missingsomething Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Hi, I'm really confused at the moment and hoping that you guys can offer some guidance. I've been married for 7 years. When I met my husband, I wasn't interested in him. He kept asking me out, and I finally said yes, because I felt guilty for saying no all the time! Anyway, I worked for him, so saw him everyday and we became friends and started doing things together. Eventually we started having sex and became partners. It was alright and I did fall in love with him. Although there were never sparks and fireworks as such, for me anyway. He is a very good husband, father, provider and all that. But....I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. When he kisses me I feel nothing. When I say "I love you" there's a voice in my head screaming at me LIAR! It's horrible. I feel like I'm living a lie. This has been going on for about 6 months now. I was with a man for a short time, before my husband. I instantly fell in love with him and when he touched me it felt electric. I want that again! I want to feel something. I want my heart to pound. Although my husband is good in bed, I don't get anything out of it. It was alright at first, but nothing compared to what I had with this other man. So trying to get the spark back in our relationship won't help because it wasn't really there to begin with! I know, I feel stupid. Why did I go ahead and marry this man who doesn't do it for me? I do love him, but I'm not in love with him. He is my best friend, but he doesn't feel like my lover, even though we have regular sex. I find myself dreaming of the other man and the only reason I have sex with my husband now is so I can pretend he's the other guy. I feel like such a bad person. We have 2 little kids together. We have property, debts, a business, so splitting up would be difficult. But I have this feeling of wanting to escape. I want to pack up and leave. I don't know what to do. Do I stay here and keep pretending, and have a very comfortable life with my husband with my family intact, or do I leave with the kids to be a single mum, rip my family apart, be flat broke, probably lonely all for my own selfish desires? I can feel myself becoming more and more down. I went to the doctor and he said I'm not depressed, I'm unhappy and need to change something. Someone please help me. Thanks in advance, Christie
Mr. Lucky Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 do I leave with the kids to be a single mum, rip my family apart, be flat broke, probably lonely all for my own selfish desires? Boy, you sure make it sound attractive ! The knee-jerk suggestion for posts like yours is MC, but I think it really makes sense in your case. I wonder how you think your H feels? Does he sense your dissatisfaction? Have you two talked about it? Lots going on here on different levels and working together with a therapist could at least get you through some of it... Mr. Lucky
nowhereman82 Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 There was a long discussion covering this already. Perhaps you will get some insight from it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t162950/ Personally I feel that that giddy love/lust we feel for other people does fade and after that you have to work on being happy in the relationship through the bad and good....as the feelings will not always be there. Marriage is a life partnership....a business agreement in a way to support each other and to start a family. There is a quote in there that I agree with: "I truly hate to break this to you...hate to be the one. Those major sparks you feel at the beginning of a relationship are natures way of calling two people to mate and procreate. The ONLY thing nature cares about is lovers having babies. Once that mission is carried out, nature cares not a bit about how the two get along after that. It's totally up to the people." I know you didn't feel the spark at first.....and maybe you will with someone else. But eventually it fades and its not the same....it's like chasing that first high. My Father is heading into his 3rd marriage now. He was head over heals in love with the last two and once he didn't have that spark and it became normal again....he became unhappy. And now he has 5 kids between two marriages and divorced twice and heading into his 3rd.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 "you do the crime, you do the time." You owe it to the kids to TRY. Get counseling. You don;t get a free pass out of the life you created once you create other lives.
Scottdmw Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 I know it's a tough situation. You really want to feel those sparks with someone, to get that rush of emotion. It's very attractive, but that doesnt' mean it's a good idea. Have you considered that you could get a similar rush from using crack or pick your drug of choice? Just because something feels good, even intensely good, doesn't make it right. To get even a chance at those good feelings for yourself you would have to ruin the lives of 3 other people, to put them through the most intense pain possible, plus the whole web of relationships that go out from there--all your family and friends would be influenced. And, as someone else posted, even if you did get the rush with a new person it would fade over time. You have to decide what you want your life to be about--seeking the next rush or making the world a better place? Your young children's need for an intact family is more intense than any need anyone else in your life has, most likely. By all means, get counselling. If you feel like you're lying when you say I love you, try to find some way to talk to your husband about it. I don't think that feelings should really be the basis for a marriage--marriage is a decision to be together no matter what you feel. It always creates a wall when you feel you can't be honest.
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