nowhereman82 Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 I continue doing my every day life. I feel no enjoyment from it no matter what I do. But it's not like I am down either. Just kind of living. Every once in awhile I can hear the echo of the void that is there. Step by step I separate myself from the ex emotionally. I make choices that are for me. Being a transplant to the town I live in I don't have a solid core of friends and a large group of who I did speak to were friends of hers I was included in. I am an introvert (you honestly couldn't tell unless you really got to know me) so it really doesn't bother me that much...but sometimes I feel it limits my chances for new people to be introduced into my life. Sometimes I feel I have an overwhelming urge to find the next best thing to fill that void of her missing. It takes a special person to have that place in my heart so i feel it will be quite a while to find them. In the meantime...I will continue waking up at 8:20....I will continue going to my Spanish class, I will continue going to work at 11:30 and I will continue getting home sometime after 9pm...where it will be too late to do anything with people that have a normal schedule and I will end up in front of this computer or my television...until it's time to go to sleep and do it all over again. Comes off kind of depressing huh? lol, don't worry not depressed. My weekends have been a little mixed up lately. i do things....but then like stated before, I truly get no pleasure from doing them...other than I feel I should be doing something. I feel I have a great charming personality that is intelligent while speaking to others and looking to the left...Don't feel I'm that bad looking either. Think that saying goes....they're just as afraid of you as you are of them...think thats how you tell kids to not be afraid of wild animals, no? Just turned 26 last week. Got a lot of living ahead *shrug* But you are who you're going to be, unless you choose otherwise. I've kept that saying in heart the last couple of months...and I have taken the steps....I just don't know where they are taking me yet. Maybe it was the overcast all day that is making me gloomy? Maybe it's that after 5 years of someone always being there.....I hear nothing but my own breathing now.
D-Lish Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Following such a routine can and will be fruitful at some point. The most important thing I have learned after being with someone for almost 9 years is that another person cannot validate me- they cannot fill a void- only I can do that.... and it's when you fill that void with really enjoying who you are as a single entity.... that you will be ready to invite a worthy person into your life. It WILL take a special person to fill the void of the ex- but that special person should first be YOU. Then- and only then, will dating be enjoyable and fun. When we think in terms of completing ourselves via the love and adoration of another person.... it's just not a solution. The solution is to heal and know who you are- and more importantly LIKE who you are as an individual. You're going in the right direction and doing the right things. 5 years you said? Long time to be with someone... so give yourself permission to be sad, lonley- and ultimately work through it. Every small achievement and accomplishment elevates us to an extent... I know with me- I felt better in stages.... but those stages were hard for me to recognize. I didn't always see I was getting over it... but I did wake up each day with the relapses occuring less and less... until one day I realized. Wow- I don't love that person anymore. That progressed to- wow- still messed up- but not as sad.... Figuring out who you are independant of being in a relationship isn't easy. When you are in a relationship- you lose yourself in another person. Figuring out who you are again is an arduous process.... but it's also liberating. Embrace the liberating side of a break up- that opportunity to better yourself, fix what is broken within you.... I think you're doing that. I think you have already experienced results and gains... but you're not ready to see them yet. Start looking at what has been good in the past few months, instead of dwelling on some of the painful emotions that haven't changed yet. Recognize that what you are doing and pursuing on a daily basis DOES matter- and it will contribute to the healing. learn to like and find comfort in the sound of your own breathing.... then you will be ready to accept that special "other" someone into your life. But the first special someone you want to come to terms with is you. I'm serious about that. Finding another relationship won't replace anything. After a tough break up- it's all about learning to love who you are as an individual outside of being a couple. Hang in. You're doing all the right things. But the healing will just happen in stages. Start looking at what good things are happening to you and embracing your accomplishments. learning another language is pretty great- be prouder of those types of things you are doing.
Author nowhereman82 Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 Thanks for taking the time to reply. I agree, and have been on this forum enough to know what I must do. I think just personality wise I just don't get thrilled easy....I think the last time I was like "omg I had such a fun time" was when I went sky diving over 4 years ago. Amusement parks are fun, clubs are fun, getting drunk is fun....maybe I expect too much? I just think "well that was fun" but I take nothing else from it. It brings no smile to my face. I am not in a rush to go do it again. Think my expectations are higher than what they should be or other people just fake it really well.
