got an email from exsMM's W

[Tomcat33]

Oh please there is nothing embarrassing about checking who your spouse is chatting with. What's embarrassing is getting caught pining away for a married man and getting caught doing it.

 

 

Ooooook then. I suppose these two words must feel natural to you too: Parole Officer.

 

Who said LF was pining away? You never got curious about past guys/women you went out with? (I don't know if you are male of female)

Does that make you pining away? I have looked up in facebook boyfriends that I was with when I was 16 BIG F'N deal doesn't mean I wanna get back with them it just means I am curious to see how they are doing, nothing more.

[noforgiveness]

Even BETTER! Now she is paranoid because she cheate. The bottom line is it's her sick mess, deal with it. If you can't trust the man you are with get out instead of making a fool of yourself by contacting every tom diiick and harry that visits your H's site.

 

 

personally I think you just hate all wives. Jealous perhaps.

 

You seem so unhappy. I'm sorry.

[jj33]

Its normal on both sides. Normal to look back and normal not to want the xOW to contact your H.

 

Much as I was the OW I can understand how threatening that could be. You might trust but having that same person come back into the frame in any way would have to feel like a red flag.

[Owl]

...is clearly paranoid ...

 

One of my favorite sayings..."Just because you think there's an enemy hiding behind every bush...it doesn't meant that there isn't!"

 

She's got REASON to be paranoid. Her H added LF to his contact/friends list.

 

You know full well that 'exes' are the primary OW/OM out there. That shared history is exactly why contact with them OFTEN results in an affair.

 

She found that her H added LF to his 'friends' list...and stepped up to avoid having her marriage destroyed.

 

That's not paranoid...that's SMART.

 

What I don't understand is the anger and venom aimed at the wife? What has SHE done to deserve these comments, really? She fought to save her marriage...successfully. How does that make her the bad girl here? How does this make her into a horrible person?

[Owl]

Its normal on both sides. Normal to look back and normal not to want the xOW to contact your H.

 

Much as I was the OW I can understand how threatening that could be. You might trust but having that same person come back into the frame in any way would have to feel like a red flag.

 

That, JJ, is called 'empathy'.

 

The ability to put yourself into the other person's shoes.

 

You've clearly got it in spades...and that is an AWESOME thing. Others can learn a lot from you.

[Tomcat33]

personally I think you just hate all wives. Jealous perhaps.

 

You seem so unhappy. I'm sorry.

 

Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn what you think of me!

[Tomcat33]

She's got REASON to be paranoid. Her H added LF to his contact/friends list.

 

You know full well that 'exes' are the primary OW/OM out there. That shared history is exactly why contact with them OFTEN results in an affair.

 

She found that her H added LF to his 'friends' list...and stepped up to avoid having her marriage destroyed.

 

That's not paranoid...that's SMART.

 

If she were smart it would not have taken a year or however long to clue into the fact that her H was with LF. So what was it then did they have an A or not? They WERE seperated.

 

What I don't understand is the anger and venom aimed at the wife? What has SHE done to deserve these comments, really? She fought to save her marriage...successfully. How does that make her the bad girl here? How does this make her into a horrible person?

 

Who's angry?

 

 

This is her life sentence I just don't see how LF has anything to do with that or why some people feel the need to put HER down? There is nothing embarassing about what LF did. She just looked at his online profile for god's sake, get over it I say to those that are hyper analizing this. As per the W and her parnoia she should ask her H why he added LF to his contacts, NOT LF. I find it lame that she would go to the "enemy" over her own husband, one that supposedly she faught hard to get to this so called place of recovery, for answers. I see it differently, there is neither trust being built there

NOR recovery. If they were working though it she should be contacting her H for answers not LF.

 

Last I checked she was married to her H not LF.

[Tomcat33]

 

Much as I was the OW I can understand how threatening that could be. You might trust but having that same person come back into the frame in any way would have to feel like a red flag.

 

 

 

I agree, this is why she should be working it out with her H not LF.

[Owl]

How would anyone here KNOW for sure if she is or isnt' 'working it out with her H'?

 

Having been in similar shoes to hers, I'd bet good money that she very probably IS working with her H extensively...but she's covering ALL her bases by contacting LF too.

 

I'd be amazed if she were doing anything less.

 

You find it "lame" that she'd go to the enemy...well...I hardly find your viewpoint surprising.

[Tomcat33]

OWL if after over a year of NC you found out your W added her ex A partner to some job networking site would you contact him to get the information?

[Owl]

I'd do both...and then compare the stories.

 

I'd confront my wife, get her "side".

 

I wouldn't tell her, but I'd contact him, and get HIS "side".

 

I'd also snoop around the website in question to find out how the notification process worked for myself.

 

And THEN I'd decide what the truth most likely was.

 

Assuming of course I didn't walk after the deal breaker of resuming contact with him.

