loving_coca-cola Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 I'm a 22 year old girl, and my bf of 9 months broke up with me 3 weeks ago. He broke up with me over the phone, saying that his parents hated me with a passion (which is true) and that they made him choose. I cried at first, but decided to accept it. We were talking about fun memories towards the end. He even asked me why I was being so nice to him when he just dumped me. We had a small fight a few days before. He canceled a date on me on the day because he was scared his parents might think our relationship was unhealthy (which is weird because I hadn't seen him for 2 weeks) and I had dissed him pretty bad about how he's 22 and still so dependent on his parents and stuff (no, I did not put down his parents), so I'm sure that was another reason. 2 days later, he sent me a happy text. He wanted to know how I was doing, so I just sent him a short text a day later. That continued for a while until he called me, and asked me out to dinner. Turned out that the dinner was just so that he could break up with me in person. We had a fun time though. There was no crying or drama... just a calm conversation. This time, his reasons were that he just didn't see himself with me now or in the future, and that he didn't like me anymore but wanted to stay friends. 2 days after that, I texted him (knowing I shouldn't). He texted back, but it was a little awkward so I stopped texting him. Later, he sent me a text apologizing that he sounded sleepy in his other texts. I felt bad for making him feel guilty, so as closure, I sent him a text saying, "I apologize for all the wrong that I've caused. You are perfect the way you are. I just wanted to thank you for everything for the past 9 months. It was fun. Good luck with everything." I guess it didn't seem like closure, because he called me. He left a message, then sent a text that asked me if I got the message. I texted him back 2 days later. He called again that night. I didn't pick up, and just simply apologized the next day that I was asleep. "Don't worry!!! Third time's a charm!!" he texted. I didn't answer, but he called again so I picked up. He was trying to be happy and asked me how everything was going. The conversation was going nowhere so I decided to end it and told him that I had to go. He asked me if I was free for coffee on Friday because he wanted to wish me luck before I started my new job in October. I told him that my schedule was a little iffy, the phone call was more than enough, and that maybe it was better to see each other a month later. But he insisted on Friday. He even said that I could decide on the day whether I could see him or not, and that if I didn't have time for coffee, he'll make his way out to see me and talk for a few minutes. I am really confused. Somewhere in my heart, I feel like he still loves me and that we will be together somewhere down the road. Some people might call this denial. I was just wondering how some people view this situation. Is he doing this because he feels guilty? Or is it that he wants us to be friends again desperately? I know he's the only person who knows, but it would be nice to hear some opinions
Nemo Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 I'm a 22 year old girl, and my bf of 9 Whoa!!!! I had to stop right there. I like a bit of boyish charm as much as the next gay guy, but you have to be realistic. What the heck. I'll keep reading. He broke up with me over the phone, saying that his parents hated me with a passion (which is true) and that they made him choose.Over the phone??!! They "made" him choose??!! This dude has no backbone. Hang on, he is only 9. I really should stop being so hard on the little kiddies.
Author loving_coca-cola Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 Hahaha. Omg, no. I would not date a 9 year old. I meant my boyfriend that I went out for 9 months. He's also 22.
BCCA Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Im sorry you have to go through this, I know it sucks. You have to be honest with yourself here, though. I think you realize that if he wanted to be with you, you 2 would still be together. I know it sucks to think about it that way, but its true. And you're not after a friendship, so its best to put him off for a while. He may feel guilty to an extent, but it sounds to me like he's more interested in having his cake and eating it, too. Here is my advice: Dont go have coffee with him Friday, tell him youre too busy. If he asks to meet him another time, say not right now. You're going to have to stop answering his calls and texts all together. I know its easy to convince yourself that there could be something to his contacting you (believe me - I KNOW) but chances are he's just looking for a backup plan, and some validation that hes not a bad person.
Author loving_coca-cola Posted September 16, 2008 Author Posted September 16, 2008 Thanks BCAA Unfortunately, I didn't read your reply before I got a call from him on Friday asking me whether I was still free... and yes... I met up with him. He came late, but I didn't get mad or anything and we had a nice 2-hour conversation. We were laughing and everything. Then he kind of implied he had to start working on something, so I decided to leave. He took me to the door, hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, and called me by the nickname he used to call me when we used to be together. He then gave me a letter that said, "3 years of awesome friendship and 9 wonderful loving months. But from now on, it's up to us. While we start walking our own paths in life, I hope that you will remain the person that is honest with me, and the person that I can talk to honestly. I also hope your existence will remain to be different (special) from everyone else's. I don't expect anything else other than that ". I've stopped contact with him. It's been 3 days. All I can do is pray and start looking forward... I guess I keep hoping because my parents broke up for a couple of months into their relationship and ended up married...
sedgwick Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Do you really want to be with a guy who chooses what his Mommy and Daddy tell him to choose? Ugh, how unattractive!!! Plus, he breaks up with you on the phone and then asks you out again so he can dump you again in person? This guy sounds completely insane! And after all of this, you texted him to tell him he was "perfect?" ?!?!?!?! And now he wants to go out with you AGAIN!?! Why, so he can break up a third time? This guy needs a swift kick to the testes, if you ask me. He can "insist" all he wants, but if you go out with him again you're just being a doormat. Ugh, wait, you did it. You went. WHY???????????????????????????????
daphne Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 loving, Your ex either feels guilty because you handled it so well, or now is unsure that he wants to break up because you weren't torn up about it. Either way, I wouldn't give in to any more of his attempts to string you along. You really handled the breakup in a much more mature and loving fashion than most of us. Be proud of yourself. That being said, I have found that when I have had breakups like yours, i.e. I didn't try to hold onto the person and I just let them go with love, they tend to come back with a vengeance. Even when you tell them the worst, i.e. I'm not attracted to you anymore. Don't be fooled, however. Just keep living your life and moving forward. If he gets his act together and wants to make a real go of it, so be it. But he needs to say it and work to get you back. You can figure out if that's what you want later on. For now, however, I wouldn't be so willing to take him back after he allowed his parents to make this decision for him.
