spookie Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I wish my bf and I weren't in the same field, because constantly competing means I am constantly winning and therefore constantly losing respect for him. If he were a doctor or a lawyer or a garbage man I wouldn't daily be faced with the knowledge that I am better at him at his calling. But no, he has to do exactly the same thing I do, and not as well. And while I try hard at work, this isn't even what I "want to do with my life", and I believe I have talent in other areas. For him, this is it. I know it's shallow that this bothers me. After all, he's pretty smart for being in this profession in the first place, and if he were doing anything else, I'd never even have had an opportunity to judge his intelligence against my own. But I can't seem to get over it. I've always wanted to be with someone I could admire, but that's hard to do when I know I am better at everything except being a nice person than he is. I genuinely care about him, I'm attracted to him, I miss him now that we're long-distance, but somewhere in the back of my mind is always the thought that I need to end it, soon, cause I'm settling. In a world where so many people make such s!htty partners, isn't it so messed up for me to think like this? How do I get over it? Cause I want to; it's tainting my feelings.
stefspets Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I don't see how his work performance is even remotely related to your relationship. If he is a good partner, treats you well, and the relationship is fine otherwise (which you have said), then what's the problem? The only one I see is with your perception. Maybe succeeding at his job is not is important to him as it seems to be to you. He might measure success in other ways. Maybe he doesn't want to compete with you (i.e. lets you win). Maybe he will improve with time (and at that point be able to outperform you). Etc, etc. I think you should cut him some slack. Is there some other way that he appears intelligent/respectable to you? Maybe you can focus on that, instead.
Author spookie Posted September 9, 2008 Author Posted September 9, 2008 I don't see how his work performance is even remotely related to your relationship. If he is a good partner, treats you well, and the relationship is fine otherwise (which you have said), then what's the problem? The only one I see is with your perception. Maybe succeeding at his job is not is important to him as it seems to be to you. He might measure success in other ways. Maybe he doesn't want to compete with you (i.e. lets you win). Maybe he will improve with time (and at that point be able to outperform you). Etc, etc. I think you should cut him some slack. Is there some other way that he appears "strong" to you? Maybe you can focus on that, instead. It's not related to our relationship, but I'm still having trouble letting go of the sneaking thought that I could do "better". Better not in terms of how someone treats me, or how compatible we are, but how talented/ intelligent/ good-looking/ practical/ athletic he is. I just feel like outscore him in every single one of these categories, and that bothers me. On the other hand, he brings sanity and people skills to the table. It's a shame I never valued those things.
Mahatma Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 At least you acknowledge this is extremely shallow. I say let him go so he can be with someone who respects him for who he is and not just for his job title or job performance.
stefspets Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Is this thought process something that has creeped in since you have been long distance, or have you always felt this way about him? On one hand, you do need to respect the person you are with. If you don't respect him then you probably will treat him accordingly (if not now, then down the road). If there is no way to shift your focus, and you have absolutely no respect for him, then maybe ending it is best. The other side is the issue of "settling" that you mentioned. The list you gave (intelligent/practical/athletic/etc) is kind of a tall order, I think. If you reject your current boyfriend for not meeting this list of requirements, you could go on to reject many other men for the same reasons, and none of them speak to a person's capacity to function in a healthy relationship. You could, then, meet the person who IS everything on that list, but who is also narcissistic, abusive, or completely insane... My point with the last paragraph is that no one is perfect. In theory you could ALWAYS do better, but will you actually find that ideal person? Probably not. The best you can do is find someone who is a big piece of your ideal and treats you well. You have to learn to accept them for what they are. Can you accept him for who he is and respect him for that, at least?
reservoirdog1 Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Shallow or not, this is how you feel. You won't stop being bothered by it just because people tell you should stop. You used the word "settling". It sounds to me that you're contemplating settling for somebody that you SHOULD be happy with. And that, I'm sorry to say, is a recipe for divorce, or infidelity. You don't say in your post that you love him, or that you're in love with him. You say that you care about him, you're attracted to him, and you miss him due to the long distance thing. I expect that you can't look at him and say to yourself "this is the guy I WANT to spend the rest of my life with", and mean it. Sure, what you describe is shallow... but everybody has things they require of their partner which are shallow. That doesn't make you a bad person -- it just makes you a person. It sounds to me like you should end it with him, and move on. If you do care about him and want him to be happy as well, then you should be able to recognize that he deserves to be with somebody who thinks the world of him, and who DOES respect what he brings to the table.
