I think I messed eveyrthing up...

[geekinthepink]

So I have been "seeing" this guy for a little over a month. He and I see each other once maybe twice a week. He has invited me to a party where I met his friends, including his best friend. Usually our evenings together (primarily right after work) are like so:

1) cuddle on his desk chair or the couch(me on his lap) and talk about our day

2) make out and either have sex or come close to it

3) cuddle in bed and watch tv

4) go out to dinner (he pays)

5) come back, talk a bit more then call it a night with a nice long hug and quick kiss

Well last night I think I just screwed everything up. We got to #3 and when the movie we turned on ended, he and I wrestled over who was going to get the 'nice' pillow. It resulted with me winning and he put on his jeans and sat in front of his computer. He took out his phone and responded to all of his text messages, then checked his email and then started doing research on buying a new high-end electronic device. I was left to my own devices watching tv. I tried talking to him, but he was very interested in his task at hand. After numerous attempts to get his attention, the "my mother never hugged me/wanted me" insecurities creeped up. He and I had never talked about whether or not we were moving towards coupledom or if we were just friends with benefits. His behavior of just doing his thing and ignoring me led me to beleive I was being played. I got very upset and told him nicely that since I was neither a tv or computer I was going to go. He said "ok" and I got my things together and I can;t remember what was said exactly but I am sure it was along the lines of "I'm ready to go" he didn't respond. This further fed my insecurities so I turned on my heel and walked out of his room and started down the steps rather quickly. He followed and helped me open the front door. I was on his front porch, he was in the doorway and he said "ok well umm bye" I didn't respond, or maybe I did say bye in a huff and went to my car.

 

Frustrated that I assumed I was being played, hurt that he had "ignored" me for some of the evening and didn't follow me to give me a hug bye, I called him. I'll admit, ever since the "my mother never hugged/wanted me" insecurities kicked in I was a BIG BRAT. I picked a fight with him on the phone. I started off with "Hey, what's wrong with you tonight?" To sum up the argument I told him I was sorry for fighting but I was unsure of what we were doing and I asked him what was going on with us. He said "I am hesitant (not the exact word as I forget, but that was the definition) to start a relationship while I am taking classes and working. There are always fights that I never get to see the girl enough and I don't want to deal with that." I told him that I was ok with seeing each other when we could, as long as I know that he does care about me and WANT to be there for me, not just to have sex. I told him I was sorry I picked the fight and that it was just because I was confused and hurt by his actions. He did bring up that my actions were rude and hurtful too (whcih I agreed with). The conversation got a bit better and I asked him if we were still going to keep our movie plans for the weekend. He said yes, and I asked him iif Sat. or Sun was better. He said Sunday and then asked me to call him tomorrow (ie today) after I got off of work.

 

Today I had fully intended on not mentioning last night unless he brought it up. I called him around 6pm and there was no answer. I waited 45 minutes and called again, this time leaving a voicemail that I was going to be around if he wanted to call me back. It has been about 4 hours and he hasn't called me. The pessemist in me thinks that he is done with me and his "sure we can go to the movies" was just something to appease me and get me off the phone. The optimist in me secretly hopes he is just trapped under something heavy and that he will call.

 

I spoke with 3 friends tonight getting the following advice:

 

Friend 1: He is not ready for commitment and wants to concentrate on school and not give up his friends and his free time so I should try to call him again on Friday or Saturday and just keep the conversation light, then make sure I end the call giving him the subtle hint that I won't chase him. Since I do like him a LOT I should try to check in once a week or so for 2-3 weeks to see if he is at the point where he wants to hang out again and then just be more calm from there.

 

Friend 2: The fact that he was able to do his own thing while I watched tv may imply that he has a very high comfort level with me and that I overreacted (which I know I did) and that I should just hang back and that he WILL call me since his actions imply that he does like me.

 

Friend 3: Just leave him be. Cut my losses (I left a really expensive hair pin at his place by accident) and if he wants me he will find me.

 

I tend to beleive all 3 friends, but inside I am just hoping that he does like me and that I didn't screw everything up by letting my insecurity get the best of me. I want him to call me and take me to the movie and then we can just get back into the routine we had and in 2 months when school is done for the semester we will be bf/gf. The realist in me says that I screwed everything up and he won't call and to just try my best to get over him quickly.

 

Thoughts? (Thanks in advance )

[rod_in_gtown]

He's got issues. If I'm into you, picking a fight on what seems to be a pretty good month of romping and enjoying each other's company I wouldn't "write you off" because I was rude and you reacted to it. There's something else going on and he's taking advantage of the fact that he knows you like him. Probably more than he likes you. - this is usually the case with all relationships, one person is more vested in it than the other -.

 

Sorry my pinky, I wish I could be more optimistic about him but it does not bode well for him. He's on my ****-list for now.

[geekinthepink]

Its ok. he still hasn't called and I know he was sitting in front of his computer all night long (he has a ton of comments on his facebook page stating what he was doing all night).

 

Well its not ok, I do like him a lot and yeah I probably was more vested in him than he was in me. :( I think the issue here is he doesn't find what he did tues. night to be rude. He sees it as he had stuff to do and I should have been nicer/less bratty. I agree, I did react in a poor fashion, but so did he and if he were an adult, then he would take my appology last night at face value and have answered my call.

 

I'm just going to try my best to let all of this go and move on asap. I just don't get why a guy would lie to a girl just to get her off the phone. I mean good grief, he may has well have just hung up on me; to me that would have been much better and far less hurtful. i also need to get my hair clip back. It was freaking $20 and I had no idea it fell out till I was home. ARGH!!! Sometimes I feel it would be best to just move to ahbu dhabi and start over under an assumed name. :/

[StartingOver07]

Geek, the 1,2,3,4,5 you list sounds a lot like FWB to me. Which may be why he is less invested than you are and was willing to forego 4 and 5 for checking his mail, etc.

