Really Need Some Support Today

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

History: Im 26 & got involved with a MM of 48, he was a roommate for over a year as he was working away from home & needed a place to stay during weekdays in this area. He moved out of the house at the end of June this year because W&K moved up here to be with him which broke my heart. It was mainly an EA for most of the year then when he gave a months notice to our landlord in May things got physical, we did everything apart from penetration.

 

Since he moved out Ive only heard from him twice even though he did say he would keep in regular contact with me, didnt love W anymore (although did say he didnt love me either) & was only staying for the K & would *possibly* consider leaving but that he didnt know what the future held. First visit from him was to give me the keys back & promised he would call then didnt. He then called out of the blue 5 weeks later & came round to the house & tried to have sex with me - as much as I wanted to I still didnt. That was now 6 weeks ago & Im STILL waiting to hear something from him after him promising he would call a couple of days after the liason.

 

I just cant take anymore, Im extremely depressed & cant cope. I feel Ive lost my soulmate, Ive never loved anyone this much. I dont really have any friends in this area & I spend evenings & weekends on my own just crying/sleeping/daydreaming about MM. As well as having to cope with the terrible loss of him going and the possibility that he may have just been using me etc Ive had to deal with him leaving me out in the cold & doing a disappearing act on me. It has been affecting every area of my life - I can barely leave the house for fear of bumping into him. Hate going shopping 'just in case' and my route to work involves the bus going past where he lives which makes me feel panicky - have seen his car drive past the bus a couple of times which is horrid.

 

Just dont seem to be able to move on from this. Im clinging onto the hope that perhaps he misses me loads too & will realize how much I mean to him. I know alot of you have said in previous posts that you think he groomed & used me. I believe this is true to some extent but we got on so well, spent so much time hanging out, chatting, having a laugh - I do not believe such a strong friendship/connection with someone can be faked. He must have genuinely liked me even though he did try to use me for sex as well.

 

Today has been a particularly bad day, my boss called me in her office & said she has noticed my standards have gone down the drain again (this also happened when MM first moved out & she warned me about my performance at work but I managed to turn things around for a short while) & she regrets taking me on permanent & paying me a good salary yet Im not producing results. I have found it hard to concentrate in work with all this in my thoughts constantly but her telling me that has made me feel even worse, if thats possible. She knows the situation & today made me feel so small by saying 'hes a MM so you cant have him - move on, you sound like a little girl with an infatuation'. Like the love I feel for him aint real. She made me cry loads & Im still crying as I write this. Anyway she said she will have another talk with me tomorrow to let me know what she is going to do with me. I feel terrible my work is suffering & Im letting her company down.

 

I know some of you will probably be thinking how pathetic I am, that I should have moved on & forgotten him. But it just aint that simple. I have gone out clubbing occasionally since it happened, tried online dating site but didnt like anyone who emailed me & it felt unnatural, I just want MM. Because I love him & I feel there is a magic soulmate connection between us. The chemistry was incredible, we had lots of 'in' jokes, we shared the same music taste, just generally had loads in common. I dont think the age gap mattered.

 

I miss having someone to eat dinner with, listen to music with, talk to about my day etc. Sometimes something will happen & I think - 'Id really like to tell MM about that - I know he would agree with me/offer good advice/find it interesting/funny or whatever...then I realize hes not there...and probably never coming back

[whichwayisup]

Sorry you're having a bad day - I hope you feel better soon.

 

Hate to say this, but the sooner you accept that the MM isn't coming back, the faster you can heal yourself. Having hopes and fantasizes is preventing you from healing properly, and as you said, it's affecting your work performance. If anything, work should be your escape! Focus really hard on your job, and the thoughts of MM won't enter your mind. Take control and don't let your mind and emotions get in the way. You can do this!!

 

You don't have to go and date people, you're not ready for that.

 

'hes a MM so you cant have him - move on, you sound like a little girl with an infatuation'

 

I'm sure that hurt, but I hate to say it, but maybe you needed to hear that. She's trying to snap you out of it! Bottomline, that is the situation. Yes, you love him, but he IS a married man and isn't leaving his wife. Pining for him is only making you feel worse.

