Do you believe there are bad marriages and/or marriages of convenience?

[precious1357]

Hi All,

 

since there seems to be a lot of people who know most of the answers, I would like to know if there are any people here who are in a really bad marriage or who are married for the sake of being married and not in love!

[Owl]

Of course there, both types.

 

The problem is, its pretty much impossible to tell the truth of the situation from outside.

 

Its even HARDER to tell the truth in the situation if you're romantically involved with one of the marital partners. Odds are high that they'll lie, make the issues seem bigger than they are, hint or flat out tell you that THEIR marriage is like that, when the truth may be something drastically different.

 

But yes, of course there are abusive marriages, marriages that were done solely for convenience, or marriages where love never really was part of the equation.

[jj33]

Marriages of convenience are a historical fact, e.g. marriages to marry together royal or industrial families. And they happen at every level of society. And then there are arranged marriages some people in arranged marriages say they are more successful than romantic pairings.

 

There are lots of people who marry someone who is "right" for them because they provide financial security are a "good catch" etc.

 

Sometimes they like them well enough sometimes it grows into love sometimes it doesnt.

 

Sometimes they tell themselves this is what love is and sometimes they wake up later and decide that isnt actually what love is but they have made their bed and will lie in it.

 

Whether someone has a good or bad marriage is subjective in 99% of all cases. As our wise Owl said its difficult to judge from the outside. What may seem like a "bad" marriage to someone looking in may "work" perfectly well for the people in it.

 

People marry for all different reasons. And in 99.99% of all cases it takes more than love to make a marriage work well.

[NoIDidn't]

Even as a formerly betrayed spouse, I agree with the assessment of some marriages as just being bad.

 

I have a couple where I am friends with both W and H, but they are only married until they can afford to get divorced. They share a home and a child, but not a bed and are separating their finances.

 

I know of too many marriages like these. But none of it makes it okay for one of them to start cheating while no one has even visited a lawyer yet. And none of it is a justification or some how alleviates the guilt of helping them further assault such a marriage by being the OP.

 

The state of marriage is bad in the US. I don't know about the world. But things are pretty bad in the US. I don't know WHY there are people pushing for the right to one day get divorced - since that's all it seems like the right to marry turns into these days. LOL.

 

But I also know of really good marriages. Not perfect, but good. Not always completely satisfying, but good and nurturing and caring marriages.

 

So, I guess that means that I think that there are all kinds of marriages - good and bad. Convenient and inconvenient. Shotgun marriages and fairy tale endings, and all.

[Curmudgeon]

Hi All, since there seems to be a lot of people who know most of the answers, I would like to know if there are any people here who are in a really bad marriage or who are married for the sake of being married and not in love!

 

Not worth it. Lasted 25 years then, "Seeyalaterbye!" She had found someone else. End of marriage. End of story!

[Cheesecake]

Here's a question for all of you married/ex-married peeps. How many boy/girlfriends did you have before you were married? Were those relationships shorter or longer with the person you decided to marry (before you married them.) Why did the pre-married relationships end? And why did you decide to marry the person you did? Was it because you thought it was time (because of age and societal standards, biological clock, etc.)? Did you really believe the person was right? Did you even think to death do us part - for another 50-60 odd years? Enlighten us all. Why did you get married?!!!!! Why?!!! Love, convenience, societal pressures, WHY?!!!!!!!

[Cheesecake]

Here's another question: How long has the life expentancy on average been 75-77years old? The last hundred years? IF that? Do you honestly believe the "nuclear" family has lasted all that long? We are just a little flicker in human history and society (humans have been around for TENS of thousands of years). Do you honestly think that the reason the divorce rate is over 50% is because people are doing something wrong? Wake up! I'm sure, deep down, people are questioning an institution, which while may work with some if they're lucky, but will not work with most, but is EXPECTED to be the norm. Well, who the hell said so? When did that start? Things change, societal norms change, be a lemming and stay in your same mind set, or realize that change is a part of life. Not just your life....but society as a whole -and human history. The institution of marriage will change. And so will the art of raising "healthy" children- who, in my personal opinion, would fair better with an extended loving family then just two adults with neurosis.

 

Come on. I know there's a few of you out there that would enjoy some intellectual banter on this subject. And a few others which are going "Huh? What the hell is she talking about? She must like be crazy!" And I'm sorry, I don't mean to make fun of the latter group. I just have trouble understanding you sometimes. Maybe ignorance is bliss.

[Cheesecake]

One last message: I can guess when the last change started (hence when the divorce rate started to increase). About 20 -30 years ago. It is when women started getting into the work force, getting more options, and getting more power. And honestly, my female friends, I would not want it any other way. I LOVE having options. And although I am not putting down the job of being a full time wife and mother, I am glad, as I'm sure many of you are, that I had many other options to choice from in my adult life. Change. Thank God for change.

[Terminator]

Hi All,

 

since there seems to be a lot of people who know most of the answers, I would like to know if there are any people here who are in a really bad marriage or who are married for the sake of being married and not in love!

