Bells Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I often wonder this...I think people are actually misinterpreting the word. Perhaps even confusing it with just plain lust, nothing more. I was talking to this one woman, age 45, single, never married no children (I can just go off that alone, lol) Apparently, some guy she was just introduced to through a friend, momentarily, a mere handshake and "Hi my name is, nice to meet you" had a brief conversation. Then went on their merry ways. It was at a nightclub venue...so it was really hard to hear as well. I guess this guy saw this woman online a month or 2 later, and he emailed her, "Hey, I know you, you're so-and-so's friend I met at the park. So, I take it you're on here looking to?" And she responds back with, "Yeah, that's me, been doing the online dating ghing for awhile...and it's been pretty trying too, lol" He responds with "Well, so how about we get to know each other" And she goes, "Well, when we met at the club, I wasn't feelin it....and well, Chemistry IS important to me" When I was hearing her tell me this story, I was like "huh??" So, what she described was it "really" her own def. of Chem?
flc Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I agree chemistry can be different things for different people. For me it is initially how physically attracted I am to someone and then after talking a bit I can tell whether this is someone who I feel comfortable with and may be interested in dating. I call that chemistry and can tell within 15min that the person is someone I am interested in or not. I guess to be honest I probably give more weight to the physical attraction so if it was someone I thought was really hot their personality would have to be a major negative while someone who may have a really good personality may not get farther based on their physical looks. This does not mean that someone needs to be a super model or have movie star looks, it just means I weigh looks higher than personality, but in the end it all has to work for a relationship to develop.
Tomcat33 Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I was talking to this one woman, age 45, single, never married no children (I can just go off that alone, lol) Please do! What's your point? Is it really any different than to be 45 divorced and with a child? Failure is failure, marriage failure is even bigger than a person who never married or had kids at 45. So what DOES it say to you when you hear a woman is 45 and never married or kids? Now if you say a 45 yr old that never had any sort of relationship then I might be more open to that concept. Are you make or female?
Shygirl15 Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I define chemistry as a feeling I get when I'm (physically) attracted to a person, so strong to the extent my heart is a flutter and it feels like fireworks is taking place in my body when I see them. It's usually instant, like flc said.
Author Bells Posted September 9, 2008 Author Posted September 9, 2008 I define chemistry as a feeling I get when I'm (physically) attracted to a person, so strong to the extent my heart is a flutter and it feels like fireworks is taking place in my body when I see them. It's usually instant, like flc said. That's called lust. What's your point? Is it really any different than to be 45 divorced and with a child? Failure is failure, marriage failure is even bigger than a person who never married or had kids at 45. So what DOES it say to you when you hear a woman is 45 and never married or kids? Now if you say a 45 yr old that never had any sort of relationship then I might be more open to that concept. reason I stated this was because she's been single for SO long, without marrying and so forth, due the possibility of finding reasons to not date guys or being overly picky.
Shygirl15 Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 That's called lust. I'll agree only if chemistry and lust mean the same thing..
Author Bells Posted September 9, 2008 Author Posted September 9, 2008 I agree chemistry can be different things for different people. For me it is initially how physically attracted I am to someone and then after talking a bit I can tell whether this is someone who I feel comfortable with and may be interested in dating. I call that chemistry and can tell within 15min that the person is someone I am interested in or not. I guess to be honest I probably give more weight to the physical attraction so if it was someone I thought was really hot their personality would have to be a major negative while someone who may have a really good personality may not get farther based on their physical looks. This does not mean that someone needs to be a super model or have movie star looks, it just means I weigh looks higher than personality, but in the end it all has to work for a relationship to develop. Within only 15 mins? I don't believe in that, I am more of a "Get to know someone over a little longer than 15 mins, over time, get to know them...I think if you just discount someone immediately. Now, physical attraction is just that physical attraction...and I don't really relate that to chemistry....just don't call it that (at least I don't). Just say you weren't physically attracted, don't say " there was no chemistry", right? Wierd...so I don't get that...this is why I think alot of relationships don't last (long) or easily fizzle out (also divorce rates going up as well), just a theory, but I can see how this might connect.
