Eversweet Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I am involved as the other woman with a man I love dearly. He is in a 10 yr relationship. They are not married and she is ill, (emotional illness that causes physical pain) He committed to her early on that he would always take care of her but he quickly fell out of love with her after months and years of depression and lack of caring about her physical well being. I met him and if ever there were soulmates it is he and I. Well as all affairs go wrong ours did, he confessed. He told her that her self destructive behavior made him fall out of love with her years ago and that he was in love with another woman. She is begging him back and he is torn. has anyone been in a similiar situation. I feel like i'm dying not knowing what is going to happen. He asked me to give him 4 days to decide what he needs to do. HELP. This is awful for everyone involved.
crystal_lostheart Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Hi Eversweet, Be prepared for a heartbreaking journey if you choose to ride this out. 4 days to decide after 10 years will just not happen. Even if he does leave - after will come a rollercoaster of many emotions to ride....on his part, yours and hers (and anyone else who is family or close friends). Be prepared that he may go back - where does this leave you if he does? You have a choice - stay, wait, put your life on hold for no guarantee or - try your hardest to realise that there are many other single men out there that can give you a better life without this horrible heartache.... most importantly you should focus on yourself instead... I wish I had of done this when I left my M instead of digging an even bigger hole for myself - it would have saved me a whole lot of heartache and tears - I know this is hard and easier said than done.... Good Luck with whatever you decide
Spinning Head Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I'm one week out of going through a similiar situation. I doubt he leaves her. I think he is stringing you along. If he wanted to leave and be with you, it would not take him four days to figure out what to do. I sent my xMM e-mails making a point of why he should 'pick me' - I can't believe I did that but I did. You should not be placed in that position - waiting to see what decision is made and hoping you get the 'prize' - which is him. Regardless of what he has told you about his relationship with her and how well you believe you know him, the information you've received is all one-sided and there is another side to the story. You need to prepare yourself for the reality that he will pick her.
Ronni_W Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 The other side is that, even if he DOES pick you, his subsequent guilt and remorse will negatively impact all areas of his life...including his relationship with you. You may then become the scapegoat for his self-criticism and self-judgment -- he may unconsciously arrive at a misguided belief that somehow you are responsible for all the negative consequences of him not living up to the commitment he made to her. He may go back with her just to relieve his guilt and to stop feeling bad about his own actions. IF he does pick you, you may want to strongly encourage him to get individual counseling to help him deal with his own emotional fall-out.
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I am involved as the other woman with a man I love dearly. He is in a 10 yr relationship. They are not married and she is ill, (emotional illness that causes physical pain) He committed to her early on that he would always take care of her but he quickly fell out of love with her after months and years of depression and lack of caring about her physical well being. If you end up with him, then you better realize that there's a high chance that he'll bail out on you and allow himself to fall inlove with another woman. Do you know for a fact she is depressed? Or do you believe everything he's telling you. I ask this because if he is that miserable, don't you think he would have left her already? If anything, she isn't meeting some of his needs and he's found that he can get them from you. Now he has two women meeting his needs.. Well as all affairs go wrong ours did, he confessed. He told her that her self destructive behavior made him fall out of love with her years ago and that he was in love with another woman. She is begging him back and he is torn. has anyone been in a similiar situation. I feel like i'm dying not knowing what is going to happen. He asked me to give him 4 days to decide what he needs to do. HELP. This is awful for everyone involved. Give him time and space. Obviously he cannot make a choice in 4 days, even though he told you that. Hello, how can someone make a choice to throw away a 10 year relationship in 4 days, let alone split up finances, the house, one or both moves out, telling family and friends etc... If he chooses to stay, respect his choice and do not continue an affair with him.
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 You should not be placed in that position - waiting to see what decision is made and hoping you get the 'prize' - which is him. I agree, but when someone has an affair, they put themselves in that situation. Both the CS and the OW/OM.
GreenEyedLady Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Why is he the one picking? See this for what it is. YOU make a choice. The funny thing about A's is that the OW has so much say and just relinquishes it because she thinks she isn't entitled to it. Go for what you want.
NoIDidn't Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Why is he the one picking? See this for what it is. YOU make a choice. The funny thing about A's is that the OW has so much say and just relinquishes it because she thinks she isn't entitled to it. Go for what you want. ITA. Why wait for him to make his choice? You can still live life without putting things on hold waiting for his final decision. Its going to take longer than a week though. Six months to a year is a good time frame for him to make his decision.
OWoman Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 The funny thing about A's is that the OW has so much say and just relinquishes it because she thinks she isn't entitled to it. This I've never understood. I've never had so much power in a R as when I've been the OW. Yet so many OWs portray their positions as utterly disempowered - if that's a choice, fair enough; but if that's not what you want, why are you not claiming the power and having it on your terms?
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