Owl Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Thanks for the kind words.. No, I am not planning to do anything to help "remove" myself from the situation.. I can maybe remove my HEART, and the rest would take care of itself.. I guess I am hoping to get some kind of little clue as to what may be going on with her.. That would help me decide what to do.. And I am probably being stupid to even hope for that at this point.. Anyway, thanks again Dude...I thought you'd already made your choice? That you've ALREADY decided to get out of the situation??? That you'd STOPPED hoping on all of this??? C'MON man...you've got to make a choice...get a goal...and start going SOMEWHERE...or you're going to stay right where you're at...in that little ball of misery that you've been in for the last several months. Make your choice already...either fight to end the affair, or fight to end her marriage. Anything less just leaves you sitting in the corner while everyone else is on the dance floor.
Author stampdaddy Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 Dude...I thought you'd already made your choice? That you've ALREADY decided to get out of the situation??? That you'd STOPPED hoping on all of this??? C'MON man...you've got to make a choice...get a goal...and start going SOMEWHERE...or you're going to stay right where you're at...in that little ball of misery that you've been in for the last several months. Make your choice already...either fight to end the affair, or fight to end her marriage. Anything less just leaves you sitting in the corner while everyone else is on the dance floor. OWL, it IS to that point now.. EIther her marriage is ending (which is what her H told me would happen) OR it is not, which is NOT what her H told me would happen.. I just dont know WHAT is happening.... and that is OK too, because I am in a SOLID NC, and looking at this as a LAST DITCH effort, with NO effort to be made... and it would NOT be Stampdaddy to just "tuck and run" now that things COULD be at the end for her.. and again, that is NOT to say that I will get over the hurt she just caused me, but I think it would deserve a conversation at some point.. OWL, I did love this woman like no other for a very long time...
Owl Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 OWL, it IS to that point now.. EIther her marriage is ending (which is what her H told me would happen) OR it is not, which is NOT what her H told me would happen.. I just dont know WHAT is happening.... and that is OK too, because I am in a SOLID NC, and looking at this as a LAST DITCH effort, with NO effort to be made... and it would NOT be Stampdaddy to just "tuck and run" now that things COULD be at the end for her.. and again, that is NOT to say that I will get over the hurt she just caused me, but I think it would deserve a conversation at some point.. OWL, I did love this woman like no other for a very long time... Last week you were saying that her lies and deception of YOU made it so that even if he divorced her, it was still over between the two of you. Your statements here indicate that you've changed your mind...again. For the umpteenth time beyond count. If you were in ROCK SOLID NC...then there would be no way for her to contact you at all if they DID decide to divorce. You're NOT in 'rock solid NC' when you're deliberately waiting for her next contact with you. I believe that you loved her...and still do. Don't get me wrong. What I struggle with is that you've again made your choice to stay right where you've been for the last several months. NOTHING HAS CHANGED WITH HER ACTIONS. You talked with HIM...and HE may throw her out. But that's not a change in HER actions. She's not DOING anything different, not CHOOSING anything new...now, you'll just be her default back up plan. I can't say anything...that's how my marriage began its reconciliation. But can you understand what this looks like from out here in cyberspace? There is NOTHING new going on here...she's still fighting to keep both...and you're STILL sitting there patiently waiting...hat in hand. SD, you still deserve better than this.
Tomcat33 Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 it would NOT be Stampdaddy to just "tuck and run" now that things COULD be at the end for her.. and again, that is NOT to say that I will get over the hurt she just caused me, but I think it would deserve a conversation at some point.. OWL, I did love this woman like no other for a very long time... I agree if you waited this long and you love her still then wait and see. If it feels that you are on the brink of something bigger happening then just wait it out but do let her come to you with some developments.
Owl Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 He's been waiting for a year already. How much longer should he wait????
Tomcat33 Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 He's been waiting for a year already. How much longer should he wait???? I dunnow OWL it is not yours or my call to decide that, it is STAMP'S call because it IS his life and it IS his heart.
norajane Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 He's been waiting for a year already. How much longer should he wait???? 4 years, actually. Or is it 5 now? Stamp, you may not see it this way, but she's the person who has been lying to you all this time. Why do you want that in your life? Even if you get her, what's the point? She'll still be a liar.