carhill Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 And she goes, "Well, when we met at the club, I wasn't feelin it....and well, Chemistry IS important to me" This comment, combined with her backstory, speaks significantly to her psychology. We're all different. Is her perception working for her? Who knows... I flew four transcons this weekend and met a lot of beautiful women, both FA's and pax. Talked with a few. Any chemistry? Nope. I'm just not wired that way, for instant lust. Never have been. That's my difference. So, is that wrong? IMO, no, not any more than the lady in question being wrong. The operative question is does her style (or mine) lead to healthy relationships? Answer: Unknown
Author Bells Posted September 9, 2008 Author Posted September 9, 2008 This comment, combined with her backstory, speaks significantly to her psychology. We're all different. Is her perception working for her? Who knows... I flew four transcons this weekend and met a lot of beautiful women, both FA's and pax. Talked with a few. Any chemistry? Nope. I'm just not wired that way, for instant lust. Never have been. That's my difference. So, is that wrong? IMO, no, not any more than the lady in question being wrong. The operative question is does her style (or mine) lead to healthy relationships? Answer: Unknown I like your outlook Carhill...you really think outside the box. Yeah, with what YOU do, you meet TONS of attractive (physically) women, eventually you become desensitized...and that starts meaning less to you, rather than some hound drooling at all the women he sees in his encounters (of course a man like that probably hasn't been out that much either, lol). Answer...yes...could be unknown...but....what is "LIKELY" to happen?
flc Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I disagree that it is lust. Lust to me means I just want to have sex with someone and that doesn't mean we are compatible for a longer relationship. There was a whole thread on physical attraction and I feel it is critical to a good relationship but there is also a lot of other factors that you use to judge someone for interest. I think I can say in 15min whether the physical attraction is there to continue, it takes longer to determine whether communication, life style, sex and other factors are compatible. It takes even longer to feel that you are compatible to the extent that you want to marry. I think one indicator is those butterflies you feel when you see the person, do they last or fade as you spend more time with them. Of course as important is whether the other person feels the same way. When that happens I think you can feel it when you are together and that is chemistry.
carhill Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Perhaps, the lady, like myself, has yet to have a truly healthy relationship, so for us (me anyway), the answer must be "unknown" since the shear volume of potentials, combined with time, precludes a definitive "no". I must say I do enjoy watching the nubile youngsters flirt though Probably the lady who caught me attention the most was a very proper older (older to me is late 50's-up) lady with whom, as my seatmate in first class on one transcon, I had just a limited amount of interaction, but whom projected class and style without saying a word. Very attractive. Not "chemistry", but, see, I remember her. Life is indeed a journey
stillafool Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Wierd...so I don't get that...this is why I think alot of relationships don't last (long) or easily fizzle out (also divorce rates going up as well), just a theory, but I can see how this might connect. If chemistry equals lust and passion I like it. To me it is the lack of chemistry that leads to boring marriages and infidelity. I think a lot of people are marrying more to put two (hopefully) high incomes together and hoping passion will come later.
Author Bells Posted September 9, 2008 Author Posted September 9, 2008 I disagree that it is lust. Lust to me means I just want to have sex with someone and that doesn't mean we are compatible for a longer relationship. There was a whole thread on physical attraction and I feel it is critical to a good relationship but there is also a lot of other factors that you use to judge someone for interest. I think I can say in 15min whether the physical attraction is there to continue, it takes longer to determine whether communication, life style, sex and other factors are compatible. It takes even longer to feel that you are compatible to the extent that you want to marry. I think one indicator is those butterflies you feel when you see the person, do they last or fade as you spend more time with them. Of course as important is whether the other person feels the same way. When that happens I think you can feel it when you are together and that is chemistry. Well, considering that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, she is rather average looking (thus my reason for pursuing mostly average women, those that are my "equals" in looks), and I was kind of suprised she wasn't "attracted" pysically. I tend to contact women that are more "equal" to me in MY looks department, but seems they ddate up.
Tomcat33 Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I can tell in 10 minutes if I have chemistry with someone.
