fingersniffer Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 My wife of 23 years and the mom of my 3 kids had an affair with a local guy that we both knew. Her affair carried on for about a year, and as a result of me finding out (I found the birthday card he gave her and confronted her on it. She spilled her guts) we separated for 2 years. Now we are back trying to sort out this awful mess, and to get things back on track. We have a counsellor who seems ok, I dont really know if I'm convinced, I've never been to a shrink or a counsellor before and I dont know what to expect. Anyway, my point.... I cannot get the images of the two of them together. I cannot stop thinking about him touching my wife, seeing her naked, being inside her and doing the things that she promised were our pleasures and our secrets and our joys. She went to galleries with him, to the movies, to bars and concerts. She gave him our life on a plate. Every day I see him, and everyday I hurt again. I do not own her, but we made a promise. And she broke that promise, and with it my heart. Moving house is not an option, my job involves a lot of travelling over seas, but I have to be based where we are for logistics reasons. How do I squash the pain. Will I ever get through this? I have forgiven her, because I know that what she did was one of those things. I hate that she has done it, and I hope that it never happens again. I cannot trust her, I want to, but everything she does arouses suspicions. When she goes out with her friends I am nearly driven to distraction wondering what she is really doing. Because she became a master of deception. She lied about getting the groceries, about paying the utilities, about needing time on her own (when she was living it up with him in motels). She has offered me her email details, and her cell-phone records, but she is too clever, and she knows how to disguise and hide things. I presume that she has multiple email adresses and probably another cell-phone in work. She could show me anything and I would never truely believe her. She forgot that she was a mother, she was consumed by the passions and she betrayed me and our 3 children. I know that she is a good person. But I really dont know how to rebuild. I am so saddened by this entire affair that there are times that I dont want to go on. I want the world to stop. It is like suffocating. My children keep me alive. I dont have any friends or family that I can talk to, her friends were my friends, but since her affair I only look at them as being as complicent in the entire mess. They knew and protected her. There are many factors in our relationship that made us get to the point of her affair, but I never deserved what I got. The nose rubbing in the dirt, her disregard for me. Her disrespect. Her lack of loyalty. And now, I would like to move on. I would like my soulmate back. I have been reading these forums for ages now, and something thats come up was that she should basically suck up to me.... do everything that she can to let me know, but I'm not as stupid as I was in the past. I could see through that in a second. But I dont want her to beat herself up, I think that she is forgiving herself too, and thats a great thing. Sorry for the long post... its been a very long three years of my life. And as she sits in the kitchen talking to her mom, and I am in the den typing this, I feel as if its going to be a very very long time before I am comfortable with her and her actions. Please help.
Red_Apple Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 I know what I'm going to type isn't as simple to do: I think that you deserve much better than this. I think that you should just separate completely from your spouse. But I know that might sound cliche, but I think it would be best if you concentrated on getting your happiness back together. On the other hand, if that means working things out with your spouse, that's also up to you. You could try to work things out - after all, that's a central part of relationships/marriages. I hope this was helpful :s Sorry if it doesn't help much
In Like Flynn Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Get a keylogger for the computer it will track all her emails even the ones you don't know about.
Owl Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 If you want a new life together with her (and it would have to be new, since the old one brings such pain to you)...make it a BRAND new life. Move to a new city. Get a complete and total fresh start. Make it impossible for OM to 'find her by accident'. Make it impossible for the affair to "accidentally restart'. New jobs, new location, new home...complete and total fresh start. Tough? Heck yeah...but can you think of any other way for you to turn this around? For this to be a "new marriage" for the two of you?
