dreamy1945 Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Just wondering if there is anyone like Katherine Hepburn for example that is in a affair and can except the fact that is all it will ever be. Just to be with the one you truly love whenever possible with no expectations. Anyone?
jj33 Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 I went into the A like that knowing he had a marriage of convenience and no intention of leaving. I never wanted to do anything to interfere with his family (children are grown so its not like I was taking him away from anyone he showed up when required for W). But I think alot of it depends on the man and how he responds to that situation. In my case it became messy over time. He felt guilt and pressure. He wanted me to want more for myself. Its hard to describe but it became a mess. In my case I think he just wasnt good at having a love affair - a sex affair yes but a love affair no. Didnt really fit into his plans. And now all this time later he misses the emotional connection and is bugging me to no end. Personally where someone is in a marriage of convenience, I dont see why it cant work if the people involved have the same perspective. The longer you are together the more intimate it gets etc and its harder to compartmentalize. Apparently its a lot of pressure having a double life over an extended period of time when your emotional needs are being fulfilled by the OW. So I think its not just a question of whether the OW can handle it its how the MM responds to the situation. In many of the threads people are upset with how they are being treated even while the A is in progress not just with the fact that he is not leaving.
wildsoul Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Not me. I don't do well with constrictions/limitations. I've never been in an A (until now) but I tried dating a polyamorous guy before (for a few months.) I even met his long time poly girlfriend (who was married to another poly man.) It was okay for the short time when I wouldn't expect commitment yet anyways, but then it was like a clock ticking. In a poly situation, you have to accept that it will never be monogamous. Didn't work for me. I knew an A wouldn't work for me when I got involved in MM. But he gave me enough story about them ending their marriage soon that I moved my boundary--with the idea that it was just a short overlap while he goes thru his divorce. Trying to accept that has been much harder than I anticipated. I'm not at all cut out to be an OW.
Author dreamy1945 Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 Is he getting a divorce?
Agent_99 Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 How about. . .sort of. When I went into the A knowing that she wasn't going to leave her partner. I was still married at the time and I wasn't planning on leaving my XH. It's onlt been recently that I've accepted the fact that there will never be anything more between her and I. But what happened when I accepted that and gave up hope that there would ever be more: I was finally able to start moveing on. I love her dearly, but it doesn't change the fact that I want more out of life and out of a relationship than she has to offer. In the past I've often told her that I wish I could be happy with the lifestyle of the OW, but it's just not satisfying enough for me. ~99
wildsoul Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Is he getting a divorce? Not yet. He very recently leased an apartment and is separating. He tells me that he "isn't ever going back" and that he is serious about being with me. He didn't leave for me exactly (nor would I want him to) but he did speed it up after I had broken up with him. The reality is that he isn't ready to ask his W for a divorce. He wants to let the separation settle in first. It's only been 2 weeks since he got his new place. So much remains to be seen. He tells me a lot of plans/intentions that he has for us, but I won't bother to repeat them because I'm watching actions more than investing in words. I'm still evaluating a lot and figuring out what I want to. For now, I have agreed to date him as long as he is formally separated. I'm not hung up about the D papers needing to be in the works (yet) but we do have to be out in the open, no sneaking around. Again, so much remains to be seen.
OWoman Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Just wondering if there is anyone like Katherine Hepburn for example that is in a affair and can except the fact that is all it will ever be. Just to be with the one you truly love whenever possible with no expectations. Anyone? In the past it worked perfectly for me - only it wasn't a MM, it was always more than one (mostly M, sometimes a SG or two too) and there wasn't any of the love stuff involved. At least, those were the ground rules - when they started becoming all doe-eyed and soppy and I could tell the L word was hiding around the corner, waiting to peep out, I'd dump them. But, things have changed.
