TrustInYourself Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I think there are many people here who are completely blind, deaf, or incapable of understanding how to get through a divorce or separation. You are probably in this situation because you could not see, you could not listen, or just did not understand how your spouse felt about your marriage. First thing you should understand. If your spouse has given up on a marriage, your focus should not be on the marriage or your spouse's life. It should be about your life and your perspective. This should be all about you. What is my reasoning? You are here because you lost touch with yourself. You lost touch with your perception and perspective of your marriage. You lost touch with your ability to communicate effectively. You lost touch with the way you really feel about your marriage and your spouse. You need to focus on your own needs and your own life, first and foremost. I read here constantly about men and women wondering what to do about their marriages and spouses. The answer is nothing. This isn't about them. If it was about them, they'd be posting here, not you. I'm going to give a list of things for people to do, to come to terms with this stage in their lives. This is not a list of getting your spouse back. It's a list of getting your life back. One of the consequences of doing the following things, is possibly getting another chance in your marriage. Accept the truth Understand yourself Face the loss and pain Implement change Focus on your strengths Enjoy life Love yourself You have the power. You have the ability to change your life.
hatman Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Your suggestions are spot on. So far I've gone through over 3 years of my wife telling me that she wants to move out, needs her own space, loves me but isn't in love with me, needs to find herself, and lastly, wants a divorce. She always comes around, realizes that she is in love with me, needs to work on herself within the relationship, doesn't want to move out, and lastly, doesn't want a divorce. Check in with me next month, we may be back to the " I need to get my own place." situation. When this first started a few years ago my initial reaction was denial, and I tried to talk her out of it, told her how much I loved her etc. After a few weeks I started working out, going out with friends, enjoying life, etc. She seemed to notice all of this and I suddenly became desirable again. When she told me she wanted a divorce about a month ago, I barely reacted, told her that she needs to do what makes her happy, I didn't cry or try to talk her out of it. I am attending counseling with her, and I have made the choice to be supportive and caring, rather than confrontational and negative. I feel that talking the high road rather than the easy, and very toxic low road, will serve us both well in the long run. There are many factors at play, menopause, alcohol, abandonment by her father, the economy, work etc. There is no magic bullet for our situation, but I love her and I want us both to be happy, if that means we have to be apart, so be it, if it means that we stay together, even better, especially if we are sensitive to what each other is feeling and being supportive, rather than letting the situation turn negative, and battling it out.
Author TrustInYourself Posted September 9, 2008 Author Posted September 9, 2008 Taking the good with the bad is part of what makes it such a wonderful experience. I hope things work out for you in the long run and you both find happiness.
Author TrustInYourself Posted September 9, 2008 Author Posted September 9, 2008 Also with this thread. I wanted some people's opinion on general advice to get through this situation. Mental sanity and all that go out the window. What can you do to make it through the divorce and separation, etc. Support is so important.
ilmw Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Also with this thread. I wanted some people's opinion on general advice to get through this situation. Mental sanity and all that go out the window. What can you do to make it through the divorce and separation, etc. Support is so important. You want to know how to survive a seperation/divorce? Well... first of all Man up. Take it on the chin... and move on. In saying that... you have to except responsibility of your part in it... and do something about it... for yourself. Get some counselling... if you can... will help you in the long run... trust me.... never thought it would work... thought it was for crazy people... (not so true after all) Read about relationships... learn learn and learn some more.. (good info) and... GET A LIFE!! try new things... get lessons... work out... swim.. run.... rock climb... parachute jump... go on a trip.... something you always wanted to do....do it for you... sooner the better. and.... learn to let go. If you trying to win a spouse back... the more you try... the more they will resist... just let it go.... (this is when they have stated it is over.. for all the cliche' reasons... we all get to hear!) you will then begin to heal..... and you will.... just enjoy yourself.. the most you can. Live life.... don't waist it. I am one of the converted.... was one of the "Why" people for such a long time.... I will never know "why".... and frankly... don't give a damn anymore... it is what it is.... I know I did my best. When your conscience is clear.... it it so much easier to ... move on anyway... I think... I just hijacked a thread... oooops ... sorry ilmw
Author TrustInYourself Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 You want to know how to survive a seperation/divorce? Well... first of all Man up. Take it on the chin... and move on. In saying that... you have to except responsibility of your part in it... and do something about it... for yourself. Get some counselling... if you can... will help you in the long run... trust me.... never thought it would work... thought it was for crazy people... (not so true after all) Read about relationships... learn learn and learn some more.. (good info) and... GET A LIFE!! try new things... get lessons... work out... swim.. run.... rock climb... parachute jump... go on a trip.... something you always wanted to do....do it for you... sooner the better. and.... learn to let go. If you trying to win a spouse back... the more you try... the more they will resist... just let it go.... (this is when they have stated it is over.. for all the cliche' reasons... we all get to hear!) you will then begin to heal..... and you will.... just enjoy yourself.. the most you can. Live life.... don't waist it. I am one of the converted.... was one of the "Why" people for such a long time.... I will never know "why".... and frankly... don't give a damn anymore... it is what it is.... I know I did my best. When your conscience is clear.... it it so much easier to ... move on anyway... I think... I just hijacked a thread... oooops ... sorry ilmw Nope, exactly the kind of posts I was looking for. Thanks ilmw.
