For those considering infidelity

[Rush3041]

This is just a bit of advice for those considering infidelity and possibly a divorce.

 

Often I read where the person says that they are unhappy and they blame their spouse. They give a laundry list of offenses the spouse has committed or basically just complain that the spouse is unloving or the marriage is loveless or unexciting.

 

First, ever consider that while you have been unhappy for X number of years, your spouse has been unhappy for much longer than that? I'll give an example. My wife. We are doing god now but it took a long time to get here.

 

She was abused as a child. her mother was definitely type A and it was her way or the highway to the point of being abusive. My carried some of that with her. Basically she saw relationships as a battle for who was going to be the one to get their way. In other words, if she wanted something, it was her way or the highway.

 

She went about getting her way or attempting to get her way in many ways. An example is that I am highly affectionate, or I was. But she was not. She would do this ting when I would caress her arms where she would say it tickled or itched. This was a classic excuse many times when I tried to just caress. Later she admitt4ed that she did not grow up in an affectionate house and she just wasn't as comfortable with it.

 

During sex, the foreplay is all about her. 10 years later it still is. Needless to say, we don't have sex near as often as we would like. Yes, she actually complains about this more than I do. I sometimes try to talk to her about it but she always has an excuse.

 

When we had disagreements, she would of course vilify me on the phone to her friends or sister.

 

Things were much worse in the beginning but they have only gotten so much better. She was what I have heard termed, passive aggressive. She's not completely heartless, in fact she can be extremely compassionate. She just has this thing where in a relationship, she wants her way and will bully her way to get it. It's really hard to explain it.

 

I'm quite intelligent also but it's funny how if I and one of her friends or family disagree on something, it's always me who must be wrong. I must be the one who doesn't understand something, or heard it wrong, or in some way have it wrong.

 

She doesn't like tomatoes and refuse to eat them one sandwiches or in tacos, etc. But if somebody doesn't like something she does, they are weird. Getting the picture? She's somewhat of a control freak I would say.

 

 

Well anyway, at times in our relationship, she wasn't happy to the extent that she was going to leave. I of course was the problem. Well gee, really? I wonder why? Maybe because that street went both ways and I felt disrespected, taken for granted, bullied, etc... I'm not a wimp or a pushover. In the beginning, Idid go out of my way to make her happy, but after awhile you just stop trying so hard when you aren't getting what you want, or aren't being treated the way you want.

 

Basically what I am saying is that if your spouse isn't treating you the way you want to be treated, it might be because of the way you have treated them.

 

Here's an experiement. Find a spider with a very nice orb web. Trash part of the web. Go back the next day and you are likely to find the web looking like new. Trash it again. Next day you wil likely find it the same as before. But eventually, the web will start looking half built. Eventually it might just be a few strings. Eventually the spider just gives up. This is of course if the spider is still attached to that spot for some reason. Other wise, the spider will just find a new spot.

 

Relationships can be the same way. You may have been trashing your partner's web. Maybe you knew you were dong it and maybe you didn't. But maybe the reason you aren't happy anymore is beacuse in your selfishness, you were trashing their web and now they aren't trying anymore. They've given up hope that their efforts will bear any fruit.

 

 

For instance, I went to Australia. I hooked up with a girl who turned out to be a childhood best friend of Nicole Kidman. She had pics to prove it. Anyway, when I did the chivalry things, she would make a big to do over it. I mean she wouldn't hesitate to go out of her way to be very appreciuative aof simple things like opening a door for her, or holding her seat for her as we sat down in a restaurant and then helping her slide it forward. The reason she did was because she wasn't used to it as Australian men don't do that stuff. I have to dmit I wanted to do it for her more and more. Her reactions were genuine. American women often didn't even say thank you or just acted like it was no big deal.

 

My point is, do you make your spouse feel special when they do things for you? Maybe you think are showing them you appreciate them but maybe you aren't.

 

 

 

Here's a little test. You tell your husband to remember to bring in the trash cans when you get home because last time they were blaocking your way into your parking spot. Now maybe he has generally been a good guy but today he forgot to go back out and get the cans. He probably meant to but got distracted.

 

SO you drive up and the cans are blocking your way. You walk in with the groceries and your husband says "Hey beautiful, can I help you with those?" You proceed to bite his head off and remind him that he forgot to get the trash cans and of course want to make sure he feels your pain and make sure he knows just how put out you are.

 

But as you are putting away your groceries, your friend calls, She has stood you up for lunch three times this week without calling ahead. Always had an excuse later though. She stood you up again today and now she's calling to give you her excuse. You answer the phone after seeing the caller ID and you answer with a sweet voice and promptly tell her not to worry abnout it, stuff comes up after all.

 

I mean, your husband is supposed to be the perosn you care about most but when you are disappointed in what he has done or not done, you go off and brow beat and make sure he feels your pain.. In short, you act like an A hole. But your friend, who may not even be your friend in a year, you are all sugary sweet to.

 

Maybe it's because you knwo she can just stop being friends at the frop of a hat. The hubby though, well who cares, you can take him for granted, kick him like the proverbial dog, and of course he's just supposed to take it, right? Ever hear the old daying you can only kick a dog so many times before he won't come to you? Or something like that?

