Angel1111 Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 A 23-yr marriage is a tough thing to walk away from, and an affair is a tough thing to get past. So you're pretty much between a rock and a hard place. Time does lesson the effects of this wound and I think she wanted to get caught so that she could be honest with you. I don't think she deliberately left the card out but I think it was subconscious that it was somewhere where it might be found or discovered. If she absolutely did not want to get found out, she would've burned the card or something. The things you've said in this post, the way you've been hurt and the way you're feeling about this - you need to say to the shrink, and probably in private. But you need to say it and you need to get it off your chest. Just having someone to talk to can be a tremendous help so don't discount the counselor yet. If it doesn't work out with this one, find another one. They can really help with things if they're good at what they do. And you need to talk.
Author fingersniffer Posted September 27, 2008 Author Posted September 27, 2008 Angel, my wife had been at this for months, and was the most deceitful and dredful person - and she'd agree with me 100% about that. She was deleting every SMS in her cell phone, her email account was a secret and she changed the login on her laptop every few weeks to stop me getting in to it. I have a feeling that she had/has more than one cell phone - there may be one in work that I dont know about. She booked hotel rooms for him and her on our joint account. She went out of her way NOT to get caught, but she did, she messed up and she got caught. Owl: At this point she is desperate that we sort this out. She admits that its 100% her fault that she had an afair - I take it that I messed up in the past by not being the person that she deserved (no affairs or anything, but I havent been Mr Right all the time, I could have been better) and she is willing to do pretty much anything to work this out. She is being so honest about everything, but my trust is battered and bust, so just about anything she does has little or no effect on me and how I see her actions. Perhaps, time.... damn it I hope so, otherwise all of this is a waste of time. My heart has been broken and my soul destroyed, but she's been my sweetheart and my best friend. What am I supposed to do? And Bish - I really do appreciate your input, I want to know how to fix this, not walk away. Thanks a million to all you guys.
Konfuzion Posted September 27, 2008 Posted September 27, 2008 You know the people that are telling you to spy on her are so wrong. If you love her and she loves you you can and will get through this together, IT WILL NOT BE AN EASY ROAD but things like this can bring people closer together. The counseling is going to be key in your healing process and your spouse is going to have to accept whatever bitterness or struggles or anger that you have to go through to get passed this all. This is probably the hardest thing for a man to get over because as you mentioned you keep visualizing them together, because men are such visual creatures. And she violated something that is so important and sacred to all men... Hang in there and be strong, your relationship with be the better for it. We all have to go through things in life that are hard but they make us better people. Best of luck to you. (I am making this kind short there is so much more to say but I have to run).
Bryanp Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I feel very sorry for you. From your description she was a champion cheater who utilized all of the tricks of the trade to betray and deceive you while putting your health at risk for STD's. Again from your description she knew for a year all of the things she was doing and actually paid for the hotel rooms. Her ability to do all of these things you describe would indicate she would have to have utter contempt and distain for you and your marriage. It is clear she would still be having sex with her lover if she was not caught. She never had any intention of ever being honest with you. The bottom line is what do you really have now? You have a spouse who is a pro when it comes to cheating, humiliating, and disrespecting their spouse. She even admitted you did not do anything wrong and it was her who pursued this affair for a year. After all of this devastation she has done to you she wants back in. It is your life my friend but it seems clear that this is a woman who has a broken moral compass and could easily cheat on you in the future and you would never know. For an entire year she was lying to your face and could care less about your feelings. Maybe you should seriously ask yourself what kind of a person could have done such things for such an extended period of time? It was not just one of those things. My guess is that you are willing to accept all of this. I hope for your sake she does change because if she does not, I doubt she will make the same mistake again and get caught since she is so good at this. I think it would be very difficult to feel proud of being with such a spouse. I wish you luck.
Reggie Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I think it's possible to heal this, although, as another poster points out , it must be very hard and requires a lot of work by the WS. Contrary to the propoganda on sites and books promoting their marriage healing services for money, reconciliation after infidelity is fairly uncommon. I know you'll see stats that say 65% survive but they almost invariably come from someplace looking to make a buck. The stuff i've read that does not stand to gain anything says about 30% survive and that of that number , many marriages limp along thereafter. My therapist who specializes and has decent credentials says it's like 15% survival. And, this is from his clientele that has already demonstrated some desire to fix things. even then, 85% don't make it. I think your wife needs to show you that she wants to fix herself. Is she in counseling. What steps has she taken to rebuild trust and help you and the marriage heal? Has she been the driving force to get MC or go to Retrouville? Has she changed her habits? You just cannot ever forget this stuff, short of a lobotomy. Forgive or accept, maybe. But, you can't erase your memory banks.