 

It's OK to grieve, to miss him, but to not try to push the thoughts away, keep as busy as possible, isn't good. To hope isn't good because his non-action IS telling you he isn't coming back. I don't want to hurt your feelings, so I hope me saying this isn't being taken out of context...It's just you're doing a number on yourself now and it doesn't serve any purpose at all, except to make yourself feel worse and keep you down and out.

[Lucky_One]

I think you need to advertise for another roommate. ASAP.

 

Write your boss an email apologizing for your work performance and come up with specifics on how that will improve starting tomorrow. Do not write this on your own - do a first draft, and then bring it here for comments and edits. You are going to find yourself without a job, and this is not the economy to be without employment.

 

I'm sorry that you are hurting, and I am thankful beyond belief that you didn't have sex with him in the false belief that your body would take him past some imaginary line where he would choose you. Otherwise, you would be in even worse shape.

 

He's an assh**e and a user, and personally I would like to knock him in the nuts. With pliers.

[jj33]

Hang in there. You are not pathetic. You trusted this man and he abused your trust. Yes he was married but it sounds like he played a lot of unnecessary mind games along the way. And its left your self esteem in tatters.

 

Your boss knows . Which means that you now need to put on a brave face at work. Its hard but sometimes throwing yourself into a project can help you not think about him.

 

You are 28 you have your whole life ahead of you. He is doing you a great favor by not coming back. Then you can meet someone new who is free to be with you rather than spending more time with someone who has no real plan to build a future with you.

 

I am sure he cared about you, loved you deeply. Some people cope by looking back on the good times and feeling like they had something special but it didnt work out. Others cope by looking back and saying it was a nightmare glad that is over. I think overall except in those rare cases where it works out, where the OW has fallen deeply in love and the MM has not behaved really badly (and yes I think it is possible for someone to behave honorably in an affair) its hard to reconcile.

 

But dont blame yourself. If you had a crystal ball you would not have taken this path. But its over now. All the hurt and pain that you experienced while it was going on is behind you. Now you just need to forgive yourself and put the pain of the separation behind you. It may take time but you can do it.

[2sure]

You arent pathetic at all. It sounds like you are lonely. It is not uncommon or pathetic to want companionship. Before MM, what kind of relationships did you have with men? Is it possible this was your first real taste of domestic life with a man?

 

This man sounds like he also sincerely enjoyed your company, but he is not interested in leaving his marriage or compromising it further. He is not yours.

 

Maybe this experience was to teach you what you want in a relationship.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Hate to say this, but the sooner you accept that the MM isn't coming back, the faster you can heal yourself. Having hopes and fantasizes is preventing you from healing properly, and as you said, it's affecting your work performance. If anything, work should be your escape! Focus really hard on your job, and the thoughts of MM won't enter your mind. Take control and don't let your mind and emotions get in the way. You can do this!!

 

You don't have to go and date people, you're not ready for that.

 

I'm sure that hurt, but I hate to say it, but maybe you needed to hear that. She's trying to snap you out of it! Bottomline, that is the situation. Yes, you love him, but he IS a married man and isn't leaving his wife. Pining for him is only making you feel worse.

 

It's OK to grieve, to miss him, but to not try to push the thoughts away, keep as busy as possible, isn't good. To hope isn't good because his non-action IS telling you he isn't coming back. I don't want to hurt your feelings, so I hope me saying this isn't being taken out of context...It's just you're doing a number on yourself now and it doesn't serve any purpose at all, except to make yourself feel worse and keep you down and out.

 

Thanks. But I have never felt so intense about someone, I really do feel like Ive lost my soulmate which is why I hope maybe he will realize & perhaps come back or at least get in touch. Im sure I will hear from him again I just dont know when. I know he aint happy with the W so surely there is only so much he can take before he does leave in the end? Not for me but for his own reasons.

 

I think my boss was very harsh with what she said - she is a realist seeing things in black & white, she does not know all the fine details of my situation.

