How to avoid the dreaded rebound

[misternoname]

My wife of 24 years moved out earlier in the year after I caught her having yet another affair. All hope of reconcilliation is gone...She met another guy shortly after moving out. They've already dropped the "L" word on each other despite her own discription of him as being "not someone I see long having term possibilities."

 

I began dating as well a couple of months ago. I went out with several I met on match.com. They were all very nice but they really only acted as "time fillers" for me. The last lady I went out with turned out to be fantastic. We were just starting to enjoy each others company immensely when my ex asked to try and reconcile. We tried for about two weeks. I contacted the woman I was dating and told her I was trying to work on my marriage so I had to cease all contact with her. She was disappointed but understood. I soon after discovered that my wife was still speaking with her boyfriend... I threw up my hands and said enough is enough.

 

I made a leap of faith and called the other lady fully expecting her to ignore my call. She did answer (although she said it took a lot of thought) and we met to discuss everything. She was impressed that I 1-was honest with her and 2- I gave my marriage one last ditch effort. Long story short, we've picked up where we left off.

 

Now a month later I find myself falling for her. The chemistry is there...haven't found ANYTHING I don't like about her...I find her very physically and mentally attractive. She represents eveything my spouse was not. She's stable, she works hard and takes care of herself, she's a wonderful mom (her kids always come first), she has a sense of humor, she's happy in the morning, she's pretty but isn't obsessed with her looks, she can have fun but knows when to be serious, she handles difficult situations logically, she's not moody or tempermental. We share similar interests and tastes. I'm 8 years older which works for both of us (she finds older men to be more stable...I like the physical side of being with someone a little younger). I like her freinds. She lives close by. I have met her kids and they're very well behaved sweet children. Her ex and her are on good terms so no interference from him. I could go on and on but the bottom line is that I find myself thinking of her all the time.

 

In return, she totally digs me and has made me feel good about myself again. She's very complimentary and goes out of her way to make me feel happy. We see each other virtually everyday even if it's just to share a glass of wine and chat.

 

I've heard all the horror stories of rebounds after a divorce. I'm cautious and logical but at the same time I don't want to ruin the start of a good thing. I've been with a selfish narcisist for 24 years...it's so refreshing to spend time with someone that actually WANTS to be in the same room as me.

 

The divorce is coming soon...filed a couple of months ago...just working through the financial crap. I'm not saying I'm rushing out to get remarried but I could see myself somewhere down the road being with her permanently. I know to go slow but at the same time I can't help how I feel.

 

I'm interested to see if anyone else has experienced something similar and how it turned out.

[Karma101]

Oh yeah, I have some experience with this. I was that woman you met on Match.com (figuratively, of course!). My BF was married 18 years and also felt no love/affection from his wife. She cheated on him. He eventually moved out after failed MC. Her affair went on for well over a year with this guy. They were also in final divorce proceedings, sorting out the financial aspect. And boom, last week (less than one week before final mediation), his STBXW decided she wanted a 2nd chance. And off he went.

 

My point...Are you sure you wouldn't do the same? I only ask because as the Match.com GF, this situation has proven to be heartbreaking. Our situation was similar, and we by no means, rushed into a relationship. Casual developed into exclusive slowly, and naturally.

 

I am curious to see what others say. If you truly care for this other woman, you'll make sure this isn't a rebound and you really are done with your marriage. How much time did you spend alone before dating again and how many other did you date before this relationship?

 

btw, I was with this man for 9 wonderful months before his wife "came to her senses". I never saw it coming.

[misternoname]

Karma

 

All valid points...not falling on deaf ears. My wife has caused so much pain and mistrust I would never take her back. Way too much water under the bridge. If you had asked me a month ago I may have been less certain but right now I am 100% positive that I'm ready to be rid of her. She's of the same mindset.

 

I was alone for a couple of months. I went out with around a dozen different women once I started dating. I never felt about them like I do about my current girl. She's very conscious of the whole "it ain't over" issue. Things won't progress much more until the divorce is final.

 

I appreciate your thoughts...thanks for the input.

[SingleDad]

Honestly wish I was in your shoes - my wife did exactly the same to me - learned on Thurs that she has a BF... I think she filed a D to be with him guilt free.

 

I am hoping my W comes to her senses and returns to me and her 2.5 yo daughter.

 

It was quite a blow to me - In a way I am hoping to find someone at match.com like you to keep me positive... But I am also worried about my W coming back - and me wanting to take her back to be a family again... dating someone else much just make and reconciliation that much more difficult.

 

I would slow things down with the girlfriend until the divorce is final - If she is right, she will wait for you.