angel face Posted September 29, 2008 Posted September 29, 2008 FS Here is a little of what I know at first hand. People do recover forget what the books say etc if you really want this and so does she then you and only you two can prove everybody else wrong. You asked for help on saving your marriage this forum tends to get very loud by those who praise divorce and see no room for human error or failings. Talk to your wife tell her about the graphic things that go through your head. In my situation I tell my H "my head is full and I can't stop it" he is fantastic he starts doing stuff that makes me have to interact with him and before I know it we are laughing and I have forgotten it. Is he manipulative? No, You see our situation is slightly different we both have horrible thoughts that cripple us when they enter our heads. When it is him I hold him and I talk about things that I know are beautiful in his head. It works. To the best of my knowledge phone records can't be changed if you view them on the web. You know you have to learn to trust and part of that is knowing you can have access to all records but not bothering to check. Sometimes our hurt becomes our security Blanket, Try pushing yourself to do something uncomfortable, hold her hand, Tell her you love her (only if you do). Saying it out loud and realising the world doesn't explode breaks down another wall between you. Take your time, remember that she wants you and you want her. Remember that you cannot change the past but the future is all yours to own and to make happy. You know why you took her back, is she back because she wants her soulmate back? Don't remain unhappy get up brush yourself down and demand your happiness. Try and control those thoughts as much as you can and when you can't just tell her and ask for help. Find the happiest moment in your life and when those bad bad thoughts come in and you are alone push them out as best you can. Fill that space with that happiest of moments. Not all people who cheat will cheat again, some learn and realise that they cannot and will not lose their partner again. I wish you luck, stay strong
BradleyN Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 My wife of 23 years and the mom of my 3 kids had an affair with a local guy that we both knew. Her affair carried on for about a year, and as a result of me finding out (I found the birthday card he gave her and confronted her on it. She spilled her guts) we separated for 2 years. Now we are back trying to sort out this awful mess, and to get things back on track. We have a counsellor who seems ok, I dont really know if I'm convinced, I've never been to a shrink or a counsellor before and I dont know what to expect. . I had the same experience, like you, my wife cheated on me. I was married 23 years, kids. I was madly in love with her. I was devastated. I confronted her, and she filed for divorce.
BradleyN Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 How do you deal with the kids that know about the wife cheating but do not tell the husband?
michelangelo Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 Your children are victims in this. How old are they? If they were afraid of rocking the boat, or were instructed by your wife to not say anything, etc., it is not their fault. You need a professional to work this out. One other thing. You mention that you had a girlfriend while separated and she had a number of men but you don't want to know about it. This is going to rear it's ugly head at some time. Address it with the counselor. This is a sad and tough LIFE CHANGER.
bish Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I had the same experience, like you, my wife cheated on me. I was married 23 years, kids. I was madly in love with her. I was devastated. I confronted her, and she filed for divorce. And whether you thought divorce was a good idea or not, she did you a favor.
angel face Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 His kids did not know. He was talking about their mutual friends knowing. This was clarified earlier. This happens a lot people not reading properly what is said. I know i might sound like an old nag but this really gets to me. FS wrote in looking for advice to SAVE his marriage not end it. If you have nothing productive to say other than Divorce her, go find a thread that is asking for that. Life is hard enough without some of the cold heated bitterness that some of you lot love to post. Bish what is it about you or am I completely wrong and if I am, then I am truly sorry and willing to eat humble pie. You only slate the women who cheat. I have never read you having a go at men. If I am right then man, that bitterness is going to make you one unlovable man. If you were like this before your wife cheated, then man you need to look in the mirror and understand why. FS Hope you are coping Sorry if I insulted but it gets really boring listening to some of this stuff
Author fingersniffer Posted October 4, 2008 Author Posted October 4, 2008 Angelface, thanks for your kind words and thoughts, I really dont mind that people say good or bad things, everyone is entitled to an opinion, doesnt really matter if its horribel or not. Things are ok at the moment, I have had some rocky few days now where things have been tough, but I ride it out and try keep my self together. Its not easy, but its what I want. BradleyN, I am sorry for your trouble, I dont know what else to say, I hope that you can find happiness where ever. The madness doesnt seem to go though does it? I wake up most nights and I keep a beautiful framed picture of two of my kids right next to my bed, that gives me something to focus on when I wake up and cannot shift the image of Him out of my head. This is hard work, but I choose to do it. I really hope that in time it all pays off. Thanks guys.
bish Posted October 6, 2008 Posted October 6, 2008 Bish what is it about you or am I completely wrong and if I am, then I am truly sorry and willing to eat humble pie. You only slate the women who cheat. I have never read you having a go at men. Then you haven't read much. Its there, just look. If I am right then man, that bitterness is going to make you one unlovable man. If you were like this before your wife cheated, then man you need to look in the mirror and understand why. The answer would be no, wasn't like this before. and not like this with decent women.
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