 

Perhaps you should have posted this in the M section

[GreenEyedLady]

Hi All,

 

since there seems to be a lot of people who know most of the answers, I would like to know if there are any people here who are in a really bad marriage or who are married for the sake of being married and not in love!

 

Of course there are bad M's. That's why the divorce rate is so high.

 

On the flip side, of course there are M's of convenience. That's why the infidelity rate is so high.

[wildsoul]

Of course there are bad M's. That's why the divorce rate is so high.

 

On the flip side, of course there are M's of convenience. That's why the infidelity rate is so high.

:laugh: That's funny because it's true, and also sad because it's true.

[Curmudgeon]

And why did you decide to marry the person you did? Was it because you thought it was time (because of age and societal standards, biological clock, etc.)? Did you really believe the person was right? Did you even think to death do us part - for another 50-60 odd years?

 

Why so interested and why so many questions? It's always and will always be very individual and personal, as well as circumstantial.

 

Divorce rates hover between 38-50% depending on which study and methodology you wish to use or believe. Most agree that it's on the down-swing as people wait longer to both marry and have children.

 

To personally answer some of your questions, I thought she was the right one because we grew up on the same small island, our parents knew one another and we seemed to get along. I had also just returned from 22 months in combat zones and was lonely and confused, as well as young and impulsive. I was a strong believer in vows and remain one today but in that case, the vows didn't hold up.

 

Lastly, from a relatively old man, all societal change is not necessarily for the better and when a society begins to unravel it's fabric, national character becomes lost and a country's culture becomes diluted and fragmented I don't think that much good can come of it.

[stoopid_guy]

Of course there are bad M's. That's why the divorce rate is so high.

 

On the flip side, of course there are M's of convenience. That's why the infidelity rate is so high.

BEAUTIFUL!!! And so true...

 

There are also marriages for love that turn into marriages of convenience once the love dies.

[Agent_99]

Sometimes they tell themselves this is what love is and sometimes they wake up later and decide that isnt actually what love is but they have made their bed and will lie in it.

 

People marry for all different reasons. And in 99.99% of all cases it takes more than love to make a marriage work well.

 

My marriage was like that. I still love him, but it is very much like I love a brother or other family member. and I realize that my entire marriage, that was the kind of love I felt. But it worked quite well. Our marriage was very functional. Everyone thought we had the 'perfect' marriage. Part of that was I wanted people to think that, but part was because we did the things that were necassary to make it work too. Until the last 2 years.

 

Here's a question for all of you married/ex-married peeps. How many boy/girlfriends did you have before you were married? Were those relationships shorter or longer with the person you decided to marry (before you married them.) Why did the pre-married relationships end? And why did you decide to marry the person you did? Was it because you thought it was time (because of age and societal standards, biological clock, etc.)? Did you really believe the person was right? Did you even think to death do us part - for another 50-60 odd years? Enlighten us all. Why did you get married?!!!!! Why?!!! Love, convenience, societal pressures, WHY?!!!!!!!

 

I got married because I wanted to build a life with XH. Part of it was sociatal preprograming: You grow up, get married have kids, have a carreer. I did think about the long run, and I truly thought I was committed to it. I failed my marriage in the one respect that I just couldn't stand to stay in it by the end. In the meantime I did everything I possibly could to save it. The final day was it though, I knew there was no going back.

 

~99

[GreenEyedLady]

Here's a question for all of you married/ex-married peeps. How many boy/girlfriends did you have before you were married? Were those relationships shorter or longer with the person you decided to marry (before you married them.) Why did the pre-married relationships end? And why did you decide to marry the person you did? Was it because you thought it was time (because of age and societal standards, biological clock, etc.)? Did you really believe the person was right? Did you even think to death do us part - for another 50-60 odd years? Enlighten us all. Why did you get married?!!!!! Why?!!! Love, convenience, societal pressures, WHY?!!!!!!!

 

I had only a few boyfriends...I was in high school...

 

They were much shorter than my XH...I was in high school...

 

They ended because, you got it, I was in high school...

 

I decided to marry my XH because we'd been together a fair amount of time, I loved him even though we were complete opposites and it seemed like the logical next step...I married when I was 23 and young and not experienced in life and R's...

 

I didn't believe he was the one...In fact I knew it would be hard because of our differences (religious, political, cultural), but I married him anyway...I loved him in that young, first serious R kind of way...But nothing like the adult love I have experienced...

 

But I thought we would probably stay married because both our parents were married over 25 years when we married and my grandparents had been married for 50 years then and no one in our family divorced.

 

When I marry again, it will be with the one...Who is similar to me, who knows me and still loves me anyway, who is my lover, best friend, defender and biggest supporter...AND WHO I KNOW IS THE ONLY MAN FOR ME...

 

I already did it all wrong the first time...But this time, I'm getting it right...

[whichwayisup]

There are also marriages for love that turn into marriages of convenience once the love dies.

 

Ha, like my grandparents. They loved eachother but they also HATED eachother too. He would gripe about her doing this and that, complained about her losing her hearing, getting on his nerves...She'd complain that he was a grumpy old man, stinky and boring -He was a MESS when she died and didn't say a negative thing about her ever again. He missed her deeply.