend and our kids' father, I honestly think she's so emotionally drained and unwilling to feel anything for anybody that until she gets a taste of the 'grass on the other side' she's not going to consider alternatives right now.

 

I do know that her and I view this separation as different things. She looks at it as a means of easing into a divorce and I look at it as a way of saving our marriage by answering questions that would continue to linger otherwise. Yeah, I truly wish I could grab her cell, call the OM, tell him how I feel and them tell my wife that she's staying here and we're working it out, but I really think that would make the situation a lot worse.

[LostHusband]

I'm sorry to hear what is happening to you. It sounds like your wife is using you to transition into the separation/other relationship. A very similar thing happened to me, I was in limbo land for 8 months. I continued living with my wife all that time even though I knew she was eventually leaving. During that time, the wife and I got along better and connected better than we have since we first started dating. There were many down moments (texts to other men) but I tried to ignore them and enjoy the time I had with my wife. I too thought spending that much quality time with her would eventually change her mind, but it changes nothing. Nothing will change in her heart until she gets out there and finds out what life without you will really be. Even then, it is no guarantee that she will even change then, chances are she wont. I would like to tell you to enjoy the last few months you have with your wife, but it is going to make it MUCH harder to let go once she is finally gone. You actually would have a better chance at saving your marriage if you just went ahead and separated now, but that too is a near impossible decision for you to make.

[TrustInYourself]

Her reasons for wanting to separate are because she says she isn't in love with me anymore. She feels that her and I function better on a friend level, but once 'titles' get involved, things hit the fan. She also wants to revalidate her own feelings as a mother and individual, things she feels she lost by striving to make me happy on a daily basis and not getting back the affection or respect she wanted. Lastly, she wants to be close to her sister again who was removed from her life for 5 years due to a very abusive XH.

 

I understand and am fearful that she would use this separation as a means to pursue other relationships, especially w/ the current OM (who I forgot to mention lived in MI, he just visits FL from time to time). My wife knows the complexities of where she's at and what she's trying to do by taking the kids with her, so I do have to trust her instincts as a mother that she'll do the right thing for them over her instincts for her own gratification.

 

I'm truly intent on wanting to fix our marriage, but with her saying that she doesn't feel the same way about me right now, I don't see how I can force her to stay and try and see if she falls in love again. Right now I'm just being supportive in her idea of wanting to move out to FL. She constantly reassures me she wants me in her life as a friend and our kids' father, I honestly think she's so emotionally drained and unwilling to feel anything for anybody that until she gets a taste of the 'grass on the other side' she's not going to consider alternatives right now.

 

I do know that her and I view this separation as different things. She looks at it as a means of easing into a divorce and I look at it as a way of saving our marriage by answering questions that would continue to linger otherwise. Yeah, I truly wish I could grab her cell, call the OM, tell him how I feel and them tell my wife that she's staying here and we're working it out, but I really think that would make the situation a lot worse.

 

I understand her reasons for wanting to separate. I understand the validity of that need for a separation. I understand why you need to accept it and not fight it. The question I have for you is why a separation? Why not a divorce? You should convey to your wife a sense of understanding. If she doesn't love you, then you should divorce. Unless you prefer to be dragged through the mud for the sake of a piece of paper.

 

Does she value you? Does she value the marriage as much as you do? What behavior has she exhibited while moving out and being on her own. Self discovery? Or does she go out and gratify herself? If you want to argue the opposite, you need to explain why she would have changed.

 

If you want to save your marriage and possibly have another chance at spending your life with that woman, you won't allow her to trash you or your self-respect. Take the high road by being above her petty needs for finding love/herself.

 

Quite frankly, if she's contacting the OM in your face, that's a direct slap in the face. She doesn't respect you. That anger you feel...yeah there's a reason for that. What's next, are you going to invite the OM over for tea and watch him get it on with your wife?

 

Excuse me for being blunt, but face the facts. Separation is a decision that leads to divorce. The only way you are going to save your marriage is by confronting the affair. What's the worse that could happen? Divorce? Separation?

[In Like Flynn]

Check with a lawyer but usually a spouse can't move kids to another state without the other spouse agreeing to it in the divorce papers. If she goes to Florida your marriage is over period!!! Why should you have to move to accomadate her affair??