Seperated ? or not

[so gutted]

ok - the guy i have been 'seeing' - a few things im unsure about.

 

He hasnt actually got a full and final divorce. His marital status is seperated. He says he was married young, didnt know her well enough and after a while the realationship grew platonic. They are now seperated and in diferent countries.

 

I am just wondering how do i know this is true?

 

I saw her clothes in his wardrobe ( a seperate part of it) he says he is going to cargo them to her at some point. These were not every day clothes and he didnt act weird about this. I asked him if he wanted to get back with her. He said not.

 

Should i believe this?

 

He also asked me a lot of questions about my past relationships. I think it slipped that i had looked for a long term relationship. He mentionend that he want to see how it goes as its not long since he seperated (but they had grown apart before that). He has kept in contact but not be calling.

 

Today I texted him - very generally - he offered to meet tommorow. Did i do the right thing. i wasnt even texting to meet him - i just thought as he had made the first move so many times i should show some interest.......if he wanted to meet me wouldnt he have asked ???

 

i do like him and for once he actually compliments me. How do i get more info on the marraige situation or do i leave it be?

[shockandawed]

Since you are already seeing him, I think you let his actions speak louder than his words.

 

Since you have been in his bedroom, I assume you are having an intimate relationship. In my opinion, if this is the case, then he should be pretty easy to gauge.

 

Do you have free access to him? Can you call him whenever you wish, or do you have to wait for him to call? Do you go out in public freely or are your dates more like discreet encounters?

 

I don't see the point of badgering him at this stage. If there is intimacy, then I think you should have the terms of the relationship somewhat defined, are you exclusive, etc???

[so gutted]

yes there has been intimacy - but not sex.

 

There was an intial discussion about going exclusive - he siad what do you want to do? see each other, see what happens and then go exclusive?

 

If he was hiding something why would he let me in his flat?

 

We dont talk very often but ihave been to his place late at night, and a few times other then that - i cant see any day to day items of a woman living there.

 

He told me that if he knew her better he would not have married her. They were too different.

 

He also knows that i am after something more then a fling.

 

WE havnt been on a proper date. At this stage its just a few meetings.

 

How do i get to actually go out with him?

[Shygirl15]

Hello, there. I can see things are improving at least, which is very nice.

 

ok - the guy i have been 'seeing' - a few things im unsure about.

 

He hasnt actually got a full and final divorce. His marital status is seperated. He says he was married young, didnt know her well enough and after a while the realationship grew platonic. They are now seperated and in diferent countries.

 

I am just wondering how do i know this is true?

Separated. You may not be able to tell at this point if it's true or not. If he's still separated, better not get involved until his divorce is final.

 

I saw her clothes in his wardrobe ( a seperate part of it) he says he is going to cargo them to her at some point. These were not every day clothes and he didnt act weird about this. I asked him if he wanted to get back with her. He said not.

 

Should i believe this?

He could be saying the truth.

 

Today I texted him - very generally - he offered to meet tommorow. Did i do the right thing. i wasnt even texting to meet him - i just thought as he had made the first move so many times i should show some interest.......if he wanted to meet me wouldnt he have asked ???

But he asked to see you when you called, didn't he?

 

i do like him and for once he actually compliments me. How do i get more info on the marraige situation or do i leave it be?

 

Leave it be, or just simply leave him since he's still legally married also has emotional hang ups from his marriage. I could be wrong but from your previous threads, I have a hunch he'll break your heart down the line though. However final decision is up to you.

[so gutted]

I have that same hunch.

 

At this stage i probably dont want to walk away - just in case.

 

But something is wrong.

 

He has been honest (i think) by telling me repeatedly he has just got officially seperated and wants to see how it goes. He also said if it happens he isnt averse to it.?

 

But I can see him saying that we want different things - or he isnt "ready" a few weeks down the line ....when i get fed up of this...

 

Howver he has not yet said he just wants a casual thing.

 

Maybe the seperation is a good excuse for him to try and keep things non commital.

 

We arent even dating.

 

We get along well. Im trying to see him as a friend but then we have kissed etc.

 

What can i do?

 

Each time the marraige came up - through him not me, i just inserted a few questions in....

 

also he doesnt know my age yet........

[paddington bear]

I feel he's telling the truth. If not, he'd be hiding the fact that her things were in his wardrobe. Also relationships don't always end neatly and cleanly with both parties split for good and never contacting one another again. Maybe now that they're separated they have an easy relationship 'hey can I leave my stuff at your place until a later date?' 'Sure, no problem' - to me it's a sign of a healthy breakup. If they ended up in a platonic relationship, they were basically living together as a married couple, but really had turned into two friends, and why should that (albeit unconventional) friendship end now?