BUENG1 Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I wish my bf and I weren't in the same field, because constantly competing means I am constantly winning and therefore constantly losing respect for him. If he were a doctor or a lawyer or a garbage man I wouldn't daily be faced with the knowledge that I am better at him at his calling. But no, he has to do exactly the same thing I do, and not as well. And while I try hard at work, this isn't even what I "want to do with my life", and I believe I have talent in other areas. For him, this is it. I know it's shallow that this bothers me. After all, he's pretty smart for being in this profession in the first place, and if he were doing anything else, I'd never even have had an opportunity to judge his intelligence against my own. But I can't seem to get over it. I've always wanted to be with someone I could admire, but that's hard to do when I know I am better at everything except being a nice person than he is. I genuinely care about him, I'm attracted to him, I miss him now that we're long-distance, but somewhere in the back of my mind is always the thought that I need to end it, soon, cause I'm settling. In a world where so many people make such s!htty partners, isn't it so messed up for me to think like this? How do I get over it? Cause I want to; it's tainting my feelings. How would you characterize the way you've treated your boyfriend in this relationship.
allanDR Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 It's not related to our relationship, but I'm still having trouble letting go of the sneaking thought that I could do "better". Better not in terms of how someone treats me, or how compatible we are, but how talented/ intelligent/ good-looking/ practical/ athletic he is. I just feel like outscore him in every single one of these categories, and that bothers me. On the other hand, he brings sanity and people skills to the table. It's a shame I never valued those things. Then dump him. Just don't go running back to him when your dream man with the amazing body and 7 figure salary cheats on you because he could do better. Why are you sticking around with this guy anyway? He must make you happy in some way. If you're not happy with him any more, then leave. That should really be all that matters.
Author spookie Posted September 9, 2008 Author Posted September 9, 2008 Is this thought process something that has creeped in since you have been long distance, or have you always felt this way about him? I've always felt this way. It's just how my mind works. On one hand, you do need to respect the person you are with. If you don't respect him then you probably will treat him accordingly (if not now, then down the road). If there is no way to shift your focus, and you have absolutely no respect for him, then maybe ending it is best. I don't have "absolultely" no respect for him. I respect him for his ethics, the way he treats his friends and family, and the kind of partner he has been, and will continue to be, to me. It's just the settling issue. Every day I feel more strongly about him but also gaining strength is the force that makes me feel like I should end it cause I'm settling, before I get too attached. The other side is the issue of "settling" that you mentioned. The list you gave (intelligent/practical/athletic/etc) is kind of a tall order, I think. If you reject your current boyfriend for not meeting this list of requirements, you could go on to reject many other men for the same reasons, and none of them speak to a person's capacity to function in a healthy relationship. You could, then, meet the person who IS everything on that list, but who is also narcissistic, abusive, or completely insane... I have rejected lots of men for the same reasons. I've only met one who IMO was "better" than me in these regards, and he WAS narcissistic AND completely insane. My point with the last paragraph is that no one is perfect. In theory you could ALWAYS do better, but will you actually find that ideal person? Probably not. The best you can do is find someone who is a big piece of your ideal and treats you well. You have to learn to accept them for what they are. Can you accept him for who he is and respect him for that, at least? Of course it's all about compromise and accepting someone for who they are. In theory I understand this. I am also aware of the high probability that I will not find someone "better" whom I can also have a happy relationship with. But is it a good idea to commit when I am only 22 and already having these doubts? That's what I want to know: whether my doubts are acceptable and I should take them into consideration, or whether I'm being a shallow whore.
wareagle Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I think you said it best when you said "I'm being a shallow whore". Just my opinion!
Ruby Slippers Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 spookie, you have been questioning your relationship a lot. Is it feasible for you to see a counselor to talk about some of your concerns?
stefspets Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Whether the right thing to do is to stay with him or leave him, I don't think these doubts make you shallow. If the underlying issue is that you don't want to be committed at 22 then break up with him. If you're not happy with him, then break up with him. If you ARE happy then I think you are just fabricating reasons to leave him and not feel guilty about it ("I had to leave him, I was settling."). Maybe you're trying to protect yourself from getting hurt. Maybe there is some other reason that I can't guess here. If I am even remotely close with this, and you choose to break up with him for the reasons you've given, I think you will continue to repeat the pattern. At some point you will have to learn to change your perception in practice (not just in theory, as you've said you understand). I think the point about being committed at 22 is somewhat irrelevant. If you're happy, why not go with it? Many relationships don't last and it's impossible to say what will happen, but at least you can learn from the experience.
