Open marriage Confusion

[Lucky_One]

"I still love my husband as much and the 1st day we fell in love if not so much more."

 

That didn't last long, did it?

 

Why are you so upset about being called swingers? That is what you were doing. If you had hidden your sexual activity with other people, then you could call that 'cheating'.

[2nd-Best]

I've been thinking it over and I think my husband and I have fallen into the friend situation. It was this way before we got married. But we both ignored it because we did truly love and care for each other. Though now it almost just feel like friends with benifits. I talked to my husband about this and he agrees it does feel like that, but he still wants to stay with me even though we both feel like we are just best friends with benifits, nothing more and it's been that way for awhile.

 

Well, if you and your husband are just friends then you can stay just friends but to hold yourself down in a marriage based only on friendship when you are developing feelings for other people is just not a good idea, also getting married SO young is not a very good idea either.. its not like it is 1956 anymore and people just marry young and stay together because thats how society worked, this is 2008 and you can walk into a book store and buy a divorce kit!! and be divorced in 3 months!!

 

I married young too, not as young as you but I got married when I was 23/24 and was seperated 8 months later, and divorced a year from then and it was probably the best decision I ever made and I am NOT getting re-married again until I am much older, because truely there are too many options for young people to take like traveling and school and careers and all of that that you should focus on first!!

 

To be honest with you, my advice would be to keep your friendship going but to take a couple years being alone, maybe dating the new guy if you care about eachother.. but take that time to grow up a little bit and i dont mean that in a condisending way.. but as you get older you're going to notice that your tastes change and its good to take that time to explore your options before you make a commitment like marraige and kids because then you wont have your personal freedom and you will regret that as you get older! and you dont want to be a 30 year old woman with 5 divorces under her belt, they say "first you marry for love second for money" and im not saying marry someone for their money but when you re marry one day when you're older settle down for love, comfort, stability and a family... not just because you're so in love that you want to have a wedding and play house..because speaking from experience it doesnt tend to work out under those circumstances (I think we both know that?)

 

anyways, i hope that helps a bit.. maybe it wont.

[2nd-Best]

"I still love my husband as much and the 1st day we fell in love if not so much more."

 

That didn't last long, did it?

 

Why are you so upset about being called swingers? That is what you were doing. If you had hidden your sexual activity with other people, then you could call that 'cheating'.

 

 

they're not really swingers either, because swingers is when husband and wife switch partners with other married couples... so her husband would have had to have slept with the friends wife to make them swingers, I think the term would be called "polyamorous" , wikipedia page for it is http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

[Sup]

I told my husband that i was falling in love with another guy and he took it pretty well. To sup my "hubby" has been going out on dates so it's not a one sided thing at all. The difference is he's with a few different girls. i only have one other guy. Actually I'm still looking for a job since we moved here kinda recently. but he has dated a close friend of mine and i'm okay with that. this is still a 2 way street, for us. Actually we both come up with the idea during a sirious conversation.

 

 

Out of curiosity, you and your hubby don't screw other people in your own bed at home, right? I mean, I could only imagine you or hubby walking in the door to hear intense screaming orgasms going on in the bedroom, and knowing that they never had such good sex with the spouse as with this other person, does that make sense? I'm still shaking my head at this one...........

[Lucky_One]

they're not really swingers either, because swingers is when husband and wife switch partners with other married couples... so her husband would have had to have slept with the friends wife to make them swingers, I think the term would be called "polyamorous" , wikipedia page for it is http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

 

I was taking the threesomes into account.

[Auntieana]

Sup, no we have rules that we can not have sex with someone else in OUR bed. That is just for us. On an other note (Not because of me) the 3rd party is no longer engaged. 2nd-best. It really do understand what you are saying and take it to heart. I really think I'm going to cut it off with the other guy first and try to work things out with my husband, before I even take a divorce into thought. I hope it works for me. I really do, but thank you

[Sup]

2nd best? Oh, I going to assume that the other guy was the 2nd best sex you had. That explains the earthquake!

[Shygirl15]

It's amazing how people can come up with such 'cool' terminology only to justify innappropriate behaviours. Open Marriage! Jesus.

[Sks]

Those who want "open marriages" simply need to not be married,

[Auntieana]

2nd-best was someone who replied to this. Actually, I hate to admit it but he's better then my hubby. If you are only here to criticize I don't need it, I could go to my mother for that. And SKS don't even get me started on you. If you're for Obama you must be stupid. Sorry to piss any off, I'm a repeblican.

[Lucky_One]

Wow - you sound way too open for a Republican.

 

But then again, your sense of decency sounds about right.

 

Obama, at least, will guarantee your right to abortion should you become pregnant from indiscriminate sex partners.

[Sks]

2nd-best was someone who replied to this. Actually, I hate to admit it but he's better then my hubby. If you are only here to criticize I don't need it, I could go to my mother for that. And SKS don't even get me started on you. If you're for Obama you must be stupid. Sorry to piss any off, I'm a repeblican.

 

l0l, you apparently aren't too keen when it comes to reading avatars but I digress, an open marriage is a joke and the word marriage should not be used to describe it.

[2nd-Best]

2nd-best was someone who replied to this. Actually, I hate to admit it but he's better then my hubby. If you are only here to criticize I don't need it, I could go to my mother for that. And SKS don't even get me started on you. If you're for Obama you must be stupid. Sorry to piss any off, I'm a repeblican.

 

 

Hold on, You're republican and you have an open marraige? You do realize that that goes against exactly what the republican party stands for right?

Its like saying you're a Christian and then cheating or having an abortion, it kind of defeats the purpouse of the belief system in the religion or political party when you're going against exactly what they stand for.

 

other than that, I dont want to talk about politics.. if I were american I would vote Obama for sure, I think the entire world would really!