 

As for the hairclip... don't ask him for it. It will look like the ruse it is (excuse to see him) and he will either be cool or attempt to resume a FWB with you, either of which will leave you more hurt/confused/etc. than you are now.

 

For what it's worth, he sounds pretty young (maturity, not age necessarily) and I think you deserve a guy as awesome as you seem to be.

[geekinthepink]

I agree we were probably FWB looking back, but why introduce me to a bunch of his friends when we have no mutual friends other than those we went to high school with, and they are actually mostly my friends? Everyone I've told that to scratches their chins.

 

I agree he is only 24 and while he is very smart and very driven, he still has the mindset of a 24 year old guy. I am 26 and all of my friends (with the exception of the receptionist at work, she is 21) are older than me. I have always been more "mature" for my age and I was very concerned about whether or not his friends would like me as a result.

 

I guess what also really confuses me is that he asked me to call him then he ignored me. Why do that? Why not just say I'll call you so that I don't even bother calling him and he has nothing to avoid/ignore?

 

 

(BTW thanks for the compliment It's nice to hear things like that once in a while )

[GrnEyedGemini]

My advice is not to call him again. He said for you to call him, you did, he did not answer nor call you back. Don't chase him. If he is still interested, he'll call you. Dont' stress bout it...do your own thing. If he turns up, great....if not, oh well. Next!!!

[geekinthepink]

My advice is not to call him again. He said for you to call him, you did, he did not answer nor call you back. Don't chase him. If he is still interested, he'll call you. Dont' stress bout it...do your own thing. If he turns up, great....if not, oh well. Next!!!

 

 

That's the outlook I am telling myself to have, but the insecure side of me is mad that I acted the way I did and feels at fault for this whole situtation. Had I just been a little less bratty and maybe ignored it and chalked it up to him having a long day and not said anything that things would still be "ok". If it happened again, well yeah I would have said something, but I just think that I overreacted and picked a fight out of nothing.

[StartingOver07]

I guess what also really confuses me is that he asked me to call him then he ignored me. Why do that? Why not just say I'll call you so that I don't even bother calling him and he has nothing to avoid/ignore?

 

Who knows? Maybe at the time he said it, he thought he would want to go to the movies. Or maybe he just didn't want to rock the boat so said the first thing he thought of. Or maybe he he realised that he isn't as invested as you are and decided to dodge that conversation. As unsettling as it may be, it happens all the time (and not just from men).

 

Had I just been a little less bratty and maybe ignored it and chalked it up to him having a long day and not said anything that things would still be "ok".

 

I know you know better than this. Yeah, it's possible nothing would have happened that night. But the disconnect that allowed that night to end up as it did was there all along and would have risen to the surface sooner rather than later.

[geekinthepink]

I know you know better than this. Yeah, it's possible nothing would have happened that night. But the disconnect that allowed that night to end up as it did was there all along and would have risen to the surface sooner rather than later.

 

I do, but I am just looking for some kind of explanation for his behavior and what happened since I don't think I'll get to hear it from him. It's very strange to be hung up on someone who you have only really been seeing for 1.5-2 months but he and I were friends since high school. I thought that our friendship would have meant more to him, but since he is able to just ignore me as if I don't exist I guess it doesn't.

[goldencloud]

honestly, i really do think he's just not as into you as you are

if roles had been reversed, would you have handled it the same way? i think not..because you care ENOUGH about him, he MATTERS to you and thus you don't want to be hurt

often what happens to us girls is our insecurities(many times legitimate) are branded silly by ourselves just cos we fear losing the person, and we want them that badly that we're willing to compormise our standards...he hasnt compromised anything , u have

after a month of sleeping together, going for dinners etc..u do dserve some form of clarifcation not the half hearted attempts from him that come as soon as u question him.

[geekinthepink]

honestly, i really do think he's just not as into you as you are

if roles had been reversed, would you have handled it the same way? i think not..because you care ENOUGH about him, he MATTERS to you and thus you don't want to be hurt

often what happens to us girls is our insecurities(many times legitimate) are branded silly by ourselves just cos we fear losing the person, and we want them that badly that we're willing to compormise our standards...he hasnt compromised anything , u have

after a month of sleeping together, going for dinners etc..u do dserve some form of clarifcation not the half hearted attempts from him that come as soon as u question him.

 

I saw a quote before "Don't make someone a priority when to them, you are only an option" It was kind of a slap upside the head and made things click. While I am one to say women are intelligent and strong and can do anything, they always seem to become stupid when dealing with a man they care about. I don't know why, well I do its all hormones since we are the ones who raise and nurture the kids and what not, but I bet 90% of women do exactly what you said; compromise standards.

 

I am the first to admit, I have baggage. I do NOT deal with rejection well in any shape or form especially when it comes in this fabulous flavor. :/ All I can do at this point is hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

[geekinthepink]

I still haven't heard a peep from the guy. Not that I expected to, but I was hoping to. Anyway I was bummed out all day at work. My boss asked me what was up (we are a very close knit group of 9) and I told him basically everything (minus that I was sleeping with the guy) and to my surprise 3 of the 5 guys I work with said that this was NORMAL male behavior and 1 of the women agreed with them!!!

 

4 of the 5 men in my office are married, 2 with children and 2 without. Of those who said this was "normal"; 1 single guy (has a girlfriend) 1 married guy (no kids) and another married guy (has 2 kids). The woman who agreed is single (has a boyfriend).

 

Please tell me this is NOT normal behavior. Since the spread of opinions covered a range of statuses, its bothering me that it really might be the truth. If it had only been single men or one guy then I would have brusehd it off, but now I am even more bummed than before