Author spookie Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 A smart woman needs an even smarter man. This is bugging you because you know you can't trust his judgement. It isn't a minor thing and it will become a huge issue if you marry him. Right, exactly. I don't trust his judgment. I don't make good decisions a lot of the time, but I have my own reasons for that (love of drama as JB pointed out, usually); that's different from not knowing what the right answers are. My conclusions about things, I usually have complete faith in; and it's important to me for reasons I can't fully verbalize to have a partner whose thinking I can trust just as much. I just don't see that happening here. Maybe it hasn't been long enough, and he'll prove me wrong. Maybe he's a late bloomer. But for now, I just don't trust his judgment.
allina Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 I don't even this this is shallow. You're turned off because you want someone skilled and smart, there is nothing wrong with that. Here you got this job that wasn't easy to get and kicked major ass. He chose this as a career path and doesn't match up with you when it comes to skill level, I think i would feel slightly turned off as well. I just think that you should keep something in mind. Though you perform better at work doesn't mean you're smarter or more skilled in general. Work is important but it's only one area of life. Try to focus on areas where he kicks your ass. He must have some sort of skill that you don't, maybe you can focus on that?
rod_in_gtown Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 What industry are you in? How are you better than him at it? Note: the thread moved a lot since I started writing, I didn't ready the part about the actuary until after I posted.
Author spookie Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 I find that I have to respect what my SO does in order to be interested in them to begin with. But to me relationships are not about who's better at what. People take the consumer approach when it comes to relationship and then they're surprised when the people they're with do the same (Newer younger models come out so out with the old and in with the new). The whole "Settling" mentallity of so many women out there is most "unsettling" Yah I don't think I have the consumer approach. It may look like it on the outside, but I'm pretty sure this is about something else.
Author spookie Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 A smart woman needs an even smarter man. This is bugging you because you know you can't trust his judgement. It isn't a minor thing and it will become a huge issue if you marry him. If anyone has any more insight on this, or if you, Angel, have anything else to add, I'd really like to explore what people think about this. Given compatibility and all the other good stuff we share, is this as big a deal as I seem to feel? Are there any of you in good LTR's where you don't trust your SO's judgment? I mean, logically, I know he's not that stupid, and I can rely on myself (and if I broke up with him and remained this picky, there's a good chance I'd end up alone anyway) so what's the big deal?
Green Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 speaking as a sucessful person to you a person I can only assume is not on my level I would tear a person like you up alive in a relationship
Author spookie Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 I don't even this this is shallow. You're turned off because you want someone skilled and smart, there is nothing wrong with that. Here you got this job that wasn't easy to get and kicked major ass. He chose this as a career path and doesn't match up with you when it comes to skill level, I think i would feel slightly turned off as well. I just think that you should keep something in mind. Though you perform better at work doesn't mean you're smarter or more skilled in general. Work is important but it's only one area of life. Try to focus on areas where he kicks your ass. He must have some sort of skill that you don't, maybe you can focus on that? That's the thing. I've looked hard, and so far I can't find anything he kicks my ass at, except being nice and "stable". Work isn't all that important to me; in fact, succeeding in this particular profession isn't even a major life goal (I see it as more of a meal ticket), so I know I'd be able to see past it if he weren't measuring up, if there was something important to him that he was good at. But his goals are very simple: have a high-paying job, have babies. And he has no interests or anything where he shines. I've completely kicked his ass at everything we've done together. Anything athletic that doesn't require heavy lifting (that's the one thing he's "better" at me than, probably by nature of being half a foot taller, 50 pounds heavier, and a man), logic games, word games, video games. Driving, directions, getting around. Beer pong, darts, pool. Oh yah, he can drink more than me... but I hold my liquor better, too. I would LOVE to find some hidden talent inside him that I don't have. But so far, all I see is that he's relatively smart, and a really good guy, but has nothing I don't already have in myself.
carhill Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 I agree with you that the trick is acceptance. I guess I was just looking for opinions on how other women would feel in my position, given the facts. And insight from people who have been there. I've been there and am there, hence my question...
djhall Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 I find that I have to respect what my SO does in order to be interested in them to begin with. But to me relationships are not about who's better at what. In most relationships people complement each other in different ways. I may be a little more intelligent than you are in "book smarts", but you have a better read of people and better "street smarts". I may know how to fix a car, but you know how to fix dinner. That kind of thing. When I burn my cup-o-noodles and you can't change a spare tire, we both appreciate that despite our superiority in some areas, our partner still has us beat in others. If you get into a situation where everything your partner does, you do the exact same thing better, it could be hard to avoid feeling superior, which is not a good thing in a relationship.
almost famous Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Probably his alcohol problem has a lot to do with why he isn't succeding as well as you are at work. It affects different people in different ways. You are looking at a guy who is mediocre at his job yet plans to be rich one day...not gonna happen in this job market. This would be a big turnoff to me, also. He probably isn't bright enough to even realize that you are a lot better than him in the field.
