I Feel Like I Threw More Gas On The Fire. Was I Wrong To Do What I Did?

[zazue]

Hi All,

 

If you didn't see my previous post. My husband of 22 years has been seeing another woman for a little over a month. He confessed it to me a week and a half ago when he was drunk. His exact words were "you want to know what's going on? I'm seeing someone and I'm not going to stop."

 

Needless to say, I became very upset and tried to leave our home. He wouldn't let me out the door, ripped my purse off my arm, and anger ensued. Long story short, I agreed to let him stay in our home until he could make other arrangements. I really tried to be civil. I didn't say a word when he left on weekends to stay with the OW. This is the third time in our 22 years that he's "left" for an OW, so even though I made an appointment with an attorney, I thought that maybe we could work it out.

 

He has just turned 50, and has many issue's, but I love him very much, and felt like I owed him some compassion. I tried to act as normal as one can in this situation. I cooked, cleaned, ran our business, just as I have always done. Our son has been home from college for the summer, and I just didn't want this whole mess to cause any more trauma then it already had.

 

Well my husband didn't like the way I was acting. He thought I should be more devastated (My Doc put me on tranquilizers, and they really help me cope with everything. I am devastated, but I cry in private so our son doesn't see me fall apart). My husband started verbally abusing me. He belittled me in front of our son, and tried everything to hurt me even more than I am already hurt. He started demanding to know where I was, and what I was doing when he was spending his weekends with the OW. I just tried to placate him. I'm a singer, and I was with our couple friends, singing. That made him even more angry. He thinks I should be sitting at home, wallering in my grief. I just can't do anything right in his eyes.

 

Okay, sorry this is so long, but here's what happened last night. He got drunk and went to bed around 9:00pm, after verbally abusing me for making fried chicken for dinner. "How come you never made fried chicken for me more before you made me cheat" blah, blah, blah. Like my fried chicken is some magic please don't leave me potion.

 

My son and I were watching a video and all of the sudden my husband comes raging out of the bedroom, screaming that we are money draining *******s who drove him into the arms of another woman. All we want is to drain his money in a divorce, and on , and on. He wouldnt stop. So..

 

I called his girlfriend. I have never called her before, but I wanted her to hear him in his full on drunken abusive diatribe. She was shocked at what she heard, but was still standing by her man. So I told her about his three dui arrests in the last 9 years, and that the last dui was because he ran off the road and snapped a telephone pole in half. He did six months in jail for that with work release, and who picked him up everyday? STUPID ME! I told her about his latest brush with the law, driving on a suspended license in the first degree, and no interlock device. That cost us our family car. I told her that last October he beat our son in a motel room while my son was helping him work out of town, and let the cops arrest our son, because he was sitting on top of his father, trying to restrain him when the cops showed up. There was also weed all over the table in the room (yeah, I found out my husband is smoking weed now), and the cops charged my son for possession. My son told the cops to test his blood for weed, because he had never smoked it in his life, they did, all charges were dropped, but my son spent two days in jail because of it.

 

Man, reading all this back makes me feel like such an idiot. I started this thread to ask if I was wrong to call his girlfriend, then my fingers, and heart couldn't stop. I know I need to leave him in the dust and move on, but I am so depressed. I think I am still holding on to some dream of what I want my life to be. Help me see what a stupid doormat I am.

[stillafool]

Hun, this guy will not change. He is too old to change now. I would pack his stuff and send him over to his girlfriend's house and let her put up with his abuse. You may not realize this but you will be much happier without this man. You have been with him so long and taken so much abuse that you feel this is normal and it is not. I can't give you any positive reasons to try to work it out with this man.

[zazue]

I know you are right. He is gone now to his girlfriend, and I don't want him to come back, but even after all these years of abuse, I still love him. I know it will take time to stop my loving feelings, but it hurts me so deep into my soul, and the worst part of it all is how badly it hurts my son. Thank you for your kind words.

[Kasan]

Of course it hurts deep in your soul, because I don't believe he was like this in the beginning, or you wouldn't have married him.

 

I am sure that you gave the marriage your all........stood by him during the first affair and the DUIs.

 

But there comes a time that you need to stand up for yourself and your son and stop enabling his sh*tty behavior.

 

It sounds like you have been through h*ll and back with him and guess what? You are still standing. The worst has happened and the world hasn't ended.

 

Make your plans, talk to an attorney, take your son and get out! Don't waste another moment trying to fix, placate, or please this man!!!

 

You gave him the best that you had and it wasn't enough for him!! He doesn't deserve your best anymore!!!

 

Keep strong, you will be alright!!!!

[Billy Bob]

Use this as an opportunity to get out of a bad situation.. you are being a doormat. Go and have a great future with someone else, who appreciates you and treats you right.

 

Every extra minute you waste with him is a minute you could be using to start a new life.

