fingersniffer Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 LoyalGirl, Please, please wake up and smell the coffee. You are being played like a fool. H is making a fool of you. The OW are making a fool out of you. Even if there is nothing happening, you are being made a fool. Make an ultimatum... its you or them. tell him that you are uncomfortable with the situation, and if he cannot stop, then get out. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN A MILLION OF HIM. How do I know.... Happy birthday and I love you on my wifes birthday card. Not from me. Platonic friends? BS. more like dirty adulterous creeps. Please, do me and you a favor, and make it stop.
Author LoyalGirl Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 Thanks, everyone, for your replies. The thing is I think I could continue to work on it (the marriage) if I felt like he was truly sorry. But I don't feel like he's really all that sorry and he's not trying hard enough to restore my trust.
2sure Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 LoyalGirl - Like you, I am trying to save my marriage after infidelity. Part of this includes my being the marriage police. Most people would not take this on - but for reasons of my own, I have chosen to do so. My H has responsibility regarding this also. Making sure my still sensitive comfort zone is not pushed - and even this can be tricky. It is one thing to say - OK- I can withstand this. But truly, you are doing this alone. Is there NO making him see what he is doing to you?
stuckinoz Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Loyalgirl - you say that you have scrolled thru the messages....who's to say that he didn't delete the ones that were "questionable" & only keep the ones that he can justify? Being the "Marriage Police" SUCKS! Big time!!! I think you are correct to question this. I ignored it from my husband for a very long time, we separated, I went back & it is still happening. I had almost decided to just ignore it again - But instead I confronted him with this. He didn't deny it....because I quoted the messages verbatim. He agreed that they were probably a "bit much" & that he would TRY to cut back. CUT BACK............Well, I'm still on hold on this issue...... What's your status? Do you 2 argue about this issue?
Author LoyalGirl Posted September 17, 2008 Author Posted September 17, 2008 Loyalgirl - you say that you have scrolled thru the messages....who's to say that he didn't delete the ones that were "questionable" & only keep the ones that he can justify? Being the "Marriage Police" SUCKS! Big time!!! That's what I mean when I say I am sick of it. I check the cell phone bill with his cell phone to make sure all of the texts are there. I have 3 small children (3, 2 & 1) and could be using my time so much better. We don't really argue about it because... (Hmm... that provokes a lot of thought)... I guess because... I don't know why. I guess I'm waiting for him to wake up... and I know if he doesn't, inevitably, I will have had enough and I will be ready and able to say I tried everything and then I will decide to end it...
whichwayisup Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 I guess I'm waiting for him to wake up... and I know if he doesn't, inevitably, I will have had enough and I will be ready and able to say I tried everything and then I will decide to end it... Then tell him this! This is stuff he needs to hear! Tell him that you feel he isn't trying hard enough, he isn't showing any real remorse, and you haven't felt any genuine sorrow from him and that is making you still have doubts, making you feel uneasy and not trust him. I mean, what exactly IS he doing to regain your faith and trust in him again?
Author LoyalGirl Posted September 17, 2008 Author Posted September 17, 2008 He is seeing an individual counselor and says that I am wanting the change to come too soon and that I need to "trust in the process." For example, last night, I sent him a text when he was at work asking him where we were in the relationship he texted back, "Where are we? I'm working on trying to become a better individual believing that will make me a better husband and father. You try forcing it, don't care to change anything about how you behave, and then i get frustrated. I had a good day with [iC]." When I didn't respond (because I feel like I'm bending over backwards to fix myself and this marriage) he texted, "But i do still love you." I feel like the "forcing it" he refers to is me wanting him to go NC with this other woman.
jmargel Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 I think the forcing it is expecting changes to come too soon, not necessarily the contact with the other woman. See, the problem is not this other woman, believe it or not. It's the issues that cause him to do what he did is the root of the problem. Remove the root, the weed is gone. Just pick at the leaves on it and it will grow back (ie. dealing with a particular topic, not the main issue). Yes he needs to stop contact with this other woman however there are issues that are causing this that needs to be resolved.