 

 

 

Anyway, I sort of felt a lot like that. I ended up feeling like I had the stuffing beat out of me. I just didn't even feel like trying anymore. I still liked myself. I just didn't feel like doing anything to impress my wife anymore. I had even went so far as to tell her that if I had it to do all over again, I probably wouldn't have married her. That was what prompted the two times she almost left.

 

 

 

 

Anyway, this is a long story but we are doing better even if we aren't perfect. She ended up wanting to go to counseling and I didn't because at the time, my view was that the counselors were just going to tell me how I was a failure as a man and a husband and it was all my fault. Heck, I think my wife actually felt that way when she decided she wanted it.

 

But I ended up going eventually and I was surprised. First of all, this was a faith based counselor. I find them to be much different and yes, better. He didn't talk like many of the counselors before. We had one session to vent and get comfortable and then the secodn session he stopped me from venting and said it wasn't going to solve anything.

 

HE then procedded to explain how thigs would go. He held up an ink pen and said if you aren't holding the pen, you don't talk at all. But then he said when you are holding it, there was a way in which you were allowed to talk and a way you weren't.

 

For instance, when I was talking about something my wife had done that really hurt me, I had to say stuff, "When you you wouldn't even listen to my opinon on going to your parents house for Christmas, I felt..."

 

Now, at various points throught this, I wqs to give her the pen but all she was allowed to do was repeat back what I said to clarify that she understands what I said. That's all. It is just an opportunity for her to show that she heard and understood what I said. It isn't an opportunity for her to just say, "Well that's not what I intended so you just need to get over it."

 

That's the basics of it. In the end, she gets an opportunity to respond where she would be able to say something like, "I'm sorry you felt that way, I didn't know. It wasn't my intention to make you feel that way.

 

Then she would get her turn to do the talking where she explaisn her side of it. The key here is you are explaining what you were thinking, why you were thinking it, how you felt, etc... You never try to tell the person what they felt, what they should do, etc... You make a lot of "I statements" and never any "You statements"

 

In other words, Like I said, you can say, "I felt you were taking me for granted when you told your parents we would come before even talking it over with me. And I felt betrayed when you admitted you did that so that I could not say no." But you can't say, "You take me for granted all the time."

 

 

What I can tell you is that it works. Heck, my wife started crying when she had to repeat back what I said the first time. She said it made her see things from my point of view instead of her point of view.

 

 

 

If you once had a relaitonship where it felt exciting and you thought this person was worth investing the rest of your life in them, but now you feel it is over, you might want to look for one of these marriage couselors. Just be prepared ot have your eyes opened to the fact that it isn't just the other person. WHile you may think they take you for granted because they don't appreciate all these things you go SOOO out of your way to do for them but be prepared to learn that you aren't paying attention to them because they've tried to tell you waht they want and need out of the relationship but you've also ignored them and taken them for granted. While you;ve been doing X for them, they don't eant X, they want Y. Don't feel indignant about that because you in fact are upset because that's exactly what they are doing to you that has you upset. You want A and they are giving you B.

 

It's an eye opener.

[imagine]

Thank you for this detailed letter.

 

Glad to hear that your relationship is on the up!

[Lookingforward]

For instance, I went to Australia. I hooked up with a girl who turned out to be a childhood best friend of Nicole Kidman. She had pics to prove it. Anyway, when I did the chivalry things, she would make a big to do over it. I mean she wouldn't hesitate to go out of her way to be very appreciuative aof simple things like opening a door for her, or holding her seat for her as we sat down in a restaurant and then helping her slide it forward. The reason she did was because she wasn't used to it as Australian men don't do that stuff. I have to dmit I wanted to do it for her more and more. Her reactions were genuine. American women often didn't even say thank you or just acted like it was no big deal.

 

Do you always believe generalities about a whole sub section of society on one person's word?

 

I was born and raised downunder and trust me, the men there can be as well mannered as anywhere else, think she was feeding your ego a line LOL

[stuckinoz]

This should be an eye opener to anyone who is in a marriage that is either on a path of distruction......or on the path to reconciliation.

 

The lyrics to the song are correct "You always hurt the ones you love"

 

Though we don't do it intentionally most of the time - It does happen.

 

Thank you for sharing your story.

[Lookingforward]

fwiw - I don't believe people "consider" committing infidelity the way they may "consider" repainting the livingroom......... I think infidelity catches people unawares a lot more than we think.

[stuckinoz]

fwiw - I don't believe people "consider" committing infidelity the way they may "consider" repainting the livingroom......... I think infidelity catches people unawares a lot more than we think.

 

I would disagree with that statement. I know of people who have given infidelity a considerable amount of consideration before actually taking the leap into someone elses arms. A friend of mine contemplated it, visited online & via the phone with the man, for the better part of 4 months prior to the first meeting. I would say that is giving it consideration. Plenty of time to change your mind. I also know of other men that have said they are definitely "Shopping" or "Fishing" for the affair. I think it happens more than we know - or more than most people admit.