RogueAC Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 It has been a whirlwind of a month. I was extremely devastated the first two weeks after being dumped but now I am excited to be single again and honestly feel, relieved. The relationship with my ex was missing a key ingredient: him wanting to be in a serious relationship with me; and I didn’t realize how exhausting it is to be with someone who does't really want to be in a relationship. I would try so hard to make things work and would ultimately be left feeling insecure and unwanted. The moment I stopped caring what the ex felt and wanted (or more, what he didn’t want), all of the feelings of insecurity and self-doubt just melted away. It is so wonderful to think about what I want and do things that I want. Self-indulgence? Um, yes please. I still care for the ex but I know I don’t want that relationship back. I also realize that I am not over him but something feels different. (????) Now, on to the reason for my post: I ran into a casual acquaintance about a week ago. We chatted for a bit that day and parted ways. I suggested we have a coffee sometime to catch up. New guy responded and called to ask me for a drink—I already had plans but I suggested some other time. HE called again and asked me to dinner. I am interested enough to have dinner with him but not really interested in dating (just yet). I have been in a serious relationship for quite a long time and am really intrigued by the idea of being single. I want to re-establish my life –my wants, needs and feelings – before jumping into something new. Hence, my questions: Can dinner just be dinner? Am I leading the new guy on if I know that I am not totally over my ex? Any thoughts how straight forward should I be or how to handle things when meeting new people post-breakup would be great.
FLOWERSTARS Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Are you looking for a friendship with him or a casual relationship or a few casual dates or one night stands? Be honest with him about what you are not ready for and see how he responds.
Author RogueAC Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 Right now I am only looking for friendship or a very casual dating. I think things will be fine-- I just need to openly communicate that.
Treasa Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Just let him know if he asks, or if you think he's intending it to be something more serious. Otherwise, I think you have a great attitude!!
Beee Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 RogueAc, its fantastic that you are in such a good place!! bit of a selfish question I guess.... how did you get there? how did you get to the point where you just don't care what he wants or doesn't want? I just want to be able to get on with my life without letting some one else condition me and my decisions..... About your situation.... I've met a guy who has been brilliant, he's really helped me through the bad days, listening to all the cr*p I have to say about my ex, all the stupid questions I have in my head... he also says really sweet things to me. I am not interested in this guy (not romabtically anyway) but think he's a great person... i have tried to delicately tell him that at the moment I think I'm not looking at all the "fish in the sea"... I just need time to recover and be on my own.... hoping that he understands where I'm coming from.... At the end of the day, if he does seem interested in stating things with you (and you're not) the best thing you can do I guess is be honest about how you feel....
Author RogueAC Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 Beee, I wish I had a one size fits all advice! So many of us on LS are reflective and caring people – if we weren’t we wouldn’t take the time to post about our actions or the actions of others—but we’re all growing at our own pace. Some days are so much easier than others and I would be lying if I said that I completely don’t care what the ex thinks/wants. I loved my ex very dearly but I realized that I was putting too much time and energy into thinking about him and sadly, not any time thinking about me (and as it turns out I did this for a long time in the relationship and other relationships before I even met him), and no matter how much I loved him, our relationship is not the love I deserve or need. I just wish I could start accepting these things! One day at a time, I guess. I am trying now to redirect the energy I spent thinking about the ex and our failed relationship into thinking about myself. I think of it as needed dose of healthy narcissism! So, for example, when I have a thought about the ex, I try to redirect it into a positive thought/affirmation about me. Thus sentiments like, “why didn’t he love me” turn into “I love me” or “I am loveable, loving and loved.” I know this seems silly but it has actually really helped. This breakup was a huge blow to my self-esteem and hurt(s) like hell, but in some ways, it was also been a wake up call because there are things in my life that I want work on that I have probably been ignoring because it was easier for me to "fix" us. Maybe it is true what they say that relationships last only as long as you need them. (Tell me, who says that?) And yes, without question or doubt, I do miss my ex. I do feel angry with him. I do feel sad, betrayed, neglected, misused, unwanted and unloved; but at the end of the day, I choose whether I want those feelings to dominate my life or just be part of the sidelines.
