pinkberry7 Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Hi Everyone, I recently wrote a post a couple days ago (see 'complicated situation' for background story) about a guy that I really liked. I was so confused as to what was going on with him that i decided to finally sit down and talk to him. We talked last night and he actually seemed relieved that I wanted to talk. He said he's been meaning to talk to me for a while, but was not sure how to bring it up (we work together w/ kids so it would be kinda innapropriate) so anyway he basically said that he was felt guilty and didnt want me to think he was leading me on. He said that he thinks i'm 'amazing' and his best friend at work and he still has feelings for me. There's a lot of changes going on in his life right now and he said that he knows he's not ready for a serious relationship "right now." He said that he would like something with me in the future and thinks that there is definite potential, but right now is just bad timing. I told him i understood and of course I would love to be his friend and support him in what he's going through. He left and later called me that night and we talked for almost an hour about how everything else was going in our lives. I told him I was really glad we finally talked about us and he felt the same way and that not talking to me about it had been "weighing him down." I still obviously have intense feelings for him and I want to give him space and time to deal with these issues he's going through. My question is, do you think that he was BSing me about "not being ready for a relationship" and is just not that into me? Or do you think there is truth to it? Also, since implied that there is potential for us in the future and he emphasized not being ready "right now" should I keep waiting for him until he's ready. I am trying to keep my options open and talking to someone else right now, but I just don't feel the way about him as I do with this guy.
paddington bear Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I got a similar talk recently - I don't want to lose you, but I'm not ready for a relationship right now, I'm not saying that my feelings won't change in the future, but right now now, my life is too complicated.... I was given the option to stay friends with this person or never talk to them again. I chose to stay friends, however that was probably a bad choice. Now I get to watch him flirt with other girls, hear about dates that went wrong. IMO 'I don't want a relationship right now' means 'I don't want a relationship with YOU'. I'm going to have to have another talk with him and say something like 'while I'm fine with us being friends, right now it doesn't do my self-esteem much good to hear about your other conquests'...not looking forward to that little conversation, but it's either that or not be friends any more, or for me to meet someone who is 'ready for a relationship'. Are there any men out there who are? It seems to me that as soon as a guy actually likes you for your personality (as opposed to just no strings attached sex) they think 'uh oh if I get involved with her it means a relationship' and then they run away. I wonder sometimes how anyone actually has a relationship with a man, or indeed actually gets married. It seems like an utter impossibility to me. I've heard over the years: I'm not ready for relationship/commitment. I'm a lone wolf (seriously!!!) Relationships come and go, friends are forever And the next thing you know, they're married/engaged/in long term relationship with someone else. Don't cling on to that little spark of hope when he said he didn't want a serious relationship "right now", or you'll end up hanging on in there, putting your life on hold until he's ready. He may never be ready (I mean, he might very well be one day, but if you keep that thought in your head and it doesn't come to pass, you will have wasted a lot of time on something that was never going to happen anyway).
Lucky555 Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 He likes you as a friend and doesn't want things to be weird at work. He doesn't want a relationship with you. His feelings are not of romantic love and are more so friendly love. If he wanted you he would be clear that he wants you. Guys no matter how busy they are or how complicated their life is......will be interested in girls and will want a gf. If you can be friends then do so...I had a sit down with a guy that i was hanging out with and he said he was not ready for a relationship. I found the whole time he was hanging out with me that he was looking for single girls on facebook. Yeah i snooped but it was justice for me to know the truth. All that time he was hanging out with me he was looking for other girls. That really upset me because he pursued me and was doing this the whole time apparently. I didn't know because i had no reason to distrust him. I don't think you want to go through this. He doesn't know that i know but i found this out after i broke it off. Prior to that he was just not being clear with what was going on between us and it was time for the talk. I occasionally say hi to the guy now but i have blocked him and i am not good friends with him either so yeah. I know where u are at and believe me its best you stay away and find someone else who can give you what you want and deserve.
djhall Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 To argue the other side, there could be unusual circumstances where this would be legit. I'm studying for my bar exam next month, I'm in my last semester of grad school and working full time too, the warden says I should get out on parole next year. The key to me is that someone who has legitimate need to focus on getting their s**t together or to focus on other areas of their life exclusively usually isn't in a position to be running around dating or pursuing other relationships, except maybe for a booty-call or FWB.