bish Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 My wife of 23 years and the mom of my 3 kids had an affair with a local guy that we both knew. Her affair carried on for about a year, and as a result of me finding out (I found the birthday card he gave her and confronted her on it. She spilled her guts) we separated for 2 years. Now we are back trying to sort out this awful mess, and to get things back on track. We have a counsellor who seems ok, I dont really know if I'm convinced, I've never been to a shrink or a counsellor before and I dont know what to expect. Anyway, my point.... I cannot get the images of the two of them together. I cannot stop thinking about him touching my wife, seeing her naked, being inside her and doing the things that she promised were our pleasures and our secrets and our joys. She went to galleries with him, to the movies, to bars and concerts. She gave him our life on a plate. Sorry to say, you will never get those images out of your head. I'm sure, if you stayed with her, there would come a day where you don't think about it all the time, but you still will from time to time. Only way to get rid of those images is to lose the cheater. How do I squash the pain. By divorcing her. Will I ever get through this? I have forgiven her, because I know that what she did was one of those things. One of what things??? I hate that she has done it, and I hope that it never happens again. I cannot trust her Then why did you forgive her? I want to, but everything she does arouses suspicions. When she goes out with her friends I am nearly driven to distraction wondering what she is really doing. Well she needs to make up for what she has done. Someone who has cheated has no business going out with friends. At least going out with friends doing things like going to bars, nightclubs, or staying out late drinking. is she doing any of those things? If so, then sorry to say, she has no interest in doing right by you and making this up to you. She forgot that she was a mother, she was consumed by the passions and she betrayed me and our 3 children. I know that she is a good person. But I really dont know how to rebuild. Good people don't cheat on their spouses and kids. I am so saddened by this entire affair that there are times that I dont want to go on. I want the world to stop. It is like suffocating. My children keep me alive. I dont have any friends or family that I can talk to, her friends were my friends, but since her affair I only look at them as being as complicent in the entire mess. They knew and protected her. Your kids knew and protected her??? Are you kidding?? I think I'd have to disown my children for that. Have your kids ever apologized for keeping this from you? There are many factors in our relationship that made us get to the point of her affair, but I never deserved what I got. The nose rubbing in the dirt, her disregard for me. Her disrespect. Her lack of loyalty. Nose rubbing? Did she rub her affair in your nose? If so, I serisously don't know why you are with her. If she rubbed your nose in the affair, then she is a certified b!tch and NOT a good person as you say. but need clarification on what you meant with that statement. And now, I would like to move on. I would like my soulmate back. I hate to say this, but she betrayed you, and spread her legs for another man. She is not your soulmate. I have been reading these forums for ages now, and something thats come up was that she should basically suck up to me.... do everything that she can to let me know, but I'm not as stupid as I was in the past. I could see through that in a second. But I dont want her to beat herself up, I think that she is forgiving herself too, and thats a great thing. If she is still partying with friends, then she hasn't changed and isn't doing what she can to let you know she won't do it again. Sorry for the long post... its been a very long three years of my life. And as she sits in the kitchen talking to her mom, and I am in the den typing this, I feel as if its going to be a very very long time before I am comfortable with her and her actions. Please help. Honestly man, why do you still want her if she is still exhibiting suspicious behavior and still whooping it up with her girlfriends? Have you considered divorce? I think too many people stay in a bad M because of economics, being comfortable with the family in one unit. but I can tell you right now, you will go mad with your suspicions, the fact you can't trust her, and her inability to prove to you that she has changed when she is still exhibiting the same behaviors when she cheated.
Terminator Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 lesson in reading comprehension 101 bish Quote: I am so saddened by this entire affair that there are times that I dont want to go on. I want the world to stop. It is like suffocating. My children keep me alive. I dont have any friends or family that I can talk to, her friends were my friends, but since her affair I only look at them as being as complicent in the entire mess. They knew and protected her. Your kids knew and protected her??? Are you kidding?? I think I'd have to disown my children for that. Have your kids ever apologized for keeping this from you? There was a period there. It's the friends that he sees as having known and protected her, not his kids.
Author fingersniffer Posted September 13, 2008 Author Posted September 13, 2008 It's the friends that he sees as having known and protected her, not his kids. Thank you T for the correct interpretation. I just dont know what to do. Can anybody ever forgive and forget a cheat? Is it possible? I want to, I really want to, but I dont know if I can. There is so much that I would love to share with her, but its all been tarnished with a horrible horribel feeling of betrayal, shame and disloyalty. My heart is so heavy, my soul so low.
