beautifullove Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Well, obviously I never did change my cell number. Why???? Because I was hoping that one day he would call and apologize, and say you were right to have doubts about our R. Well, if you've read any of my posts, some very long, he ended up doing a runner, and told me he was never coming back. His wife text me to say that he went back to her, and added that he went back on his own. When XMM and I got together, we had numerous conversations about whether he was sure his M was over (because he was separated when we met). She knew he was dating again, and I'm pretty sure she got her groove on (I won't go into it now - it's irrelevant). Anyway, he said goodbye, and I never saw him again. He called a few times, before I found out he went back, and he called again a couple of days ago. Our breakup was 2 months yesterday. The fact is, he obviously didn't know that his W text me from his phone to tell me they were together (even though I found out for myself), and he talked as if he was living in another city (away from his wife). So I told him that his W told me the truth. He starts mumbling, "Oh she must have used my phone when I went to pick up my son, so what she said is not the case." I wanted to yell at him, but kept my composure. He went on to say that he loves me, and I tried to stop him. He the said, "No, let me finsish, I know I must have hurt you leaving the way I did, and I'm sorry I hurt you. I will always love you." I wanted to yell again, but didn't. What I want to know is, why is he still lying about the obvious?? He had a chance to come clean, why didn't he. Surely, he should be proud of himself for trying to make his M work??? For me the apology is enough, I don't need the lies.
whichwayisup Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Because he probably wanted the A to continue, for you to see him and be the OW again, on HIS time frame - again. Time to change your cell phone number. Don't try to figure out the why's. It'll just drive you crazy.
jj33 Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 That is so galling. Why? Because he obviously isnt trying to make the marriage work - or at least not in the conventional sense. Or else he wouldnt be contacting you. And how clever of him to blame the fact that he was caught in a lie on his W? I cant imagine how much it must hurt to be in that position, to hear from him only to get more lies but the best thing you can do is see it as a confirmation. A confirmation of the fact that he is not the man for you. Because if he were this wouldnt have gone that way. If he had called to tell you he was sorry he hurt you rather than with more lies, it would have been painful but for him to call with more lies means its time to just shut the door. As difficult as that may be right now. Take good care.
wildsoul Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Ugh! :sick: Well, you didn't get the kind of closure you were hoping for, but you DID get a clear answer. He doesn't want to "come clean." He wants to re-engage you in the A by lying right to your face. He has no integrity whatsoever. Forgive yourself for getting caught up in this and move on. You were already moving on anyways. This was just an additional thread that needed to be cut. SNIP!
Author beautifullove Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 I thought about changing my number, but asides from the fact that I wanted closure, many important people have my number, here in the states and abroad, and I don't have the time to go through all my contacts and change my info. I already allowed him to inconvenience me once, and I won't let it happen again. The strange thing is he called me about five minutes ago, and again tried to make it look like he is in another city. This time I laughed it off and said to him, why do you keep lying about where you are staying? I told him he should be proud of the fact that he chose to work on his marraige. He then said to me, "Why would I lie about that? You knew I was M when we met. " So I responded (and couldn't wait to say this) "Well, if you were honest from the beginning and told me you weren't sure whether your M was really over, I would never have got involved with you in the first place." (I felt very good being able to say that). He was silent for a minute and then he changed the conversation by asking me if I've met someone, and saying he misses his best friend (me), and get this, that he still loves me very much. He told me since I don't want him to say he loves me, he won't say it anymore. He told me he had a wealth of information on healthy eating that he wanted to share with me (he only got into healthy eating when we were together). He asked me how I was, and I told him I was fine. I asked him how he was (not that I give a toss) and he told me that he is maintaining, but things could be better. He went on to talk about this bs job training he's doing, and that I could somehow get something out of it (he must be off his rocker). I wanted to say to him, you must have lost your damn mind. Where does he get off saying s**t and blatantly lying. He even said he will give me his number (I said nothing, but I don't want it, or him). As much as I love him, even if he came to me with divorce papers, I would want to tell him to go to you know where. I want to have the last say. I AM NOT FINISHED WITH HIM.
