Seperated ? or not

[so gutted]

this is it - we havnt dated as yet - we just talk at his place

[Lucky_One]

So what does he do to set up these times of "talking" at his place?

 

(And I will ask again. How old are you? Don't you know better than to go talk at some guy's place rather than believe that you should be wooed before you jump into bed with him??? Damn, I feel like your mother or something.)

[marlena]

Yes maybe she is due to return. None of this fits together. He also refers to her as his wife - not his ex wife.

 

 

 

Because she is still his wife.

 

But when asked about this he didnt get angry/look shifty he just spoke about it as if it was a past problem. Either he is an expert liar or there is a grain of truth.

 

Is a grain of truth enough for you? I think not.

 

This may explain why he doesnt really call much.

 

 

 

He's not interested in anything serious with you. I am sorry to be so blunt but when a man is into a woman he shows it in a million different ways and calling daily is one of them.

 

As for whether or not he is truly separated or not, I'd be very,very wary about this. She could be away for any reason or they could just be taking a break.

 

My advice to you would be not to invest a thing on this man. Not one single emotion. Perhaps the wisest thing to do is stop seeing him until you know for a fact that he is divorcing his wife. Until that divorce is final, anything could happen.

 

Good luck!

[so gutted]

im 33. obviously i do not know better.

 

good advice but how do i find out if his divorce is final.

 

We just chat mostly at his place. we get along well.

 

he didnt seem insistent on sex.

 

I have nevr felt unsafe with him.

 

i feel he is being judged unfairly here - why would he bother with me at all if he was getting diroced or waiting for his wife?

[so gutted]

im meeting him today - i want to at least discuss this....i dont mind kissing but nothing else

[Lucky_One]

You go the courthouse. But until he tells you that he is divorced, there is no reason to go there. He is separated - you just don't know if he is separated by distance or separated by emotions or separated by legalities. And you won't find that out hanging out at his place.

 

He didn't seem insistent on sex, but you still tried to have it. Well then, which one of you made the move to the bed? One of you must have wanted it.

 

Gutted, do you want to date someone? To have a good, healthy adult R? Or do you just want guys to get you to come hang out at their place without them making an effort to see you? Teenagers hang out at malls, bc they are silly and young.

 

We are about the same age, and I would never have let a guy get me to a bed without going out in public, having dinner, going to a movie, taking long walks. Do you value yourself?

[Lucky_One]

im meeting him today - i want to at least discuss this....i dont mind kissing but nothing else

 

Where are you meeting him? At a restaurant? At a bar?

[so gutted]

meeting him outside work.

 

i need to approavh this properly - i dont want to end on this suspicious note....i want to try and communicate

[marlena]

SG,

 

In order for communication to be achieved, all parties have to want to communicate, be open to it and strive towards it. One can not do it alone. After all, the word itself implies a two-way give and take of ideas,thoughts,feelings etc..

 

Your friend seems very unwilling to communicate anything concrete to you. His laissez-faire,nonchalant,let-it-slide attitude is very telling IMO.

 

Again, I do not think that he will provide you with the REAL answers that you are looking for.

[gd26]

I recently got burned by a separated man. He was a good guy, but was recently separated and not able to provide me what I needed. He told me later that he hadn't recovered from the breakup of his marriage, and couldn't offer me much emotionally. I have learned my lesson the hard way about not getting emotionally involved with a separated man. Please listen to what everyone else is telling you and save your heart.

[Lucky_One]

meeting him outside work.

 

i need to approavh this properly - i dont want to end on this suspicious note....i want to try and communicate

 

And what are you going to say when he suggests going to his place?

 

End on a suspicious note - you are watching too much CSI. (Or not enough, maybe! LOL!) All you have to do is tell him that you don't want to get intimately involved with someone who is still married. That you would like to date if and when he is legally divorced.

[so gutted]

I think its a bit far fetched saying that i do not want to get involved until your divorced - who will be the loser in that situation - me ??

 

I did meet him. It was pleasant enough. He again mentioned his EX wife...i m glad he has at least used the word ex.

 

He also said that too much water under the bridge etc...

 

why does he always bring it up?

 

i saw some appliances - which were not normal bachelor type appliances - and he mentioned that they were from his marraige.

 

He talks about it very freely.

