Thewaiting Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Long Story (not so) short, My gf and I had been dating for almost 4 years. I really loved her (and still do) and felt like she loved me just as much but then she went on a trip and started having feelings for this other guy she met. We broke up a week after she got back from this trip, after I caught her in a lot of lies. She claims nothing happened that he put his arm around her she liked it and nothing else (not sure if I believe that but it doesn't matter) We went NC for 4 days after breaking up, she contacted me just to see how I was doing I told her I was ok (which was a lie) we had a short conversation and we had been seeing each other every few days for about a month. I knew she had been going to see this guy every weekend since our break up and I was never sure of what was going on between them. Well a few days ago, I saw pictures on facebook of she and this guy cuddling and hugging. I got really mad, I took everything of hers that was in my apartment brought it to her apartment when she wasn't home, removed her as a friend on facebook (so she wouldn't look at mine and I wouldn't look on hers) and decided that I wasn't going to talk to her until she said "I'm sorry" and actually mean it. She called me 5 times that day eventually left a voicemail (because I ignored her calls) saying thanks for bringing everything by. She sent me a few texts and tried calling a few more times in the coming days, all of which I ignored. Then 2 days ago she called and left a voicemail saying she didn't know what was going on. That she felt like I was trying to avoid her and to call her so we could get together and talk about everything. I ignored this voicemail and still haven't contacted her. I haven't spoken to her or seen her in 5 days. I want to know am I doing the right thing? Should I respond to that voicemail? I feel like she was just keeping me close so she could fall back on me if she and this other guy didn't work out but I still love her so much and I want her to come back. Its been almost a month and a half and I still cry often. By the way our would be 4 year anniversary is coming up in exactly 2 weeks. What should I do about that?
CaliGuy Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 She's been seeing this guy on the side and you know that for a fact. I think you're doing the right thing. She has you around and him around so she has her cake and is eating it too. You have created a boundary with her and she needs to respect that. I think giving her stuff back and not answering her calls sends a clear message that you won't put up with her behavior. If I were you I'd continue doing what you're doing right now. You're giving her plenty of space. In the meantime I would go out and have fun and enjoy your life. I know that it's hard to do right now but you need to pick up the pieces and go. You can't wait around for her to come around. What you need to make sure of is that she doesn't see you down, depressed or sad. Never let her see you sweat. Again, I know that is hard too but I mean given her behavior I think you have ever right to write her off and move on. The question is what do YOU want? (especially if she's been fooling around with this guy behind your back!)
Author Thewaiting Posted September 9, 2008 Author Posted September 9, 2008 Right now I want her back how she was before these last few months. It seems as if she has changed a lot. Our relationship was always fun and exciting and all our friends joked we were the next to get married (though we had yet to speak of it seriously.) We had arguments but every couple does. No one, not me nor any of our friends, ever thought she would do something like this. Its not who she is. She is very attractive and guys have hit on her before(and often), but she never did anything like this. How can she just throw away 4 years like this? Do you think she'll ever change back into who she was? Do you think we will be able to date down the road again? Right now, I'm going to continue to not talk to her until she gives me a sincere apology and when that or if that happens... Well I don't know what im going to do from there... I'm just waiting for those two words.
CaliGuy Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Right now I want her back how she was before these last few months.It seems as if she has changed a lot. Our relationship was always fun and exciting and all our friends joked we were the next to get married (though we had yet to speak of it seriously.) We had arguments but every couple does. No one, not me nor any of our friends, ever thought she would do something like this. Its not who she is. She is very attractive and guys have hit on her before(and often), but she never did anything like this. How can she just throw away 4 years like this? Do you think she'll ever change back into who she was? Understand that she may never go back to her old self. Do you think we will be able to date down the road again? Maybe. But not if you sit around pining for her at all. You need to move your life forward as if she is never coming back. You need to be happy and enjoying life. Not just to attract her, but to attract the RIGHT woman in your life. Happy, fun and confident men are attractive to a large pool of women. Right now, I'm going to continue to not talk to her until she gives me a sincere apology and when that or if that happens... Well I don't know what im going to do from there... I'm just waiting for those two words. She may never apologize because she might feel like she has done nothing wrong. I don't know if writing or talking to her is a good idea. If she isn't beating down your door to get to you, she really doesn't love you the RIGHT way. I'm not even sure an apology is will do it. It wouldn't for me. Once you cheat, you're done. Period. In her mind she might have walked away from you but never actually verbalized it to you. So in her head, she might think you are broken up so she feels she did nothing wrong.