wildsoul Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 I AM NOT FINISHED WITH HIM. :eek: Noooooooo! Don't let your anger and wanting to get the last word in be a thread that keeps you in contact!:eek:
Owl Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 What, specifically, do you mean when you say that? You're "not finished with him".? Are you saying that you want revenge? Are you saying you want the affair to continue? Neither one is going to do you any bit of good at all. Why not actually PREVENT him from dragging you back into all this??? Why not focus on the POSITIVES in your life, rather than him??? I really do NOT understand why someone would not take a simple step to block someone out of their lives if they really, truly, did not want more contact with them. If its just about revenge...what can you really do to him??? That will MATTER, when its all said and done?
whichwayisup Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Why are you even talking to him? As soon as you knew it was him on the phone when you answered, the next line out of your mouth should've been, "I'm hanging up, don't call me again, goodbye.." Instead, you allowed him to engage a conversation with you, and he told you blah blah blah like you were his buddy. He has NO respect for you, especially when he said, ""Why would I lie about that? You knew I was M when we met." Uhh, hello! This guy is now trying to put the blame on you. And you are letting him by answering his questions. When he asked if you were seeing someone else, you should've said, that's none of your business. Go home to your wife and stop calling me. If you don't stop I WILL call HER and tell her YOU won't leave me alone." Hopefully that would make him stop and think. The longer you allow him in your life, he'll have control over you. Block his number and don't answer calls you don't recognize, let it go to voicemail. Don't do the revenge thing .
Author beautifullove Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 As I was writing my post, he just called me again. This time he said, he felt in his heart that he needed to say sorry, to apologize for all the stress that he caused me, all the pain, and that he is truly sorry. He said he should never had said the things he said. I asked him what he was referring to. He said he was talking about when he said he loved me, I took the opportunity to say that I thought he was talking about the time when he accused me of wishing evil on his wife, and when he said he was never coming back. This feels so good to finally have the opportunity to say the things I wanted to say. NC has served me well, but I wasn't able to say the things I needed to say. Then he said that he hopes I can forgive him. Again, this is what I've been waiting for. I said the only way I can forgive you is by knowing the truth. I told him that he couldn't hurt me anymore than what he has done already, and that the truth would enable me to forgive him and have closure. I told him there is no way I can forgive him based on lies. He said that he would call me this evening and tell me everything. For some reason I find this hard to believe when he won't even come clean about where he is. WWU - I don't think I'll have to change my number, because I believe I'm strong enough now to never want him back. I've got to the point where I now know he wasn't good for me. I will never call him, and once I get my questions answered, or feel I have enough information about what happened, I won't feel the need to answer his calls. JJ33 - I know I should cut him, but there's something I'm waiting for. WS - I didn't get the closure this time, but it looks like I may have a chance to get it tonight. I will see what happens when he calls (if he calls) this evening.
whichwayisup Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 You're allowing him to call the shots. You're vunerable and willing to "listen to him." That's dangerous..
Author beautifullove Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 OWL - I don't want him back. I don't necessarily want revenge, but I want him to recognize that you can't treat people like this and get away with it. I guess the reason why I didn't block him from calling me is because I was hoping for closure. The reality is I may never get it. But tonight is his last chance - honestly. He can never drag me back to that dark place. I felt furious when he said, "You knew I was married when we met." I want to say something so profound that he will never be able to get out of his mind. Any ideas???
Owl Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Sure... How about... "I HATE what you've done. I HATE what you've put me through. I HATE the kind of person I became as a result of your lies and deception and cheating. If you think that I have ANY desire to go back into that, you're a complete and total idiot. If you contact me again, for any reason whatsoever, I'll IMMEDIATELY contact your wife and let her know what you've been saying in full detail. I will also seek a restraining order, as I am telling you RIGHT NOW that I do not ever want to hear from you again." That should leave an impression. Thoughts?
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 I want to say something so profound that he will never be able to get out of his mind. Any ideas??? I promise you, nothing you can say will be profound enough to remain in his mind and it will leave you wanting to say more and more until you feel like you've got your point across... Only actions may get through to him and the only action I can see serving any purpose is to block his contact completely.
Author beautifullove Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 WWU - Yes. I am willing to listen, not because I will ever consider taking him back, but because I want to leave the past in the past, and find it difficult to do that the way my R with him ended. Believe me, I also have an ear for BS. Like I said, this is the last time I will give him the time of day. He's lucky he got 9months. I can be a cold b***h when I want to be. I was just giving him a platform to speak, and I knew if I made him feel uncomfortable he would shut down. Right now, he seems excited at the thought of us becoming friends again - yeah right! Maybe his W should know what he's up to.
