verytired Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 It has been 3 months tomorrow, since she said those ugly words. "I don't love you and I think we should separate" My cliched reactions are detailled elsewhere on this site. We still live in the same house, we're still trying to find a reasonable (cheap) solution. We seem to have agreed my son will live with me and my daughter will live with her, and every other weekend we'll all be together. Some people would call that progress - the idea that I will definitely see my daughter 2 days out of every 14. That my son, who loves his sister will see her sometimes. Progress? She still seems to be seeing the OM (albeit she has said they are now just "very good friends" hah!) But we have found a way to be not at war with each other. She has softened. Maybe that greener grass is starting to turn a little brown. So then, after all the angry words one night I put my head round the bedroom door to see if she was asleep and she looked up with those big green eyes and we smiled. And then we hugged because telling the kids we're breaking up was just terrible for all of us and we both needed.. comfort. And then last wednesday night at 2 in the morning she says " I still do love you" and "I wish this wasn't happening" and I tell her "yeah, but you've ruined everything and there's no undoing that" But, my stupid heart leapt. Something in me said "maybe that's a light at the end of the tunnel" Stupid emotions. Stupid Me. Haven't been kissed for 11 weeks, and it's not about the "release" but this is the longest I've been for 30 YEARS without connecting, and feeling reassured, and feeling warmth. Last night we sat in the same room (not been able to do that for some time) and a film came on the TV. She came and sat beside me on the sofa. I could feel her warmth radiating. I could smell the freshness of her just-washed clothes. In this film there's a woman who has never really been happy but doesn't know why since her guy is a really solid great guy (sounds familiar), and then she meets this guy at work and they go out a few times (sounds very familiar), and then one night they end up going back to his place and the flirting gets more intense (this is a story I've read in an email on her computer recently too) and then he takes off his glasses (hmm... OM wears glasses) leans across to kiss her and... my eyes explode, didn't see that coming... end of nice night in front of TV with wife. I shout NO! I CANNOT WATCH THIS! I can not. All i can see is her kissing him and the beautiful uninhibited unpeeling of clothes, of mouths abandoned to the moment, of hands roaming freely... I run from the room. Upstairs my hands are shaking so much I cannot pick up a tissue box. Didn't see it coming. Dazzled by the desire to escape harsh reality and bury my head in her neck. I went out and drove round for 4 hours. oh my stupid heart. She got to me didn't she? She made me wish I could put my arms round her. I had decided I would get through this, that I would not feel all that love any more. I thought I was tough, but I heard "I still love you" and something in me said "she wants you, you are not rejected, you are not ugly and useless" Ironically, I never was, she just managed to make me feel like that somewhere along the way. And now I'm back at square one. Sobbing like a stupid f*ck. She will still go out and see him this week, and I will not even vaguely want anyone else - but just fail to understand how I got where I am, and have to reconstruct my armour. Funny thing is, after the 2AM talk, we went to bed together and she folded into me and I could feel all her nearly-nakedness against me and my body reacted like mens bodies do, but she turned towards me and I realised I couldn't kiss her. I don't know where that mouth's been.
norajane Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 I have no good advice, just want to say I'm sorry this is happening and to send some good vibes your way...
LostHusband Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 The reason I ask how the movie ended is - did the woman in the movie end up happily ever after with the man she was having an affair with? I doubt it, that isn't a very good or realistic ending. Most affairs do end eventually, and then there is only guilt and regret.
NewSunrise Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 VT, Sorry you're going through this crap. Been there so I can relate though no kids. I think you're handling it quite well. Natural and very easy to slip little jabs. Just be careful. Sometimes, silence is your best response. Also be very careful in suppressing too much of your emotions. Are you seeking counseling? Might be a good idea to vent some of your emotions to get unbiased advice. Most insurance will cover marital counseling with copay of $30 for 8 sessions. If your IC feels you need additional help, they will submit request for authorization for additional sessions. Hang in there.
Rooster_DAR Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 The reason I ask how the movie ended is - did the woman in the movie end up happily ever after with the man she was having an affair with? I doubt it, that isn't a very good or realistic ending. Most affairs do end eventually, and then there is only guilt and regret. Very true, but statistically the spouse never returns to the previous marriage either.