 

But you are right - I dont help myself by trying to keep busy or forget him. Just dont have the motivation to do anything (which is not entirely my fault - I am lonely in this area), I think I have become very depressed.

[Meaplus3]

I'm really sorry your having a bad day. First of all you are in NO way pathetic. Your hurting, lonely and feeling the loss of someone who means so much to you. Now.. in order for you to move on, you must not cling to false hope. This man is married and not for the taking. You really need to accept that fact and see it for what it truely is. IMO.. your boss was simply trying to save you from further heartache. I know this is tough, but if you can break away now.. it will be musch easier in the long run. Hang in there.

 

AP:)

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I think you need to advertise for another roommate. ASAP.

 

Write your boss an email apologizing for your work performance and come up with specifics on how that will improve starting tomorrow. Do not write this on your own - do a first draft, and then bring it here for comments and edits. You are going to find yourself without a job, and this is not the economy to be without employment.

 

I'm sorry that you are hurting, and I am thankful beyond belief that you didn't have sex with him in the false belief that your body would take him past some imaginary line where he would choose you. Otherwise, you would be in even worse shape.

 

He's an assh**e and a user, and personally I would like to knock him in the nuts. With pliers.

 

The rooms in the house were filled straight away by our landlord so there are other people living here but with their own lives to lead, Ive been out clubbing with them a few times but thats as far as it goes really.

 

Perhaps I will write my boss an email. If not we are meeting again tomorrow to discuss things further. She may have decided she wants to get rid of me period.

[Final Girl]

Heartbroken, I've been where you are. There is no pain like it. Lean on your friends, the peeps here, cry, shout, go for mad long walks...take every day as a brand new day...take time to yourself, to find peace - go to a Church, a Mosque, a Synagogue, a field for goodness sake - wherever is special to you. Just enjoy being there. Learn to love your own company. Laugh a LOT!! At rubbish lol...and get out and talk to people as well.

 

Fill your life with only good things...married men are not good.

[Final Girl]

As for your boss...you have got to form a plan of action. Devise a work plan for one month - all the action points listed, how you will achieve them, and the benefits they will bring to your company. If you give yourself one month to turn it around, and you have that deadline in your mind, you can do it!!! Put it on paper and PROVE you can do it!!

[Spinning Head]

Heartbroken - I know EXACTLY how you feel. I thought my xMM was the best thing since sliced bread. In fact, I was going cleaning off my desk today and came across the documents MM gave me from his attorney to review. There was even a letter from MM to his attorney that MM wanted to move out of the house immediately and MM realized that moving out may hurt his case but he wanted to do so anyway. That letter was sent in June. Look where I am at now!!

 

Your MM will not leave his W. I realize you think MM is your soulmate - but, he is not. You have to accept that fact. My MM claimed he loved me more than anyone else, etc. I sent an e-mail to him two days ago seeking closure and he has not responded.

 

I know you are distraught. But, MM is not worth losing your job and self-esteem over.

 

WildSoul suggested the book "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person". I just got a copy today. I've already read the first chapter. You need to get this book. You will see yourself in it.

 

Hang in there!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

jj33 - Thank you for the kind post, but moving on is VERY difficult, I believe he will contact me again though at some point as he did so after 5 weeks of NC before. Its all this not knowing if or when the next call is coming.

 

I think the damage may have been done at work, it may be too late to repair it...

 

2sure - I am lonely here, do have lots of friends but most of them are 3 hours drive away so hardly see them!

 

Before living with MM in a roommate situation I had lived with a guy & been engaged to him but we had nothing in common & he turned abusive once I moved in with him - in fact hes the reason I originally moved to this area on my own! But decided to stay in this town after we split & I moved in to a room in a house with 4 others. Then 1 moved out...and in came MM!

 

Apart from that xBF no one else really so not that experianced. Its because Im very fussy, but MM & I had loads in common, had chemistry & clicked immediately.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Meplus3 - thank you for your kind words

 

 

 

Spinning - your situation is one of the worst Ive seen on here, even when MM look like they are about to REALLY leave they seldom follow through. It is shocking the lies they tell & you must be very very confused - I have made post on your threads, need to take my own advice

 

How is today treating you?