Tomcat33 Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 How much longer should he wait???? I stuck it out for a year though not in contact or wavering back forth and I WAS dating and trying to get on with my life but I knew deep down he would come back and he did, and this time with D papers. But that year helped me see what I needed to to deal with the outcome of him coming back. Granted Stamp hasn't done anything to move on, nor can he since he is paralized waiting at the beck and call of this woman's H and his decision to D her, but at the end of the day it IS Stamp's call and he wants it this way so...what more can anyone else do for him? Even if you get her, what's the point? She'll still be a liar. While I WHOLE HEARTEDLY agree with that, he really needs to come to that realization all on his own.
Author stampdaddy Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 Last week you were saying that her lies and deception of YOU made it so that even if he divorced her, it was still over between the two of you. Your statements here indicate that you've changed your mind...again. For the umpteenth time beyond count. If you were in ROCK SOLID NC...then there would be no way for her to contact you at all if they DID decide to divorce. You're NOT in 'rock solid NC' when you're deliberately waiting for her next contact with you. I believe that you loved her...and still do. Don't get me wrong. What I struggle with is that you've again made your choice to stay right where you've been for the last several months. NOTHING HAS CHANGED WITH HER ACTIONS. You talked with HIM...and HE may throw her out. But that's not a change in HER actions. She's not DOING anything different, not CHOOSING anything new...now, you'll just be her default back up plan. I can't say anything...that's how my marriage began its reconciliation. But can you understand what this looks like from out here in cyberspace? There is NOTHING new going on here...she's still fighting to keep both...and you're STILL sitting there patiently waiting...hat in hand. SD, you still deserve better than this. That's not a hat in my hand...... anyway, you are correct, I seem to always sway back, and I can't imagine what I look like to all of you.. probably pretty sad.. I guess I just want to have that "conversation", because this much IS true.. NOTHING is the same anymore... and I don't know if it will EVER be.. I was lied toI was'nt a choiceall the damage done now because of liesthe future resentment that WILL bethe lack of trustetc, etc, etc...
Tomcat33 Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 I was'nt a choiceall the damage done now because of liesthe future resentment that WILL bethe lack of trustetc, etc, etc... But why do you need to tell her all of that? If you are certain of all of those bullet points move on then. You don't "really" need to tell her you are moving on do you? If you stay it won't change if you do end up with her those are the very same things that you will be faced with going into the rel. They are also the things that prevented me from going back to mine. Well except for the choice part I was his choice and it WAS his choice to D. He is back in town in two weeks and I need to spell all that out for him clearly, I CANNOT get over all that. I doubt many people can, if you do you are settling for a half decent life with someone who does not deserve so much from you. At least that is how I saw it for me I hope you can see that some day too, AND I hope her H can as well.
Author stampdaddy Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 But why do you need to tell her all of that? If you are certain of all of those bullet points move on then. You don't "really" need to tell her you are moving on do you? If you stay it won't change if you do end up with her those are the very same things that you will be faced with going into the rel. They are also the things that prevented me from going back to mine. He is back in town in two weeks and I need to spell all that out for him clearly, I CANNOT get over all that. I doubt many people can, if you do you are settling for a half decent life with someone who does not deserve so much from you. At least that is how I saw it for me I hope you can see that some day too, AND I hope her H can as well. Maybe I will see it that way too.. I think that I am on my way to seeing it that way already. And this "conversation" that I am wanting to have is CURRENT.. who knows how I will feel by the end of the week, next month, around Christmas.. Please everybody, remember that.. SUre it's been 4 years, OWL, yes, it has been a year since Discovery and when I SHOULD have seen action, BUT, it is TODAY, and that is what I am dealing with today, and the feelings that I am feeling are today, and the conversation I want to have is today... Maybe not tomorrow.. tomorrow, I may not have a f***ing thing to say to her
Owl Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 If he doesn't tell her...AND...if he doesn't take active steps to prevent contact... He's going to keep getting contact from her while she's trying to maintain her wonder-world of having both him AND her husband in her life. He's GOT to tell her, and/OR make a break to prevent her from contacting him. Or else he'll NEVER heal...he'll just keep getting sucked back in time and time again.
Author stampdaddy Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 If he doesn't tell her...AND...if he doesn't take active steps to prevent contact... He's going to keep getting contact from her while she's trying to maintain her wonder-world of having both him AND her husband in her life. He's GOT to tell her, and/OR make a break to prevent her from contacting him. Or else he'll NEVER heal...he'll just keep getting sucked back in time and time again. THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW.... there is NO way for her to keep things the same, NO WAY.. and not because I am the one saying so..