 

A cousin of mine separated from his wife, met someone else, went out with her for years, had a child with her and then only years later asked for a divorce because he and the new girlfriend finally decided to get married. Just because he didn't have that piece of paper didn't mean he wasn't ready to move on and commit to someone else - likewise his ex was (and is) happily living with another man, while still technically married to my cousin.

 

Don't fret about it. Don't hound him over it. He seems to like you, wants to see you and is trying to be honest about the nature of his relationship with his ex. You don't need all this information about her, about their previous relationship, too much information will only fuel any insecurities you have. You are seeing him now, not her and that's all you need to worry about, you and him.

[Shygirl15]

Ok, well then you know what, just deal with him carefully, don't invest too much emotionally. Put your guard up if you can, and see where it goes.

 

You may not find all answers about him right now, but only time will tell.

 

And what's up with the age thing? Is he too old?

[so gutted]

im 2.5 years older then him.....i put this on my profile a while ago - it hasnt come up...but i do feel i should correct this.....

 

thanks this is helpful.

 

it seems he wants to see me, he is keeping enough contact going...but not as much as im used too....but we arnt really dating - we are just meeting and talking a lot....?is this good or bad?

 

we have lots in common...

[Shygirl15]

I have the same scenario except that I decided to hold the romantic part until his divorce comes through, hopefully soon, so in the meantime we are just friends; we hang out and talk a lot. It doesn't really feel like dating, but I'm fine with it. I'm totally into him, lots of common interests, interesting conversations etc, but I'm keeping my guard up just incase. He's very communicative about everything that's going on with the divorce.

 

Well, you can tell him about the age when he asks, I think. It's not a big gap anyway.

[so gutted]

I have the same scenario except that I decided to hold the romantic part until his divorce comes through, hopefully soon, so in the meantime we are just friends; we hang out and talk a lot. It doesn't really feel like dating, but I'm fine with it. I'm totally into him, lots of common interests, interesting conversations etc, but I'm keeping my guard up just incase. He's very communicative about everything that's going on with the divorce.

 

Well, you can tell him about the age when he asks, I think. It's not a big gap anyway.

 

Interesting - i think you are dealing with it better.

 

Thing is i dont want to have sex with him yet - we had a "failed attempt" and i dont want to do it again at the moment because i have no clarity on where we are going - i want that much at least first. So how do i put off another attempt ? It was a sort of mutual attempt....

[so gutted]

I feel he's telling the truth. If not, he'd be hiding the fact that her things were in his wardrobe. Also relationships don't always end neatly and cleanly with both parties split for good and never contacting one another again. Maybe now that they're separated they have an easy relationship 'hey can I leave my stuff at your place until a later date?' 'Sure, no problem' - to me it's a sign of a healthy breakup. If they ended up in a platonic relationship, they were basically living together as a married couple, but really had turned into two friends, and why should that (albeit unconventional) friendship end now?]

 

But how do i know he isnt holding onto her things beacuse he wants to give it another go ? He did say she visited his last place a few months ago...

 

He also said she intiated the divorce ( why didnt he ?) they were apart for some time...

 

they were friends from childhood..

[Karma101]

I have to agree w/ ShyGirl's post. Be optimistically cautious. I just broke up with my "divorcing" BF after 9 months. Wife was in a relationship w/ another man for a well over a year during their separation. I had a key to his condo, free reign to anything in it and practically lived there. Final mediation was scheduled for tomorrow. They got back together late last week. Never saw it coming.

 

I, personally, will never become emotionally involved with a separated man again. Some lessons are learned the hard way.

[paddington bear]

 

But how do i know he isnt holding onto her things beacuse he wants to give it another go ? He did say she visited his last place a few months ago...

 

He also said she intiated the divorce ( why didnt he ?) they were apart for some time...

 

they were friends from childhood..

 

Ok, the thing is...you just can't know. If you ask him he will no doubt say that he's totally over the whole thing. Maybe he's not totally over her, but is trying to move on. After reading Karma's post I will back-track a bit (poor you Karma, that sounds utterly awful), but at the same time every situation is different.

 

I have a penpal (how quaint!) email pal in the states who was devastated over his divorce, wanted his wife back, but was dating nonetheless. He literally went from one week writing to me that he would never love someone else, to the next week meeting this girl, falling for her and saying he'd never even contemplate getting back with his ex. Maybe you are that new girl in the situation. However, I suppose, tread carefully and keep your ears and eyes open to any signals he sends you regarding his ex - as I said, I doubt any man is going to say to the woman he is seeing/dating 'I'm still in love with my ex', so there's no point asking.

