katherinev87 Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 K, so I've been hearing this term 'Serial Monogamist' for a while now....and the description fits my relationship patterns. Initially, I want to be in a relationship..and when I get one, I enjoy it for a while. But after a period of time (sometimes as soon as a month or two into the relationship)...I'm wanting freedom again. I realize that the term is a bit of a cop-out...but it's the best, and most commonly known description. So....what I ask is this....does anyone have any advice on how I can work through this? When I get these cravings for freedom (and they truly are cravings....almost irrepressable), I become fearful, and slightly irrational. Is there anything I can do to help myself through this....so that perhaps I can stop sabotaging my relationships. In theory, I would like to be in a healthy, well established relationship...but I'm afraid to try it again, for fear that the same thing will keep happening. Any input will be MUCH appreciated!
norajane Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I always thought serial monogamy referred to people who become involved in a series of long term relationships over time, not relationships that last a couple of months. To me, it sounds like what you're doing is dating and your fears are preventing you from staying around long enough to even develop a long term relationship or real love. Your fears are driving that need to run away, so you need to figure out where they come from. Did you pick up something from your parents' relationship that made you wary of being trapped? Was one of your first relationships smothering to you? Is there something you believe you won't be able to do if you are in a relationship that you can do without one? Are you afraid of becoming attached and vulnerable to someone? Are you afraid of intimacy? Are the people you are choosing to date really people who are compatible with you? It's a long list of things that can cause that. The answer is within yourself.
Author katherinev87 Posted September 9, 2008 Author Posted September 9, 2008 Description from an internet site I found... _________________________________ A serial monogamist is a person who has many sexual partners in his or her lifetime, but only ever one at a time. The serial monogamist will seemingly form what looks like a lasting commitment to one person, but the commitment is usually only superficial. Some serial monogamists are incapable of commitment for a long period of time. Usually, the serial monogamist is aware of the pattern that he or she follows. Each relationship may be entered into with a how long will this one last? frame of mind. The serial monogamist is usually fully aware of his or her inability to fully commit to another. This does not mean that serial monogamists do not try to commit, but it seems that commitment is not something they feel comfortable with. Fear of commitment and perfectionism play a large part in the serial monogamist’s thinking. Childhood influences also a play a large part. Bad role models from parents give serial monogamists an inherent fear of commitment. They are unable to cope with the pressure of the family unit for long periods of time and eventually seek their independence once again. If the partnership begins to show problems similar to those witnessed in childhood, then it will no longer mirror the ideal the serial monogamist has in his or her head. ________________________________ This is what I've been experiencing....any other thoughts?
Author katherinev87 Posted September 9, 2008 Author Posted September 9, 2008 Your fears are driving that need to run away, so you need to figure out where they come from. Did you pick up something from your parents' relationship that made you wary of being trapped? Was one of your first relationships smothering to you? Is there something you believe you won't be able to do if you are in a relationship that you can do without one? Are you afraid of becoming attached and vulnerable to someone? Are you afraid of intimacy? Are the people you are choosing to date really people who are compatible with you? These are all very likely reasons for some of my troubles...I've bolded the ones that hit home the most. My very first relationship was VERY serious....it was between 17 and 19 for me...I know, young eh? Anyway...I guess we were sort of 'engaged to be engaged'...all of a sudden, I started getting skittish around him. I started making up excuses for why I couldn't see him, I didn't want him to touch me, etc etc. So that relationship ended eventually....badly, of course. Since then, it's been one relationship after another. Like, we would past the dating fencepost, into exclusivity....something I really wanted, and then I would freak out again. I literally feel like a cornered cat whenever it happens.
norajane Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Are you dating guys who have similarities to that teenage bf? Maybe you are seeing something of the same behaviors in these guys that your bf showed, so you think it's going to end up the same way with you wanting out? What do you really want out of a relationship? Could be you are nowhere near ready for a committed, long term thing because you have a lot of other things you want to do before you 'settle down'. Maybe you fear settling down will be the end of all the fun things you enjoy. Maybe dating for fun is all you need right now, and not for a relationship.
djhall Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Do you know if it is the sexual freedom you miss, the freedom to not have to live you life as a "couple," or just the freedom of not being attatched to anyone in general that you find yourself missing?
Author katherinev87 Posted September 9, 2008 Author Posted September 9, 2008 Do you know if it is the sexual freedom you miss, the freedom to not have to live you life as a "couple," or just the freedom of not being attatched to anyone in general that you find yourself missing? It's the freedom of not being attached to anyone that I miss when I'm...attached. When I'm single, I feel like I could handle, and would like to be in a relationship, and initially when one happens, I love it. Then something happens...one day he says or does something that completely freaks me out. The thing is, it's usually something that would be considered normal in a healthy relationship (I think). The last time it happened...my guy (at the time) asked me if I wanted to come to Vancouver with him, since I had expressed an interest in Vancouver at some point. What's wrong with me!?!?!
djhall Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 It's the freedom of not being attached to anyone that I miss when I'm...attached. When I'm single, I feel like I could handle, and would like to be in a relationship, and initially when one happens, I love it. Then something happens...one day he says or does something that completely freaks me out. The thing is, it's usually something that would be considered normal in a healthy relationship (I think). The last time it happened...my guy (at the time) asked me if I wanted to come to Vancouver with him, since I had expressed an interest in Vancouver at some point. What's wrong with me!?!?! Do you think this is tied to the point in a relationship where people want to develop emotional intimacy and get to know the "real you"? Do you think you may have issues with willingness to be emotionally open and intimate about yourself, so you feel trapped when someone starts to get too close to you?
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