Author verytired Posted September 9, 2008 Author Posted September 9, 2008 I didn't see any more of the film - I had to leave the house and go fall apart in private. Frankly, I hope they both died in a freak explosion before they had a chance to consummate the relationship, but that would be a pretty serious plot twist.
Ronni_W Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 We seem to have agreed my son will live with me and my daughter will live with her, ... my son, who loves his sister will see her sometimes. I haven't seen anything to suggest that it is a good idea to also tear apart siblings like that (unless they are old enough to understand the implications and consequences, and have said that is what they want.) The reasoning goes that the split-up of the parents is traumatic enough and the children will draw strength and support from each other, whether or not they can or do verbalize it. Also about maintaining, as much as possible, familiar routines and family 'rituals' (supper, bedtime, after-school & weekend activities, etc.) Possibly a consult with a child or family psychologist can assist in establishing best new living arrangements and/or how to communicate major changes in age-appropriate ways, to ensure least amount of emotional distress (on the kids' already-overloaded little hearts)? Sending hugs and good wishes to all of you.
Author verytired Posted September 13, 2008 Author Posted September 13, 2008 So are you suggesting it would be more traumatic for him to be separate from his sister (he is 15, she is 10) than his father? I do not want to separate them. My son and his mother don't get on so well - I am his emotional support, the one he talks to, and at 15 years of age we can both see his need to be with me is greater than his need to be with his 10 year-old sister. My wife will not agree to both of them living with me and under the laws here in the UK if she fought me would probably end up with custody of both children which totally favour the mother - even though it would not be what is best for my son. Oh and all this while she has had an extra-marital relationship and is the one who wants to ruin everything, and the law here refuses to apportion blame. In some ways the easy choice would be for me to walk away, but I think my son would think I was abandoning him if I did.
SingleDad Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 It is unusual to break up the children - they usually spend time together and go between each parent's house... If nothing else the children should have some time together each week... they are no the ones getting the divorce
Ronni_W Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 So are you suggesting it would be more traumatic for him to be separate from his sister (he is 15, she is 10) than his father? No, I wasn't suggesting that at all. It is going to be traumatic for him and his sister no matter WHAT the new living arrangements are. You have obviously done a thorough job taking into consideration your son's likely emotional development needs. But your daughter may be left having to cope with the fact that BOTH her dad AND her brother (both her male "heroes") are abandoning her...at the exact same time in her life. Given the traumatic nature of events, the ten-year old may need MORE empathy, understanding and allowance than the 15 y/o? Which, of course, can be child counseling and her brother making sure to be a strong and consistent presence and support for her ~ phone, webcam, email, text, however many ways you can manage to help him do that. I certainly didn't intend to make it about your biatch of an ex-wife...but about your innocent daughter and son.
SmartWoman321 Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Just have to jump in here- When my stbx moved out 8 months ago, my 16 year old son went with him- even though my son adn I get a long fine. My 12 year old daughter and 13 year old son live with me. They are all doing just fine. My 16 year old feels quite "independant", offers company for his dad and the best thing is that he treats his brother and sister better when he sees them! The younger ones finally have some peace in the house without older brother teasing them, they see dad and brother a few times a week and actually said they LIKE it this way. For us, it works perfectly fine.
TrustInYourself Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 Just have to jump in here- When my stbx moved out 8 months ago, my 16 year old son went with him- even though my son adn I get a long fine. My 12 year old daughter and 13 year old son live with me. They are all doing just fine. My 16 year old feels quite "independant", offers company for his dad and the best thing is that he treats his brother and sister better when he sees them! The younger ones finally have some peace in the house without older brother teasing them, they see dad and brother a few times a week and actually said they LIKE it this way. For us, it works perfectly fine. Would they tell you if they were miserable if they knew you and their father were happier in this situation?
SmartWoman321 Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 yes, they would tell me. Actually, they wouldn't have to- I can tell. My daughter skips happily around, my sons greades have gone up and my oldest son has more freinds at school. I took them to an IC in the beginning- they all went just 2 times when the IC said they don't have to come anhymore because they all seem just fine with the situation. Really, even though they are very sad about dad and I living apart, they are perfectly ok about being "split up"- well, we kept the 12 and 14 year olds together here with me. The 16 year old is forming a great new bond with dad. We pass the kids back and forth all the time at anyones request- its very easy going. I guess I got lucky in this case.
n9688m Posted September 15, 2008 Posted September 15, 2008 We pass the kids back and forth all the time at anyones request- its very easy going. I guess I got lucky in this case. How did custody not come into dispute as a fnancial issue driving child support?