Tomcat33 Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 You are no more shallow than the guy who's g/f gained weight and he is no longer attracted to her dispite all her great qualities. If he can't admire her the attraction will die. Spook sometimes we DO outgrow our partners and our relationships. People should grow together in relationships but sometimes we just don't. If one person seems to progress in certain areas and the other stagnates this can create a lot of friction and actually distance two people. Have you discussed this with him in a non threatening way, maybe suggest career paths for him or encourage him to take a night course or something to further his aspirations? And is he open to that kind of thing? Do you express your admiration for goals and also share with him where you see the two of you in a few year's time? Sometimes by talking of future plans it can be a nonthreatening way of telling him, "this is the life I see for me and us in X amount of years" You don't have to define it but maybe he doesn't even realise that his lack of ambition is a turn off to you. If none of that matters and there is something deeper going on here, if you feel there is someone better for you out there then you should not be tied down to one guy right now. In my experience when you admire and love everything about the man you are with you are not even thinking of what else could be out there because in your head he can't be topped.
Mahatma Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 You are no more shallow than the guy who's g/f gained weight and he is no longer attracted to her dispite all her great qualities. If he can't admire her the attraction will die. From what I understand, she knew his position already. In a case where a woman gains weight, that is something that was unexpected and happened midway through the relationship. He did not just decide he was working too hard and just got an easier job. If this is a case where he is losing motivation in his career, I can understand why THAT would be a problem and I would not call that shallow.
Author spookie Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 You are no more shallow than the guy who's g/f gained weight and he is no longer attracted to her dispite all her great qualities. If he can't admire her the attraction will die. Spook sometimes we DO outgrow our partners and our relationships. People should grow together in relationships but sometimes we just don't. If one person seems to progress in certain areas and the other stagnates this can create a lot of friction and actually distance two people. Have you discussed this with him in a non threatening way, maybe suggest career paths for him or encourage him to take a night course or something to further his aspirations? And is he open to that kind of thing? Do you express your admiration for goals and also share with him where you see the two of you in a few year's time? Sometimes by talking of future plans it can be a nonthreatening way of telling him, "this is the life I see for me and us in X amount of years" You don't have to define it but maybe he doesn't even realise that his lack of ambition is a turn off to you. If none of that matters and there is something deeper going on here, if you feel there is someone better for you out there then you should not be tied down to one guy right now. In my experience when you admire and love everything about the man you are with you are not even thinking of what else could be out there because in your head he can't be topped. The thing is, we haven't been together long enough for either of us to have stagnated. It's only been four months. I've just realized in that time that I'm more competent than him at what both of us do, and more disturbingly I catch on much faster. I know everyone is entitled to an opinion re: what they are attracted to, but the reason I think I'm being overly shallow is because by EVERYONE else's standards, he is really successful. Suggesting a night class/ sharing goals isn't really applicable here, since his goal is to be moderately rich, something easily accomplished in the field we're both in, that we're BOTH good enough at to succeed at. It's not like I'm a high-powered executive dating a pothead with no ambition; I'm judging him for being worse than me at freaking high-level math and programming skills. How is that applicable to our lives? I think my family has done such an awesome job brainwashing me to be sexist that I've come to expect that I should be weaker and dumber than my man. But in this R, I'm not, I wear the pants in everything we do but sex. He's there for me, and an awesome partner, but it's my conlusions, decisions, and answers I trust, not his. And I guess that's what's lacking.
Angel1111 Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 A smart woman needs an even smarter man. This is bugging you because you know you can't trust his judgement. It isn't a minor thing and it will become a huge issue if you marry him.
carhill Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Spookie, pardon me in advance if I haven't been keeping up....your BF is a male dancer and you feel you're superior to him in nearly every way, especially in your profession? OK, yeah, perhaps that does sound shallow, but I think I know what you mean. I've had similar thoughts/feelings, but more in the intellectual and emotional awareness plane, and they really do affect my ability to love and find someone attractive. The reality is one of acceptance. I can't alter the reality of the other person, so I can only choose to alter my perception of them and the relational dynamic, or I can choose to let them go. All of it really resides within myself. What do you think? And please correct me about the profession part, if necessary
Author spookie Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 Shallow or not, this is how you feel. You won't stop being bothered by it just because people tell you should stop. You used the word "settling". It sounds to me that you're contemplating settling for somebody that you SHOULD be happy with. And that, I'm sorry to say, is a recipe for divorce, or infidelity. You don't say in your post that you love him, or that you're in love with him. You say that you care about him, you're attracted to him, and you miss him due to the long distance thing. I expect that you can't look at him and say to yourself "this is the guy I WANT to spend the rest of my life with", and mean it. Sure, what you describe is shallow... but everybody has things they require of their partner which are shallow. That doesn't make you a bad person -- it just makes you a person. It sounds to me like you should end it with him, and move on. If you do care about him and want him to be happy as well, then you should be able to recognize that he deserves to be with somebody who thinks the world of him, and who DOES respect what he brings to the table. The thing is, I AM happy. But maybe I'm just generally happy with my life, and he just happens to be in it. On the other hand, maybe that's the whole point: finding someone compatible with a happy life for you. Which he definitely is. I don't know if I love him yet, because it hasn't been all that long and I've made a point to take it slow. But I know I've never felt so content and secure, that the sex is fantastic, and that I love spending time with him and being close to him. I think those are great indicators of a healthy relationship.