Bryanp Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 Let me get this straight. Your wife was screwing another man for a year, putting your health at risk for STD's and totally humiliating you and disrespecting your marriage. You say you forgave her for this because it is just one of those things? How can you say this? It is not just one of those things? If the roles were reversed and you screwed another woman for a year behind your wife's back, do you honestly think your wife would say: Well it just one of those things? Why would you wish to stay with someone who would do this to you for a year? Clearly she has the ability to lie and cheat on you and you did not have a clue for a year? Clearly she has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
Darth Vader Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 Thank you T for the correct interpretation. I just dont know what to do. Can anybody ever forgive and forget a cheat? Is it possible? I want to, I really want to, but I dont know if I can. There is so much that I would love to share with her, but its all been tarnished with a horrible horribel feeling of betrayal, shame and disloyalty. My heart is so heavy, my soul so low. If she's giving you doubts now, I'd divorce her PRONTO! Chances are she's been Banging this OM all during the separation, and may still be doing it, but, just doing it underground. Were you still faithful even during the separation? Does her family know what she's been up to? Oh, and these things don't "Just Happen"! The WS wants it to happen! There's No Excuse for cheating, NONE! If you Divorce her, just make sure your assests like your house, bank accounts, pension plan and 401k are protected, go for sole custody of the children as well! You shouldn't have to pay for her affair!
theobserver Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 Listen friend, first let's get out of the idea good and evil. All humans are both, we can show our concept of good and bad actions to different people at different times. The real issue here is trust. Trust that she broke 2 yrs ago for a year getting down with another man. The kicker here is that she would never of confessed of the evidence wasn't right in your face you've also felt you've lost people that you would of called friends as you feel they knew and should of said something. (This is what's cruel about things these days people decide not to say anything as it's "not their business" yet they are happy to take that BBQ invitation but not happy to tell you your partner is cheating) I know you have children but try to put them aside for a second and think. Exactly why did you get back with her? were you unable to find someone else during that time, I guess you couldn't fully get over her or maybe you're back with her for the sake of the children (shakes head always a bad idea?) Taking someone back means you need to be able to wipe the slate clean, you wont fully forget but she should be doing everything in her power to earn back your trust. The problem is you're second guessing everything she's offering (emails, phone) and why because she was skilled enough to fool you for a year email and phone records are cake. You are not in the stage to forgive sadly IMO I would walk before these trust issues you have destroy you both infront of the children again. Best you say you tried and seperate then live and resent her further infront of the children who will pick it up. I do agree though that if you want this to work it would probably be a good idea to move if you can afford to especially if this guy is still around. It will be a constant reminder and if she disagrees she better have a good reason if she truely wants this to work . She may use the children as a means to not move (they have friends here etc etc) don't worry about the kids they will adapt and you can remind her well all I have here is bad memories of the things you did with him I'm reminded everyday of the betrayal etc etc. This is of course your choice, you will choose what needs to be done. This is just my opinion. Best of luck. If you ask me though seems she only got back because the guy and or nobody else wanted to shack up with someone with 3 kids. If I was you as said above I would get your assets in order give some family members some temporary "GIFTS" and file those papers because ... damn 1 year doing intimate and romantic things with another man nuh-uh do not pass go, do not collect 200.
Lizzie60 Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 From what I read.. she screwed for over a year.. now she wants the M to work.. you have forgiven her and she has forgiven herself.. That being said, you HAVE to put that behind you... otherwise it will be impossible to move on with your marriage. There is no 'miracle' cure.. only time will heal the pain.. I know it must be extremely hard for someone who has been cheated to trust her/him again... but if you want to stay with her.. you need to forget the whole thing.. don't let the dark thoughts take over.. change your mind.. meditate.. go for a walk.. it is easier said than done .. but for your own sanity and happiness as well as hers.. you have to put that behind you.
