My mistake: I acted like her girlfriend and NOT like her BF

[engravefeelthevoid]

Heey guys I'm just fresh out of a relationship with this gorgous girl I met 24 days ago, things happened soooo fast trust me we had a quik first kiss, said I love you too early and all, went out etc... then afer 24 days she calls and tells me she feels me as a friend more than a lover, and that she actually loved her ex who was beating her alot more than she loved me who gave her more freedom and was easier with her, so I thought alot about it and knew what my problem was.

 

When I gave her that much freedom and came to her workplace everyday to see her, I gave her soo much trust and attention, she started feeling i was like her girlfriends, especially that I WAS friends with her other gf's and things were going great between us as friends so I was in the group of friends, I noticed that I should;ve acted differently.

 

I should not have listened to all her demands of coming to her workplace everyday, I should have not given her that much freedom in seeing her other male friends out of work, fought with her when she told me to call her everyday 5 hours till dawn, fought with her when she said let's see eachother 2 days a week to the place she chose, etc... I gave her the freedom and I wasn't THE MAN in the relationship, I made one good move in getting mad at her once and turning off my mobile, she got crazy and sent me messages telling me she loved me and all that.

 

So did I learn the right lessons here ???

 

 

 

ps. I'm 19

[CaliGuy]

Sorta.

 

If you really want to learn your lesson read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (Glover). It'll show you how your behavior pushed her away and how to correct it so you can become a confident, self-assured guy.

 

Also there's a good chance that this woman's head isn't screwed on straight.

[Booker43]

Yeah you're half right.

 

Your problem is that you think there are rules on how to react to a woman's demands. There aren't. You were stupid in the sense that you did everything she asked whether you wanted to or not, but don't think that you needed to have "fought" with her over these things in order to keep her. A girl you need to fight with and get angry with in order for her to respect and admire you is not a girl worth having at all.

 

Just be yourself and be confident in yourself.

[carhill]

A girl you need to fight with and get angry with in order for her to respect and admire you is not a girl worth having at all.

 

Amen and OP please don't wait until you're married to find this out

 

You sound young, so consider this a course at Relationship U and move on. Tell us what you'll do differently the next time..... and don't include anything regarding conflict

[pfunkallstar]

Well for one thing, it's not a relationship if its 24 days old.

 

That's definitely not enough time to really get to know somebody.

 

I have a rule for myself: when I'm dating a girl I don't talk about a relationship until AT LEAST 3 months.

 

There are A LOT of women out there and there's no way I'm going to find out if she's long term compatible in less than 3 months.

 

And yes, you learned the valuable lesson of not succumbing to her every demand. The reason why she lost attraction in you is because you stopped being the MAN and more of the pet that follows her around and gives her endless validation.

 

The man should follow his own path and not deviate it for a woman he just met. Any sort of deviation (relationship talk maybe?) only comes when she has proven herself to be worthy of your attention.

 

In other words, you've got your own life and things to do. She lost attraction to you because she became your life.

 

It sounds like you gave her all this validation not because you liked her for who she was but because she was a hot chick that liked you.

 

It's "scarcity mentality" at its best meaning "I have this hot girl who likes me thus I have to shower her with validation and make her feel good because I'll never get another hot girl like this." Becareful of this thought pattern even if it's a subconcious one.

 

For one thing I find it a RED FLAG that any woman is asking to see me EVERY DAY after I just met her. I know that society and movies has ingrained in us the notion of love at first sight and if it feels like she's your soul mate then SHE IS!

 

Don't buy into this ****.

[engravefeelthevoid]

bless your words brother pfunk

[Balthazar]

Welcome to the modern Western Woman 101 young man.

 

This course can last a really...really long time if you don't pay attention to your mistakes.

 

You are probably better off dropping it completely and taking Other Women of the World 101.

Much easier course; more satisfying too.

Easier to ace!

 

Cheers,

[engravefeelthevoid]

1-I will take things slower even if I have a crush.

 

2-I will be the man in the relationship in the smallest details.

 

3-I will have my own path of life and will not alter mine to fit hers.

 

4-I will be hard at times, and soft at other times.

[Balthazar]

Rules to live by.