 

Im not sure i can walk out based on this......ok yes logic would dictate that wait for a piece of paper that says divorce...but in reality i think i am just getting the truth....he doesnt seem bitter.

 

If he was hiding something - why would he bring it up?

[so gutted]

I recently got burned by a separated man. He was a good guy, but was recently separated and not able to provide me what I needed. He told me later that he hadn't recovered from the breakup of his marriage, and couldn't offer me much emotionally. I have learned my lesson the hard way about not getting emotionally involved with a separated man. Please listen to what everyone else is telling you and save your heart.

 

 

did this guy talk about his marraige ?

[so gutted]

SG,

 

In order for communication to be achieved, all parties have to want to communicate, be open to it and strive towards it. One can not do it alone. After all, the word itself implies a two-way give and take of ideas,thoughts,feelings etc..

 

Your friend seems very unwilling to communicate anything concrete to you. His laissez-faire,nonchalant,let-it-slide attitude is very telling IMO.

 

Again, I do not think that he will provide you with the REAL answers that you are looking for.

 

he has been open about it - the communication is missing on where me and him are going - because i dont think we know ourselves yet. I found myself glad that he is going away for a week soon - so maybe im not that invested in him....

[marlena]

the communication is missing on where me and him are going -

 

If he were on the same page as you, then, you would know where you are both going. You would not be riddled with doubts.

 

Most likely, if things were different, you would have no questions. None at all.

 

You'd feel secure and content and the both of you would bond more and more each day.

 

That simple.

[so gutted]

I have never felt that secure in any relationship - im not sure that this is realistic.

 

But - my gut feeling says something isnt right. At weekends he avoids me - and then contacts me on sunday to say that he slept all weekend or was busy etc etc.....why avoid me ?

 

 

I am also not sure enough to let him go on this basis alone.

[Shygirl15]

But - my gut feeling says something isnt right. At weekends he avoids me - and then contacts me on sunday to say that he slept all weekend or was busy etc etc.....why avoid me ?

 

Apart from his puzzling 'separated' status, he's seeing other women, SG.

[so gutted]

possibly - and because i am a love addict i refuse to see it.

 

But could he be avoiding me becasue he doesnt want to get serious yet. Also i know where he lives and works i could catch him out so he is playing a stupid game.

 

I have no proof of this.

 

What i dont get is why string me along when i have told him blatently that i dont want a fling?

[so gutted]

I think the penny is dropping.

 

I dont want to waste time on this guy. Something isnt right.

 

I actually do think i am worth more then this. I have given him a chance and he is still leaving me in limbo. He hasnt made an effort to see me, and he doesnt take me out. I think i just like his look, his appeal, and am ignoring the signs.

 

I can hang around him all i like, he hasnt given me any indication of things improving.

 

Romance is dead.

 

I think i crave a man of his looks/education background - THAT ACTUALLY BOTHERS TO DATE ME....

 

I have been taken in my his looks......

 

Im not sure what to do tho.

[paddington bear]

I have never felt that secure in any relationship - im not sure that this is realistic.

 

But - my gut feeling says something isnt right. At weekends he avoids me - and then contacts me on sunday to say that he slept all weekend or was busy etc etc.....why avoid me ?

 

 

I am also not sure enough to let him go on this basis alone.

 

I think the penny is dropping.

 

I dont want to waste time on this guy. Something isnt right.

 

I actually do think i am worth more then this. I have given him a chance and he is still leaving me in limbo. He hasnt made an effort to see me, and he doesnt take me out. I think i just like his look, his appeal, and am ignoring the signs.

 

I can hang around him all i like, he hasnt given me any indication of things improving.

 

Romance is dead.

 

I think i crave a man of his looks/education background - THAT ACTUALLY BOTHERS TO DATE ME....

 

I have been taken in my his looks......

 

Im not sure what to do tho.

 

Marlena is right. It should be simple, easy, no doubts - all of my happily coupled up friends say that is was easy, simple with no doubts. They knew the guy liked them, they liked the guy, end of story.

 

As to your posts above. You say the penny is dropping, bad gut feeling and then end with 'I'm not sure what to do'. If you're not up to having a big conversation along the lines of 'I'm not sure whether we're dating or what is going on here, but it all seems a little off to me and I'd rather we put a stop to it for now' - then, instead just very sweetly pull back. Smile, be nice, be friendly but subtly pull away.

