LoyalGirl Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 My husband had an emotional affair from roughly February to June with a woman affiliated with his work. The affair was mostly by text message. In the month of May alone, my H and this person exchanged roughly 2,000 text messages. Started MC at the end of June. Our MC believes that I should top checking the phone bill, emails etc. Every time I do check, however, there is some sort of activity. Today, they exchanged 15 text messages. He "saved them" for me, and I read through them. Although the content itself seems non-controversial enough, I am not comfortable with this. I'm just sick of feeling like I have to watch my back all the time. I don't WANT to check the call and text logs anymore. I don't WANT to have to scroll through the phone to read all sent and received texts to this person. And if I do happen to check any accounts (cell, email etc...) I want there to be nothing there. What do you guys think? Should I stop checking up on the situation? When does this desire to check up go away?
whichwayisup Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Why are they STILL communicating? She is still around - Is it possible for him to find another job or be transferred?
Red_Apple Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 I was in a similar situation with someone I liked alot. I kept checking if he was still keeping communications with this friend of mine. Eventually I stopped because I felt hopeless. However, the desire to stop checking, never did completely vanish.
Author LoyalGirl Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 He says he needs to contact her for work. He cannot leave his job.
whichwayisup Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Why can't he leave his job? Oh and that's bullcrap, he doesn't HAVE To contact her at work. You need to check up on him until YOU feel like he earned your trust again. As long as she works with him, then you'll always remain full of mistrust about them being at work together. How he is supposed to get over her at all when he sees her daily? Even they don't speak, they are looks, glances - ALL stuff that can feed feelings. Sorry because I don't want to make you feel worse, it's just that HE has to choose eventually. Find another job, or your marriage is going to take alot longer to fix with him there.
whichwayisup Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Every time I do check, however, there is some sort of activity. Today, they exchanged 15 text messages. He "saved them" for me, and I read through them. Although the content itself seems non-controversial enough, I am not comfortable with this. If they were ONLY about work related issues, then that's one thing, but if there was ANY personal chit chat, even casual, that IS crossing the line. Again, hate to put mistrust in you, but how do you know he didn't delete parts of the texts? Can I ask? Have you spoken to her directly? Is she married or does she have a boyfriend? IF so, consider speaking to HER spouse - Four eyes are better than two, plus that really WILL put an end to it because she will be feeling pressured at home as well.
signedin2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 My husband had an emotional affair from roughly February to June with a woman affiliated with his work. The affair was mostly by text message. In the month of May alone, my H and this person exchanged roughly 2,000 text messages. What makes you think that this is only a emotional affair? Do you know for sure exactly where he is at all time? It's rare to have an emotional affair without escalating to a physical affair. Do you know that it only take them the amount to have lunch, say 30 minutes to an hour to get a motel room to have a physical affair? This is especially the case when you mentioned that he is not committed to the marriage.
stuckinoz Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Loyalgirl...I have a similar scenario at my house. H isn't having an "affair" that I know of....But he does text thruout the day to bartenders (female) & waitresses from the bars that he frequents (I know the bar scene is enough of an issue - but I won't go into that) He said that the texting had stopped when I moved back home. I am still checking the phone & NO the texting hasn't stopped. Occasionally he forgets to delete them. But there are other ways to find out from a "recent log" in his phone who he has texted thru the day even when he deletes the actual message. I have read a few & yes I feel are inappropriate. Let me ask you this....IF it doesn't stop, whether it seems "innocent" to you or not - What are you willing to do? Live the rest of your life looking over your shoulder? or actually put your foot down? Also, If they work together, what's wrong with speaking on the telephone, or visiting his or her office during the daytime when others are around to ask quesitons or discuss work issues? I work closely with men in my office & there is no reason for them to text me on my personal cell phone after hours, or during business hours. That's why they call them "Business Hours"
Owl Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 There is NO chance of a successful recovery if your H remains in contact with OW...in ANY fashion whatsoever. You need to make it clear that this is UNACCEPTABLE. He MUST change jobs, or SHE must leave...or you go to his boss with what's been going on. Draw a line in the sand...otherwise, you're going to keep getting played for the fool just as you have been up to this point. Oh...and ditch that hack of an MC...and get one who actually has a clue about rebuilding a marriage after infidelity.
