Blah. Warning: extremely shallow post

[audrey_1]

Spookie is only 22, for God's sake! She's young. She's experiementing. She's dsicovering who she is. She does not need to think about life long mates at this pint, unless of course someone comes by who blows her away.

 

Spookie, I say give it some time, but if you are still feeling this way a little on down the road, end it. I was with a great guy for a long time, but I knew I did not love him in the way I needed to in order to get married (not that you're there yet). I DO NOT regret it at all, even thought I am still single. It would not have been a good match. He is married and has a child with a woman who loves him in the way he deserves to be loved. Good for him.

 

Seriously, you have so much ahead of you.

 

Definitely, but because of her experience, she is ahead of the game. Use it to your advantage, spookie. I am vastly different at 33 than I was at 22, even with some of the fast experiences I already had under my belt. I believe the key is not to evolve into a cynic. That's when the trouble could begin and be perpetuated. It'd be fun to philosophize about it while smoking a pinner, which is probably all I could handle without passing out.

[shadowplay]

Spook, you know he's not the one, so what's to even consider? Why are you keeping him hanging on? It doesn't matter how many wonderful attributes you can check off a list if you're not in love with him. Especially now that he's long distance what's the point in staying in the relationship?

 

Do you think maybe it's because you're lonely -- not being close to many people in a new environment?

[FormerNiceGuy]

When a man becomes dependent on a woman, psychologically, emotionally, or

financially he places himself below her which makes it hard for her to respect him.

[Storyrider]

I was thinking about what you said, and though it's true that the sex is great, it isn't cause he turns me, it's cause he makes me laugh and cause we're compatible, so it's pleasant.

 

I'm pretty sure things are on the decline; at this point the R is so uneven. He seems to want to talk to me 24/7 and I just cannot handle that much contact. If he gave me a little space I would miss him but this persistent neediness is too much.

 

Last night I came from work to find a large bouquet of flowers waiting for me downstairs. Nothing like flowers to make you feel like s!ht: I had plans with my only friend in the area later and I started feeling guilty, like I should stay home and chat on the phone instead.

 

Well, TT made sure I chatted on the phone all night anyway, calling me every 15 minutes all night long, until I told him I couldn't talk, he got super pissed and hung up on me, at which point I turned off my phone. This morning when I turned it back on there were 15 progressively drunker voice mails from him, and a few texts saying he was sorry.

 

I just don't know. It seems with him getting wasted to deal with issues and then being sorry is standard, and that's just one of the many things that scare me about being with him. I just don't think he's the one. Maybe my one is gone, maybe it was my ex - I can't imagine loving anyone more. But it's not fair to stay with TT just cause I believe that.

Reading what you're saying, Spookie, this is about him being too predictable, and you feeling like you're too much in the driver's seat.

 

You want him to be smarter because you don't want to always second-guess what he will do next.

 

Also, you want him to be at least as strong as you emotionally, and it seems he's not.

[btc8]

You've obviously established that you are not smarter than he is, but that you are smarter than he in everything that makes him the person who he is. Why don't you just stop this awful and misguided attempt to boost your ego and let him go? You want someone who isn't him. Use your 'effortless' talents, like those you employ in "actuary sciences," to deduce the fact that you should probably find someone else.

[Nemo]

Why don't you just stop this awful and misguided attempt to boost your ego

:lmao:

[Green]

You should date my Dog, if you put peanut butter any where he'll lick it off

[Nemo]

You should date my Dog, if you put peanut butter any where he'll lick it off

You're nuts!

 

Your nuts?

[sunshinegirl]

First of all, look at any single gal pals you have that are finding it so hard to find a decent male. Imagine you were single and in their shoes. Your BF will look so much more appealing then.

 

Second, you need to learn to leave work at the office. You bring it home and then feel like you are in competition with your BF the way you are at work with other men. If he was wasting his life or something then I could see why you would have a problem, but the quest is to find a good man who will respect you and love you, not one who makes way more money than you and holds a higher title than you.

