Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 I think the worse thing from an A with a MM is the blow to your self-esteem. While the A is going, the MM says all the right things - how beautiful you are, how smart you are, how many things you have in common, etc. Then, MM just drops you and walks away from it all. It hurts like hell. I've been trying so hard to stay busy every second of each day that I am physically exhausted!! But, you've got to put the brakes on the spiral downward. MM is really not worth it. Is he worth the loss of your job? Your self-worth? NO! I hate to see you "hoping" that you will hear back from him. You are allowing MM to direct and control your life. Take back the reins and control your own life. You are worth it. Exactly and you are forever trying to figure out WHY they just dropped you like a hot brick. Was it something you did or said to upset them last time you met? Did you not look pretty enough last time you met? Is he REALLY turning over a new leaf & working on the M? It makes no sense does it?! Spinning, what do you fill your day with to take your mind off your situation apart from working?
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 Given that...what steps can you take to PREVENT him from contacting you? Changed email address/phone numbers/IM ID's? If you know you're weak...take steps to protect yourself accordingly! Well I have not done any of the above...however I plan to move to a new town within the next few months so I wont be able to see him! I just cannot take all the reminders of him here & the constant fear of going to the mall or even just the grocery store in case I bump into him. I think a fresh start may do me the world of good.
whichwayisup Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 But I know he is definately not happy in his marriage so it may be only a matter of time before MM or W decide to go their seperate ways. He has told you this, but you don't know for sure this is true. He's happy enough that he isn't leaving. With 4 kids, it won't be a matter of time before they split up..It won't happen. But that probably wont be for YEARS even if it does happen - I think they are still together mainly for the sake of their 4 kids, the youngest being 4. And they have all just had the upheaval of moving to this area so perhaps they will work on it... No offense but realistically this is it - You had an affair with him, you're younger, you made him feel wonderful, and young again. Woke up feelings that he may not have felt in years - That crush-like feeling. The problem is, all those feelings he has felt with you cannot be compared to the life he has with his wife. His lover, his supporter, his wife, his friend - Mother of his children. They have a long history together, families entwined, a life built up. I'm not sure how you can compare what you share with him and hope he gives all that up for you. That's alot to throw away for the unknown. You deserve more than just being his booty call on his terms. If he calls you, don't settle to be his OW, let alone his side-dish for afew hours before heading back home to his wife and kids. You're young and have so much to live for - Not wait around for some 48 year old MM with 4 kids! He isn't going to leave them, but he'll certainly be open to continuing an affair with you if you allow it. Say no.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 He has told you this, but you don't know for sure this is true. He's happy enough that he isn't leaving. With 4 kids, it won't be a matter of time before they split up..It won't happen. No offense but realistically this is it - You had an affair with him, you're younger, you made him feel wonderful, and young again. Woke up feelings that he may not have felt in years - That crush-like feeling. The problem is, all those feelings he has felt with you cannot be compared to the life he has with his wife. His lover, his supporter, his wife, his friend - Mother of his children. They have a long history together, families entwined, a life built up. I'm not sure how you can compare what you share with him and hope he gives all that up for you. That's alot to throw away for the unknown. You deserve more than just being his booty call on his terms. If he calls you, don't settle to be his OW, let alone his side-dish for afew hours before heading back home to his wife and kids. You're young and have so much to live for - Not wait around for some 48 year old MM with 4 kids! He isn't going to leave them, but he'll certainly be open to continuing an affair with you if you allow it. Say no. I do realize they have 20 years of history built up together but remember we were roommates for over 1 year so I do get the picture he definately was not THAT happy, neither was his wife. When we became physical I did ask him if we had a future & thats when he said he did not love W anymore but that its 'complicated' & hes staying for his kids. He also mentioned that his W did something awful & marriage threatening 7 years ago - I begged him to tell me what it was but he wouldnt. I love him so much, I would like to be all of those things his W is to him, and in the unlikely event he did leave I would be very happy to be a stepmom to those 4 kids & love them like my own. I really am that serious about him. I know most do not but occasionally SOME DO leave their W to be with OW. So it could happen. But you are right that I should not put my life on hold waiting. I will try & carry on as usual & if he comes to me later on & I still want him at that point then... But I think it is very cowardly of him though - to stay in an unhappy situation for fear of the unknown. I think life is about taking chances.
wildsoul Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 (((hugs))) I know it's really hard, but you need to believe what he said: he isn't leaving. There is nothing TO wait for. He isn't leaving. Repeat that in your head until the denial starts to break. You've made progress here before, but it seems you're stalling at going to the next level of break through. I remember the vulnerabilities you've had that made you more open to being in an A than you otherwise would have. Tough year. Difficult situations. Not feeling good about yourself. I want to suggest that if you're not working on those issues without him, you might still feel that you desperately need him. Make some friends. Take up a new hobby. Apply yourself at work. Fill up those holes in your soul, girl.