Author RogueAC Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 How else did I get here? I took a lot of the advice I read and heard as soon as humanly possible and I joined LoveShack. First, I immediately stopped speaking with the ex (the much discussed/debated No Contact). I did not e-mail, call, text message, write letters or send gifts. I did not beg or plead with him to take me back. Instead I called all the other people I love in my life. I wrote everything I could think of and I cried, a lot. I cried in the shower after waking up. I cried at work. I cried driving home from work. I cried while working out. I cried while spending time with friends. I bought very expensive and beautiful sunglasses so I could cry behind them. Next, I put everything that reminded me of him in a box that is now in storage (photos, gifts, clothes, cards, letters, books, etc.). Finally, removed all of his contact information from my phone and e-mail and I deleted all of the saved text messages, phone messages and e-mails. Harsh and devastating? Yes. Impossible? No. Then, I got busy. I started doing new things as soon as possible and am working out like a crazy woman. I found this awesome support group for “people who want healthy relationships” and asked for help from my friends and family. Now, I am making a genuine effort to see and spend time with all the people in my life. I am reading every self help website and book I have time for. I respect that this is going to take time and it is damn hard but I am willing try something different because want to feel better.
Author RogueAC Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 Clearly, I can go on and on, but just in case anyone is wondering, an update from yesterday's post: I had dinner with the New Guy last night even though I am not feeling the “dating” yet. He took me a restaurant that is a favorite of my ex and I which was difficult and strange, to put things lightly. Personally, I think people should provide a few options and let the date choose but that is a different thread. I am extremely proud of my composure in this situation. New guy was an engaging and sweet date. The conversation was relaxed and I had an okay time. We ended the date and yikes, it dawned on me, this guy wants to kiss me! So, I told him straight up “I’m recently out of a *serious relationship* and totally not looking for anything” and summed it up with some serious back off body language. He apparently understood that to mean “kiss me” and proceeded to. Ugh. Not that I feel totally awful about kissing someone new but it was not good. In fact, I would go so far as to call it bad. Bad, boring and blah. I said goodnight and went home. I haven’t cried in two weeks but I cried again last night. Ah… two steps forward, one step back…
northstar1 Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Clearly, I can go on and on, but just in case anyone is wondering, an update from yesterday's post: I had dinner with the New Guy last night even though I am not feeling the “dating” yet. He took me a restaurant that is a favorite of my ex and I which was difficult and strange, to put things lightly. Personally, I think people should provide a few options and let the date choose but that is a different thread. I am extremely proud of my composure in this situation. New guy was an engaging and sweet date. The conversation was relaxed and I had an okay time. We ended the date and yikes, it dawned on me, this guy wants to kiss me! So, I told him straight up “I’m recently out of a *serious relationship* and totally not looking for anything” and summed it up with some serious back off body language. He apparently understood that to mean “kiss me” and proceeded to. Ugh. Not that I feel totally awful about kissing someone new but it was not good. In fact, I would go so far as to call it bad. Bad, boring and blah. I said goodnight and went home. I haven’t cried in two weeks but I cried again last night. Ah… two steps forward, one step back… Hey, good for you for getting out there!!! And as most will tell you, dating new people after a breakup is hard, and frustrating for the first while, and you probably just showed yourself that you are not really ready to date seriously yet.
bayouboi Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Thanks for the update, but I did chuckle a bit about this because while you say this here, another thread is being made by some lady who's complaining about her date having no spine and taking the lead in the date by not choosing exactly where to go and what to do <b>Personally, I think people should provide a few options and let the date choose but that is a different thread. I am extremely proud of my composure in this situation.
Beee Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Rogue, thanks for all your posts, I really appreciate them. I, like you and many others on here, have good and bad days... last week was ok and I felt stronger, I felt more confident I was going to get through it and I was going to be ok.... I almost felt like I knew I didn't need him, that I was going to be ok without him.... This week hasn't been as good. I try and keep busy but seeing him at work is usually a painful reminder of the harsh reality.... I just want to be able to enjoy my life without worrying about what he's doing/feeling/thinking... without worrying if he still has feelings for me or if there's till a chance.... A year ago, although I did know him, he was no on to me, I want to be at that stage again.... Next week he's on holiday (a holiday we were meant to take together), which I guess is good, so at least I can come to work and not worry about seeing him. But then my contorted mind starts missing him and that last little connection we have... i get angry when i feel like this.... I am better now than when we first broke up and I can only hope that in another month and a half I will be even better. One step at a time, right?
EmperorR Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 I don't feel like meeting anyone, no one besides her turns me on, why is it when i see a couple i just feel like yelling at them your so lucky, im so pathetic.
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