Author TrustInYourself Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 I thought this would be a good idea and that it would help people, but I realized something. I have no right to give advice.
ilmw Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 If you don't feel you have the right to give advise .... then just give your point of view.... it could help somebody.... who... is even newer/fresher to this "turn of events" Well that is my point view... ilmw
stuckinoz Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Where were you people 6 months ago when I could have used this advice? (kidding)..... This would have been fabulous information to have while I was struggling.........Thank you for this thread ...I've already learned something new. I hope everyone that needs this is reading along.
zazue Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 If I hadn't found this site I would have been a whiney, pleading, please don't leave doormat. This site has opened my eyes to the realities of my 22 year marriage. I was a victim of verbal, mental and physical abuse. I would never have left the marriage, because I was afraid, and played the victim role very well. Thank God he found an OW. Thank God I asked him to please move out. He is still trying to control me, and can't understand why it isn't working anymore. This site is the reason. It has given me so much insight and strength. It has empowered me to take control of my own destiny. I realize that I need to move through this divorce as quickly as possible, before the OW finds out what she's got herself into and ditches him. That would leave him way to much time to focus his attention back on me. I'm still sad, but this site has allowed me to be strong, and take control of my life much more quickly than I would have.
Author TrustInYourself Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 Those of you who are separated or divorced. How are you living life to the fullest? How are you moving forward? How are you learning and growing from this experience? I'll share some personal issues I've managed to overcome. I've broken my addiction. I'm no longer a "boy", but rather a man and father. I've realized what's important in life and that's my family and my marriage. I refuse to neglect the person I love most in the world, my best friend and the most caring/loving/sensitive/beautiful woman I have ever met. I have rediscovered myself and focused on being "me". I'm no longer complacent and blind. I understand now, that marriage isn't just something to suffer through or relax on. Marriage is a life long serious endeavor to build and reinforce love and happiness with an equal. I'm my wife's equal and her loving husband. She needs me. I want to be there for her and some. I want to be the pillar of support for my family and others. I'm tired of being that irresponsible, brash, insensitive, angry, sad, controlling, immature, little boy. I had to really reflect on my behavior and address those shortcomings. It wasn't for my wife, but for myself. I have to be a better person or I will go through life without ever realizing my potential as a human being. I'm learning. I regress, but I keep trying. I have learned so much about love and life this past year. I'm not scared of the future or being alone anymore. I hope you all can share this feeling with me. Thanks for listening.
LakesideDream Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Sadly, for BS's, there is no "getting back your life". The best thing that can happen is to start a new one. Whether you are able to reconcile or not, the old life is gone forever. Sad post, sad post to respond to. I hope time helps you. 1
dead-dyke Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 BUT. - They do say, if you're able to work through this, the bond will likely make you inseparable. Loyal, I mean. Very nice thread TIY. Congrats to you. God only knows, you've earned it.
Author TrustInYourself Posted September 12, 2008 Author Posted September 12, 2008 Sadly, for BS's, there is no "getting back your life". The best thing that can happen is to start a new one. Whether you are able to reconcile or not, the old life is gone forever. Sad post, sad post to respond to. I hope time helps you. If you are left by a cheating spouse, some would personally consider that a favor. 1
sayasunday Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 Wow this is great. I didn't think to see things from this perspective. Didn't think about myself.
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