whichwayisup Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 I do realize they have 20 years of history built up together but remember we were roommates for over 1 year so I do get the picture he definately was not THAT happy, neither was his wife. Yet he is still with her...Has it occured to you that he LIED and EXAGGERATED the issues/problems in his marriage to suit him? 1 year of being his roommate doesn't compare to 20+ years. Sorry, but you don't know him as well as his wife knows him. Sure, on an intimate level you know him, but you also only know what he's told you - Reguardless of him or her not being happy, they obviously are trying to work it out for the sake of their children. That bond is strong and if they both want their marriage to improve FOR the sake of the kids, well, that is what's going to happen, like it or not. But I think it is very cowardly of him though - to stay in an unhappy situation for fear of the unknown. I think life is about taking chances. Not when you have 4 kids and have been married for 20 years. He is making the right choice, for himself, his kids and his wife. People don't just up and leave, dump their obligations because they're not 'happy-happy' all of the time. He never did tell you anything, just that it was "complicated".. Nor did he tell you what his wife did 7 years ago. HE obviously feels strongly about that and it's good he didn't tell you about his wife's personal life. If he didn't care about her or love her, don't you think he would have told you about it?? Think about that for a second.. Have you gone to counselling to help you cope with this stuff?
dylanatalanta Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Heartbroken YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC!!! That is so sad to read, I've been there, had those feelings amongst others. You're 26, you're still a baby, go have some fun (I know easier said than done). There is some sexy, single man out there waiting to spoil you, please don't let this MM let you feel like this about yourself, just get angry & keep posting here. It will get better in time - just hold on to that.
Spinning Head Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Heartbroken - The first thing I did was get a Rx for ambien so I could sleep at night. I could not sleep at night and was so tired that I could not function the next day. No doubt that my work suffered - I have been in turmoil over the A for three weeks now. I basically stopped working so I've got to get back on track for work. I keep either the radio or tv or a movie playing so I hear voices and noise all the time. I own my own company and have taken employees out to eat lunch so I am not alone. I've contacted friends and family members that I have spoken to in some time and arranged visits with them. Again, trying to avoid being alone which causes my mind to drift to MM and the A. I've done yard work, gone to museums, read books, and read posts on this site over and over and over, cleaned my house. I've spent a great deal of time wondering about the end of the A. I don't think you (or I) did anything to cause the A to end. Obviously, the A fulfilled a need in me - I think that was that someone made me feel special, desired, etc. HB - I truly felt that I knew xMM. I know as you read my post you think your situation is different. I don't think your situation is any different from my experience. Your MM lived two lives for a period of time and no matter what he told you about his M, it is not bad enough for him to leave the M. You can tell him all you want about how good change is (I did this to my xMM), he is NOT going to make that change. I hope your meeting at work goes well today. You need to take back control over your life and move forward.
Owl Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Well I have not done any of the above...however I plan to move to a new town within the next few months so I wont be able to see him! I just cannot take all the reminders of him here & the constant fear of going to the mall or even just the grocery store in case I bump into him. I think a fresh start may do me the world of good. Why wait until then to take control back of your own life????? Why NOT do these things now? Why leave yourself open to all of this???? YOU have the power to control what happens in your life...but as long as you refuse to USE that power, you're going to remain at his beck and call...whenever he gets the whim to come by for a quickie...you're it. Is that REALLY how you want to live? If not...then why don't you DO something about it rather than just sit there and feel bad?