[Tomcat33]

Would you do it after 5, 10, 15 years?

[Owl]

If there was contact...yes.

 

I KNOW how dangreous resumed contact is...and most BS's 'instinctively' know this as well.

[bish]

Background... earlier this year as it was coming up to the one year mark since I moved in with exsMM and then he left to return to "work on his M and be with his kids" and we went LC then NC for all that time; I was feeling a little sad and lonely and did a search on his and his W's names on a couple of classmates/reunion type sites.

 

Why are you searching her? Its bad enough you were sleeping with her husband, was there something about you that you just couldn't leave her alone or leave her out of it? Haven't you done enough?

 

 

Then last week out of the blue I get an email to say I had a msge on that site so I logged in to find an email from his W. The basic gist of it was "what are you doing searching for me on the internet" (umm...free country last time I looked honey)

 

His wife has a point. Why were you searching her? His wife is justified in being concerned and contacting a woman that boned her husband and is searching her on the internet. She'd be also justified in classifying you as a stalker.

 

 

and "why is xxx (her H) connected to you on your profile as a friend".

 

I haven't replied and am not all that inclined to, but was thinking it's ironic that now after over a year of NC she will believe we were still talking.

 

Let me get this straight, you are suppose to be NC, yet you search them both, she finds out.....uh, do you think it is unreasonable that she thinks what that? You aren't looking at this through her eyes and it doesn't surprise me in the least.

 

 

 

Should I email her and set her straight or just let it be?

 

What are you going to set her straight about? You going to tell her that you didn't search her on the internet like some obsessed woman?

 

Or are you willing to simply reply and say, "I'm sorry, I was curious, I'll leave you two alone." and be done with it? I'd really like to know if you would respond like that, or take an attitude with her as if you were the one that is the victim here.

[jj33]

That, JJ, is called 'empathy'.

 

The ability to put yourself into the other person's shoes.

 

You've clearly got it in spades...and that is an AWESOME thing. Others can learn a lot from you.

 

Thanks Owl. I appreciate that. Its all too easy to get caught up in our "roles" in the A. But in 99% of cases I would like to think that the OP is not on a mission to break up a marriage and not on a mission to hurt anyone including the BS.

 

If you dont apply a "bright line" test on this issue (adultery) there are huge grey areas (its ok in a known marriage of convenience was the grey area that eventually led me to abandon my bright line).

 

But regardless noone wants to be betrayed and despite moments of anger and venting I dont think anyone wants to heap more hurt on someone else just to "win". Or they wouldnt if they really thought about it.

 

The problem as I see it is the grey area grows, either OP is told the person is one foot out the door wait its just a matter of months and it doesnt happen (as in WSs case tho that may still be a success story), or in my case the paralell life to a marriage (or the merger as I call it) of convenience was too big to fit into its little box. Things get out of control, people are hurt people lie etc etc.

 

Its harder for me to speak to those situations where people are unhappy in their marriages and act out of the frustration and disappointment of unmet needs without planning to leave. Those would appear to be the trickiest because then there is a possibly unforgiveable betrayal of trust and at a minimum a huge process of rebuilding the marriage.

 

Its so delicate. The whole house of cards could come tumbling down at any time. Enter even a whiff of an OP and alarm bells would have to ring. Actually I respect her for contacting LF (with no disrespect to LF). She is being the big dog in the yard - get away from my man. It may seem desparate to Tomcat but its a desparate situation. If you dont want to walk away from the M, I would suppose you do whatever you can to keep things on track.

 

I struggle with the choice I made to even accept a grey area. I learned that even if the situation works for MM and his wife, it doesnt work for me. I am not a member of staff doing my part to ensure that the M runs smoothly.

 

If someone cheated on me it would devastate me. These things are tricky for everyone involved and leaving isnt as easy as it may seem from the outside. The idea of forgiving CS and then finding that they are in contact with the OP is chilling.

[bish]

I'm not angry at all, but I do loathe cheaters so there you go, I have zero compassion for her....and I have moved on - her concern is only for.

 

Well geez...wish I would have seen this before I replied.

 

But it still doesn't change the fact that you shouldn't be surprised at her reaction to you not only searching her husband, but more so that you also searched her?

 

Really, out of curiosity, I can see why you searched him, but why did you search her?

[Tomcat33]

If there was contact...yes.

 

I KNOW how dangreous resumed contact is...and most BS's 'instinctively' know this as well.

 

Cool. Which is why I said:

 

she is clearly paranoid about her H and that's what you get for staying with a known proven cheater, that's something she will sadly NEVER shake, but it is her choice. It's her cross to bear not your problem to set that straight. The bottom line is it doesn't matter if you were googling him, Face Booking him, Mypacing, NO MATTER. The internet is a free place to roam, he could have a website or a blog there are no rules in terms of what you can and cannot view.

 

Why is it that if I state a fact I am told I am angry?