 

You want to see him as your love and not as your competition, then both of you leave work at the office unless one needs advice or a shoulder to cry on after a bad day. Be boyfriend and girlfriend at home, not professionals in whatever it is you do.

 

Third, you need to let go of the idea of "marry up", especially if you're a successful woman. Experience has shown me the wealthy good looking guys are more after the hot trophy or meaningless flings than they are after the powerful female executive. Even when looking for a wife they're more after some "blue-blood" good girl who "knows her place" so they can still be the dominant one.

 

I'm sure some will disagree with me here, but if you're a successful female, you can't hold on to the "marry up" attitude. You more need to see that your BF works, is doing fine at his job (I hope) and isn't going to be a liability.

 

My current lady is about to enter dental school. I'm sure if we married down the road she'll make way more money than me...but I don't sit there thinking I need to be better than her (just the best at what I do), and if she wants to believe the only man for her is someone who is more "powerful" and successful, then she's free to go out there and find him. At that point she'll be in her late 30s and pickings will be very slim.

 

Sometimes you have to stop thinking about what you don't have and maybe think about what you do have...and appreciate it if it's a truly good thing.

 

I don't think the OP has said anything about wanting a "wealthy, good looking" guy, at least not on this thread.

 

I can relate to your original question. I need to be with a man who's "smarter" than me in at least some intellectual area. That's in part because conversational banter, debate, learning, and discussion are hugely important to me - it's how I connect with people. A guy who can keep up with me in conversation is incredibly sexy. A guy who's work or big hobby is in some area that I don't know or understand - even more sexy. In fact, I don't want to date men who work in my field because (1) I don't want to get into any kind of competitive weird thing with them; (2) it's boring! I want to learn new stuff from my partner, and vice versa.

 

I will also add that I have, more than once, had the experience of men learning where I went to college and physically backing up, putting their hands up, and saying "whoa, you went to XYZ - geez you must really be smart". The whole dynamic between us would change... and I have since learned that I need a man who isn't intimidated by me, and that usually translates into a guy who's smarter than me.

 

So for me the "smarts" thing is a core compatibility issue.

 

My $0.02.

[Kamille]

I didn't read the whole thread, but Spookie, isn't this a pattern with you? You really really like a guy but then you feel they always become too needy and too clingy for some reason. This time it's his job, one time it was sexual experience, another time he had AS.

 

And once you start feeling a guy is clingy and needy, you start treating them like they are clingy and needy, which in turn makes them clingy and needy. I mean, you had plans with a friend. When you got the flowers, why didn't you just text him "thank you, going out with friend, talk to you tomorow". Instead it sounds like you begrudgedly(sp?) took his call which more then likely made him feel insecure as hell after he had made a big gesture.

 

I guess my point is that if you want to be with a partner who is manly, you have to treat him like an adult.

[Green]

You're nuts!

 

Your nuts?

 

you still have alot to learn from me... in a world gone mad only a crazy man is sane! and yes the nuts on your nuts

[btc8]

I didn't read the whole thread, but Spookie, isn't this a pattern with you? You really really like a guy but then you feel they always become too needy and too clingy for some reason. This time it's his job, one time it was sexual experience, another time he had AS.

 

Old habits, as they say, die hard--especially those ones that tend to be conditioned.

[Trialbyfire]

I didn't read the whole thread, but Spookie, isn't this a pattern with you? You really really like a guy but then you feel they always become too needy and too clingy for some reason. This time it's his job, one time it was sexual experience, another time he had AS.

 

And once you start feeling a guy is clingy and needy, you start treating them like they are clingy and needy, which in turn makes them clingy and needy. I mean, you had plans with a friend. When you got the flowers, why didn't you just text him "thank you, going out with friend, talk to you tomorow". Instead it sounds like you begrudgedly(sp?) took his call which more then likely made him feel insecure as hell after he had made a big gesture.