Author Bells Posted September 9, 2008 Author Posted September 9, 2008 I can tell in 10 minutes if I have chemistry with someone. Not really a good way to start off I would think. lol
carhill Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I tend to contact women that are more "equal" to me in MY looks department, but <it> seems they date up. Perfectly natural. They're driven by forces they likely don't understand to improve their gene pool. They're influenced by their socialization and society's norms to view the physical as an indicator of genetic nirvana. Pay it no mind. An evolved woman, perhaps one who seeks the same lifepath as yourself, will see and accept you for your "value", and physicality will be merely the signpost by which she identifies you. How's that for "deep"?
flc Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I can tell in 10 minutes if I have chemistry with someone. So how quickly do you close it out if you know? I met with someone who I thought was attractive by her picture and after a couple of emails she seemed very nice, however, when we met for coffee yesterday it just wasn't there. We made small talk for about 45min and then she said she had to go. Clearly we both felt a lack of chemistry. Now conversely the women I dated previously we met for coffee and it lasted 4 hours. We clearly both felt some chemistry but after about 6 weeks of dating and intimacy the feeling didn't last for her and she broke it off. I'm still looking for the bidirectional chemistry that lasts;)
audrey_1 Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I am beginning to question everything I thought I knew about anything when it comes to dating relationships. What I thought was fantastic chemistry turned out to be a platonic friendship for him. The funny thing about chemistry experiments are, sometimes things blow up. Sometimes it's immediate, and sometimes it's a delayed reaction.
carhill Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 IMO, it's a balance. One can have super chemistry but yet be incompatible, or one can have little chemistry and otherwise be very compatible. I see chemistry as an unconscious symbiosis of sorts, a connection which defies a concrete description. Compatibility, OTOH, has many definitive descriptors and can be processed intellectually. Some people process the intellectual part before checking for the symbiosis and consciously "rule out" another person based on this. They will note the "chemistry" but, since it is processed after the "list" of compatibles, it carries no weight in their emotional state. Lastly, psychological background and life experience have bearing. We all walk different paths and bring a different package to the table. It's a wonder anyone gets together
Author Bells Posted September 9, 2008 Author Posted September 9, 2008 Perfectly natural. They're driven by forces they likely don't understand to improve their gene pool. They're influenced by their socialization and society's norms to view the physical as an indicator of genetic nirvana. Pay it no mind. An evolved woman, perhaps one who seeks the same lifepath as yourself, will see and accept you for your "value", and physicality will be merely the signpost by which she identifies you. How's that for "deep"? You really need to spend more time watching the crap that's on TV, instead of...well, you know READING. ;-) lol
Trialbyfire Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 When you first meet someone, you can experience lust/desire strong enough that it can be confused for chemistry. After you get to know someone and find that you synch intellectually and emotionally, this is when chemistry comes into play, that combustible element!
Author Bells Posted September 9, 2008 Author Posted September 9, 2008 So how quickly do you close it out if you know? I met with someone who I thought was attractive by her picture and after a couple of emails she seemed very nice, however, when we met for coffee yesterday it just wasn't there. We made small talk for about 45min and then she said she had to go. Clearly we both felt a lack of chemistry. Now conversely the women I dated previously we met for coffee and it lasted 4 hours. We clearly both felt some chemistry but after about 6 weeks of dating and intimacy the feeling didn't last for her and she broke it off. I'm still looking for the bidirectional chemistry that lasts;) FLC....well, we are a "Throw away" society...well, most people in society are...even in marriage, people divorce even over petty stuff. People break up over petty stuff. If the "Novelty/Chemistry" wears off, they throw you away like an old pair of shoes and go out and buy new ones. I should perhaps replace the word "Novelty" with "Chemistry", they work so Inter-chagebly. (sp?)
carhill Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 You really need to spend more time watching the crap that's on TV, instead of...well, you know READING. ;-) lol Intuitive. That's exactly what my wife says
Tomcat33 Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Not really a good way to start off I would think. lol Why not? Better to force chemistry and end up in a dead end relationship with someone you are trying to make FIT just because you desperately want to be with someone?
Author Bells Posted September 9, 2008 Author Posted September 9, 2008 Why not? Better to force chemistry and end up in a dead end relationship with someone you are trying to make FIT just because you desperately want to be with someone? Better to FORCE chemistry? Not sure what you mean there. If you're relying on the first 10 minutes for a long lasting relationship, I'm sorry to say, there's more to it than just those 10 mins.
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