[Owl]

Cool. Which is why I said:

 

 

 

Why is it that if I state a fact I am told I am angry?

 

Because using phrases like "she's clearly paranoid", and "that's what you get for staying with a known proven cheater" come across as angry and judgemental of someone who's clearly just defending her marriage.

 

How you say something dictates how your words are taken as much as anything else.

 

Make sense?

[Terminator]

I would think the W would be better served asking her H why he is on LF's contact list rather than LF, or perhaps she doesn't want to hear THAT answer.

 

The way I see it, the W cheated on the H, he left her and found LF, then for whatever reason decided to move back with his W.

 

I can't see why it's LF's place to have to tell the W anything, from what I understand she hasn't been in contact with him.

[Tomcat33]

I would think the W would be better served asking her H why he is on LF's contact list rather than LF, or perhaps she doesn't want to hear THAT answer.

 

The way I see it, the W cheated on the H, he left her and found LF, then for whatever reason decided to move back with his W.

 

I can't see why it's LF's place to have to tell the W anything, from what I understand she hasn't been in contact with him.

 

That is exactly my point. Furthermore if she wants to tell this woman "get a life and leave me alone" I would think she has every right to do so. It's one thing to snoop at someone's profile online it's another to keep probing someone who has nothing to do with your marriage anymore for explanations on your partner.

 

Because using phrases like "she's clearly paranoid", and "that's what you get for staying with a known proven cheater" come across as angry and judgemental of someone who's clearly just defending her marriage.

 

How you say something dictates how your words are taken as much as anything else.

 

Make sense?

 

Sure I can accept that it's your interpretation like I interpret a lot of the crap folk post on the OW board as bitter and they seem to think it's fine. It's all perception really.

[Terminator]

Just an afterthought - it appears the only person that's actually dealing with a cheater here is the H, which may explain the W's reaction to this current situation.

 

When you've been the cheater perhaps you're more sensitive to the possibility.

[wildsoul]

I'd do both...and then compare the stories.

 

I'd confront my wife, get her "side".

 

I wouldn't tell her, but I'd contact him, and get HIS "side".

 

I'd also snoop around the website in question to find out how the notification process worked for myself.

 

And THEN I'd decide what the truth most likely was.

 

Assuming of course I didn't walk after the deal breaker of resuming contact with him.

Ditto. I would do those same things.

 

If I was the W working on my M, there would be some kind of agreement about NC with any xOP's. If I saw that that my H had added the xOP to his friends list, I'd be furious at him. Knowing he lied in the past, I might want to get both sides of the story to find out who made the first contact: H or xOP? I don't think it's paranoid, especially if there is a NC agreement as part of the terms of their M.

 

If I was the xOP, I would have replied in order to put the W's mind at ease. I'd apologize for any upset, taken him off my freinds list, and blocked contact with both of them thru that site (which I'm sure can be done.)

[Owl]

Sure I can accept that it's your interpretation like I interpret a lot of the crap folk post on the OW board as bitter and they seem to think it's fine. It's all perception really.

 

Fair enough. Clearly its not just MY interpretation and perception...several others chimed in on the same thing.

 

If several people have the same perception and interpretation...

[Owl]

Ditto. I would do those same things.

 

If I was the W working on my M, there would be some kind of agreement about NC with any xOP's. If I saw that that my H had added the xOP to his friends list, I'd be furious at him. Knowing he lied in the past, I might want to get both sides of the story to find out who made the first contact: H or xOP? I don't think it's paranoid, especially if there is a NC agreement as part of the terms of their M.

 

If I was the xOP, I would have replied in order to put the W's mind at ease. I'd apologize for any upset, taken him off my freinds list, and blocked contact with both of them thru that site (which I'm sure can be done.)

 

'Zactly...even if you don't "OWE" his wife anything...its easy enough to see her viewpoint for a moment, see what you can do to defuse the situation and prevent a recurrence of the same issue in the future.

 

Again...this is just empathy.

 

Good post, WS.

[Tomcat33]

Fair enough. Clearly its not just MY interpretation and perception...several others chimed in on the same thing.

 

If several people have the same perception and interpretation...

 

Frankly my dear...

 

If I were one for needs of validation via votes of popularity, I would have been gone from here a long time ago, but you know by now it doesn't bother me either way if the majority OR the minority agrees with me. Coincidentally, the Holocaust was based on perception of the masses so...

 

'Zactly...even if you don't "OWE" his wife anything...its easy enough to see her viewpoint for a moment, see what you can do to defuse the situation and prevent a recurrence of the same issue in the future.

 

Well that's all great but she has already said this:

 

I'm not angry at all, but I do loathe cheaters so there you go, I have zero compassion for her....and I have moved on - her concern is only for herself, I've seen that enough times to know.

 

I'm curious, why do you insist she feel something she has already said she does not?