Author LoyalGirl Posted September 12, 2008 Author Posted September 12, 2008 Last night I received a call from my husband's cell phone. He didn't realize the line was open. (Crazy, I know!) He was talking to her. Although the conversation was only "friendly," it bothers me. It ended with him saying, "I'm going to be working night on Monday, so give me a call if you're around." He insists it's just friendly. What do you think?
Author LoyalGirl Posted September 12, 2008 Author Posted September 12, 2008 I guess I'm trying to figure out what I can or can't live with and what I want to do...
Owl Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 I think you're being played for a sucker... I think if you don't stand up, put some CONCRETE firm boundaries about what you will or won't accept in your marriage...you're going to STAY right where you're at. The affair is still going on...PERIOD. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see this. Your options are simple. Not easy, but simple. 1. Tell him to get a new job...NOW. And ALL contact with her ends immediately. PERIOD. 2. Accept the affair, and let things stay exactly where they're at. Its up to you. You KNOW what you need to do, or you wouldn't be upset about this whole thing.
theobserver Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Loyal, you're being played indeed. I don't know what it's going to take you wake up and smell the coffee. Im a guy and if I did this to my partner she would cut me loose or atleast give me one hell of an ultimatum. I'd be really surprised if they both haven't done something sexual. I think you should be really worried, but I get this feeling for some reason you're willing to let it happen. Myabe you've been broken down over the years that you NEED this man, maybe you have family I don't know haven't had time to check your past posts. All I can say is nobody deserves to be treated this way, he should be stopping contact you need to sort this out. If you're not comfortable with this he should of stopped it should be minimal contact but it appears he has no care for your feelings. He's still casually texting her despite how you mentioned how much this hurt you? I think you need to tell him if this continues your gone, yet I wouldn't be surprised if as soon as your gone he'll hook up with her. Don't worry though you deserve better this mans been shopping for a while.
jmargel Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 I guess I'm trying to figure out what I can or can't live with and what I want to do... I was in a situation like yours, loyalgirl when my wife was contact her ex-bf after we were married. I would play detective all the time and only found things that way. It pushed me so far away that I wanted a divorce after that year. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I know what you are going through and I'm very sorry for this. Sounds like you are in a parent-child relationship in regards to your marriage. Look that up, you are constantly watching over 'your child' who has NO respect for you and the marriage. His immature and selfish behavior has caused this. Him refusing to cut all contact is another red flag. He's telling you things you want to hear about the text messages, calls, etc.. The point that they are still continuing is the main part in this. After a year of on and off, of what I went through like what you are the only thing that put a stop to it was me telling her to get out of the house that I was done. She didn't face the consequences of her behavior until I did that. I believe this is something you need to do as well. He continues to cross the boundaries in the marriage and something like this will destroy the marriage and trust. Good chance he's told you that you are 'crazy', 'paranoid', 'freaking out for no reason', etc.. right? My wife was great in making me feel like there was something wrong with me in checking her cell phone, etc.. She tried to put the blame on me for invading her privacy. These are RED FLAGS. They get defensive because they have something to hide. Go with your gut instinct. His immaturity and selfishness show what low morals he has towards you. An emotional affair is just as bad as a physical one. I couldn't be anymore hurt than I was if she told me she slept with him. Do a search on my screen name, way back in 2004/2005 there is a LONG post about my story. Anyway hang in there, keep us updated..
bish Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 My husband had an emotional affair from roughly February to June with a woman affiliated with his work. The affair was mostly by text message. In the month of May alone, my H and this person exchanged roughly 2,000 text messages. Started MC at the end of June. Our MC believes that I should top checking the phone bill, emails etc. Thats because he has something to hide. Anyone caught in an affair that is serious about making amends will have absolutely no problem being an open book. Every time I do check, however, there is some sort of activity. Of course there is. Why do you think he didn't want you to keep checking? Today, they exchanged 15 text messages. He "saved them" for me, and I read through them. Although the content itself seems non-controversial enough, I am not comfortable with this. And you shouldn't be comfortable with it. There should be NO CONTACT whatsoever between them. They more than likely agreed to make it look innocent so as to throw you off and they wouldn't have to completely stop contact. I wouldn't put up with any contact between them if I were you. I'm just sick of feeling like I have to watch my back all the time. I don't WANT to check the call and text logs anymore. I don't WANT to have to scroll through the phone to read all sent and received texts to this person. And if I do happen to check any accounts (cell, email etc...) I want there to be nothing there. What do you guys think? Should I stop checking up on the situation? When does this desire to check up go away? With your husband, the desire won't go away because he is not willing to cut this OW loose. You shouldn't stop checking until it is clear that he has stopped all contact. do you think your husband would be ok with you texting another guy that you were having an emotional affair with? You can better believe he wouldn't.
bish Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 I guess I'm trying to figure out what I can or can't live with and what I want to do... Its unacceptable for him to be in contact with this woman whatsoever. It shouldn't have to live with a husband that wants to still chat with a woman he could have very easily had a sexual relationship with, much less an emotional one. You need to drop an ultimatum.