[so gutted]

I have to agree w/ ShyGirl's post. Be optimistically cautious. I just broke up with my "divorcing" BF after 9 months. Wife was in a relationship w/ another man for a well over a year during their separation. I had a key to his condo, free reign to anything in it and practically lived there. Final mediation was scheduled for tomorrow. They got back together late last week. Never saw it coming.

 

I, personally, will never become emotionally involved with a separated man again. Some lessons are learned the hard way.

 

 

dam what an awful set of circumstances. But - looking back do you think any signs were there ?

[so gutted]

I have a penpal (how quaint!) email pal in the states who was devastated over his divorce, wanted his wife back, but was dating nonetheless. He literally went from one week writing to me that he would never love someone else, to the next week meeting this girl, falling for her and saying he'd never even contemplate getting back with his ex. Maybe you are that new girl in the situation. However, I suppose, tread carefully and keep your ears and eyes open to any signals he sends you regarding his ex - as I said, I doubt any man is going to say to the woman he is seeing/dating 'I'm still in love with my ex', so there's no point asking.

 

yes this could be his way of working out that he wants to be back with her...so if he brings it up again ( he refers to the whole thing as @i got married too young") do i ask questions, try and lightly probe more or not ?

[Karma101]

I did not see the signs. Maybe because I didn't want to? Never underestimate the emotional connection or power of the first wife, specifically if the separation is fairly new. My BF's wife never gave him reason to think that she wanted to work on their marriage during their separation. She told my BF that her "new" BF was her soul mate. Good grief. However, when it seemed clear that he was happy and in a relationship with someone who wanted what she 'had', she came running, and quick. In retrospect, the door for reconciliation was probably always open in his mind. I just don't think he thought she would ever come through that door.

 

In this situation, it is best to follow your head, not your heart. Divorces w/o children can be quick and easy. Mine took just a couple of months. Why is he not divorced yet?

[A.G.Doren]

I skipped some of the post in this thread. The main thing you need to worry about is whether or not the two of you want the same thing. Maybe he is over his Ex' does that mean he wants to be in a relationship with anyone just now? That's what you need to pay attention to.

[so gutted]

I have hinted that i dont want short term ....and he ahs said that he will see what happens...

 

i have given him a few opportunities to say i dont want anything serious right now....

[Lucky_One]

Be very cautious. I know a girl who was dating a guy who was separated with his wife in another country. He went back to that country to tell his wife he wanted a D, and sent one email back to my friend to say he wasn't getting a divorce and that he loved his wife. She could be visiting her family in another country for an extended time, and you could find yourself dumped when she returns.

 

As for sex? Practice some sex moves on your own, as talked about in your post about painful sex. It is sort of a fantasy of guys to teach and guide a virgin, but you seem to have some physical symptoms that aren't typical. You might want to get past some of your issues with that, as well as make a doctor's appt to make sure you don't have an actual physical issue.

[so gutted]

Yes maybe she is due to return. None of this fits together. He also refers to her as his wife - not his ex wife.

 

But when asked about this he didnt get angry/look shifty he just spoke about it as if it was a past problem. Either he is an expert liar or there is a grain of truth.

 

This may explain why he doesnt really call much. I dont think she is living there currently - all the doors were opena dn the bathroom didnt have any womens things.

 

He has also admitted to other lovers. So he may have had affairs and she found out OR they were apart and he had other women....

 

I just dont know.

 

We may be meeting today. I dont want to go down the sexual route at all with him, i want to keep it friendly until i have some sort of idea where this is going. so how do i communicate this?

[Lucky_One]

By not putting yourself into sexual situations?

[so gutted]

well im in a sexual sitiation now, i need to back track and not have actual sex, its too confusing and he hasnt been clear enough with me

[Lucky_One]

No. I mean not getting into situations where you start making out and fondling. If that means leaving separately from dinner instead of sharing a taxi to his place, then you just make excuses and leave separately. You limit the time and location of intimate moments.

 

You don't have to make a big discussion and say "I don't want to have sex with you now." You just make yourself unavailable for sexual activities.

[so gutted]

Ok - this may be hard because his place is very near to where I work and rather then hang around in the mall its easier to go to his place...so how do i stop it there? do i make some kind of statemnet?

 

if i stop going to his - he may think thats weird...also i can pick up more evidence there?

[Lucky_One]

So? You make things SO hard. And WTF is going to hang out at a mall anyway?

 

If he calls and wants to take you on a date, then you go to a restaurant. If one of you only has time for drinks, then you go to a pub. If he says he wants to sit at home and watch a movie, then you either decline or you say How about going to see "name of current movie not on DVD" instead? If he says he wants to hang out at his place, then you take that as a euphamism that he wants to have an orgasm regardless of how he gets it, and you decline.

 

And look for evidence? Are you a PI now? You are going to start going through his things?