Catwomannn Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 I have been dating a guy for a year now...Last month he finally told me he loved me --actually told me a few times.... The past couple of times I told him I loved him he said "I care very deeply about you too"... I asked him "why is it that sometimes you tell me you love me back and other times you don't"? He said "I don't want to lead you on...I love you but that love is an outgrowth of the deep caring I have for you and has grown out of the bond/friendship we have as well. I love you but in a deep caring way and not in a romantic way." I asked him what he meant by "romantic way"? He said "Well, I don't feel like I want to be with you 24/7 and I don't feel head over heels like I see stars, like it was love at first sight". I pointed out to him that that I think he confuses infatuation and true love. What he perceives as "romantic love" I think is really "infatuation". I pointed out to him that the true/enduring kind of love is the kind that grows out of deep caring/compassion and friendship...He seems to think that it is not REAL love that he feels for me because it wasn't love at first sight "head over heels seeing stars kind of thing".... I am just frustrated that he seems to have this idealized view of love that is unrealistic (and immature) and doesn't seem to know what real love is....How do I make him realize that he is living in a fantasy world? What should I do at this point?
girlygirl25 Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 I think he is trying to tell you that he "loves you" but isn't "IN love with you." Yes, you can grow to love someone but a year is a long time to be in a relationship with someone who isn't in love with you. I suggest that you have a talk with him. I know you say you already have, but what I mean is have a talk about your relationship. If he really doesn't see you as a romantic partner, then I don't think you will get what you want out of the relationship. It's up to you how you want to handle the situation. I don't think he is confused about what love is, I think he is just trying to be straight with you that he doesn't love you the way that you love him. I know that must be very hard to deal with and very upsetting for you, but don't you want to be in love with someone who is in love with you?
Lucky_One Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 He said, "I love you but in a deep caring way and not in a romantic way." I don't think he is confused about love at all. I don't think that he is living in a fantasy world. I think, maybe, I want to point out in a very gentle way that you seem to be living in more of a fantasy world than he is. He went 11 months without saying ILY, and still says that he doesn't love you romantically. Not many people want to marry someone who is never going to love them the same way that they love a friend. What should you do? Realize that this is a dead-end R, unless, of course, you just want to sleep with a friend and not someone whose socks you knock off in all sorts of ways. If you were both 60 year old widows/widowers who were best friends and were lonely for 24/7 companionship after losing the loves of your life, then I would think his statement makes perfect sense for continuing a relationship. But if you are younger than 60, I would think that you would want passion and excitement as well as deep affection and friendship (and I don't just mean passion for sex).
Lucky_One Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 I just looked at some of your old posts, and I believe even more strongly that this is a dead-end R for you. He doesn't want to live with you ever, and he doesn't ever want children to raise and you have 2 sons. These would be as big an issue for me than just the ILY thing.
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