[Karma101]

3 DUIs? Verbally abusive, aggressive drunk? Sounds like he has a problem. A serious problem. I spent 11 years married to a raging alcoholic. He nearly destroyed me. He also cheated on me. After I w/d money from my 401k to send him to yet another rehab, he ran off with some pill popping skank that he met in "therapy".

 

It's hard. It's beyond scary. It will only get worse. I feel for you. Get out. Let her have him. I'm sure you love him, but you are also highly codependent. It's a destructive cycle. "Codependent No More" is a great book. Don't mean to sound harsh, I'm just very passionate about this situation, especially when children are involved.

 

Get some emotional support and leave. For YOU. For your SON.

[You'reasian]

Sweet Jesus!

 

I am thankfull for being single with no kids

[Moose]

Wow....major flash backs for me.....I was your husband.....(cept' the cheatin' part).....

 

He actually sound three times worse than I was though....I agree, pitch him to the curb and cause him to hit TOTAL rock bottom. Get a restraining order while you're at it, and break ALL communication OFF from him.....

 

Maybe he'll come around, maybe not....

[zazue]

I am co-dependent, but no more. When we were first married, he also beat me. He's been arrested for that two times. He stopped for years, but started again about a year and a half ago. It happened two times. First time was when my band's CD came out, and as I was sitting at my computer listening to the tracks to see if I approved of the mix, he came up behind me and socked me in the back of my head. He was drunk, couldn't remember doing it the next morning, and swore I must have fell off my computer chair (I know stupid me, but I am disabled, can't work, and was afraid to lose my only means of support, aside from my $683.00 disability payments each month). I let it slide, thinking it was a one time slip up. Then last September we were on a cruise with two other couple friends. We had a penthouse suite at the back of the boat. He got drunk, gave me a black eye, and tried to drag me to our balcony to throw me off the boat. God, as I write this I feel like such a fool. The next day he told me I fell down in the bathroom, and that's why my eye was black. He told our friends the same thing. The really horrible part is that I stayed with him after that from fear. He actually convinced himself that I really hurt myself falling in the bathroom. I feel like such a stupid, scared idiot for putting up with all this, but I was so afraid. I really want to thank you all for your help. Just the act of writing this all down, and reading all your replies makes me feel stronger.

[tinktronik]

I know you are right. He is gone now to his girlfriend, and I don't want him to come back, but even after all these years of abuse, I still love him. I know it will take time to stop my loving feelings, but it hurts me so deep into my soul, and the worst part of it all is how badly it hurts my son. Thank you for your kind words.

 

Honey , I had one of these for years. The best thing you can do for your own sanity, your H, and your child is to call a locksmith right now and have him locked out. file for the D, be honest with your attorney about your relationship and what has gone on and when your attorney goes for the throat support him/her and let them be your shield. Please please please do this for you.

I know. Things are so much better just give it a year, you will see.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Good grief and God bless. Read up on victims of emotional and physical abuse and their responses. Sure you love him... it's our nature not to abandon a spouse we know is "sick". You can't save him though.

 

I'm so sorry for what you two have been through. I know its wrong to wish something bad on other people but little Miss OW is going to find out quickly what she's been missing. I would hand him over on a silver platter!

 

I'm glad you are posting here. It's amazing how something can seem so confusing until you read your own words. It has been said time and time again here.

 

What ever you do make SURE your attorney files a restraining order.

 

Good Luck and keep posting. IWWH

[quankanne]

You can't save him though.

 

no truer words can be spoken, Zazue – it's one thing to love someone and want to help them heal, but another to put yourself in harm's way. Because it really doesn't sound like your spouse wants to do anything TO help heal himself, and you're merely along for the long, hellacious ride.

 

as hard as it it, you've GOT to walk away – you may not think you're capable of doing things on your own, but you have your son to think of. Even if he is an adult – or close to it – he needs one healthy, sane, LIVING parent to be in a relationship with. Most of all, you deserve better than what your husband is capable of giving you. Love and marriage doesn't give someone carte blanche to ruin your life, honey, and sometimes you've GOT to do the hard thing by walking away from someone you love if he's emotionally, mentally and physically killing you a little more each day.

[Mr. Lucky]

He got drunk, gave me a black eye, and tried to drag me to our balcony to throw me off the boat.

Well, that got my attention. Your H tried to murder you? He sounds mentally ill and a danger to everyone around him. I hope you find the strength to get out while you can...

 

Mr. Lucky

[zazue]

This forum, and everyone who has taken the time to read my story and have replied, have been a Godsend to me. I am very greatful to you all.

 

This is such an emotionally hard time, and all of the advice and encouragement that I have found here has really helped me. I am starting to see that I have been living the life of an emotionally, and physically battered spouse. I just can't live this way anymore. Everyday, each word I read here, and all the things I have heard from my STBX's friends. Terrible lies he has told them about me, before I even kicked him out, all of this has made me stronger. I know my STBX wanted it to make me weaker, and not letting these things beat me down, have made me feel enpowered. Thanks to you all.