Green Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Probably his alcohol problem has a lot to do with why he isn't succeding as well as you are at work. It affects different people in different ways. You are looking at a guy who is mediocre at his job yet plans to be rich one day...not gonna happen in this job market. This would be a big turnoff to me, also. He probably isn't bright enough to even realize that you are a lot better than him in the field. spookie strikes me as a really silly person, you know one of those who thinks shes the best or what ever and wonders why all the idiots are being promoted in life. I'm sure her analysis of the situation isn't as complete as she leads us to believe and she sounds very unsucsessful almost like she goes through life in some out of control dream no grasp of her own goals
Angel1111 Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 It wasn't until I was with a really smart and wise man that I realized the difference that made for me, and the difference in how he responded to me. I have since only known a couple of men like this and, unfortunately, they were both married (and spare me the judgemental comments, please - and no I didn't have an affair with both of them). But they were both like soulmates. I felt like I could relax and leave the world in their hands. It was a unique feeling for me. I also realized that I didn't need to be with my opposite, that I was much happier with someone who was more like myself. And these guys weren't intimidated by me or jealous of my mind. They totally admired me, the way I thought, and they couldn't stop wanting to talk to me. I had never been around men like that before. All my other relationships were with men who didn't 'get' me at all. They were constantly in fear and it came out in their behavior. I don't blame those guys, we were just mismatched - and I think they knew it before I did. I never thought of myself as exceptionally smart but people tell me that I am. I'm very down-to-earth, even if I am smart, and I tend to be trusting. I'm definitely not smart about figuring myself out and it has taken me years to figure out what was wrong in my previous relationships. Now I wouldn't even consider being with a man that I didn't feel the same way I felt about the men I mentioned. I think it's really a matter of knowing what you want and sometimes it takes experience to figure that out. I think there's someone for everyone and your personal tastes should be honored. Doing anything else will cause problems on both ends. If you stay with a guy who's judgement you can't trust, not only will it drive you nuts but it will make him feel horrible. Men need to feel respected and validated. You won't be able to fake that and he'll sense it. Then, let the troubles begin.
vonerik012 Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Well if you even beat him at sports, I suppose that is pretty pathetic..
shadowplay Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 I wish my bf and I weren't in the same field, because constantly competing means I am constantly winning and therefore constantly losing respect for him. If he were a doctor or a lawyer or a garbage man I wouldn't daily be faced with the knowledge that I am better at him at his calling. But no, he has to do exactly the same thing I do, and not as well. And while I try hard at work, this isn't even what I "want to do with my life", and I believe I have talent in other areas. For him, this is it. I know it's shallow that this bothers me. After all, he's pretty smart for being in this profession in the first place, and if he were doing anything else, I'd never even have had an opportunity to judge his intelligence against my own. But I can't seem to get over it. I've always wanted to be with someone I could admire, but that's hard to do when I know I am better at everything except being a nice person than he is. I genuinely care about him, I'm attracted to him, I miss him now that we're long-distance, but somewhere in the back of my mind is always the thought that I need to end it, soon, cause I'm settling. In a world where so many people make such s!htty partners, isn't it so messed up for me to think like this? How do I get over it? Cause I want to; it's tainting my feelings. Spookie, I know how you feel. I can never last long with a guy who I suspect is less intelligent than I am, even if he's reasonably intelligent to begin with. I need to be with somebody at least as smart, preferably smarter. I've dated guys who were smart, but not super smart, and a little piece of me felt like I was always looking down on them. Isn't that terrible? One of the things that drew me to my current bf is we were in a class together, and before I even knew him I was immediately jealous of his intelligence because he was noticeably quicker than I was at grasping certain concepts. I don't think I'm brilliant by any means, but I'd like to end up with a guy who is.
Ariadne Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Spookie, I know you want to find true love, and that you try very hard to convince yourself. But I don't think this TT virgin guy, not very talented, pee in the pants is it. He is nice and all and he's kept you company and showed you some good times though. Is hard.
shadowplay Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 That's the thing. I've looked hard, and so far I can't find anything he kicks my ass at, except being nice and "stable". Work isn't all that important to me; in fact, succeeding in this particular profession isn't even a major life goal (I see it as more of a meal ticket), so I know I'd be able to see past it if he weren't measuring up, if there was something important to him that he was good at. But his goals are very simple: have a high-paying job, have babies. And he has no interests or anything where he shines. I've completely kicked his ass at everything we've done together. Anything athletic that doesn't require heavy lifting (that's the one thing he's "better" at me than, probably by nature of being half a foot taller, 50 pounds heavier, and a man), logic games, word games, video games. Driving, directions, getting around. Beer pong, darts, pool. Oh yah, he can drink more than me... but I hold my liquor better, too. I would LOVE to find some hidden talent inside him that I don't have. But so far, all I see is that he's relatively smart, and a really good guy, but has nothing I don't already have in myself. Your boyfriend sounds great on paper, but kind of boring -- especially for somebody like you. He'd make a wonderful husband/bf for a simpler, more mainstream girl. I think you need somebody more intense, interesting and off-beat.