TogetherForever Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Not yet. He very recently leased an apartment and is separating. He tells me that he "isn't ever going back" and that he is serious about being with me. He didn't leave for me exactly (nor would I want him to) but he did speed it up after I had broken up with him. The reality is that he isn't ready to ask his W for a divorce. He wants to let the separation settle in first. It's only been 2 weeks since he got his new place. So much remains to be seen. He tells me a lot of plans/intentions that he has for us, but I won't bother to repeat them because I'm watching actions more than investing in words. I'm still evaluating a lot and figuring out what I want to. For now, I have agreed to date him as long as he is formally separated. I'm not hung up about the D papers needing to be in the works (yet) but we do have to be out in the open, no sneaking around. Again, so much remains to be seen.[/quote] My sweetheart isn't divorced yet even after being with him for 8 years & living 2gether for over 6 years. I used to be hung up on him getting a divorce, but not any longer. Just sayin'. TF
radigal Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I'm a secondary partner in a polyamorous relationship. He lives across the country with his primary partner and I'm fine with that - well, the partner thing, anyway. The distance kind of sucks; if there's anything I'd change, it would be that. As far as I'm concerned, I'm happy when he's happy, and he's happy with her. Plus we're all friends with each other.
Lizzie60 Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I am like OWoman in her past.. seeing more than one.. and there is no commitment.. if they get attached... they get dumped.. simple as that.
S143K Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 Just wondering if there is anyone like Katherine Hepburn for example that is in a affair and can except the fact that is all it will ever be. Just to be with the one you truly love whenever possible with no expectations. Anyone? Well...yes and no... Ideally - we would be married. We consider each other our true spouses...we are deeply in love and connected on all levels...its only circumstances that keep us from being married on paper as well as in our hearts. Realistically - as I said...we are married in all but paper...the papers have other peoples names on them. Under the current circumstances...and for the unforeseen future...this isnt going to change. For him its a matter of children and culture -- divorce would very likely cost him his children, and culturally would be a very big deal right now -- at least to his parents, that is. For me...just as many complications...my H is much older than I am, and has a physical limitation. Granted...he can manage on his own...life is much easier for him if he doesnt have to. I could and would only leave if I knew he was in a good situation. For now...its not feasible for either of us to leave.....so we are happy and grateful for what we have -- a deep, caring, wonderful love and relationship that we make the very best of that we can. Its not always easy, but we cant imagine not being with each other. So, although its not exactly what we want...we would rather carry on our love and relationship in this form for the next 60 years and be together....than to not be with each other at all. We are together and happily in love and that makes it worth it.
blueberry Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 Just wondering if there is anyone like Katherine Hepburn for example that is in a affair and can except the fact that is all it will ever be. Just to be with the one you truly love whenever possible with no expectations. Anyone? Lizzie.... over to you.
blueberry Posted September 30, 2008 Posted September 30, 2008 I am like OWoman in her past.. seeing more than one.. and there is no commitment.. if they get attached... they get dumped.. simple as that. Forgive me - you beat me to it
Lookingforward Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 Lizzie.... over to you. Lizzie and her MMs aren't exactly hepburn and tracy... I really don't see the connection there
whichwayisup Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 I am like OWoman in her past.. seeing more than one.. and there is no commitment.. if they get attached... they get dumped.. simple as that. Yet you can't seem to dump your younger MM who just became a father. And he has admitted to you that he loves you, it's more than just sex to him.. Hmmm..Either you're addicted to the sex and don't care that it's doing damage to him, or you ARE quietly falling for him.
blinded Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 I am torn as to whether I am ok w/it or not. Things change and I have to admit that I developed feelings for him. I am sure he has sensed it because I can slowly feel him pull away from me. He occasionally says things like, "don't go getting too attached to me". I try not to sound too obsessed and try and keep things casual between us. I'll laugh it off when we're together. It just drives me crazy b/c he used to tell me things about his status w/her freely. Now he's sooo hard to read. I also have slowly tried to pull away from him. I try not to contact him as much. I try and keep myself busy (being here for example). I think it's ok to be in this situation if you're strong willed. I am not. My self esteem is slowly being broken. I sometimes ask myself things like what's wrong w/me? What did I do wrong? Sad but true, it's a situation that I am still willing to stay in--for the time being.
Lizzie60 Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 Yet you can't seem to dump your younger MM who just became a father. And he has admitted to you that he loves you, it's more than just sex to him.. Hmmm..Either you're addicted to the sex and don't care that it's doing damage to him, or you ARE quietly falling for him. No.. no .. not at all.. He loves me.. but is not 'in love' with me... We enjoy each other.. I now know that he will never ever give up sex on the side.. if it's not with me.. it will be with someone else.. so at least, with me, there is no danger for a break-up in his relationship.