Tomcat33 Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 From what I understand, she knew his position already. In a case where a woman gains weight, that is something that was unexpected and happened midway through the relationship. He did not just decide he was working too hard and just got an easier job. A guy and a girl could be highschool sweethearts that met working at MacDonalds they fall in love and start going out in a year she starts to plan to go to college he decides he wanst to stay at MacDonalds. She starts to have other aspirations other goals for herself she will want to start running in new circles of people, learning new things discovering more things about herself, while he is happy making fries at MacDonalds. You can't deny that would put a bit of a strain in the relationship and yet she knew him when they both made fries together at Micky Ds. It's the same thing. Not being able to get past weight gain in a partner to the point that you feel you outgrew how you see and feel for them is the same in this case. Spook seems to be outgrowing him.
Tomcat33 Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 The thing is, I AM happy. But maybe I'm just generally happy with my life, and he just happens to be in it. On the other hand, maybe that's the whole point: finding someone compatible with a happy life for you. Which he definitely is. I don't know if I love him yet, because it hasn't been all that long and I've made a point to take it slow. But I know I've never felt so content and secure, that the sex is fantastic, and that I love spending time with him and being close to him. I think those are great indicators of a healthy relationship. Well then what's the problem here!?!? You know how many single people would kill to be in your shoes?
Jilly Bean Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Spookie - I think this whole topic is just a smoke screen to hide your intimacy issues since he is a good guy, a nice guy, a decent guy, and someone stable that doesn't bring the drama. You miss having chaos in your life. With your past life and those that came with it, drama and turmoil was everywhere you looked. You thrived on it. I think your midnight pot run was you acting out of feeling too *safe* and I think this line of thinking is more of the same vein. So, I don't think this issue is really the problem, it's you feeling bored being with someone that treats you well and doesn't bring life drama.
Author spookie Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 Spookie, pardon me in advance if I haven't been keeping up....your BF is a male dancer and you feel you're superior to him in nearly every way, especially in your profession? OK, yeah, perhaps that does sound shallow, but I think I know what you mean. I've had similar thoughts/feelings, but more in the intellectual and emotional awareness plane, and they really do affect my ability to love and find someone attractive. The reality is one of acceptance. I can't alter the reality of the other person, so I can only choose to alter my perception of them and the relational dynamic, or I can choose to let them go. All of it really resides within myself. What do you think? And please correct me about the profession part, if necessary A male dancer? LMAO. I cleaned up my act and became an actuary, carhill. That's what bf and I both are. That would have been hilarious, though. I agree with you that the trick is acceptance. I guess I was just looking for opinions on how other women would feel in my position, given the facts. And insight from people who have been there. I'm sure there's someone here who feels somewhat "superior" in all those ways to their otherwise wonderful SO. (I warned y'all, this is an extremely shallow thread.) How did you deal with it? Did you come to accept it and "settle", did you give it more time until you were further in love, did you marry him only to get divorced?
carhill Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 I remember, as a child, going to the first Mikey D's franchise ever opened. The owner's son was the fry flipper. I think he (the son) owns a half dozen now, including the one in our town. Fry flippers can become store managers and corporate executives. I know plenty who have, many without college educations. I never flipped fries. Maybe I should have
Tomcat33 Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Spookie, pardon me in advance if I haven't been keeping up....your BF is a male dancer and you feel you're superior to him in nearly every way, especially in your profession? I thought the same thing but wasn't sure if it was cool to ask.
rod_in_gtown Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 But is it a good idea to commit when I am only 22 and already having these doubts? That's what I want to know: whether my doubts are acceptable and I should take them into consideration, or whether I'm being a shallow whore. Please don't take this response as a personal attack because I don't really know you. I want to offer you some perspective based on the other posts I've seen you post and based on some of my observations and experiences from when I was your age. You're at the age when people think they're better than everyone else out there. Old people make no sense and their experience is not worth the time it takes to listen to them. You're not ready to commit, chances are you're not nearly halfway as good as the other people in your industry, you have a drug problem, and engage in self destructive behavior (from your 420 post). What industry are you in? How are you better than him at it? I find that I have to respect what my SO does in order to be interested in them to begin with. But to me relationships are not about who's better at what. People take the consumer approach when it comes to relationship and then they're surprised when the people they're with do the same (Newer younger models come out so out with the old and in with the new). The whole "Settling" mentallity of so many women out there is most "unsettling"
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