Mr. Lucky Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 We still live in the same house, we're still trying to find a reasonable (cheap) solution. To me, living in the same house once you've agreed to separate is torture for the "left-behind" spouse. I don't care what your reasons are (and I understand they are usually financial), how does the BS deal with a relationship that looks like a marriage in every way except intimacy, caring, affection and future viability? I'm not surprised you're falling apart... Mr. Lucky
SmartWoman321 Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 How did custody not come into dispute as a fnancial issue driving child support? Keep in mind -we have 3 kids in puberty. We would pay each other to TAKE them. LOL. just kidding. We have filed uncontested- we have agreed to open and joint shared and flexible parenting time. With me haveing physical custody of 2 and him having physical of one, and based on the money we make, I actually owe him about 10 bucks a month! So there really isn't any child support going back and forth. And thats fine- both of us can just barely afford to support ourselves, if he had to pay me any child support, I would probably give it to him first in spousal support so that he could afford to pay it. Niether of us wants any hardships on the other. The lady at the FOC was impressed with our aggreeability.
n9688m Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Niether of us wants any hardships on the other. The lady at the FOC was impressed with our aggreeability. So why are you getting divorced? Can you really be such good friends and have such a history together yet there is no hope romantically? Basically a brother and sister as parents?!?!?! That said - why not just live together platonically? Maybe even have a platonic marriage?
SmartWoman321 Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 So why are you getting divorced? Can you really be such good friends and have such a history together yet there is no hope romantically? Basically a brother and sister as parents?!?!?! That said - why not just live together platonically? Maybe even have a platonic marriage? Well, we are not "good freinds" exactly, because we have not much in common. And we basically HAVE been living together platonically for many years (once a month sex and not intimate at all) ALl we CAN be is friends and parents. And I don't want a marriage like that anymore. Would you? Thats why we are getting divorced, cause I don't want to be married to my "brother".
n9688m Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 And I don't want a marriage like that anymore. Would you? Thats why we are getting divorced, cause I don't want to be married to my "brother". Yes I can understand that - particularly as it seems the feelings (or lack thereof) were mutual from your description. I guess the puzzle then is - why did you get married in the first place if apparently neither of you romantically loved the other?
SmartWoman321 Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Yes I can understand that - particularly as it seems the feelings (or lack thereof) were mutual from your description. I guess the puzzle then is - why did you get married in the first place if apparently neither of you romantically loved the other? ********* thats a whole other story! Its in the other thread.
Author verytired Posted September 18, 2008 Author Posted September 18, 2008 Ok, let's try this a different way... My wife wants out of the marriage. I would have wanted to work on it, but not now she's been unfaithful. It's over. My son (15) loves me a lot but his mother is still part of him. They don't get on so well (frankly she is a bitch to him because he is a LOT like me) and she wants to control him like she wanted to control me, but can't because I won't support her in her suppression of his personality. It is one of the things we argue about, and one of her fears is that he won't want anything to do with her once we separate so she will keep my daughter away from me. To get her own back. My daughter (10) is about 50/50 between the two of us in all respects. really, she has woke in the night the last 3 nights and called out for me to get into her bed and comfort her, but at the same time she is a lot like her mother and is a girl about to engage puberty (which doesn't scare me at all, but might seem a bit weird to her). I tuck her in at night, I take her swimming, I help her with her homework. I talk to her about life - her mother makes lunches and brings her shopping and takes her to dance classes. Her brother loves her too. He likes to make her laugh and be kind to her - he has this loving kindness gene he inherited from me. He will miss her terribly. He is a very loving, sensitive person - like I am. We are not all the same, are we? She doesn't really give a crap about him. She is very focussed on herself (reminds me of her mother) I'm not being harsh, but it's the reality of the situation. he loves her more than she loves him. I love my wife far more than she ever loved me. Truth. I love my daughter more than her mother does, but I can still see her for what she is... a bit more... selfish. If I had custody of my daughter I could definitely bring out the best in her, If my sbtxw had custody of my son she might bully him until he was a bit more like her, but not much. But the law in this country doesn't care about any of that. So, without assuming I have presented a totally one-sided view of things, you tell me who should live with who?
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