NoIDidn't Posted October 1, 2008 Posted October 1, 2008 Hey Dreamy Can you answer your own questions since you have gotten answers from everyone else? It only seems fair.
astrogirl Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 hi there, i think it is really possible to have this situation, to have an affair and know that is all will ever be... i guess what makes it easier in my case is that a long distance seperates us, we see each other twice a year and that's it. He never speaks of his other life, we make the most of what time we have and it is wonderful. I would never try to come between him and his family, i often think of him and how much I love him, and I know that he loves me. That is all I need... x
agate Posted October 3, 2008 Posted October 3, 2008 I am in an A with a wonderfull MM. I have never been happier. I went into the relationship knowing full well that they will not be getting a D for quite some time. That is the best choice for his family at this point, we have actually discussed it together at lenght and I am satisfied with his decision. While I don't like the thought of sharing him, this is the way it is and for now it is worth it to me. He is worth it to me. I do wish I could have all of him sometimes, but as a single mother of 3 I cannot just run off with him whenever I want to either. I get to see him almost everyday, spend several hours a day on the phone with him, and he is there for me emotionally, as I am for him. I realize he could be just useing me, or get tired of me and it will end, however isn't that the risk of entering into ANY relationship? He treats me with respect and I believe he is honest with me. I know that could be stupid of me to think because if he has such an easy time lying to his W what makes me different? I have never been in a relationship that made me even 1/2 as happy as I am with him in my life. I know most people out there probably believe that the right thing to do is to wait to have a relationship with him, to wait untill he has the D papers in his hands, and while I understand that view, I don't share it. No one knows what is to come. What if I had waited to be with him untill the D papers were final but something happened. What if he died for some reason and I had never gotten to share these parts of my life with him, I would have missed out on knowing him, on what a light he has been in my life, and on loving him.
FotoGrl Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 Just wondering if there is anyone like Katherine Hepburn for example that is in a affair and can except the fact that is all it will ever be. Just to be with the one you truly love whenever possible with no expectations.Yup. Perfectly happy to be there. I don't want to be married to him at all. I enjoy the fact that we can share time together and be happy when we're together. Maybe someday I'll want more, but for now I'm very happy with where I am.
KismetGirl Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 I am torn as to whether I am ok w/it or not. Things change and I have to admit that I developed feelings for him. I am sure he has sensed it because I can slowly feel him pull away from me. He occasionally says things like, "don't go getting too attached to me". I try not to sound too obsessed and try and keep things casual between us. I'll laugh it off when we're together. It just drives me crazy b/c he used to tell me things about his status w/her freely. Now he's sooo hard to read. I also have slowly tried to pull away from him. I try not to contact him as much. I try and keep myself busy (being here for example). I think it's ok to be in this situation if you're strong willed. I am not. My self esteem is slowly being broken. I sometimes ask myself things like what's wrong w/me? What did I do wrong? Sad but true, it's a situation that I am still willing to stay in--for the time being. Wow, I just had to read that back because for a second I swear I could have written it. Im the same way. He used to say , before we hooked up, how his marriage was but now he doesnt mention his wife for fear it will bother me and i dont know a good way to bring it up even though i am curious what their marriage is like now. I am strong willed in so many ways....but with this i feel so weak. I want to not feel so miserable but i dont know how to leave. I keep accepting it in hopes that someone else (that is single!) will come along that makes me feel as good as he does when we are together....
Kim666 Posted October 12, 2008 Posted October 12, 2008 I am.....I dated this man before I got married and he was married back then. I am now getting a divorce and have gone back...I like the way our relationship works..we both get what we need and have no expectations of more. I am certainly not interested in carrying our relationship any further then what it is now....it is the way it was when we first hooked up and we were together for 2 years and for those 2 years I was probably the happiest until I listened to other people who thought I needed more ie a man who would be around all the time for me... If you have read any of my other postings you will realize how that worked for me. Now I realize that what I have with this person is more then enough for me and if it would last forever I would be in heaven....for I never want to marry again or live with another man EVER EVER EVER
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