Author Thewaiting Posted September 9, 2008 Author Posted September 9, 2008 I'm still just really confused. She said she didn't break up with me for him, but those pictures all say she did. She has admitted she is scared to see me move on, but she is moving on herself. I have tried to go out with girls again. I have gone out to eat with a good mutual friend of ours a few times already. When we go out, we never talk about my past relationship, we have a lot of fun, and she seems interested in me but it still feels weird going out with someone else. I don't know if it is going to go anywhere but if it does I'm scared it will be a "rebound" relationship because I'm still not over my ex by any means. I know that a "rebound" relationship would just cause more pain for me, my ex and our friend. I also don't want to split up their friendship nor mine. Am I planning to far ahead into the future? This is all so confusing... Thanks for all your help, it feels good being reassured.
CaliGuy Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I'm still just really confused. She said she didn't break up with me for him, but those pictures all say she did. She has admitted she is scared to see me move on, but she is moving on herself. Don't listen to what she says, listen to what she DOES. Her actions do not back up her words. Words mean nothing. It's what her ACTIONS are that really tell the story...and they tell you she has someone else. I have tried to go out with girls again. I have gone out to eat with a good mutual friend of ours a few times already. When we go out, we never talk about my past relationship, we have a lot of fun, and she seems interested in me but it still feels weird going out with someone else. I don't know if it is going to go anywhere but if it does I'm scared it will be a "rebound" relationship because I'm still not over my ex by any means. I know that a "rebound" relationship would just cause more pain for me, my ex and our friend. I also don't want to split up their friendship nor mine. Am I planning to far ahead into the future? This is all so confusing... Thanks for all your help, it feels good being reassured. Nope, I think you're doing fine. Go out, have fun and enjoy life. You can't control your ex, only yourself.
sid3 Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Op the best thing you can do is to take CaliGuy's advice. It's spot on. I recently learned about watching an ex's actions and not going by her words. Settling for an apology without the actions to prove it will only lead to more heartache. If there is one certainty in breakups, it's that we can only control ourselves. I think the big difference in those that heal sooner rather than much later is Acceptance, until that happens it can be nearly impossible to let go and start to heal. I hope things get better for you. Stick with total N/C and they will IMO
Author Thewaiting Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 Thanks again for all your advice. It helps so much. We are still N/c but I'm afraid that might change because this weekend a lot of our mutual friends are getting together for to grill out and hang out. She will at least stop by and probably be there the majority of the time. I'm really good friends with the guy who is putting it all together, and told him I'd be there and help set up. What should I do when she comes? Should I ignore her, or try to go somewhere else for a while and come back when she is gone? By the way she hasn't tried to contact me again since Sunday evening.
verve Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Thanks again for all your advice. It helps so much. We are still N/c but I'm afraid that might change because this weekend a lot of our mutual friends are getting together for to grill out and hang out. She will at least stop by and probably be there the majority of the time. I'm really good friends with the guy who is putting it all together, and told him I'd be there and help set up. What should I do when she comes? Should I ignore her, or try to go somewhere else for a while and come back when she is gone? By the way she hasn't tried to contact me again since Sunday evening. If she's there ignore her, at least look like you're enjoying yourself. Leave if you feel uncomfortable or if she's there with the new guy.
Author Thewaiting Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 She won't be there with him. I know that for a fact. My main concern is I will not be able to ignore her or she won't take the hint and try and hang on me the entire time or worse she ask me what is going on.
sacg Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 read this http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t163103/ And take it from me and the others, move on as best you can, they aint worth it. they all ****ing lie. I never thought this would happen, and its destroyed me hanging in there. Boy im pissed.
stillafool Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Cali Guy's advice is the best. You are doing the right thing by going complete NC on her. She may find that this guy isn't so great after all. Right now what they have is new and she still feels like she has the security of you. When you're gone long enough she will wonder and remember. Personally, I wouldn't even go to the bar-b-que if I was sure she would be there. But, since you are I think you should be pleasant, smile, speak and move on to talk to other people. Don't act depressed and don't drink too much because you may do or say something you may regret.
Author Thewaiting Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 I'm pretty committed on going, but it is an all day type thing so I could go away while she is there. Or should I just not let her have that much control and show her that she isn't going to run my life, by going staying and having fun while she is there, without being with her.
stillafool Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 To be honest, it would have a greater impact if you left. Then she would know that you have no interest to stay and hopefully talk and be with her. I'm saying this because I am a woman and if I were in her shoes at that party (and you left) I would think WTF has he got going on.