 

I guess my point is that if you want to be with a partner who is manly, you have to treat him like an adult.

This makes a lot of sense Kamille. The only problem is that spook also likes to call the shots. This creates a conflict.

[spookie]

First of all' date=' look at any single gal pals you have that are finding it so hard to find a decent male. Imagine you were single and in their shoes. Your BF will look so much more appealing then.[/quote']

 

I don't know. I like being single, feeling like the world is full of unexplored opportunities and having no one to account to.

 

 

Second, you need to learn to leave work at the office. You bring it home and then feel like you are in competition with your BF the way you are at work with other men. If he was wasting his life or something then I could see why you would have a problem, but the quest is to find a good man who will respect you and love you, not one who makes way more money than you and holds a higher title than you.

 

You want to see him as your love and not as your competition, then both of you leave work at the office unless one needs advice or a shoulder to cry on after a bad day. Be boyfriend and girlfriend at home, not professionals in whatever it is you do.

 

Third, you need to let go of the idea of "marry up", especially if you're a successful woman. Experience has shown me the wealthy good looking guys are more after the hot trophy or meaningless flings than they are after the powerful female executive. Even when looking for a wife they're more after some "blue-blood" good girl who "knows her place" so they can still be the dominant one.

 

I'm sure some will disagree with me here, but if you're a successful female, you can't hold on to the "marry up" attitude. You more need to see that your BF works, is doing fine at his job (I hope) and isn't going to be a liability.

 

My current lady is about to enter dental school. I'm sure if we married down the road she'll make way more money than me...but I don't sit there thinking I need to be better than her (just the best at what I do), and if she wants to believe the only man for her is someone who is more "powerful" and successful, then she's free to go out there and find him. At that point she'll be in her late 30s and pickings will be very slim.

 

Sometimes you have to stop thinking about what you don't have and maybe think about what you do have...and appreciate it if it's a truly good thing.

 

I don't want to marry up and I don't care about money or wealth, I just want a man who is smarter than me or better at some life skills. That's just not the case with my bf.

 

Storyrider's got it right:

 

Reading what you're saying, Spookie, this is about him being too predictable, and you feeling like you're too much in the driver's seat.

 

You want him to be smarter because you don't want to always second-guess what he will do next.

 

Also, you want him to be at least as strong as you emotionally, and it seems he's not.

 

Exactly.

[spookie]

I didn't read the whole thread, but Spookie, isn't this a pattern with you? You really really like a guy but then you feel they always become too needy and too clingy for some reason. This time it's his job, one time it was sexual experience, another time he had AS.

 

And once you start feeling a guy is clingy and needy, you start treating them like they are clingy and needy, which in turn makes them clingy and needy. I mean, you had plans with a friend. When you got the flowers, why didn't you just text him "thank you, going out with friend, talk to you tomorow". Instead it sounds like you begrudgedly(sp?) took his call which more then likely made him feel insecure as hell after he had made a big gesture.

 

I guess my point is that if you want to be with a partner who is manly, you have to treat him like an adult.

 

It is for sure a pattern with me.

 

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I think I'm attracted to guys who are manly, but it's like I have this power of reducing them to snivelling children after a month or two.

 

You're probably right that it's my behaivior. The creepy part is, I feel like I've been playing the part my ex had in that R for the last 1.5 years. I know all about how someone can make someone else feel and act the way these guys are acting, and I know it's probably my fault. But still. My behaivior usually begins as a result of all this internal questioning I have going on. Maybe it just means I need to cut them loose sooner.

 

Also... TT wets the bed. He's peed in the bed 4 times since the time he peed on me. I know it's shallow to judge someone for this, but I'm having a really hard time treating him like an "adult".

[Storyrider]

Wait, is the bed wetting always when he's wasted drunk, or is he just an adult bed wetter?