Nemo Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Do you really want to be with a guy who chooses what his Mommy and Daddy tell him to choose? Ugh, how unattractive!!! Plus, he breaks up with you on the phone and then asks you out again so he can dump you again in person? This guy sounds completely insane! And after all of this, you texted him to tell him he was "perfect?" ?!?!?!?! And now he wants to go out with you AGAIN!?! Why, so he can break up a third time? This guy needs a swift kick to the testes, if you ask me. He can "insist" all he wants, but if you go out with him again you're just being a doormat. Ugh, wait, you did it. You went. WHY??????????????????????????????? Dude, take a chill pill.
sedgwick Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Nemo, why is it, exactly, that you're a complete jackass to everybody? Your comments are so rude and cruel. Why do you have such a need to belittle people and make fun of them?
D-Lish Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Why did his parents hate you exactly? That's pretty harsh. Honestly- I wouldn't be as nice to this kid as you have been. Remaining friends is a horrible idea... you just cannot remain friends with someone you are still in love with. It just keeps hurting when you try to do that. It really is in YOUR best interest to remain in NC with him. All he does is push and pull- tug on your heart strings, and then disappoint you. And I do have to agree with Sedge that remaining at his disposal is being a doormat, you're giving away all your power to a person like that by remaining available to him. Remaining friends is yet again WHAT HE WANTS in order to feel good. You need to make the choice to do what is in YOUR best interest to feel good. Stay strong. Don't give into him anymore. If he wants you back- then he needs to make a huge effort and put in a whole lot of work to regain your trust. It's not going to make you feel better to stay friends with him- trust me, anytime I have tried that I've only made myself more miserable. You have control- so make a good choice for yourself. You deserve someone that treats you better than this guy has. Good luck.
daphne Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 sedgewick, In Nemo's defense, if you could put yourself in the op's shoes, you'd see that you were the one that appeared harsh. I realize that some people believe that tough love is route to getting people to snap out of the wearing the rose colored glasses, but most of us don't respond well to it. It's essentially putting the person down for having feelings, which most of us have during breakups.
sedgwick Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 I feel that Nemo is often unnecessarily sarcastic and was commenting on that. I am not upset with the OP for having feelings, I'm upset that any woman would let a guy treat her like that. Sedgwick (with no "e")
daphne Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 Sedgwick without the "e", Tomato, tomato. That doesn't translate well online. We've all been there, men and women. If you think that it will actually benefit the OP to be so harsh, then have at it. But before you do, ask yourself how well you like it when someone is that harsh with you when you're hurting.
Author loving_coca-cola Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 Sedgwick, thanks for your reply. He said that he wanted to break up with me in person because he thought that our relationship was a lot more than just ending it on the phone. I guess it's the case of the dumper trying to be nice, but actually having the opposite effect. Also, I told him that he was perfect that way he was, because I put him down a lot when we had our fight. I guess I saw that some of the stuff I was saying was trying to push him to become someone he wasn't. No one likes to be put down, and that's why I apologized. Thanks Daphne I hope that he thought the same (that I handled it pretty well). I have to admit that I did cry and ask him to rethink his decision during the beginning of the first phone call. I've been struggling these days, but I'm getting by. I keep on reaching my cell phone but I keep on telling myself that no contact is the best for both myself and him. D-Lish, his parents hate me because they heard rumors about me. All these rumors are completely false (that I seduced their son). It started from my high school friend who used to like him (now obviously an ex-friend) who told his sister. They're a strict Catholic family, so they thought badly of me. Plus, they saw some pictures of me at parties (all of which their son was at too) and thought that I was a party girl. I also said "hi" to them once, but they told my ex that it didn't seem that I was putting in much effort in meeting them, and that showed my character. It doesn't help that they pretty much disliked all his other ex-girlfriends as well. It's a surprise that we actually lasted 9 months, because all his other relationships were less than 3 months
Author loving_coca-cola Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 Oh, just to be fair to him, he did say that he didn't like me anymore the first time we met up. He pretty much said that the moment he figured out that everything he thought I was saying for him was in fact, for myself, his feelings disappeared. I was pretty mad when he canceled on me, and I ended up getting really emotional and asking him to come or else. He did, but he ended up asking if he could bring his little brother along (he's 12) so I got upset and went home. So I guess I pretty much left him hanging too. So it was all the putting down and my emotional actions (when I was angry he canceled on me to impress his parents) that made him not love me anymore. I also told him that he was going to have to work real hard to regain my trust and feelings for him a day before the break-up so I'm sure he wasn't happy about that either. He was texting me that he loved me until a few hours before the break-up call, but I was still a little mad at him so my replies were really dry. I guess he had a week since our fight to rethink what I had said and done to him, saw my cold texts, and thought that it wasn't going to work out
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