 

I will get that book, there must be a reason people get an addiction to a certain person.

[Final Girl]

It's NEVER too late!! You'll get where you want to be. You'll see!!! :)

 

You need plans of action!!! Show your boss how wrong she is!!!

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Heartbroken, I've been where you are. There is no pain like it. Lean on your friends, the peeps here, cry, shout, go for mad long walks...take every day as a brand new day...take time to yourself, to find peace - go to a Church, a Mosque, a Synagogue, a field for goodness sake - wherever is special to you. Just enjoy being there. Learn to love your own company. Laugh a LOT!! At rubbish lol...and get out and talk to people as well.

 

Fill your life with only good things...married men are not good.

 

Thank you, it really is hard isnt it?!

 

And you know what? I USED to love my own company until this happened & now hes all I think about I just feel miserable when on my own instead of perhaps reading, listening to music or whatever, my thoughts are filled with complete negativity. Wish I could switch off these feelings I have for him.

 

I will take those steps you suggested to improve at work, just hope its not too late. Boss may have made up her mind that she wants to get rid of me.

[Soaked]

I know some of you will probably be thinking how pathetic I am, that I should have moved on & forgotten him. But it just aint that simple. I have gone out clubbing occasionally since it happened, tried online dating site but didnt like anyone who emailed me & it felt unnatural, I just want MM. Because I love him & I feel there is a magic soulmate connection between us. The chemistry was incredible, we had lots of 'in' jokes, we shared the same music taste, just generally had loads in common. I dont think the age gap mattered.

 

I miss having someone to eat dinner with, listen to music with, talk to about my day etc. Sometimes something will happen & I think - 'Id really like to tell MM about that - I know he would agree with me/offer good advice/find it interesting/funny or whatever...then I realize hes not there...and probably never coming back

 

no.. you are not pathetic.. I'm in a similar situation with you.. I live in my area by myself.. doesn't know many people so I understand how hard it must be for you.. especially during weekend/holiday! I just been though that (crying/sleeping..).

 

and my xMM was my friend that I can talk to about music.. telling him my days.. all the little things in my life.

 

Currently I'm in consoling.. One thing my therapist told me is my relationship with my xMM more like with a same age girlfriend. And that is something lacking in my life right now.. I think if we have same age girlfriends around us that will make the process easier.

 

For me right now I'm learning how to reach out a bit more.. and I just recently went on a vacation to visit my friend in other city.. and that make me feel better.

 

And I know the part about what you can't focus at work.. I'm facing the same thing.. but getting better and better.

 

I think if you can.. maybe you should consider consoling as well.. it really does help for me. Me and my therapist come out some strategies on helping me not thinking about him so much and she also help me to see/face myself and my feelings. Also help me to see what kind of person my xMM really is.

 

So hang in there and don't jump into those dating site so fast yet.. since we are not 100% over on our previous relationship yet. Instated try to make some friends!

 

Now I get more involve/interactions with my co-workers it help.

 

And if you miss to have someone to talk about music or what happen to you today.. how about if we talk in here? I just wish we can use private message.. so it will make it easier!

[Soaked]

Thank you, it really is hard isnt it?!

 

And you know what? I USED to love my own company until this happened & now hes all I think about I just feel miserable when on my own instead of perhaps reading, listening to music or whatever, my thoughts are filled with complete negativity. Wish I could switch off these feelings I have for him.

 

oh... same here! same here!

[Final Girl]

Thank you, it really is hard isnt it?!

 

And you know what? I USED to love my own company until this happened & now hes all I think about I just feel miserable when on my own instead of perhaps reading, listening to music or whatever, my thoughts are filled with complete negativity. Wish I could switch off these feelings I have for him.

 

I will take those steps you suggested to improve at work, just hope its not too late. Boss may have made up her mind that she wants to get rid of me.