Author fingersniffer Posted September 14, 2008 Author Posted September 14, 2008 lizzie 60, thank you - thats the closet that I have come to hearing something that I want to. To all the others, thank you too for your input. I want to be part of the group that survives this. I want to put it behind me, its hard... real hard thats all.. Youre all right - she cheated... she did wrong. But shes a good person. Shes been a good wife and mother. She was in a real bad place for a while, and chose the wrong way to deal with it. (no sit I hear you say!) Its my choice to forgive her, again, youre right, if the shoe was on the other foot this would be a very different discussion that we'd be having, and I can imagine the abuse that she'd be yellin at me. But its not, my reality is this. Its very hard to tell you the full story, because its long, and I want to get past it. I want a fresh start. I want to get back the wife I knew, and the life I had. I want this horribel feeling to go, and I want to feel happy. heres a few parts to the story: *She was lost - kind of like a breakdown I guess. *Her affair was with this other guy. He is a serial cheater and she says used her. (I'm not stupid... she wasnt raped or anything, she chose to screw the slimeball.) *it went on for a year and only ended because I busted her. *we both saw other people in the time that we were seperated. I met a lovely single mom but it didnt work out. She (my wife) was seeing several people, I dont know the exact details and I dont want to. *Her offering me her cellfone records and emails etc is BS, I know that - she is very able to fake them and use them to fool me again...so its a hollow and useless thing. *she is keeping an on-line blog and I've seen the things that she wants/needs of me and I am a million miles from them at the moment... but her patients is low and she expects me to be able to say I Love You just like that, and I cant. it all sucks big time, and I really wish that none of this had ever happened, but it did, and this is my world. Thanks guys, for all your words, both what I want to hear, and what I dont.... Its all good to see.
cybersister Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 I think it is heart rending that you want to try again. I have been married twice. the first time, there were no kids. H had a brief affair- and we were apart for a year. In that time I dated but found we wanted to try again. It was hard, and if I am honest I am I ever really forgot although I did forgive.- we lasted another 3-4 years after the reconciliation. 2nd time it was me who fell off the fidelity ladder. I still feel guilty. cos yes, I still believe I am basically a good decent person. I just made a mistake. H did not want to try again, I think he was glad he could end the R with me to blame without seeing how his neglect had contributed ( he was depressed for a number of years) I suffered because my parents split cos my dad could not keep it in his pants. I did not want that for my kids and wish we had found a way to sort things out as you are trying to do. as for mobiles/ e-mails etc, you are right, if someone wants to deceive you they will. It is getting your M to the state where she would not want to think about it . There are no guarantees. But those advocating divorce don't figure that that does not end the pain. If anything it prolongs it. Good luck
Sup Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 Its my choice to forgive her, again, youre right, if the shoe was on the other foot this would be a very different discussion that we'd be having, and I can imagine the abuse that she'd be yellin at me. Have you brought this up with her? This sounds like a double standard right there! If you haven't brought it up, I think you need to. You can't and shouldn't be expected to "just get over it" like someone here has stated, because you'll never actually get over it, all those images and stuff! What, does your wife think that? If she's thinking this way, that tells you that she really doesn't care about your feelings and well being at all, at the same time she doesn't want to accept the consequences or responsibilities of her actions! You're settling for her crap! Why settle for someone who does that trumatic kind of abuse to not only you, but, also to her children? Man, you gotta get away from her, you deserve much better than your cheater that you have for a wife. She'll probably end up doing this to you again.
bish Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 lesson in reading comprehension 101 bish There was a period there. It's the friends that he sees as having known and protected her, not his kids. Not a reading comprehension problem, just read it too fast.