However, easier to say than to do as you will find out.

[carhill]

Yeah, I think, if he's more worried about the rules than the relationship dynamic, he'll be "soft" far more often than "hard"

 

Perhaps a healthier path would be to establish some personal boundaries to guide your actions and reactions.

 

Read those rules and imagine if a woman wrote them for herself to guide her interactions with you. Would you ever get together? Hmmm....

 

Bending within the limit of one's boundary can be a healthy thing

[engravefeelthevoid]

This is confusing...I'm not sure how to balance between seriousness and softness, which should dominate ??? what do I do next time ??????

[The Collector]

Avoid women who claim to be in an abusive relationship but have strangely not left, despite no one having a gun to their heads.

[carhill]

Amen

 

Such women are the most expedient path to being a girlfriend with a penis backed up by some very blue balls

[Chinook]

I'm just gonna barge in here and point a little something out. You are the one in control of your feelings and your responses to the relationship. A relationship is 50% on both sides, whether we like it or not. She is responsible for her side and you yours. Now... that said, what happened here primarily is pure and simple overkill. She gave you a bunch of bull about her ex, about how nice you are etc etc. That's rubbish. What happened here was simply the NRE kicked in and threw you both into it full steam ahead. Once the NRE dropped a few notches, reality kicks in. She simply reached reality before you did. You can't tell me that you would have been happy to continue in the same state at the same pace without flicking an eyelid... sooner or later, one of you were going to get sick of it, this time it was her. Simple as that. If it had been you, she'd be here posting what a lesson it is for her to have learned not to live in her partner's pocket. Fortunately for you, you seem to have learned this lesson pretty early and you seem to have taken strength from what YOU need in a relationship... as I said, a relationship is about two people, so why we then put the other person first all the time is beyond me.

 

Just my 2p of course.

[engravefeelthevoid]

then the balance moved towards her side right ????ok...I was cheap, I admit it, I acted like I was desparate and I trusted her too early with things I shouldnt tell a girl.....let's hope I did learn the right lesson and will get it all right next time...

[Chinook]

No, I'm not saying the balance shifted all the way over to her. I'm saying that in a relationship, we all do this... it's pretty standard stuff when the new relationship kicks off. But yes, when things began to settle down, that balance was still way over with her. I don't think you can place a time limit or a limitation on what kinds of things you can tell or who to trust. The big thing in relationships is power. Whether we like it or not, every single relationship is about power. In some the balance is equal - in most, it isn't. In those where it's equal it works. In those where it is unequal it either doesn't work or there is an acceptance on one or both side of the imbalance. I suspect at some point you would have become just as dissatisfied with the amount of time and effort you spent on her as she was... quite simply that kind of effort isn't sustainable. It's also quite possible that she could see that.

[Ronni_W]

I should not have listened to all her demands of coming to her workplace everyday, I should have not given her that much freedom in seeing her other male friends out of work, fought with her when she told me to call her everyday 5 hours till dawn, fought with her when she said let's see eachother 2 days a week to the place she chose

So did I learn the right lessons here ???

It might be more beneficial to phrase your lessons in terms of what you ought to have done (for yourself)...not what you "should have NOT" done (for yourself):

Express your own needs and desires; know your own limits and inner resources; request compromises; set and patrol your own boundaries; speak out for what you value and for what is important to you; always act in ways that allow you to grow your own self-respect, self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth; remember that YOU (your ideas, wants, needs, etc.) are important, valuable and significant...stand up for 'you'!

[Booker43]

This is confusing...I'm not sure how to balance between seriousness and softness, which should dominate ??? what do I do next time ??????

 

That kind of stuff you play by ear my friend.

 

Being a man in a relationship does not equal 'seriousness'. Do you think a woman would like a guy with a stern expression on his face all day and no sense of humor? Of course not. There could be men who laugh and joke all day that are still very attractive to women and maintain that attraction by being CONFIDENT in themselves.

 

When to be soft? Who said you had to be soft? All you have to do is show your girl that you care about her, and if you actually do care about her and stop thinking of how you have to "act" in certain situations you would be fine.