Author beautifullove Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 OWL - I like what you said, but I don't want him to feel as though I'm angry. LNR - That's why I want to think of one thing that says everything. Maybe I'll re-word what OWL said. Based on what he says tonight, will determine how I end the conversation. Hopefully, it will be a mutual ending with me getting everything off my chest, and with closure. If not...
Owl Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 If you don't show him your anger...he's just going to keep coming. He needs to feel enough heat from you to feel that pressuring you to continue the affair is worse than useless...its dangerous. Otherwise, you're just going to waste time and energy. And risk resuming the affair still.
wildsoul Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 I want to say something so profound that he will never be able to get out of his mind. Any ideas??? "We're sorry, but the number you are dialing is no longer in service." "We're sorry, but the number you are dialing is no longer in service." "We're sorry, but the number you are dialing is no longer in service." beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-silence.*
Author beautifullove Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 WS - I haven't laughed in a few days. I don't know though - call me stupid, but what makes you guys think he is trying to continue the A??? I know you can never go back in time, but I wish he would suggest the idea, so I can get a chance to say what I should have said to start with. I shan't say what it is I should have said, but you know what I mean. I can't express enough how I will NEVER go back there. I want to go back to the day we met when and he told me he had 3 kids, 2 gran kids, worked in a warehouse, and was M for 11 (together for 14 or 15 years). Why didn't I run as fast as the gingerbread man, leaving behind my crumbs for him to eat. I guess I was hungry too. I had the crumbs alright, and on top of that they were stale.
jj33 Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Dont kid yourself. He wouldnt do that if he WERENT looking to continue the A. xMM did that a few times. Its a much different situation but the long goodbyes this cant be etc only to be followed by trying to sneak back in. As unbelievable as it would seem given the solid ending. As for what to say - I know preserving dignity is best and you dont want to be angry but depending on your personality sometimes speaking your mind just makes you feel better. Besides who cares what he thinks? Who cares if he knows you are hurt? If you are never going to see him again (or speak to him again) and getting your feelings off your chest will give YOU closure then who cares about him. Let him go back to his M knowing you loved him madly and he hurt you and let him live with that. Let him know it may take ages for you to forgive him. Why should he get your forgiveness while you suffer. Because as you inferred you are very unlikely to get closure from him. He lied again today. And even if he told you what he thinks is the truth (or so much of it as he is willing to face) it still may not make sense. Remember this is a guy who lied today about moving back in with his wife. He and integrity are not closely acquainted. Good luck tonite. I hope whatever you hear brings you more peace.
Owl Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 He's FISHING. He's looking for a way to worm his way back into your life, with the primary goal of resuming the affair. That load of crap about "healthy eating information" is a clear indicator of this. He's got no reason to share this with you otherwise. Think about this...there is no way in HECK he's going to risk his wife's wrath at hearing about resumed contact between the the two of you so he can share some information with you. He's not even going to do it to resume that 'friendship'...because he knows full well that it will be hell to pay when his wife learns about it. Nope...he's got one goal...resume the affair. Its the only 'reward' worth the 'risk' in this case. Don't fool yourself into thinking he's got goals anything short of getting you back into bed with him.
Author beautifullove Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 Thanks for the advice. I will be back later with an update. Trust me, I am taking all that you say into consideration. Thanks again!
jj33 Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Good luck and just remember they dont come back to invite you to play checkers... or to share healthy food tips. Without being cynical he has a history with you and that history is as your lover and best friend. He isnt coming back and lying just to be your best friend again. xMM did something really big for me today. It was like magic. A congressman wasnt able to do it but xMM had it fixed in under an hour. Why? So he could be my hero I guess. Does he want back in? I honestly dont think so but ?? So you just be careful. This guy is trying to work a different kind of magic.
Lolodelight Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Just been reading the threads - there are some funny posts! On a serious note, the man is trying to get back to you... I'm in a similar situation myself and the man is contacting me every day trying to be in my face every two minutes, I think, he's trying to sneak back in.
jj33 Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Its what they do again and again and again until they find a new toy to play with. And what would be funny if it werent so frustrating is that they think we wont notice!!! They are like children if I close my eyes you cant see me... Actually they are checking to see if the coast is clear. Are you still mad at me? Can I sneak back in without too much emotional drama...
Recommended Posts