 

I suspect from what you've written that he won't come running after you thinking 'oh no, I'm losing her', but at least you get to end things without any big drama. Keep reminding yourself that he doesn't see you at weekends, and is most likely seeing other women (who he probably is taking out for dinner and wooing properly), that should give you the wake up call you need. Nice and all as he is, do you really want to get involved with someone in such a strange and confused situation anyway? (just trying to think of things to make you genuinely think 'forget him' and mean it!! )

[so gutted]

As to your posts above. You say the penny is dropping, bad gut feeling and then end with 'I'm not sure what to do'. If you're not up to having a big conversation along the lines of 'I'm not sure whether we're dating or what is going on here, but it all seems a little off to me and I'd rather we put a stop to it for now' - then, instead just very sweetly pull back. Smile, be nice, be friendly but subtly pull away.]

 

So you think i should confront him?

 

I suspect from what you've written that he won't come running after you thinking 'oh no, I'm losing her', but at least you get to end things without any big drama. Keep reminding yourself that he doesn't see you at weekends, and is most likely seeing other women (who he probably is taking out for dinner and wooing properly), that should give you the wake up call you need. Nice and all as he is, do you really want to get involved with someone in such a strange and confused situation anyway? (just trying to think of things to make you genuinely think 'forget him' and mean it!! )

 

I think he is just stingy - he doesnt want to woo....and that in itself annoys me.

 

I think the penny is dropping, im quite annoyed. Im annoyed at myself and him.

 

I think subtly pull away is a very very good piece of advice. Let him wonder what went wrong maybe?

 

It was all wrong to start with, he was keeping in contact - but the minimum. I really do not believe he is as busy as he makes out. Also, he was online and he mentioned at the beginning that monogomy was boring....possibly he had an affair and teh marrauge ended?

 

He didnt correct me when i said i wanted a relationship....he should have said - "i dont want a relationship".

 

Also - he is a good kisser but does not turn me on at all in other places. I have to admit this. He is a good kisser but a sh_t lover and thats coming from me!!!!!!!he actaully thinks he is brilliant but he really isnt.....its amazing how wrong his techniques are...

 

Despite all this - i still want to have a discussion with him.....question his integrity ......

[paddington bear]

Don't be annoyed at yourself. You saw a guy who you were attracted to and hoped something would come of it. Pity the stupid guy isn't playing along though.

 

And, I've said this before. I HATE the word busy (see how I capitalised and emboldened that?!). No one is that busy. Busy is a lovely word guys use so they don't have to specify what they've been doing, it encompasses everything and nothing. A text message saying 'thinking of you, will call when have time' takes what? 1 minute or so to write and send.

 

I've completely reversed my original opinion of this situation. Monogomy is boring. Big red flag. Him mostly calling his ex wife 'my wife' another big red flag. Him not seeing you at the weekends, yes you've guessed it.

 

If you can get yourself into a mental space where you genuinely don't feel rejected and don't care what the answer is, you can then just ask 'so what's up with all your wife's things in your house and you calling her your wife instead of your ex? Are you really separated?' But ONLY when the answer won't hurt you, more so you can solve a riddle. But will you care by that stage when you're dating some lovely guy who isn't ladened down with lots of emotional baggage and isn't only showing just enough interest to keep you hooked. No you won't. You won't even look back!

[so gutted]

this is it - the lovely guys do this....

 

this is one of the better ones....

 

after he said monogomy is boring i said - so is sleeping around....he agreed....he knows where i stand on this issue...yet he hasnt corrected me.

 

most of my relationships last a few dates...this has lasted 4.....and its getting worse by the minute.

 

basically he has admitted seeing other women for one year....yet he isnt actually divorced.

 

I actually want to ask him why he avoids me at the weekends - i feel like he has got away with a lot. Who does he think he is?

 

He knows he is good looking - maybe thast why he does this,

 

I am pssd off with myself because i should know better. I made myself available to him - and in return all i get is weekday meetings - where he hints at me to leave.

 

How degrading. I went for attraction again and look where it got me.

[so gutted]

Busy - means he isnt into me.

 

Mental note taken.

[Shygirl15]

Can you leave it at that and not contact him anymore? I don't see how asking him for clarifications is going to help the situation, if not make you look desperate. He's a total jerk.