[Trimmer]

...now it almost just feel like friends with benifits. I talked to my husband about this and he agrees it does feel like that, but he still wants to stay with me even though we both feel like we are just best friends with benifits, nothing more and it's been that way for awhile.

So are you just going to see if you can learn to live like this? Or are you motivated to try to make a change to become closer again?

 

Do you wonder if your amorous activities outside your marriage had anything to do with the cooling of your romantic interest in each other, or do you see that as a separate issue that didn't have any effect on your marital relationship?

[Sup]

2nd-best was someone who replied to this. Actually, I hate to admit it but he's better then my hubby. If you are only here to criticize I don't need it, I could go to my mother for that. And SKS don't even get me started on you. If you're for Obama you must be stupid. Sorry to piss any off, I'm a repeblican.

 

 

Who's criticizing? Anyway, does hubby know OM is better?

[radigal]

Auntieana, this forum is full of people who are not remotely poly-friendly; there are others, but they're few and far between. If you want actual advice instead of moralistic pearl-clutching, you might be better off on livejournal's polyamory community or the forums at polyamoryonline.org.

 

That said, I think you know that you are going to need complete openness and honesty between all parties for this to work, and the fact that neither you nor the 3rd party have been completely doing so with your respective partners so far doesn't bode well. Feelings are the hardest to deal with, in my experience - sex is the easy part. My (ostensibly open) marriage failed after I fell for someone and dealt with it dishonestly; now I'm in a fabulously healthy and communicative poly relationship with someone else, which is uncharted territory for all of us. It's good, though, even when it's hard.

 

You do sound like you're making progress, though, and I think you sound like you've been doing much better than a lot of the judgmental people here would suggest. Good luck!

[Sup]

2nd-best was someone who replied to this. Actually, I hate to admit it but he's better then my hubby. If you are only here to criticize I don't need it, I could go to my mother for that. And SKS don't even get me started on you. If you're for Obama you must be stupid. Sorry to piss any off, I'm a repeblican.

 

 

If you're saying that I'm judging you, no, I haven't. But for you to judge me by saying that I judged you when I didn't.

 

YOU'RE WRONG TO JUDGE ME!

[NativeMetalGrl]

Open Marriage = confusion!

 

what a perdicament!!

 

I know you both went into this thinking you could control everything, but the fact is, emotions are almost involuntary.. There's no controlling them

There are certain hormones in women which are activated by intercourse which bring about feelings of closeness and caring for your partner. These often blindside even the most rational women. *I believe it's referred to in some circles as "the sex haze."

Emotional and rational rarely ever happen at the same time.

Sounds like you had the best of intentions, but things got a little out of hand.

Do you love your husband? Do you love the other guy?

I'm with Radigirl

I think you guys need to sit down and hash it all out. get everything in the open, realize nobody's intent was to hurt anyone and try to figure this all out together.

[Auntieana]

I am also pegan, and well as a republican. One of the reason's I'm a republican. Is the way I was raised. My step-dad was airforce force 20 years, and my husband and other guy are marine corps, and I'm about to join the marine corps myself. As for an abortion I would never get one. My husband and I as well as the other guy have talked about the chance of that happening my husband says he would stay with me even if that were to happen and the other guy also said he would man up to it. Before my husband and i started the open marriage thing we talk about the possiblity that we could start developing feelings for someone else. Even though we had said we would be open at first it was hard for me to be, but now that I have told him. I do feel better. Radigal, Thank you. Actually I was looking for a site like that but could not find one. Also thanks for the good luck. The other guy and my husband are buddies, and since other guy broke up with his girl (Not because of me) he needs help with the house and such and a little help with the bills so my husband and I are moving in with him. It will help all of us out finacualy. And yes NativeMetalgrl I do love both of them.

[Sks]

Your husband is a sucker and is in for a world of hurt if this continues.....

[Sup]

No wonder this country is going to Hell! We may only have a few more years, if that..........

[MJTig]

It sounds as though you two thought marriage = dating/playing house and jumped into this committment way too early. Now you are naturally looking elsewhere because you are young and still interested in other opportunities. Dating can be hard with figuring that out on its own, but adding a marriage to it... disaster.

 

IMO- you need to either totally devote yourself to this marriage and making it work, or cut your losses as friends and move on. Keep him in your life, heck even date him with the understanding you are both looking for what you did not give yourselves the chance to explore before.

 

And I hate to pull this.. but all of you need to grow up and learn about life a bit more before you make these decisions. That is not because of age necessarily but maturity levels. i hope the armed forces gives you the discipline you need to mature.

[2nd-Best]

The other guy and my husband are buddies, and since other guy broke up with his girl (Not because of me) he needs help with the house and such and a little help with the bills so my husband and I are moving in with him. It will help all of us out finacualy. And yes NativeMetalgrl I do love both of them.

 

 

Oh my god, this just keeps getting worse and worse.

You REALLY think that moving in with the guy you're in love while also living with your husband who you love as a friend is going to work out? his friendship with him and with you and your relationship with the other guy are all going to come crashing down and burning and its all going to end up blowing up in YOUR face, you'll see.

 

Also, what is there deal? is this like soemthing they discussed in private about being able to tag team you or something? because this doesnt sound like love... none of it does, and i feel sorry for you that you're too naive to see it.

[Lucky_One]

What is a pegan? If you mean pagan, they don't allow pagans in the Republican Party.

[Trimmer]

What is a pegan? If you mean pagan, they don't allow pagans in the Republican Party.

You know how a vegan is a vegetarian who goes one step further, and won't eat or touch anything derived from animals at all?

 

Well a pegan takes it yet the next logical step beyond a vegan - they only eat peas (although they are allowed to drink carrot juice, as long as the fiber has been strained out.)

 

I don't see why the Republicans would exclude pegans.