tulips13 Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Hello! First time to post. I have a strange relationship issue that I need help with. About 9 yrs ago I had a short sexual relationship with someone. But, it was the best sex and chemistry I have ever had with someone. I ended up pregnant. I decided to keep my child even though he highly protested and wanted nothing to do with me or his child in the beginning. The relationship was strained for along time. Our son is now 8 yrs old. The dad has maintained contact with me and our son and sees him once or twice a year (he lives in another state). Things have improved tremendously as far as him wanting to have some type of relationship with his child and we are on good speaking terms. OK, here is my issue. Over the years I think about my ex lover and can't help but want to be with him again. Everytime I see him those feelings come back and I realize I am still very attracted to him. Sometimes after I see him I can't stop thinking about him and wonder if I should tell him. He is single and I am in a very unhappy marriage. I don't want to mess up the progress we have made, yet I want to tell him how I feel. I have no idea if he is still attracted to me or not. But, all I know is that I still have some feelings for him and it's so hard to keep it a secret. Should I let him know or stay silent? Thanks for reading!
Author tulips13 Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 Hi, I hope someone out there has some advice. I really don't know what to do. It's hard when you have these feelings and don't know what to do with them. thanks!
officegirl Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 My advice. I think you should focus more on what to do about your unhappy marriage. If that has gone sour, perhaps fixing that or getting a divorce should be your first priority.
Ronni_W Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 I agree with officegirl, about first taking care of your marriage...one way or the other. Is there even a small possibility that your mind is building-up your son's father to look like a really good alternative to your unhappy marriage? I heard you say that you've thought about him over the years but. Is there a chance that those feelings were more because you never fully accepted, and properly recovered from, how he treated you after you got pregnant? Your mind could just be playing tricks on you, which is much easier to happen when we are mentally, emotionally and/or spiritually unhappy and feeling 'lost'. Also. How will your son's father react to hearing this kind of news from a married woman? How would he take it if she was happily married? How would he take it if she was unhappily married? Would he see any difference, or would he just see a married woman who is acting inappropriately?
Author tulips13 Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 Ronni W, thanks for your reply. You gave me some things to think about. Perhaps there is some unfinished business with my ex, we were never in love, that never had a chance to develop b/c I was pregnant. I think what is so difficult is that I feel an emotional tie to him because of our child. Even though he wasn't conceived in love, we still made a baby and as a woman I connect feelings to that. Does that make sense? Even though he ran off and wanted to take no responsibility, he has come around now. I always have this feeling of "what if"... we were together for such a short time and then the change of our lifetime happened. So, now everytime I see him I am reminded of some old feelings that just haven't gone away after all these years. There is just that little spark and soft side I have for him. As far as my marriage, it's pretty much over. We both admit it and know it was a mistake to get married in the first place. We have talked about divorce many times. We have gone to counseling and nothing has changed. So, I see no way it's going to work. We've got 2 kids and I think are afraid to seperate. Which I know is another post for another day! Maybe I should talk to him about the unfinished business that I'm feeling? Over the years we have never really talked about what happened, things just kind of got better. I don't know???!!!!!
shy women Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 I think you should let him know and if he says he doesnt feel the same way at least you know to move on or work at your marriage. What can you lose you say the progress you have made but if he is a nice guy then he will stay around for his son and you never know he might respect the fact that you told him.
Ronni_W Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 I think what is so difficult is that I feel an emotional tie to him because of our child. Even though he wasn't conceived in love, we still made a baby and as a woman I connect feelings to that. Does that make sense? Part of it makes sense, yes. The tie that you have with this guy is only biological in nature, though. He made you a mother, that is all. Your feelings around being a mother is ALL about your son, and ONLY about your son. So kind of. It is misguided to connect your loving feelings (about being a mother) to your old boyfriend. He just happened to provide the, er, biological compound that women need to become parents. You could have got the same job done by going to a sperm bank. If you can put the guy in some kind of different perspective, then perhaps your feelings about him will become clearer(?) Maybe I should talk to him about the unfinished business that I'm feeling?Quite honestly, I would suggest that you talk to an individual therapist about getting over any unresolved hurt from how it ended with him, instead of just 'dumping' it on this guy. I do not know if he only "came around" AFTER you were married...if so, all the more reason to think that he does not have any interest in you, other than the fact that you are the mother of his child. (He has managed to put it in a more accurate context -- your ties are not emotional. Your son is the tie that binds you both, biologically, not emotionally.) If, after therapy, you still feel that it is appropriate to share your feelings with him...then great! Absolutely go for it at that point.
nleeh Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 With your marriage on the rocks, it sounds like you may be feeling an emotional void in your life and your desire to tell the father of your first child that you still have feelings for him is a way to test the waters and find out if he would be interested in starting a new relationship with you or not, but you are still in a relationship with your husband and your energy needs to be put towards that, either to work on rebuilding it or working towards divorce. Hoping or trying to start a second relationship, even if it is check out where he may stand before your present relationship ends will complicate your life even more. If you should get a divorce and the father of your first child is not married, then go for it.
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