sultry33 Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Thanks for taking the time to reply. I agree, and have been on this forum enough to know what I must do. I think just personality wise I just don't get thrilled easy....I think the last time I was like "omg I had such a fun time" was when I went sky diving over 4 years ago. Amusement parks are fun, clubs are fun, getting drunk is fun....maybe I expect too much? I just think "well that was fun" but I take nothing else from it. It brings no smile to my face. I am not in a rush to go do it again. Think my expectations are higher than what they should be or other people just fake it really well. yea im with you on this.. i do all that i can to try make my life better.. i go out an party but im just taking the steps not sure im really living yet:sick: dont think i have actually trully laughed in last 6months except for when i was meeting up with him.. he knew how to make me laugh just as he could make me cry.. im not deeply unhappy im just plodding on.. dont think he validated my life it was just better with him in it.. having someone to share happy times good news.. bad news.. now its like .. i did this blarblar who gives a s hit:laugh: im dragging myself out today... im missing him an i dont like this feeling.. my friend lives like an hr walk so im going over to keep her company as her bf is away. i hope you feel better inyourself soon x
Author nowhereman82 Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 Do you think that "finding happiness in yourself" is truly as literal as it comes off? Personaly I think its a crock of ****. People find activities to be happy with themselves. But in reality it's usually to avoid an issue or to fill a void, whatever it is. I think finding happiness in yourself is being happy with the person you are, your personality, your looks, and your strenths and weaknesses. It's easy to confuse the two. Having a rich active life != happiness with yourself. I can be as active or inactive as I chose and be happy with "me". And honestly....I think I am pretty darn happy with "me". It's my outside variables that cause me confusion. So everyone says "find happiness with yourself and then invite someone to share that life with".......I'm happy with who I am, perhaps I should date? But I know what people mean really...and perhaps they confuse it. What they mean is keep your life so busy and full that when you let someone in and they break your heart and leave, it won't be such a big part of you leaving....because after all....you still have your macaroni art, herb garden, lawn gnome collection, amateur poetry you have written, your addiction to porn to deal with.....writing poems about your porn addiction and lawn gnomes...etc I've never thought these things before about what has been said on this site....and tonight I think I hit it on the head with this reply. I beg you all the argue otherwise and dont nitpick, its 130am im tired lol
HopeDiesLast Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 "But you are who you're going to be, unless you choose otherwise." isnt that the story of my break up! ps- nowhereman- lawn gnomes??? hahaha, you made me laugh. thank you.
Author nowhereman82 Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 Glad I could make you smile
movingonandon Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 I continue doing my every day life. I feel no enjoyment from it no matter what I do. But it's not like I am down either. Just kind of living. Every once in awhile I can hear the echo of the void that is there. Step by step I separate myself from the ex emotionally. I make choices that are for me. Being a transplant to the town I live in I don't have a solid core of friends and a large group of who I did speak to were friends of hers I was included in. I am an introvert (you honestly couldn't tell unless you really got to know me) so it really doesn't bother me that much...but sometimes I feel it limits my chances for new people to be introduced into my life. Sometimes I feel I have an overwhelming urge to find the next best thing to fill that void of her missing. It takes a special person to have that place in my heart so i feel it will be quite a while to find them. In the meantime...I will continue waking up at 8:20....I will continue going to my Spanish class, I will continue going to work at 11:30 and I will continue getting home sometime after 9pm...where it will be too late to do anything with people that have a normal schedule and I will end up in front of this computer or my television...until it's time to go to sleep and do it all over again. Comes off kind of depressing huh? lol, don't worry not depressed. My weekends have been a little mixed up lately. i do things....but then like stated before, I truly get no pleasure from doing them...other than I feel I should be doing something. I feel I have a great charming personality that is intelligent while speaking to others and looking to the left...Don't feel I'm that bad looking either. Think that saying goes....they're just as afraid of you as you are of them...think thats how you tell kids to not be afraid of wild animals, no? Just turned 26 last week. Got a lot of living ahead *shrug* But you are who you're going to be, unless you choose otherwise. I've kept that saying in heart the last couple of months...and I have taken the steps....I just don't know where they are taking me yet. Maybe it was the overcast all day that is making me gloomy? Maybe it's that after 5 years of someone always being there.....I hear nothing but my own breathing now. Hey man, I'v thought multiple times that in your posts you sound kinda like me, but this one is freakishly close to where I'm at right now! (Your mention of spanish class even makes me doubt if we aren't in the same city!) Anyway, my problem is that I am a little too comfortable with the lifestyle you describe, the introversion and everything. So unlike what others say about taking the time etc., i think that at some point efforts need to be made to change introverted ways. But it's also true that such thing should come naturally, not "pretend". WHich may be hard for me, since I've always been like this, and that's perhaps one of the key reasons for the break-up. My friend recommended getting a dog, and I really think he's onto something here - dog teaches you to tolerate imperfections, gives you a focus other than yourself, and finally - enables you to meet more girls by transferring its cuteness onto yourself!!
orangehose Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 But I know what people mean really...and perhaps they confuse it. What they mean is keep your life so busy and full that when you let someone in and they break your heart and leave, it won't be such a big part of you leaving....because after all....you still have your macaroni art, herb garden, lawn gnome collection, amateur poetry you have written, your addiction to porn to deal with.....writing poems about your porn addiction and lawn gnomes...etc I am similarly a bit skeptical about the whole 'do everything new under the sun and work on yourself' post-breakup approach. Obviously it's better than the alternative (sitting at home and sulking), but if you're truly happy with yourself, you won't necessarily feel the need to remake yourself entirely just because someone left you. Still... we all have other things we like to spend time on. So we might as well. But yes, as you are implying, it seems the goal of burying yourself in a whirlwind of activities is to make the romantic void seem less important.
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