Angel1111 Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Spookie, I know how you feel. I can never last long with a guy who I suspect is less intelligent than I am, even if he's reasonably intelligent to begin with. I need to be with somebody at least as smart, preferably smarter. I've dated guys who were smart, but not super smart, and a little piece of me felt like I was always looking down on them. Isn't that terrible? You're describing the exact reason why I HATE the relationship on the 'Everybody Loves Raymond' show between Ray and Debra. I know it's a fictiional couple but it truly grates on me. She constantly puts him down, shows him up, and bosses him around. That may be the stuff of comedy but it would be a living hell for me.
Nemo Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 After all, he's pretty smart for being in this profession in the first place, Isn't he (and you) some sort of actuary? Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I have a couple of friends taking "actuarial science," and it really strikes me as a dumbed-down version of the statistics most theoretical scientists use. I imagine most actuaries make an absolute truckload of money, but there's nothing that groundbreaking about the work. Most serious mathematicians would consider it to be a highly specialised and simplified body of work, derived heavily from work primarily done by others.
Nemo Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 She constantly puts him down, shows him up, and bosses him around. You would be pissed, too, if everybody loved your boyfriend. Much more than you, I mean.
carhill Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 I would LOVE to find some hidden talent inside him that I don't have. But so far, all I see is that he's relatively smart, and a really good guy, but has nothing I don't already have in myself. I didn't realize you had grown a penis The ultimate in self pleasure Seriously, trust me, you don't want a complex, emotional, wacked-out intellectual. My wife is married to one of those and hates it. Better to have a stable, responsible, good guy who you know will respond properly to your inputs and take good care of you, both in and out of bed. "Normal", as my wife would put it. Oh, BTW, my dad was an insurance actuary, as well as being a CPA. So, it has been decided that I am the milkman's baby
vonerik012 Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Well they say a man should never marry a woman whom is more intelligent than him. And from reading these womens posts, I can see why.
Green Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Well they say a man should never marry a woman whom is more intelligent than him. And from reading these womens posts, I can see why. I've never heard that saying, infact you'd get the impression more then half the women percieve themselves to be smarter and more complex then their husbands.
Author spookie Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 In most relationships people complement each other in different ways. I may be a little more intelligent than you are in "book smarts", but you have a better read of people and better "street smarts". I may know how to fix a car, but you know how to fix dinner. That kind of thing. When I burn my cup-o-noodles and you can't change a spare tire, we both appreciate that despite our superiority in some areas, our partner still has us beat in others. If you get into a situation where everything your partner does, you do the exact same thing better, it could be hard to avoid feeling superior, which is not a good thing in a relationship. Yah. Agreed. With my ex whom I was completely in love with and devoted to, I was smarter at some book smarts but he had me beat in the street smarts, fixing cars, and athletic departments, just to name a few. I have NO problem being better at SOME things. The problem here is that not only am I better than him at HIS profession, but he'd be totally useless at car-fixing, dinner-cooking, etc. He'd make a great father while I'd probably suck at parenting, so that's one thing, but it's never been a dream of mine to be married to a stay at home dad, which is something he jokes about a little too often.
Author spookie Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 Probably his alcohol problem has a lot to do with why he isn't succeding as well as you are at work. It affects different people in different ways. You are looking at a guy who is mediocre at his job yet plans to be rich one day...not gonna happen in this job market. This would be a big turnoff to me, also. He probably isn't bright enough to even realize that you are a lot better than him in the field. He's plenty bright enough to realize that. I know he's pretty insecure about it, which I'm hoping will motivate him into some kind of action that'd surprise me. I think I'm still here because his strengths AREN'T insignificant, and I am a firm believer of the fact that "intelligence" and lots of those other smarts are developed. By no means is he stupid; perhaps he performed so weakly this summer because he was distracted by the relationship, while I performed well because, well, I HAD to. Perhaps he's a late bloomer and he'll come into his own soon, perhaps he'll realize he needs to sharpen up cause there's no one else to rely on, like I did. One thing I do know and trust about him is his love for his family and friends, and how far he'd go for it. His love is something I can trust and that is why I am still around and why the answer is not as simple as just throwing in the towel.
Author spookie Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 Spookie, I know how you feel. I can never last long with a guy who I suspect is less intelligent than I am, even if he's reasonably intelligent to begin with. I need to be with somebody at least as smart, preferably smarter. I've dated guys who were smart, but not super smart, and a little piece of me felt like I was always looking down on them. Isn't that terrible? One of the things that drew me to my current bf is we were in a class together, and before I even knew him I was immediately jealous of his intelligence because he was noticeably quicker than I was at grasping certain concepts. I don't think I'm brilliant by any means, but I'd like to end up with a guy who is. Yah. Me too, to all of that, and most disturbingly, to the last bit. Maybe it's these attitudes that are preventing us from having solid relationships, though. What purpose exactly does dating someone "brilliant" serve?
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