 

That doesn't mean don't do anything she says, just don't take away your manhood by doing it. For example, my girlfriend called me yesterday morning while I was at work saying she got no sleep and woke up sick, she said she was still going to class but asked if I could pick her up some medicine. By the time she got home from class the medicine was waiting on her desk and I was back at work.

 

I bought her that because she was sick, and I care about her and want her to get better. Do you think I would have left work if she called saying she's craving a bag of chips? Of course not. But she would never make a ridiculous demand like that because she knows she has a guy that wouldn't give in to bs like that.

 

Honestly dude just stop thinking in terms of how you have to act, and just don't take bs, and know that you are the man in your head and everything will fall into place.

[Chinook]

Good post Booker. It comes down to being able to see through the bs on both sides. I have another good example of this (and which was the nail in the coffin of my last LTR). I was very very sick having chemotherapy (yes, for cancer treatment). At the time, I was throwing up, being ill, temp through the roof and pretty much every bad thing you read about chemo happened to me. It was a long time ago and I'm well now but at the time, I wanted to be taken care of. My partner did two things. In the first week of chemo - he had a 'cold' and had to take a day off work. I find myself walking up the stairs with a tray with chicken soup, lucozade and water and I'm thinking 'wtf is wrong with this picture..?' and later that month, my partner's company offer him 6 months paid leave to take care of me and he says 'no, we need to keep things normal' so he fecked off to USA (we're in UK) to work for 6 months. It pretty much hammered home that through all the BS we'd been through... he came first all the time. The problem was... in that relationship, until I was ill, we were equal. The balance was good and it was only when I became ill... it changed. The funny thing is, I heard some place that people will always tell you how they will hurt you, whether they mean to or not. I recalled back when we first met 10 years earlier... he'd said he didn't like being depended on. Until I was sick, I never had depended on him. Like I said earlier... people will always show up who they are.. may take time, but it always comes good in the end.

[audrey_1]

Good post Booker. It comes down to being able to see through the bs on both sides. I have another good example of this (and which was the nail in the coffin of my last LTR). I was very very sick having chemotherapy (yes, for cancer treatment). At the time, I was throwing up, being ill, temp through the roof and pretty much every bad thing you read about chemo happened to me. It was a long time ago and I'm well now but at the time, I wanted to be taken care of. My partner did two things. In the first week of chemo - he had a 'cold' and had to take a day off work. I find myself walking up the stairs with a tray with chicken soup, lucozade and water and I'm thinking 'wtf is wrong with this picture..?' and later that month, my partner's company offer him 6 months paid leave to take care of me and he says 'no, we need to keep things normal' so he fecked off to USA (we're in UK) to work for 6 months. It pretty much hammered home that through all the BS we'd been through... he came first all the time. The problem was... in that relationship, until I was ill, we were equal. The balance was good and it was only when I became ill... it changed. The funny thing is, I heard some place that people will always tell you how they will hurt you, whether they mean to or not. I recalled back when we first met 10 years earlier... he'd said he didn't like being depended on. Until I was sick, I never had depended on him. Like I said earlier... people will always show up who they are.. may take time, but it always comes good in the end.

 

Excellent post. Yes, listen to what you're being told. Pay attention to the signs. In my former situation, he would say on a regular basis how he wasn't ready for a relationship, it wasn't what he wanted in his life, he expected women to care of themselves, he didn't want any responsibilities, and on and on. So, I was completely naive to, despite all of that, continue deeper with him over a year, to the point where I became emotionally invested and ended up hurt. Not my finest moment.

 

I had hernia repair surgery a few months ago, after which my father drove me to my home state for a little recovery. Even with my former SO offering to drive me back, when it came time to leave, he moaned and groaned, and acted like he didn't want to. He didn't open the car door for me, didn't offer to take my bag inside, and when I was getting out of the car, he stuck his lips out like he wanted me to kiss him, which would mean that *I* had to *lean over* to reach him. Abdominal hernia repair, and I have to bend at the waist to get a peck on the lips. Give me a f-ing break.

 

Sometimes things just aren't balanced, and it's a blatant incompatibility.

[Trialbyfire]

Avoid women who claim to be in an abusive relationship but have strangely not left, despite no one having a gun to their heads.

