!!! I screwed up!!!

[Shorterrun]

Ok this is going to be long, so bear with me. I am 25 years old and live in GA. My girlfriend and I have lived together with our daughter for about 3 and a half years. We seperated once because there was a question of whether or not the child was mine, then we seperated once again due to not spending enough time together and working different schedules. We got back together and once we did it was wonderful for a while. Then it got worse because she was in school and we worked different schedules, her nights and me days. We were both salary and worked a lot of hours but made sure our daughter was taken care of. Eventually i was not emotionally there for her and then physically we were not connected. I asked friends what I should do , was I not attractive enough? I told her something was wrong and what did I need to do to change things? She said that she didnt know and that she could just go without the intimacy and that she didn't know how much longer that I would put up with her. Intimacy became once a month, then two then eventually we were intimate once every 3 - 3.5 months. We were unhappy. Unfortunately I met someone at my job, not really someone I cared about, just someone that looked at me, and laughed with me. Long story short I cheated on her with this girl. Deep down it hurt but at the time i didnt care because I was in something that was somekind of attention. That was wrong of me but at the time was not what I was thinking. The affair only lasted about three months total and for some reason and I don't know why, my girlfriend and my relationship became better than it ever had. It felt like the perfect family that we always wanted. I began to ignore the other girl, stopped sleeping with her, and one day took her to a place for kids, somewhere public, to tell her that it was over and that I loved my family. Everything was fine until i dropped her off at her house and her ex husband found out and told my girlfriend whom which he did not know. Everything hit the fan, just two months before this I lost my job, then when she found out I was thrown out. In the 3 years of us being together I never cried or showed emotion except when our daughter was born. That night I cried when she told me to get out. I felt the worst feeling I have ever felt in my entire life. I cried and told her I would fight for her everyday. So for four days and nights I didnt sleep, eat, shower (gross I know), or talk to anyone. I worked and slept in the SUV. Finally my friends dragged me to their home to take care of me. Two weeks later I saved the money to get my own place. She told me to come home and that she didnt want me anywhere else "when" we got back together. So I came home but not as a couple, I was told to sleep in the spare bedroom (floor) and to give her time. She still said she loved me and kissed me everyday. So I started to make up for it. I sent a letter to the girl telling her that I loved my girlfriend that I should never had done it and that I will not be speaking to her ever again. Then I spent 191 dollars on a garden that I built at 3 am, I gave her the passwords to every account I could think of and full access to my phone to trust me. I bought her roses three times a week and made our bed everyday. I took our daughter to the jewelry store and our 2 and a half year old picked out a 2k white gold diamond engagement ring. I didnt even have to size it, she tried it on and it fit her finger perfectly, she even cried cause she said it did but didnt know what to do, she just wanted to be mad at me. She began to go out and party, made new friends and claimed she just wanted guys to notice her but she wasn't interested in any of them. Finally one night I was able to get off work early, i knew she went out with her sister and some friends so I bought a rose and wanted to suprise her. I call her and she said she was going out to eat with some friends. I go to suprise her and there wre guys there, she was sitting next to one of them. I didnt want to upset her so I called but she didnt answer, I parked accross the street so she would not see me and get mad. Called a friend for advice and i was told to just go home and let her have her fun. I was arrested that night for tresspassing, and was sent to county jail. Was so depressed that I didnt eat and was assaulted for giving away my food. I ended up getting cracked ribs, black eye, and stab wounds. she was under the impression that I was following her so she and her family decided to leave me in there( not knowing what was happening to me) so I could think about it. Once she saw me she cried and got me out. Then gave me a bag with some clothes and told me that if we are to have a life together that I needed to get mine together. So I busted my butt to do so. Then it became worse. I asked advice and I was told I was on a leash, that she was moving on but that I was security incase there was nothing out there. She would neglect our daughter and go party, I had to step up and take care of her while she partied and brought home guys to our home. Finally I was able to get an apartment in one month and a half, caught up on my bills, paid utilities and began to make a home for our daughter so I didnt have to stay with her sister. She began to become snappy and short because its easier to let go of a bum and bad father than a good man. When I decided to go out one night with some friends she began to get mad and say that we dont need to go out and that our daughter needs us(basically didnt want me to go out because I might meet someone and move on) I found out just recently that she is dating someone and when I told her that I would take care of our daughter so she could sleep (works nights) and spend time with her friends and her boyfriend. She got defensive immediately, said she didnt have a boyfriend and that she didnt want to fight about it(even thought i was being nice and not fighting) and that this was the first that she knew about it. I told her I was not a second rate backup plan that I made a mistake and that does not make me abad person. I still deserve happiness. I made no excuses for what I did, and to this day I still dont know why I did it. BUt I can tell she still cares and loves me and our family , i want our family back so bad. I know not to be the puppy on a leash because then she will realize she can have me when she wants me, what do I do? Help. this whole thing has happend in a matter of five months. I dont know how to get us back, help!!!