 

Well first of, you know what?? Despite us just reading a couple of posts on a message bord, I kinda like you...you have a real warmth and honesty, and to FEEL as deeply as you, takes someone who is ok!!

 

It won't be too late...she will WANT you to impress!!! Devise a month long work plan...action points, benefits, time scales, evidence, future goals - make it in writing (make everything in writing so she CAN'T fire you) and no matter how hard it is, slap a smile on your face and walk out, head high, looking like you are ready to face the whole world!!!

 

Once you start achieving what you are born to achieve, you will LOVE your company!!!!

[Owl]

Maybe you need to get MAD about it all...mad at him for what he's doing.

 

Anger leads to hatred, hatred leads to refusal of contact...no contact leads back to the bright side of the force!

 

Ain't that what Yoda said?

[Final Girl]

Maybe you need to get MAD about it all...mad at him for what he's doing.

 

Anger leads to hatred, hatred leads to refusal of contact...no contact leads back to the bright side of the force!

 

Ain't that what Yoda said?

 

Hatred leads anger! Contact refusal leads to. Force to the bright side!

 

I think that's what Yoda said!! :laugh:

[whichwayisup]

but moving on is VERY difficult, I believe he will contact me again though at some point as he did so after 5 weeks of NC before. Its all this not knowing if or when the next call is coming.

 

But that shouldn't stop you from accepting it's over and from starting to heal. So what if he calls? The harder you work on getting over him, the easier it will be to tell him go away! He may call, but for what reason? To see how you are, to tell you he misses you, to have an ego feed for himself, ask you to continue to be the OW? How is that good for you?

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

Maybe you need to get MAD about it all...mad at him for what he's doing.

 

Anger leads to hatred, hatred leads to refusal of contact...no contact leads back to the bright side of the force!

 

Ain't that what Yoda said?

 

Ha ha yeah!

 

But really though I do hope one day I can find it in me to actually dislike the guy for what hes done. I should feel hatered for him after all the pain Ive been through cos of him. Hope I feel this next time/if he calls then I will be strong enough to say NO I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!!

 

The way I feel right now though...would probably be too weak to say no.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

But that shouldn't stop you from accepting it's over and from starting to heal. So what if he calls? The harder you work on getting over him, the easier it will be to tell him go away! He may call, but for what reason? To see how you are, to tell you he misses you, to have an ego feed for himself, ask you to continue to be the OW? How is that good for you?

 

If he does call it will probably be just to arrange a quickie on his way to work again at best.

 

But Im hoping that maybe, just maybe he feels a deep bond with me that he cannot ignore & calls one day to say he wants to be with me. Chances of that are probably pretty slim though but I can dream I guess.

 

But I know he is definately not happy in his marriage so it may be only a matter of time before MM or W decide to go their seperate ways. But that probably wont be for YEARS even if it does happen - I think they are still together mainly for the sake of their 4 kids, the youngest being 4. And they have all just had the upheaval of moving to this area so perhaps they will work on it...

[Spinning Head]

I think the worse thing from an A with a MM is the blow to your self-esteem. While the A is going, the MM says all the right things - how beautiful you are, how smart you are, how many things you have in common, etc. Then, MM just drops you and walks away from it all. It hurts like hell.

 

I've been trying so hard to stay busy every second of each day that I am physically exhausted!!

 

But, you've got to put the brakes on the spiral downward. MM is really not worth it. Is he worth the loss of your job? Your self-worth? NO!

 

I hate to see you "hoping" that you will hear back from him. You are allowing MM to direct and control your life. Take back the reins and control your own life. You are worth it.

[Owl]

Ha ha yeah!

 

But really though I do hope one day I can find it in me to actually dislike the guy for what hes done. I should feel hatered for him after all the pain Ive been through cos of him. Hope I feel this next time/if he calls then I will be strong enough to say NO I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!!

 

The way I feel right now though...would probably be too weak to say no.

 

Given that...what steps can you take to PREVENT him from contacting you?

 

Changed email address/phone numbers/IM ID's?

 

If you know you're weak...take steps to protect yourself accordingly!