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 Why wait until then to take control back of your own life????? Why NOT do these things now? Why leave yourself open to all of this???? YOU have the power to control what happens in your life...but as long as you refuse to USE that power, you're going to remain at his beck and call...whenever he gets the whim to come by for a quickie...you're it. Is that REALLY how you want to live? If not...then why don't you DO something about it rather than just sit there and feel bad? I WILL move away from this area as soon as I can, it will be a big upheaval but worth it to be away from all this. I know this may sound silly & you may not understand why I would not want to change my cell number and email address BUT... Im hoping he DOES call again. So I can have the satisfaction of telling him some home truths & that Im moving away from here, moving on from him.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 I hope your meeting at work goes well today. You need to take back control over your life and move forward. Hey Spinning thank you for sharing with me how you helped yourself move on & distract yourself. I will take your advice & occupy my mind with something I enjoy evenings & weekends. It has been hard though cos Ive been so down about him Ive found I had no motivation to pick myself up & the things I once enjoyed doing were not enjoyable anymore. The meeting went OK at work today thanks. Boss has given me a written warning about my personal probs affecting my performance though & I have to really improve by end of Sept or will get FINAL written warning & fired. I do plan to move away from this area very soon though as I cannot bear all the memories etc but until I do it would be nice to know my job is secure until Im ready to leave rather than be fired & forced to leave before Im ready. Hopefully I will then leave on good terms.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted September 12, 2008 Author Posted September 12, 2008 no.. you are not pathetic.. I'm in a similar situation with you.. I live in my area by myself.. doesn't know many people so I understand how hard it must be for you.. especially during weekend/holiday! I just been though that (crying/sleeping..). and my xMM was my friend that I can talk to about music.. telling him my days.. all the little things in my life. Currently I'm in consoling.. One thing my therapist told me is my relationship with my xMM more like with a same age girlfriend. And that is something lacking in my life right now.. I think if we have same age girlfriends around us that will make the process easier. For me right now I'm learning how to reach out a bit more.. and I just recently went on a vacation to visit my friend in other city.. and that make me feel better. And I know the part about what you can't focus at work.. I'm facing the same thing.. but getting better and better. I think if you can.. maybe you should consider consoling as well.. it really does help for me. Me and my therapist come out some strategies on helping me not thinking about him so much and she also help me to see/face myself and my feelings. Also help me to see what kind of person my xMM really is. So hang in there and don't jump into those dating site so fast yet.. since we are not 100% over on our previous relationship yet. Instated try to make some friends! Now I get more involve/interactions with my co-workers it help. And if you miss to have someone to talk about music or what happen to you today.. how about if we talk in here? I just wish we can use private message.. so it will make it easier! Sounds like you are in a similar sitution to me - yours must have been even harder though as you were seeing your MM for 6 years. But we are both in an area where we dont know many people & MM became our best friends. I will seriously consider counselling, I think it may help me. Once you become an established member you can send private messages, but I dont know what the deciding factor is for that; the LENGTH of time you have been a member OR the AMOUNT of posts you have made on LS? Would be nice to chat sometime though, do you have an email address you can disclose?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Why not check out becoming a supporting member. You get PM privilages automatically that way and it is surprisingly inexpensive! Plus none of the adds or delays! Check it out. Sounds like you two could help each other through a tough time. Good Luck.
Owl Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 I WILL move away from this area as soon as I can, it will be a big upheaval but worth it to be away from all this. I know this may sound silly & you may not understand why I would not want to change my cell number and email address BUT... Im hoping he DOES call again. So I can have the satisfaction of telling him some home truths & that Im moving away from here, moving on from him. This is still just prolonging the affair, and the drama and excitment that go with it. Look at how wonderfully this same tactic is working for the other poster on the forum who's MM contacted her and she's following the same tactic you're suggesting...but she's getting drug right back into the mud with him. Obviously its up to you. But I'd suggest you sit down and go through your motivations very, very hard before you do anything further. Really think about WHY you're going to do what...don't kid yourself, don't sugar coat anything in your mind...really truly let yourself see WHY you're still willing to leave the door open for him.
whichwayisup Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Im hoping he DOES call again. So I can have the satisfaction of telling him some home truths & that Im moving away from here, moving on from him. But wouldn't it be even better if he tried to contact you and couldn't find you? Email, calls, dropping by - You wouldn't be there.. Forget the ego part of this and getting satisfaction out of telling him off. Silence is golden and it says alot.
Soaked Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Sounds like you are in a similar sitution to me - yours must have been even harder though as you were seeing your MM for 6 years. But we are both in an area where we dont know many people & MM became our best friends. I will seriously consider counselling, I think it may help me. Once you become an established member you can send private messages, but I dont know what the deciding factor is for that; the LENGTH of time you have been a member OR the AMOUNT of posts you have made on LS? Would be nice to chat sometime though, do you have an email address you can disclose? I hope you are feeling better today. Yes, I do here is my email: [email protected] Yeah.. try the counseling it really help. ;-) It was very hard for me and I have so many ups and downs... but lately I'm doing better. I'm trying to reach out more.. I actually made some new friends lately.. which is a good start. ;-) Ironically I realized without my xMM, I don't need to worry about going out and miss his phone calls or mails or whatever.. and now I enjoy going out more and just do things!