Author LoyalGirl Posted September 12, 2008 Author Posted September 12, 2008 I think you should be really worried, but I get this feeling for some reason you're willing to let it happen. . I was just going on the advice of our MC who stressed... Don't pressure him... Let go of control... etc.
Trialbyfire Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 I sincerely wonder about some MCs, in that it appears that they're determined to make a marriage work, usually at the expense of one individual. Your husband has to stop all communications with the OW. If he won't, tell him to start packing his bags.
greenbuilt Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 my wife too did the just friends thing with her ea. it was/is one sided, but it nonetheless gutted our marrage. it turned me from trusting, happy and content to distrustfull, unhappy and crazy overnight. i have hardly slept for 2 years. i will always wonder. these things (ea's) are marrage killers. insisting on nc makes me a controlling husband. all i can say is watch out.
angie2443 Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 insisting on nc makes me a controlling husband. all i can say is watch out. As I have learned, you can't tell another adult what to do. What you can tell them, is that there will be consequences for their actions. Stick to your guns. If your wife doesn't do nc, take action. Find a way to leave if you can and protect your assets. Let her know that you are not going to sit their and let her walk all over you. Don't let her use the "controlling husband" remark to control you.
angie2443 Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 I was just going on the advice of our MC who stressed... Don't pressure him... Let go of control... etc. I don't know why your mc said this. What I do know, is if you do nothing you are a sitting duck and your husband will walk all over you. When my husband had his EA (he still maintains they were just friends), the only way I was able to change things was to grow a back bone and tell my husband exactly how I felt. I never did tell him to stop contact with his "friend", but made it clear that I wasn't willing to stay in a marriage if the "friend" was in the marriage also.
sweet&simple Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 ... I disagree with your MC so much haha. I think you should check until you feel comfortable to the point that you don't need to check. Why would MC tell you to "let go of control" when really, this is the first time you've had control of your relationship where your husband can't hide everything he does? I think you have to do what you feel comfortable with to move on. Why can't he leave this job? It's completely unacceptable and inappropriate for him to continue contact with her. Why exactly does he have to text her for work? Or say he's working nights and to "let him know if she's around." Doesn't really sound work related or necessary. I agree with whoever said it above me that there can't be recovery if there's still contact.. you will NEVER be comfortable or ok with it.
Author LoyalGirl Posted September 14, 2008 Author Posted September 14, 2008 I agree that I will never be comfortable with it...
jmargel Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 You can't let go until you have all the answers you are seeking. It's going to come down to you telling him you are uncomfortable of how this is playing out and that it's to the point that either things change or the relationship ends. That's what happened in my marriage. Don't wait for him to make the decision, you have alot more power in this then you know.
2sure Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 LoyalGirl, My H has had numerous Affairs - EA's , text messaging, PA - everything. Early in our marriage I discovered this and he and I decided to work it out. I basically trusted him and didnt check up on him (much) - then a year later I discovered he had been Texting several women - One of the women was someone he met through work. I knew they were friendly and wasnt concerned until I discovered months of text messages between them dating after their work affiliation stopped. Even then, it wasnt so much that they stayed in contact - it was the amount of texts / time. I was sick first because he had not stopped and also because I knew I had to either leave or be the Marriage Police. I told him I loved him and that if I stayed he would have to give me complete transparency/access to all his communications. When the cell bill came, we sat down and went over it together. All email accounts are now joint. It has been sometime and I think we are on the road to recovery. I dont check like I used to - but he has to answer any questions I have politely. He has had to think about his actions. If he thinks I would not like something he doesnt do it, regardless of his thinking it is harmless. He has had to understand that I am not being controlling - I didn't want this job. The biggest thing was that he stopped. If your husband hasnt stopped - it means he really doesnt think he is doing anything wrong . I wish I had been as forceful the first time it happened as I was the second.
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