[Karma101]

Well, I guess my only suggestion would be to take things slow and have open and honest communitcation with this other woman. And if there's ever a twinge of doubt about your own divorce or feelings for your wife, let her know right away. She deserves that. Good luck!

 

Guess I'll have to give Match another try myself!

[misternoname]

I know a lot of people frown on internet dating but I liked the idea of having a little knowledge before committing to a date so it worked for me. My girlfreind was on match for two days when we met. One of her coworkers met their spouse on match so she figured what the heck. Just like traditional dating, you'll have to go through a lot of frogs before you find a prince/princess but give it a try...you never know!

[Trialbyfire]

It might be a rebound, it might not be. Right after you make a decision that enough is enough and you emotionally distance yourself from your spouse, you're at a vulnerable time. I recall that time well and even though I knew better, ended up getting involved with someone who wasn't compatible. Wrong place, time and person.

 

This doesn't mean you'll end up the same way but many times, it's that people miss the warmth and security of that relationship feeling, therefore, people rebound, blinders on, common sense off.

 

This woman you're describing sounds like a wonderful woman. Just take it slowly, give it another six months before getting too serious. Since the two of you have been previously married, her with kids, possibly you too, neither one of you should be in a hurry. Enjoy the moment.

[misternoname]

Very good points Trial...I plan on doing just that. Thanks!

[Mr. Lucky]

This woman you're describing sounds like a wonderful woman. Just take it slowly, give it another six months before getting too serious. Since the two of you have been previously married, her with kids, possibly you too, neither one of you should be in a hurry. Enjoy the moment.

You don't mention whether or not you have children. Like you, I said never again after her infidelity and a failed reconcilliation with my exW. However, even though I was in a relationship, the thought of providing my son with an intact family was too much to resist when my exW contacted me to "try again" just before our divorce finalized. I hurt my new "friend" deeply and wasted another year with my ex's BS and lies.

 

I would just make sure that both your heart and mind are on the same page. And like TBF says, no reason not to take it slow...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Billy Bob]

CAREFULL! Even though I was completely done with my marriage by the time I was seperated (walk-away-wife), I still didn't have enough relationship experience to know what I wanted.

 

The day of my seperation (I had just turned 36 BTW) I put an add up on Match.com and started chatting with a gal who lived 300 miles away. She was a single divorced 34 YO mother of young son. It was so exciting to be wanted, plus the rush of a new intellectual/sexual relationship.. We saw each other on weekends.. We talked about getting married, even had a ring... Of course we hadn't ever really lived together, hadn't interacted on a regular basis with each others kids, each others family. We had differing backgrounds, education levels, hobbies.. In short the infatuation I felt for her started dissappearing the more time we spent together. So after about 4 months I broke up her (fiance #1), she kept the ring!

 

A few months later (after dating a few other girls on Match) I met my dreamgirl. She was a college professor, living with her son in her mom's home. She lived about 20-30 minutes away. We were meant to be together. She had dreamt about my coming. Single (never married) mother of one young son. After a couple months we were going to get married.. then reality hit. She didn't want to move to my city ).. I wasn't going to sell my existing house and move to her area and buy a new house (nuts!). I also think the reality of me having 2 full time grade school age kids also freaked her out.. She and her mom had co-parented her son.. So a few fights ensued and we kind of mutually broke up (fiance #2), I kept the ring! (also started to learn there are reasons why some people have been single for so long).

 

So.. I kept on dating. Finally deciding that I wasn't going to date anyone that lived too far away.. and I really didn't want to date someone with kids (too challenging to make schedules work).. Dated a few single gals that lived close by, had fun! Stopped looking for a relacement wife..

 

About 5 months later found a wonderful single gal, no kids. We seemed perfect for each other. My kids and I were the family she missed out on and she was the woman who could seemlessly slip right into my life. We talked about houses and possibly having another kid. Dated for several weeks, she moved in. After a month we seemed to fight non-stop about minor things. I was walking on eggshells trying not to flare her temper. End of story after 4 months together I broke up with her and she moved out. But I had learned my lesson and hadn't proposed - so no ring.

 

Went back on Match.com, dated a few people.. Met a single mom with 2 teenage kids, worked for the same company as I did.. I was extra cautious though.. too many factors could go wrong.. Long story short after dating 10 months we were married a week ago, she's been living with me full time for 3-4 months now. We were both very cautious fromt he beginning and figured out we just wanted the same thing. She kept the ring and I kept her!

 

It's been over 2 years since I filed for seperation, almost 2 years from my divorce.. Don't rush into anything.. even if you feel like running out and getting remarried. I was married for 13 years (together 15) in a disfuctional marriage and didn't have a lot of experience in adult realtionships. I am really glad I didn't follow through with some of my post-divorce relationships and spent the time looking for the right person.