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted September 12, 2008 Author Posted September 12, 2008 (((hugs))) I know it's really hard, but you need to believe what he said: he isn't leaving. There is nothing TO wait for. He isn't leaving. Repeat that in your head until the denial starts to break. You've made progress here before, but it seems you're stalling at going to the next level of break through. I remember the vulnerabilities you've had that made you more open to being in an A than you otherwise would have. Tough year. Difficult situations. Not feeling good about yourself. I want to suggest that if you're not working on those issues without him, you might still feel that you desperately need him. Make some friends. Take up a new hobby. Apply yourself at work. Fill up those holes in your soul, girl. Thank you so much WS - really needed the hug Fill up those holes in your soul, girl. You are so right! It is hard, but you hit the nail on the head when you said I have not been working on my personal issues without him here keeping me company/giving me advice etc. I need to do other things to heal myself & make me happy without him. Soooo difficult though as I feel hes my soulmate & that Ive suffered a terrible loss. We really were that close, its rare I get on with someone as well as we did (he actually said that to me as well so its true). But I need to act as though he aint coming back & 'fill the holes in my soul'. Then if he does come to me again hopefully I will be strong enough to say NO. Not sure if you read in any of my above posts but I plan to move to a new town soon for a fresh start away from all the reminders. So I do want to help myself - its just too painful here now. As well as the memories I have the constant worry of seeing him around when I least expect...like bumping into him and or W in the mall or something. Dont think I could handle it. Have to go past his street on the way to work every day as well which makes me feel horrible & panicky. Cannot live like this much longer so need to move away.
smile711 Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 heartbroken- I sympathize with your situation so much it hurts! I too am caught in the middle of not wanting him to call (20 days NC!) and sometimes feeling like I won't make it through the day unless he does. I recently told a friend that I want him to call so that I have a chance to reject him (since many people have said to prepare myself for the chance that he might try to come back...again). My friend said that if karma gives me that chance, it won't be till I'm strong enough to turn my back on him. And though I have come a long way in the past month, I know that I am not at the point where I'm 100% sure I would say no. So, like you, I'm trying to live life like he's never coming back-like he doesn't even exist. If God chooses to bring him back into my life again, I will try to figure out some answers then. My thoughts are with you-this has really been the most miserable, gut-wrenching experience of my life! Hang in there!
Green Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 r u hot? cause i'll be really made if some 48 yr old was getting a hot 26 yr old... and what area do u live in, u sound so vulnerable with the not having friends in the area thing hmmm
beautifullove Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 Hey there, You will get through it, but it will take some work on your part. You will have to focus on the negative aspects of the relationship, for instance the fact that he was M, the fact that his W would somehow affect your relationship in some way, shape or form. Think of whatever negative things you can, because when you think of the good it's hard to let go, to believe you WILL find another who will make you feel that good and much more. I know it's hard right now, trust me I thought I was going insane at times. I was in despair at the thought of my loss, my experience, and the thought of how I was going to get through it all. You should take one day at a time. I suspect OWL was referring to me when making reference to your plan of action, about being able to reject him. That's where I was yesterday. (Trust me when I say this OWL - I'm not going back Brownies promise, lol). I could never go through this again. I must say, he called me today, and I didn't take his call - so I get to reject him by not taking his calls. This will probably happen to you too, but just don't wait for it. I did, and as a result, I can't really tell where the last two months went to. I have made some major changes like moving, etc. But I will get there, and so will you. Just take it one day at a time.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted September 13, 2008 Author Posted September 13, 2008 r u hot? cause i'll be really made if some 48 yr old was getting a hot 26 yr old... and what area do u live in, u sound so vulnerable with the not having friends in the area thing hmmm Well take a look at the picture album on my profile & tell me what you think! But the 48 year old MM is hot...IMO!
Lucky_One Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 Well take a look at the picture album on my profile & tell me what you think! But the 48 year old MM is hot...IMO! You went and added pictures today so that this ******* can look at you? I can only hope that he was being sarcastic about you sounding lonely and vulnerable - if not, then he sounds like the sort of jerk who tries hanging around message boards to PM lonely vulnerable women with low self esteem so they can hook up with them for some easy sex.
Author xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted September 13, 2008 Author Posted September 13, 2008 You went and added pictures today so that this ******* can look at you? I can only hope that he was being sarcastic about you sounding lonely and vulnerable - if not, then he sounds like the sort of jerk who tries hanging around message boards to PM lonely vulnerable women with low self esteem so they can hook up with them for some easy sex. DONT WORRY IM NOT THAT STUPID!!! Was thinking of putting pics on here for sometime anyway but its a private album so only my contacts can see them!
Green Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 Well take a look at the picture album on my profile & tell me what you think! But the 48 year old MM is hot...IMO! 48 year old women don't look hot to me... and u don't have a profile pic... but I would sugest in the future you trust yourself more... that way it will be easier to trust more people then just one guy... and you won't feel so bad if something like this does end up happening again (got that from some other post_
Recommended Posts