bish Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 lizzie 60, thank you - thats the closet that I have come to hearing something that I want to. So you want to only see validity in opinions you are wanting to hear? Here is the problem. We have been where you are. Lizzie, on the other hand, makes it her life mission to latch on to married men because she doesn't want them to leave their wives. She just wants to sleep with them. But good luck my man, some have to learn the hard way. To all the others, thank you too for your input. I want to be part of the group that survives this. I want to put it behind me, its hard... real hard thats all.. Question is, why do you want this marriage to survive? So you can go the rest of your visioning her spreading her legs for another man? That will happen. Youre all right - she cheated... she did wrong. But shes a good person. Ok:confused: Shes been a good wife and mother. A good wife that screws another man? Thats a new one on me. She was in a real bad place for a while, and chose the wrong way to deal with it. (no sit I hear you say!) So now I understand. You so desperately want this marriage to survive, for whatever reason, that you are willing to make excuses for her to try to justify it in your own mind. Its that mindset that got you walked all over in the first place and the mindset that will get you walked all over again. Its my choice to forgive her, again, youre right, if the shoe was on the other foot this would be a very different discussion that we'd be having, and I can imagine the abuse that she'd be yellin at me. But its not, my reality is this. Its very hard to tell you the full story, because its long, and I want to get past it. I want a fresh start. I want to get back the wife I knew, and the life I had. BINGO! There it is. You want to get back to the life you had. Trust me, I wanted to cling on to the life I had too. But it was impossible as the life I had was with someone I thought was a faithful wife. Your wife is not faithful, therefore you can't go back to the life you had, unless you are willing to be a cuckold, which sounds what you are willing to be. I want this horribel feeling to go, and I want to feel happy. I understand my man, believe me I do. But I guarantee you, you will be happy in one sense, that you held on to that "life" you had...living at home with your children....hoping people still see you as a perfect family and the hopes that nobody finds out. But deep down, I guarantee you, you won't be happy. I, like you, tried. But in the end, all I could see was the word "cheater" written on her forehead. And I refused to excuse her behavior. Believe me, I wanted to make the marriage work, but only so I could keep the kids in the home they had grown to love. Until I started thinking more clearly, I was willing to be unhappy with someone unworthy of my affections and loyalty. heres a few parts to the story: *She was lost - kind of like a breakdown I guess. *Her affair was with this other guy. He is a serial cheater and she says used her. (I'm not stupid... she wasnt raped or anything, she chose to screw the slimeball.) She says he used her? Hope you didn't cry her a river on that one. *she is keeping an on-line blog and I've seen the things that she wants/needs of me and I am a million miles from them at the moment... but her patients is low and she expects me to be able to say I Love You just like that, and I cant. What? She cheats, yet the burden to make the marriage works lies with you??? That is seriously @#$!@ up man. Well, I guess you better get cracking and do as she demands. Seriously man, SHE is the one that needs to bust her ass to make sure she is worthy of your more than generous forgiving nature. it all sucks big time, and I really wish that none of this had ever happened, but it did, and this is my world. Thanks guys, for all your words, both what I want to hear, and what I dont.... Its all good to see. Trust me my man, I am not getting down on you at all. My sympathies always lie with a BS. Its one thing to be played for a fool during an affair, its another for the cheater to engage in emotional extortion (i.e. highlighting what she expects of you without a mention of what she needs to do for you). Just don't be a fool and don't be so understanding that she has you wrapped around your little finger, cuz it sounds as if you already are pretty much. Make sure you express to her that you will not stand for being walked all over. Yes, met her little demands, but also let it known that you aren't going to be played for a fool ever again. Good luck with that.
Lizzie60 Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 and I should add.. after I read some posts.. that some people never find happiness.. they rather live a bitter life of 'loser' forever instead of trying to find a way to be happy and forgiving.. Please don't miserable.. you will only hurt yourself..