I agree with this to an extent but would like to add more to it. Relationship dynamics of an abuser/abusee is dysfunctional, in that something inside the abusee, agitates for more abuse. It goes back to how the person was treated when growing up within a family environment. Abuse = love, hence the need to agitate for more love.

 

Edit - I should state that I'm not putting the sole responsibility of the abusive situation on the abusee. There's no excuse for abusing anyone, physically or mentally.

[engravefeelthevoid]

I agree with this to an extent but would like to add more to it. Relationship dynamics of an abuser/abusee is dysfunctional, in that something inside the abusee, agitates for more abuse. It goes back to how the person was treated when growing up within a family environment. Abuse = love, hence the need to agitate for more love.

QUOTE]

 

 

mmm..So a little abuse is sexy depending on the abusee's history ??? maybe it should be more quoted with "we want what we can't have"

[Trialbyfire]

mmm..So a little abuse is sexy depending on the abusee's history ??? maybe it should be more quoted with "we want what we can't have"

Hell no, unless you're interested in someone who will continue to agitate for more abuse, escalating the agitation potentially to physical violence, if insufficient "love" is received. Run far away, if you know what's healthy for you.

[D-Jam]

Heey guys I'm just fresh out of a relationship with this gorgous girl I met 24 days ago, things happened soooo fast trust me we had a quik first kiss, said I love you too early and all, went out etc...

Relationship? That was more a hookup.

 

then afer 24 days she calls and tells me she feels me as a friend more than a lover, and that she actually loved her ex who was beating her alot more than she loved me who gave her more freedom and was easier with her, so I thought alot about it and knew what my problem was.

Dude...right here you see her real value. This is what I mean about warning people about bad people and bad behavior. The fact that she's hooked on an abusive ex and rejects someone good to her DOES NOT say you should change your gameplan (other than slowing down), but more to see her as being of NO VALUE TO YOU in your life.

 

Even if you got her for longer, she apparently has no respect for herself and loves being treated badly over being treated as an adult. She'll say that he's more masculine or take charge, but I'll bet when she's 30 it won't be so manly when her friends are in happy marriages and she's the one being used and tossed away over and over.

 

When I gave her that much freedom and came to her workplace everyday to see her, I gave her soo much trust and attention, she started feeling i was like her girlfriends, especially that I WAS friends with her other gf's and things were going great between us as friends so I was in the group of friends, I noticed that I should;ve acted differently.

OK...only mistake you made is smothering her. You need to slow down and lighten up.

 

HOWEVER, and I say this to death too all men out there. If a girl is going to see you as "one of the girls", friendzone you, reject you, etc. because you treated her with respect, then it's not you. It says she's not worth your time. Believe me, I don't care how much your 19 year old self sees her as hot, beautiful and you imagine her as a wonderful girlfriend. I'm 35 and I am NOT knocking all women, but it's amazing how many women I meet now are the older versions of your "ex". They have been beat up, abused, used up, possibly knocked up, and are now desperately trying to get anyone to marry and take care of them.

 

Funny how they would do to me in the past what yours just did to you, but later claim to have "come around". I tell ANY man or woman this. If it takes someone getting burned hard and turning 30 for them to recognize a good mate from the bad, then they aren't worth your time. You're better off alone in life.

 

I should not have listened to all her demands of coming to her workplace everyday, I should have not given her that much freedom in seeing her other male friends out of work, fought with her when she told me to call her everyday 5 hours till dawn, fought with her when she said let's see eachother 2 days a week to the place she chose, etc... I gave her the freedom and I wasn't THE MAN in the relationship, I made one good move in getting mad at her once and turning off my mobile, she got crazy and sent me messages telling me she loved me and all that.

You are learning grasshopper.

 

It's NOT about being a jerk to women to make them love you, but more just being YOUR OWN PERSON. Live by your rules, not live to please her. Let her chase you because you don't need her...but maybe want her.

 

ps. I'm 19

You're young...you'll grow and learn.

[engravefeelthevoid]

Of all the posts so far...this one is the most reassuruing...I think I'm beginning to understand my lesson well...I focused on things i shouldnt have done rather than focusing on what I SHOULD have done...but i believe it is necessary to establish a set of principles on which I should follow and let HER fit in...