[spookie]

In conclusion, it is over.

 

As Shadowplay pointed out, I know he's not the one, so what's the point?

 

I don't want to be tied down, especially in a long-distance relationship where I feel I'm only staying with the person out of guilt and fairness. Fairness, because I wish the world was a better place, in which good actions resulted in a person (TT) getting what he wants.

 

I don't know how to tell him that despite everything wonderful he's done for me, I want to break up. I know he's going to be really bitter and hate me for a while, and that really hurts.

 

But better now than later, right?

 

Now, a question: should I do it before the week-long trip here he has planned for the end of October, during, or before? He already bought the ticket, but I think it's transferable, so hopefully he can go somewhere else, if I end it soon.

[spookie]

Wait, is the bed wetting always when he's wasted drunk, or is he just an adult bed wetter?

 

When he's wasted.

 

But I've gotten really, really wasted before and I've never wet the bed. And I'm disturbed at the frequency, as well as the fact that he'd joke about this so casually. It's not a little deal and if he can't handle his bladder when he's drunk, he shouldn't drink.

[Storyrider]

When he's wasted.

 

But I've gotten really, really wasted before and I've never wet the bed. And I'm disturbed at the frequency, as well as the fact that he'd joke about this so casually. It's not a little deal and if he can't handle his bladder when he's drunk, he shouldn't drink.

Yeah, it would bother me.

[shadowplay]

In conclusion, it is over.

 

As Shadowplay pointed out, I know he's not the one, so what's the point?

 

I don't want to be tied down, especially in a long-distance relationship where I feel I'm only staying with the person out of guilt and fairness. Fairness, because I wish the world was a better place, in which good actions resulted in a person (TT) getting what he wants.

 

I don't know how to tell him that despite everything wonderful he's done for me, I want to break up. I know he's going to be really bitter and hate me for a while, and that really hurts.

 

But better now than later, right?

 

Now, a question: should I do it before the week-long trip here he has planned for the end of October, during, or before? He already bought the ticket, but I think it's transferable, so hopefully he can go somewhere else, if I end it soon.

 

Before. He'll be even more upset if you break up with after he takes this long trip to see you. If you do it after, you'll have to "pretend" during the trip which seems wrong. There's no way of not hurting him, but he'll get over it eventually and hopefully toughen up a bit as a result.

[spookie]

Before. He'll be even more upset if you break up with after he takes this long trip to see you. If you do it after, you'll have to "pretend" during the trip which seems wrong. There's no way of not hurting him, but he'll get over it eventually and hopefully toughen up a bit as a result.

 

Blah.

 

I know I'll just be hurting him more by prolonging the inevitable; and I know the feeling of relief I'll get after the fact will be immeasurable; but him, of all people, I DON'T want to hurt.

 

I tend to have a tremendous amount of disrespect for my exes after we break up but I really have nothing even remotely bad to say about TT. I think he's a wonderful human being; just not for me; and it upsets me that he's probably going to hate me.

 

What's a nice way to break up with someone?

[shadowplay]

Blah.

 

I know I'll just be hurting him more by prolonging the inevitable; and I know the feeling of relief I'll get after the fact will be immeasurable; but him, of all people, I DON'T want to hurt.

 

I tend to have a tremendous amount of disrespect for my exes after we break up but I really have nothing even remotely bad to say about TT. I think he's a wonderful human being; just not for me; and it upsets me that he's probably going to hate me.

 

What's a nice way to break up with someone?

 

I would write him a long, heartfelt email explaining why you want to break up with him. Be honest, but soften some of the blows. Emphasize why you think he's a wonderful person and that you're not just saying that. Explain that you're just not right for each other but he'd make another girl very happy.

 

Then follow the email up with a phone call.

 

That's about as nice as you're going to get. Anything more would seem condescending. You know there's no nice way of breaking up with someone if by nice you mean sparing their feelings.