smartgirl Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 FS - Totally relate to your situation. My H had an A with a coworker for about a year. The woman was wildly inappropriate in many ways and she really wasn't what the A was about. The A was about him, crap he has been dragging along with him his whole life and the mental/emotional state he was in at the time. The OW was the gasoline on the flame - she pushed it to start and kept it going -- for awhile. But things like that burn out because there isn't really anything there of substance. Facts were revealed over time, some readily and some only when forced. He has done a great deal to try and regain my heart and trust. We have put a lot of work into our relationship in the 2 1/2 years since i found out. But I still hate her and want to see her punished (her H never found out and she remains at their place of employment). I still don't completely trust him. I don't think he would start back up with her in affair-mode, but I think he would have conversations or interactions with her and hide it from me. It is the concealment and lies that I can't handle, not the contact. These remain open wounds that I can't seem to heal, just like you. The first is a matter of competition. This whore tried to break up my marriage and I take that personally, whether I should or not. I want to take revenge. I guess I'm not a very big person, but this really eats at me. I know that she is a basically unhappy person. She broke up her current H's first marriage and she seems to need that kind of thing to feel good. I know that aside from her body, she doesn't compare with me in any way. I don't even need him to tell me that. I should feel "good" knowing that he wants me and not her and that his addiction to her had little basis in rational thinking. Your wife likely knows this same kind of thing about her OM. He was a player and they are troubled people lacking in true confidence. He doesn't represent any of the things a woman really wants in her life. What he likely represented was a temporary escape from feeling like your sexy self is being buried in diapers, homecooked meals and dry cleaning. Those are all part of life, but people fear the loss of their youth and the light, airy things that made them feel sexy and alluring. Panic sets in and where there is panic there is rarely rational thinking. That is why you can forgive it. Even the sex because the sex was exciting, but it wasn't that great. It was hot, but it wasn't really intimate and she never really loved him. Sometimes the idea of the sex is actually more exciting than the sex itself. It is the lying and the deceit that are really hard to get past. That isn't about them. That is about their respect and feelings for you! As I saw in a recent article, "the adulterer fails to realize that the lying sets up an adversarial relationship with the spouse and is therefore, the greater offense." And what makes it really, really hard to get past is realizing how slick they were and how stupid you feel for not catching on sooner. You not only don't trust them, you don't trust yourself anymore either. You always thought you'd know if she was lying and now you realize you can't tell. It is THAT fear that is really eating at you. There is no way to be sure. You can check phone records and spy and in the end, you have no real choice but to take a leap of faith. You can express to her the profound impact the lying has had and try to emphasize why it can't happen again - even small lies -- not about him anyway. But you can't be sure she will understand and comply. My H only barely gets it and I know he thinks it is better to conceal things that "don't mean anything." Actually, he has a list of reasons that he thinks it is better to just keep a lid on things by avoiding confrontations. There has not been a situation where something happened with her and he just told me. Is it because nothing happened or because he didn't tell me? I don't have PROOF that he won't lie and taking the leap is hard. Sometimes I still think I can't do it. I always thought I would know if he was lying to me and sometimes I think I hate myself for having failed at that. But it was an illusion. I created a level of certainty in my mind that never really existed. You marry believing that people will keep their promises and treat you the way you want to be treated. That is all about your desires, expectations and maybe some of it is pure fantasy. No one can predict the future or how they will feel at a given moment in time. We are weak and we fail and if we are lucky we get a chance to try and make amends. She owes you and that is a fact. But you have to help reestablish the kind of marriage that you both want to be in. That is a fact too.
misternoname Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Hate to be cynical but here's my two cents worth...my wife of 24 years cheated on me more than once. I finally had enough and filed for divorce. We tried to reconcile but I finally admitted to myself that regardless of how "good" she acted I would NEVER trust her again. I've lived a life of paranoia...such a state of mind is like a cancer that festers and never goes away. I've recently met and fell in love with another woman. It's hard to describe how refreshing it is to be with someone that I don't have to constantly fret and worry over. It's cliche but I'm starting to believe the old "once a cheater always a cheater" philosophy. I stayed mainly out of fear of the unknown..Since leaving the relationship I've discovered there is life out there. My mental state is so much better now...no regrets!
bish Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 and I should add.. after I read some posts.. that some people never find happiness.. they rather live a bitter life of 'loser' forever instead of trying to find a way to be happy and forgiving.. Please don't miserable.. you will only hurt yourself.. Oh come on now Liz, I know you are talking about me here:rolleyes: I would be unhappy if I stayed with her. Divorcing her was the best thing ever. I no longer have to wonder what kind of wife she is being or if I can trust her. She is no longer my problem. And I define 'loser' as someone who sleeps with other people's spouses without any remorse.