[Shorterrun]

as an update the charges have been dropped except for one, misdemeanor and I did community service to have it taken from my record. I have my own place and doing well, i know that bothers her because she doesnt want me doing well at the same time she does. Also she is spending less time with our daughter during the week and wants to spend time with her when I have her on the weekends asically to make up for the times she doesnt want to see her during the week when she goes out. she is getting back to neglecting our daughter and having me take care of her but then calls when she wants to see her. I picked up our daughter from the mall the other day because she was shopping for clothes to go out that night in, she brought a guy there and i could tell she was doing it to make me jealous. I dont know why because she said it was over yet she is acting this way to keep me around, and the less I follow the more she seems to get mad and tries harder. I dont know what to do? is it over? is it not? she acts like it isnt but wont tell anyone how she feels, she avoids the subject all together, says she feels like everyeone is attacking her about it, but i told her its just because everyone cares. so what should I do? wait? move on? I care so much for my family and know i will never do it again, i dont want to go through what I did ever again, i definitely learned my lesson. I am just lost and dont know what to do.

[daphne]

short,

 

While I admire you for taking full responsibility for your mistake, I do not believe you are the only one who has made one. It sounds like your were experiencing alienation of affection from your gf. I don't know how long it went, but it sounds like you were trying to talk about it and she was shutting you down. That was her bad. That doesn't mean you were right to go out and find it elsewhere, but she should have been willing to try to work it out instead of assuming you didn't have needs. That was selfish of her.

 

It sounds like you know what her motivations are. She wants to string you along and the worse off you are, the easier it'll be for her. Good for you for working to get yourself together. Keep doing that. I wouldn't worry about getting her back at this time, since she's not accepting any responsibility for the problems you guys are having and is simply rubbing your nose in what she's doing now. Let her learn her own lessons. Keep moving forward, keep improving your life, and learn from this. If you want her to turn around her attitude and really try to make it work, you'll have to continue to be a man in her eyes and not take any more crap. You've taken too much. Women (and men) don't respect this so stop beating yourself up. You know you made a mistake, so move forward and be a better person. She's only taking advantage of your weakness to beat you up even more. Eating crow ad nauseum will not get her back, I promise.

[nowhereman82]

In the future please use paragraphs that are short....big jumbles of yours make people not want to read it because its hard to follow.

 

In fact I haven't even read it but thought I should share why you aren't getting any responses.

 

i recommend you post this using proper writting skills and you might get more responses.

[sedgwick]

I tried to read this but I can't make it through the wall of text! Paragraphs PLEASE!!!

 

(gotta love the above post recommending better "writting" skills!)

[Shorterrun]

so far it seems like she is trying to spend more time with our daughter but that doesn't stop her from bringing around guys in her life. It seems like she is pushing so hard to find a "better" guy than me, looks and so forth, and then it seems she is trying to find a guy that is a better father than me. but the thing is our friends (true friends) and I still see she is hurting after all this time. I am wondering if it will over go away for her and I don't think it will, and on that note I am wondering how long she can take hurting and screaming on the inside before she finally breaks and reaches out to someone on the subject. She says she feels like everyone is "attacking' her but really its just people that care and are trying to help her figure out what is going on and what she feels.

 

 

I was told not to wait that I deserve better. But the few times I do go out and seem like I could meet someone it just feels so wrong. Something inside just tells me that its not right. A good friend of mine (female and friend only) has said right now she is thinking OH SH*&, I told him to move on but I really didn't mean it and now I HAVE to find someone and be happy before he does. My friend says that it will never work for her until she faces it all. Until then I still hurt and take care of our daughter and pick up the slack and still look at the ring that i bought that fits her perfectly (without even having to resize it) that our daughter picked out hoping to be able to put it on her finger one day. Sad I know.

[Shorterrun]

I want to thank everyone for their replies and posts (even the ones where I should have typed it better)

I picked up our daughter from her apartment this morning and saw she had a guy over for the night. I was a little upset because I know that she was still in bed with this guy and our daughter was alone in the living room watching TV but I acted nice and made it about our daughter. Even though recent events have shown that she still cares and loves I think that she is forcing herself to be with this guy in order to find any way possible to make is seem she is ok even to the friends that she badmouths me to now. I have been showing her that I can make it on my own and I am a good father and a good man but that doesn't seem to slow her down. I also stay nice while she is rude to me and I know the kindness is killing her, but I was told it was the best thing to do. I pretty much see the writing on the wall and know that hope is strong but at this point is null and void. Again I want to thank everyone for their advice and guidance but I see that it is time for me to move on. I will continue to be the good father that I know I want to be.