Author Thewaiting Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 I still haven't decided what I'm going to do about the party because I told a lot of people I'd be there. Today, she first texted me about an hour and a half ago and basically said "we haven't talked in a while and i think we should, but that it is up to you, hope you have been doing well." Then about 30 minutes ago she called and I ignored it and she left a voicemail saying that She wanted to catch up and that a talk would be good, then she invited me to lunch, or whatever fit in my schedule then she ended it telling me to give her a call, and said that she would like to talk to me. What should I do. She seems really upset and wants to talk so badly. I'm the one that started n/c, a week ago, and I never told her I was starting n/c just started ignoring her calls/texts. She contacted me, should I call her back to see what she wants to say? Or tell her to stop talking to me? or what? It is taking all I have not to call her back. P.S. I heard through multiple people that she is having a really hard time right now.
lkjh Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Dude, she left you for another guy! Don't cave because the second you do she will have the power. She wants you as a back up and you don't have to settle for that. If she wants you to talk to her she needs to be honest with you and tell you what really happened between her and the other guy. People don't end a 4 year relationship over nothing.
stillafool Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Yes call her back at 11:30 tonight. Act like you just got her messages and have the attitude of "why are you calling me, is everything alright?" I told you if you NC her it will drive her crazy. She doesn't want to lose her sure thing. If she wants to talk, tell her you have a crazy schedule but if she wants to talk you have some time now. Make her talk over the phone. Seeing her will just set you back and may show her how much you are suffering for her. Don't give her that power. You will be stronger talking to her by phone.
stillafool Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Oh and when you do talk, tell her you know she is seeing this other guy. That way she will no why you are pulling away from her.
stillafool Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Oh, and don't sound angry. Keep your voice at a calm level. This will drive her crazy I promise you.
Author Thewaiting Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 I have not talked to her yet. I'm not sure if I'm going to because I will for sure see her saturday and she will definitely want to talk. My plan is to say "I didn't want this, you wanted it. I'm just honoring what you want" Something along those lines. She is definitely suffering without me there is no doubt about that. Many people have told me and her voice is very soft in the voicemails and in one it sounds like she just got done crying. However, I don't think she wants me back like how I want her back. In fact I don't even know if I want her back if she can do what she did. How do I know she won't do it again. (probably thinking way too far ahead). I want to talk to her to find out if she is sorry, if she wants me or what, but I'm scared it will just hurt me more.
stillafool Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 The best thing for you to do is continue the "NC" then. I don't know that the party is the place to have "the talk" but that is up to you. Yes she is suffering and don't let up until she reaches a definite decision as to who she wants to be with. If she does return to you (after she's figured out she lost the best thing in her life) then she will be faithful. But if you take her back while she's still "straddling the fence" I doubt that she will be.
Chinook Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Personally, I would walk away. Keep on walking and never look back. The person you want back and love, doesn't exist any longer. She stopped existing in your world the moment she started fooling around with another guy behind your back. When it all comes down to it, she has you on a string and you're still dancin' to her tune. What you had is gone. What you felt is gone. It's never coming back... even if you guys do make it and get back together, it's not going to be the same kind of relationship and personally, in my experience, once that bubble is burst, it doesn't work.
stillafool Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Ya know Chinook is right. You will never look at her the same way you did even if you get her back. She has fallen off that pedestal you had her on. You are already questioning how she could do what she did. The complete trust will never be as it was before this.
WiseOne1 Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 You guys have a point. As good as the relationship once was, you will never think about her as good as you use to, you'll never love her like you use to, you've taker her of the pedestal and really you'll never treat here like you used to. After awhile thinking about what she did to you, you'll most likely break up with her.
megapositive Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 Here's my 2 cents: For whatever reason, while you were together, she met a new guy and was into him. That means she was missing something in her relationship with you, because the only time I've experienced that type of thing is when something is not right in my own relationship. If I'm happy in it, my interest does not go elsewhere. More proof of this is that right after you broke up (good for you!) she just continued seeing this guy... she didn't realize any type of mistake and come running back to you to try to make things right. I think she's contacting you to alleviate her feelings of guilt and to keep you on the back burner -- make sure she hasn't lost you entirely, because once she realizes that, she'll have to really look at the other guy and determine if he is worth losing you. Plus I'm sure she misses her connection with you, your friendship, etc and wants to feel that again... which she can't have, since she chose this other guy. When I've messed up in a relationship, I have no problem saying I'm sorry, and if he was so upset he wouldn't see me, I'd leave a vm, a text, a card at his doorstep, anything saying I'm sorry and that I'd like to apologize in person. It's not that hard. Regarding the party, go and have fun. If she tries to hang on you, simply take her hand or arm and gently remove it. If she persists, do it again and walk away. Keep smiling, laughing, joking with your friends and don't think about her. If she wants to talk about your relationship, just quietly say "this isn't the place" and if she persists, say it again and walk away. If you find you can't handle it... grab one more beer, laugh it up with some buddies, and then say "oops, I gotta run, I'm gonna be late" and bail.
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