pjbouchard Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I've been dating a recently divorced guy for a little under a year and a half. (I'm 25, he's 34). I broke up with him mid June becuase there was no progress in the relationship and it was all me putting in the effort. He was hurt and said he would miss me deeply but acknowledged that he couldn't give himself to me fully like I deserved. (He was going through depression from the bankruptcy he had to declare as a result of the divorce) A month later, in mid July, he called me and asked me if he could take me out for my birthday- that he missed me and wanted to see me. I let him take me out, and we had an awesome time- he was happier in general and said that he was healthier for a relationship and he wanted to try again....that he wanted to take it slow, but slow with progress- not slow without progress like we were before. We agreed and for the next 2 weeks, it was pretty much him that pursued me. Then it slowly started to become me who initiated all the dates (2 a week, usually, which is more than we saw eachother the first time around.) Part of me is happy, because before, we never saw eachother that often, but I'm still kind of irritated that its back to me initiating them. He says it's because he's had no money recently so he CANT initiate dates. The last couple times we've hung out it's either me suggesting we go to the park or just for a drive or me taking him out for a drink or two. I asked him last time we hung out why he doesn't initiate the dates anymore, and he said it was because he had a rough couple weeks with family birthdays and a laywer bill (he gets paid bi-weekly). I told him that I would really love it that ,even if he doesnt have the money, if he would at least tell me he'd like to see me and said "I've been somewhat broke and it's not like I can tell you to come over (he moved back in with his parents after the divorce and hasnt been able to afford moving out yet) and I'd feel like a loser asking you to go to the park or something" I told him that I would find it very sweet if he did and he was like "No, I'm a guy, I can't do it." Do you buy this excuse? or do you think he's just getting lazy cuz he sees that he won me over again? or do you think I'm just being paranoid? I'm just so scared of things falling back to the way they used to be. When I ask him, he says that he thinks things are better this time around but he still doesnt TELL me he cares about me unless I ask, and since he hasnt been initiating the dates, I can't really tell that he wants me- he just agrees to go along with my plans. Usually I'm pretty good at telling if a guy cares by how he treats me, but I'm just so scared that things are going to go back the way they were. When we're together, he's attentive and affectionate and awesome...but he still won't talk about the future or tell me how he cares about me. I'm not a needy person, but he makes me feel needy because he doesn't come outright and tell me how he feels about me and he doesnt he doesnt make the effort to make plans with me. It's driving me crazy! If I ask how things are going, he tells me "great" but he never just comes outright and says it. If I suggest something to do and when to do it he says "ok sounds great" but he never asks or suggests it himself? Should I just deal with the fact that this is how he is????? If so, how do I NOT feel insecure in the relationship??? So how do I decipher if this is the "real thing" or not? Should I tell him that for us to be in a relationship that he needs to make me feel wanted/cared about? is that reasonable? I don't want to sound like I'm nagging and I DO know that he needs to go slow because of his divorce. and like I said before, when we are together, he's affectionate, attentive and caring- more than he was the first time around. it's just when we're apart that I start to wonder. . .a lot of it is me being worried that things are going to go back to the way they were. Should I just give it time or should I say something about it now? What should I look for in terms of if things are getting better/ things aren't going to get better?
goldencloud Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 honestly, its hard to assess situations like this because there are so many angles to take it from. however from my perspective it really does feel as though he might be taking you for granted. see, i agree with you..putting effort doesnt necessarily mean spending till u cant spend anymore...but its the little things and it seems that's lacking perhpas he knows he has you, and thus doesnt feel he needs to exert any effort...thus he's perhpas temporarily forgotten the value you have a person...but that doesnt mean you should forget YOUR value because in the end you need to care about yourself..and why engage in a lack lustre type arrangement when you can have a man who treats u in a manner that makes u happy the more u question him etc..the more he'll retreat in passing perhaps if u feel u have to, mention it ..how u feel he's de-valuing your with his lack of initiation/effort..and then leave it, and see how he reacts if roles were reversed, regardless of monetary deficiences, im sure u would have thought of ways to make him know that he is still special to u anyways thats my 2 cents, hope it helps!
Shygirl15 Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Dump him. Period. He's not worth it. I could have sworn we dated the same person if it wasn't for that part about moving back with parents. It was always the same way with me; he was always broke, always bitching about how his divorce has brought him down financially, always me initiating dates and PAYING. But one day I realized that, no matter how much I (think I) love him, his problems were HIS problems, and they shouldn't affect me. I take care of my finances very well, so why be burdened by someone else's problems? I dumped him. End of story. You BF may be financially not well, but he's also taking advantage of you, since you haven't showed that his cheapness is bothering you. Your dating life should be enjoyable rather than full of worries if he likes you or not, or how you're going to pay for the next date.
Author pjbouchard Posted September 9, 2008 Author Posted September 9, 2008 Oh, since he stopped initiating dates because he was low on $, we've been hanging out, but I haven't been really paying for anything. Basically I've been asking him if he wants to go for a drive or go visit a park (which he has had an awesome time with me doing both, but apparently it makes him feel like a loser asking me to do something cheap like that!!!) I'm better off financially than him, but other than the occasional treat, I can't really afford to be footing the bill for everything. Like I said before, it's not about the money for me...I just want to know that he wants to be with me. And if he has issues asking me out when he's low on $, and he doesnt like to verbally express his feelings, how am I supposed to know?????
Lucky_One Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 So what's the problem with hanging out at his parent's house? Watch movies, eat popcorn, play Parchesi, let his mom teach you to knit.
Lucky_One Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Or for that matter - why don't the two of you just hang out at your place? Cook dinner, watch movies, canoodle, paint the guest room.
Author pjbouchard Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 So I brought up to him today that I feel like since he's won me back and his needs in the relationship have been met, that hes stopped trying to nuture the relationship and hasn't made me feel wanted/cared about. That it would be great if he could work on making me feel cared about- that he hasn't been initiating contact and hasnt been telling me how he feels, so I haven't had much to work with. He got into how he can't suggest things to do because he's broke, and then regarding him not telling me how he feels about me, he said "everyone is different. it flows from some people and doesnt from others. it's something that cant be forced and must come naturally." then he said "I feel like you will never be happy unless I tell you I love you." I said that we got back together with the prospect of progress in the relationship- not immediately jumping into love, but growing, so every bit of emotion/feeling that he shows toward me I value and treasure. Then he said "If things don't go at your speed or the way you want, you get upset." I told him that I'm not upset. . . just trying to be honest with him and then told him that I will work more at looking into his actions not is words. Then he cut the conversation off and said he had to get back to work. 4 hours later, he texts me something like nothing happened!!! I dont know whats going on or what to do or how to act. All I want is for us to grow closer. I want him to be able to open his heart up to me and not keep holding me at arm's length. I need a plan of action here though. Do I continue suggesting plans and tell him how I feel about him? or should I let him set the pace? I have no clue! Help!!
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