Tomcat33 Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Stamp not to undermine what you are going through and telling us here but you will feel the same way tomorrow, in a week at Christmas and next Christmas unless you feel you can close the door on her regardless of her outcome. Until then I can guarantee you that you will still be in this limbo of "I want to but I hate her, I love her but I can't be with her." The only reason you are keeping this alive is because you think there is still hope that he H will D her. It has been "feeling" like things were about to explode for a quite a few months now, and to be quite frank with you I see the tactic of the H much like I see "other tactics around here" as he is NOT planning on leaving her at all, he is keeping his enemies close nothing more and SHE nor HE are going to make a move. I'm sorry but that phone call worked in his favour the more he piiisses you off the more he can keep you at arm's length from interfering with what his ultimate goal is, possibly winning his W back. The whole thing is too many mind games of who stands were and who you can trust and it is not even about you and her anymore you have to think about what her H's motives are. Trust me on this you will be feeling the exact same way in a week a month and 3 yrs unless you see things for what they are. She does not want to take action, that's it.
Tomcat33 Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 If he doesn't tell her...AND...if he doesn't take active steps to prevent contact... He's going to keep getting contact from her while she's trying to maintain her wonder-world of having both him AND her husband in her life. He's GOT to tell her, and/OR make a break to prevent her from contacting him. Or else he'll NEVER heal...he'll just keep getting sucked back in time and time again. THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW.... there is NO way for her to keep things the same, NO WAY.. and not because I am the one saying so.. With all due respect, he has said and done this a million times and it is just an excuse to talk to her face to face some more. At least this is what I see.
Owl Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 With all due respect, he has said and done this a million times and it is just an excuse to talk to her face to face some more. At least this is what I see. With all due respect...I agree! I think we just disagree on next steps. I think that you're thought is...wait and see what happens next with her and H now that he's had that talk with her H. (I might have misunderstood...apologies if I have!) My take is that he's waited long enough, and that its all he's done for all this time. Time to do something different. And you're right...at the end of it all...it will always be up to SD to choose what he wants to do from here.
Owl Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW.... there is NO way for her to keep things the same, NO WAY.. and not because I am the one saying so.. Maybe...maybe not. If her H doesn't force things to come to a change... And if YOU don't force things to come to a change... You can bet your next paycheck that things WILL stay the same.
Author stampdaddy Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 I AM waiting to see IF there will be a change, which H told me would happen IF one syllable was a lie... TC, do you really think that H was playing games with ME? why in the world would he have the time or want to do that?? I mean, I thought it was pretty damn simple.. "H was somewhat hoping that she had at least been honest with him over the last 8 months, and there were still NO guarantees.. BUT, she wasnt.. she had STILL been seeing me, dating me, talking to me, telling me that THEY were over.. He knows this now.. So, you are thinking that H is now saying: "OK, once again, my wife still has her boyfriend and I have been lied to and lied to and lied to and betrayed, BUT, that's OK.. I will call Stampdaddy and make him think that I will divorce her IF he tells me the truth (which I didnt, SHE did).. It doesnt make sense. Not to ME at least
Tomcat33 Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 With all due respect...I agree! I think we just disagree on next steps. I think that you're thought is...wait and see what happens next with her and H now that he's had that talk with her H. (I might have misunderstood...apologies if I have!) My take is that he's waited long enough, and that its all he's done for all this time. Time to do something different. And you're right...at the end of it all...it will always be up to SD to choose what he wants to do from here. Well there are two components to my thought process in this case 1. I think SD is somewhat in denial about where he stands and what he wants at this point, I think deep down he knows he is waiting for the shoe to drop this is PRECISELY what has kept him paralized, I know I've been there myself. I know it is a very annoying thing to see for those looking from the outside in but you really DO have to be there to know how it feels. 2. I think SD is going to do what he feels he needs to regardless of what people feel he should do. He has not made hard moves to cut himself off of the situation and really move on from this BUT I will tell you what I do see and that is that from the moment he came here and was deeply inlove and consumed in the relationship with this woman until now he has def embarked on to the path of reality even though in essence he is still technically always on the same "spot". he actually is not, because now he has woken up to what and whom he is dealing with. That is very important. So while we see "stamp is always in the same spot" he actually is working it out in his own way. One of his biggest fears he expressed if I recall when he came here was that he would start to resent her and his heart would start to close up to her, this HAS started to happen, the process is happening. So really it is just a matter of time until HE SEES and feels like enough is enough. Again, I know it is frustrating looking from the ouside in but it IS his journey and if it takes him 4 more years to realise this then it IS his life as much as we all can see things from the ouside it is HIS own heart that needs to heal and it is really hard to quantify how long it should take a person to do things when it comes to matters of the heart. For what it's worth that is my stance on it.
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