audrey_1 Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I got a similar talk recently - I don't want to lose you, but I'm not ready for a relationship right now, I'm not saying that my feelings won't change in the future, but right now now, my life is too complicated.... I was given the option to stay friends with this person or never talk to them again. I chose to stay friends, however that was probably a bad choice. Now I get to watch him flirt with other girls, hear about dates that went wrong. IMO 'I don't want a relationship right now' means 'I don't want a relationship with YOU'. I'm going to have to have another talk with him and say something like 'while I'm fine with us being friends, right now it doesn't do my self-esteem much good to hear about your other conquests'...not looking forward to that little conversation, but it's either that or not be friends any more, or for me to meet someone who is 'ready for a relationship'. Are there any men out there who are? It seems to me that as soon as a guy actually likes you for your personality (as opposed to just no strings attached sex) they think 'uh oh if I get involved with her it means a relationship' and then they run away. I wonder sometimes how anyone actually has a relationship with a man, or indeed actually gets married. It seems like an utter impossibility to me. Don't cling on to that little spark of hope when he said he didn't want a serious relationship "right now", or you'll end up hanging on in there, putting your life on hold until he's ready. He may never be ready (I mean, he might very well be one day, but if you keep that thought in your head and it doesn't come to pass, you will have wasted a lot of time on something that was never going to happen anyway). He likes you as a friend and doesn't want things to be weird at work. He doesn't want a relationship with you. His feelings are not of romantic love and are more so friendly love. If he wanted you he would be clear that he wants you. Guys no matter how busy they are or how complicated their life is......will be interested in girls and will want a gf. If you can be friends then do so...I had a sit down with a guy that i was hanging out with and he said he was not ready for a relationship. I found the whole time he was hanging out with me that he was looking for single girls on facebook. Yeah i snooped but it was justice for me to know the truth. All that time he was hanging out with me he was looking for other girls. That really upset me because he pursued me and was doing this the whole time apparently. I didn't know because i had no reason to distrust him. I don't think you want to go through this. He doesn't know that i know but i found this out after i broke it off. Prior to that he was just not being clear with what was going on between us and it was time for the talk. I occasionally say hi to the guy now but i have blocked him and i am not good friends with him either so yeah. I know where u are at and believe me its best you stay away and find someone else who can give you what you want and deserve. Listen to all of this. All of the above mirrors my exact situation. I ended it yesterday, and when he said he wanted me to "keep him in the loop" and to "keep a dialogue" of friendship, I politely declined, telling him if he was curious about my life, he could ask me or check my facebook page. It's not my job to keep him updated about $hit in my life. And I'm still not sure whether he gets to stay on my facebook page. I have many other friends; I don't need his friendship. If he had been very upfront with his lack of feelings for me, instead of leading me on for a year with very mixed signals, it might be different, but he did. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t163689/ So he had to go.
stefspets Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I think that it's very rare for there to be real extenuating circumstances that would make someone say they're not in a place to have a relationship. If he's been through something traumatic or has an extremely busy schedule (for some temporary thing, as mentioned) then I might believe him. Otherwise I think you would just be making excuses for him in order to delude yourself.
djhall Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I wonder sometimes how anyone actually has a relationship with a man, or indeed actually gets married. It seems like an utter impossibility to me. Contrary to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it's extremely difficult. Iif you're a woman, and you want to have a successful relationship with a guy, the two tips to remember are: 1. Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. The guy will not realize this on his own. You have to plant the idea in his brain by constantly making subtle references to it in your everyday conversation, such as: ''Roger, would you mind passing me a Sweet 'n' Low, inasmuch as we have a relationship?'' ''Wake up, Roger! There's a prowler in the den and we have a relationship! You and I do, I mean.'' ''Good News, Roger! The gynecologist says we're going to have our fourth child, which will serve as yet another indication that we have a relationship!'' ''Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we probably have only about a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a wonderful 53 years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a relationship.'' Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and eventually it will start to penetrate the guy's brain. Some day he might even start thinking about it on his own. He'll be talking with some other guys about women, and, out of the blue, he'll say, ''Elaine and I, we have, ummm . . . We have, ahhh...We... We have this thing.'' And he will sincerely mean it. 2. Do not expect the guy to make a hasty commitment. By ''hasty,'' I mean, ''within your lifetime.'' Guys are extremely reluctant to make commitments. This is because they never feel ready. ''I'm sorry,'' guys are always telling women, ''but I'm just not ready to make a commitment.'' Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350- degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving. (Shamelessly plagarized, but your post reminded me of it)
paddington bear Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Listen to all of this. All of the above mirrors my exact situation. I ended it yesterday, and when he said he wanted me to "keep him in the loop" and to "keep a dialogue" of friendship, I politely declined, telling him if he was curious about my life, If he had been very upfront with his lack of feelings for me, instead of leading me on for a year with very mixed signals, it might be different, but he did. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t163689/ So he had to go. Just read your other post Audrey...poor you, that's really crappy. After all that time you invested and he really seemed to not give a s**t. At least my 'friend' initiated the 'let's be friends talk' and told me he'd understand if I never wanted to speak to him or see him again, but he hoped I would - this made me think, ok well at least he's been upfront and honest with me, there was no leading down the garden path, but still...best not to see too much of him methinks, you can't un-invest emotionally when you're seeing someone all the time. Hope you're feeling better.
paddington bear Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 ''Roger, would you mind passing me a Sweet 'n' Low, inasmuch as we have a relationship?'' ''Wake up, Roger! There's a prowler in the den and we have a relationship! You and I do, I mean.'' ''Good News, Roger! The gynecologist says we're going to have our fourth child, which will serve as yet another indication that we have a relationship!'' ''Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we probably have only about a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a wonderful 53 years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a relationship.'' Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and eventually it will start to penetrate the guy's brain. Some day he might even start thinking about it on his own. He'll be talking with some other guys about women, and, out of the blue, he'll say, ''Elaine and I, we have, ummm . . . We have, ahhh...We... We have this thing.'' And he will sincerely mean it. 2. Do not expect the guy to make a hasty commitment. By ''hasty,'' I mean, ''within your lifetime.'' Guys are extremely reluctant to make commitments. This is because they never feel ready. ''I'm sorry,'' guys are always telling women, ''but I'm just not ready to make a commitment.'' Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350- degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving. (Shamelessly plagarized, but your post reminded me of it) Ha ha ha ! Well, someone's finally explained it to me! Thanks!
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