 

I think in most cases the first relationship (or two) you get into after a divorce turns out to be a rebound.. everything seems perfect, but it just seems to unravel after a bit. Best thing to do is give it time (don't rush and get re-married). Give yourself an out in-case your brain is playing some tricks on you. Get relationship experience.. take it really slow with the new gal and if you stand the test of time, then great.

 

Oh, and by the way.. as soon the ex-wife knew I was dating someone seriously, she started wanting to reconcile. She approached the subject several times over the last two years. I never gave it a second thought though..

[Billy Bob]

CAREFULL! Even though I was completely done with my marriage by the time I was seperated (Walk away wife), I still didn't have enough relationship experience to know what I wanted.

 

The day of my seperation I put an add up on Match.com and started chatting with a gal who lived 300 miles away. She was a single divorced 34 YO mother of young son. It was so exciting to be wanted, plus the rush of a new intellectual/sexual relationship.. We saw each other on weekends.. We talked about getting married, even had a ring... Of course we hadn't ever really lived together, hadn't interacted on a regular basis with each others kids, each others family. We had differing backgrounds, education levels, hobbies.. In short the infatuation I felt for her started dissappearing the more time we spent together. So after about 4 months I broke up her (fiance #1), she kept the ring!

 

A few months later (after dating a few other girls on Match) I met my dreamgirl. She was a college professor, living with her son in her mom's home. She lived about 20-30 minutes away. We were meant to be together. She had dreamt about my coming. Single (never married) mother of one young son. After a couple months we were going to get married.. then reality hit. She didn't want to move to my city ).. I wasn't going to sell my existing house and move to her area and buy a new house (nuts!). I also think the reality of me having 2 full time grade school age kids also freaked her out.. She and her mom had co-parented her son.. So a few fights ensued and we kind of mutually broke up (fiance #2), I kept the ring! (also started to learn there are reasons why some people have been single for so long).

 

So.. I kept on dating. Finally deciding that I wasn't going to date anyone that lived too far away.. and I really didn't want to date someone with kids (too challenging to make schedules work).. Dated a few single gals that lived close by, had fun! Stopped looking for a relacement wife..

 

About 5 months later found a wonderful single gal, no kids. We seemed perfect for each other. My kids and I were the family she missed out on and she was the woman who could seemlessly slip right into my life. We talked about houses and possibly having another kid. Dated for several weeks, she moved in. After a month we seemed to fight non-stop about minor things. I was walking on eggshells trying not to flare her temper. End of story after 4 months together I broke up with her and she moved out. But I had learned my lesson and hadn't proposed so no ring.

 

Went back on Match.com, dated a few people.. Met a girl, who was loaded with baggage. Single mom with 2 teenage kids, worked for the same company as I did.. I was extra cautious though.. too many factors could go wrong.. Long story short after dating 10 months we were married a week ago, she's been living with me full time for 3-4 months now. We were both very cautious fromt he beginning and figured out we just wanted the same thing. She kept the ring and I kept her!

 

It's been over 2 years since I filed for seperation, almost 2 years from my divorce.. Don't rush into anything.. even if you feel like running out and getting remarried. I was married for 13 years ina disfuctional marriage and didn't have a lot of experience in adult realtionships. I am really glad I didn't follow through with some of my post-divorce relationships and spent the time looking for the right person.

 

I think in most cases the first relationship (or two) you get into after a divorce turns out to be a rebound.. everything seems perfect, but it just seems to unravel after a bit. Best thing to do is give it time (don't rush and get re-married). Give yourself an out in-case your brain is playing some tricks on you.

[misternoname]

I do have two sons but they're 17 and 20 so I'm not looking for a "step mommy." If they were younger I could definitely see that being a problem.

[SingleDad]

cta - wow - I think that is the first time I have heard the drama of all of your women... No wonder you are suspicious of marrriage and relationships... I am glad it worked out for you in the end.

[Billy Bob]

cta - wow - I think that is the first time I have heard the drama of all of your women... No wonder you are suspicious of marrriage and relationships... I am glad it worked out for you in the end.

 

Lots of drama, but all growing experiences... just like my first marriage was. I'm really glad of all the experiences I had dating, they all helped me figure out what I really wanted.

 

Without exposure to different people, you really can't know what you want out of a relationship. I think once you start dating (when your ready), you will be amazed.

 

Now that I'm beyond that stage I get to put all I learned into making a marriage work.. I really am excited about my second marriage. I have learned a lot from my experiences in the last 2 years since my divorce and have actually learned a lot from this website.