bish Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Hate to be cynical but here's my two cents worth...my wife of 24 years cheated on me more than once. I finally had enough and filed for divorce. We tried to reconcile but I finally admitted to myself that regardless of how "good" she acted I would NEVER trust her again. finger, listen to this man, he is speaking the truth. I've recently met and fell in love with another woman. It's hard to describe how refreshing it is to be with someone that I don't have to constantly fret and worry over. finger, you can have this too!! And be happy. It just won't happen as long as you stay with a cheating wife. It's cliche but I'm starting to believe the old "once a cheater always a cheater" philosophy. I stayed mainly out of fear of the unknown BINGO!! Thats why I believe most people stay. finger, again, listen to this man. he, like I, has been where you are. We aren't just pulling this stuff out of thin air. We know what goes on in the mind of a BS, we were there. Since leaving the relationship I've discovered there is life out there. My mental state is so much better now...no regrets! Same here. I guarantee, finger, the way you describe things, this is going to bother you from here til eternity. I suspect you want to stay for the reason he highlighted above....fear of the unknown. That was the reason I tried to stay. But in the end, there was no way I was going to stay married to someone that I had to think about her cheating even if only from time to time if it popped into my head. There is a better life out there for you. Life with a cheater is no life at all.
Author fingersniffer Posted September 15, 2008 Author Posted September 15, 2008 There is a better life out there for you. Life with a cheater is no life at all. Thanks Bish, I mean that sincereley.... I just wish to believe that my W is not always a cheater, that one action doesnt define her for the rest of her days.
bish Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Thanks Bish, I mean that sincereley.... I just wish to believe that my W is not always a cheater, that one action doesnt define her for the rest of her days. Maybe it defines her for the rest of her days, and maybe not. But do you honestly think that if she desired to mess around with other men that her desire to do that will go away? I don't believe so. A cheater can actively take steps to never cheat again, but you know deep down they still would like some strange. Just don't be a fool and don't let her call the shots. She is in no position. Rather than you meeting her "needs", she needs to be ever so humble and learn a lesson in humility. She needs to be bending over backwards to prove herself worthy of your forgiveness. Stand up, brush yourself off and say, "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!!!!"
Owl Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 FS, I'll give you the other side of the equation. Trust CAN be rebuilt. Marriages CAN and DO recover from infidelity. But...that's only after a lot of hard work and effort on BOTH parts. If your wife is saying she wants to work things out...then she needs to be DOING that as well. That means going with you to marriage counseling to help BOTH of you rebuild the trust, rebuild the love...create a better foundation for your marriage. She's got to learn to understand what her affair did to you...to your view of the marriage. She's got to learn how to enforce boundaries, how to become an open book so that you can rebuild trust, she's got to take an active role in fixing what she destroyed. If she can't/won't...then Bish is right...there's no point in attempting to reconcile, because there's no way that the marriage will heal...there's no way that you will heal. But...if she can...if she will...things CAN get better. My wife had an affair about four years ago...we're in a happily recovered marriage. But we COULDN'T have gotten here if it weren't for those things I described. In order for your marriage to heal...in addition to her doing what I described above...there has to be NC between her and OM for life. That's NOT POSSIBLE while you live in the same neighborhood as he does. Again...you'll never heal, nor will your marriage. A move is going to have to be a REQUIRMENT for the two of you to rebuild. Make sense?
mia1266 Posted September 20, 2008 Posted September 20, 2008 Thank you T for the correct interpretation. I just dont know what to do. Can anybody ever forgive and forget a cheat? Is it possible? I want to, I really want to, but I dont know if I can. There is so much that I would love to share with her, but its all been tarnished with a horrible horribel feeling of betrayal, shame and disloyalty. My heart is so heavy, my soul so low. I know you want to forgive and forget and yes its possible but it depends mostly on everything around it and your wifes attitude. She cannot minimize it and she has to care she hurt you. I was not able to forgive him because of how he treated me and our daughter and how he feels the anguish he caused his family is not a big deal . Of course we are just "overly sensitive". That truely sickens me. My heart goes out to you..
Recommended Posts