stuckinoz Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 I think he is doing a huge number on you. With an attitude of "I can do this, I can do whatever I want, what's she going to do LEAVE ME?" He assumes you won't leave - EVER. No matter what he does. I sympathize with your situation. Having 3 small children in the mix of all of this must make your decision that much more difficult. You seem to be very much in love with this man...Yet for some reason he finds it necessary to justify his behavior. Yes, changing is a process......BUT IF the adjustments aren't being made now - or even a sign of his attempt to change things - It's NOT going to change!!! EVER! Are you seeing a counselor as well?
Juanita26 Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 Have you explained how this is making you feel. Maybe you should suggest NC and that if he doesn't tel him how you feel and that for you to trust him again he needs to find another job to save your relationship as that is what i told my H to save our marriage although my H has found another job and so did OW although he is still always on his mind.
Author LoyalGirl Posted September 17, 2008 Author Posted September 17, 2008 He is in IC and we both are in MC.
stuckinoz Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 So what does your counselor tell you - or tell the 2 of you together? Do they give you "homework"? My husband & I were in counseling for almost 3 months - individual & together - & everytime the MAIN issue was addressed, she dodged it. I didn't see it at first - but after the fact I realized what was happening. I guess if you trust your counselor & trust what they are telling you - Good for you - I hope it works!!
Author LoyalGirl Posted September 20, 2008 Author Posted September 20, 2008 Last night 14 texts to/from this OW. All erased from his phone. I feel like I've been patient enough. I'm so sad about it. I think I really may have to ask him to leave today. How does this work? What should I do? How did you do it?
GreenEyedLady Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 Last night 14 texts to/from this OW. All erased from his phone. I feel like I've been patient enough. I'm so sad about it. I think I really may have to ask him to leave today. How does this work? What should I do? How did you do it? You need to start being your own advocate. You open your mouth and you tell him he stops or he leaves. And then follow through. Do you have a career? Or is part of your hesitation that you have no other source of income?
Trialbyfire Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 Last night 14 texts to/from this OW. All erased from his phone. I feel like I've been patient enough. I'm so sad about it. I think I really may have to ask him to leave today. How does this work? What should I do? How did you do it? "My concept of a marriage is between two people, you and I. If you need a third-party to be part of it, I'm stepping back from the race. Pack your bags or I'm going to pack your bags."
SexinmyCity Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 They should definitely not be communicating anymore. That's crazy! And only asking for trouble!
SadGuy99 Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 It seems like you have this figured out. Just in case you have some doubt in the future. I was pretty much your H (similar situation). By his actions I can guarantee he is still cheating on you or intends to continue cheating (Id say probably IS). I would bet any amount of money on it. Trust me on this I have been there. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I think you are doing the right thing for yourself. You can't feel secure with him, and you shouldnt. You dont want to live like that. Affair partners can be like a drug. Even in the face of you knowing and harsh consequences he is still using his drug.
NoIDidn't Posted September 21, 2008 Posted September 21, 2008 This is where exposure can be your friend. Does the OW have a boyfriend or is she married? Actually, do you even know who she is besides her phone number on the text message? Does he ever say anything bad about her? At your next MC appointment, I recommend you telling him and the therapist that you think he is still in the affair and that he is wasting your time and money and the therapist's time by doing so. The therapist, if they are good, can likely tell if he lies about it. Its time to put your foot down. You won't likely stop checking for a while, but you can reduce the amount of times you check. Problem is, everytime you check, you find something. Can he communicate with her for work without text messages? If he can, ask him to do that instead of text. I agree with the others that he is lying to you. Pressed on the issue he is likely to say that they only messed around a little bit. Then it will become that they almost did it. Then it will become that it was only once. THEN you will know how much he is lying. He isn't doing you any favors by "saving" the messages. Let him know that he shouldn't have any messages to save.
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