nowhereman82 Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 keyboard and mouse! What, you expected something else? Ok back to seriousness. I was in a 5 year LTR that ended right before the marriage. So close to marriage but not...but I felt married before the actual ceremony. So anyhow....my ex had told me she loved me but was not in love with me. I've been speaking to two married women from my past (they approached me) and the theme seems to be the same with them. They love their husband but not in love with them. Why is this? Is this to be expected? Do people expect more than their truly is? Personally I always truly felt like my wife would be my partner in life and we would help each other grow and achieve our individual and joint goals. I am not a romantic and believe that I will have butterflys the rest of my life. Is finding a life partner about being with someone you are compatable enough with to not get sick of them? I imagine it is quite easy to fall in and out of "love" a lot in a long term relationship as life is always changing and so are the people. But you will always love and care for the individual (most people). I feel like my ex expects a relationship to always be like the first couple of months of dating. We always looked forward to seeing each other, hugged and kissed a lot, we spent all our time together and enjoyed each others company....and the only problem she had was she fell out of love with me. Anyhow...I want to hear your views on my topic and how it relates to you and your experience...and maybe you might have some words of wisdom for my situation.
OpenBook Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 Love and Marriage go together like... oil and water. A fish and a bicycle. One has NOTHING to do with the other. They haven't even been associated with each other until the last 150 years or so. Marriage is a practical lifetime partnership, a business arrangement. Nothing more, nothing less. Love may or may not be a part of it. Doesn't matter. I believe we (as a society) have placed way too many expectations on marriage - gotta keep that spark alive! - and that's a big reason why it's crumbling as an institution. In most cases, it's an absolute farce.
Author nowhereman82 Posted September 8, 2008 Author Posted September 8, 2008 I agree and understand. I feel a lot of people refuse to see it as such. It will frankly lead to some disappointment in my opinion. I love my ex but it wont be the same feeling I get during the first couple months of dating a new girl I really like. I accept that, in another post someone pointed out that that feeling is nature at work so people will screw and ave babies...and after you have done that, nature doesn't care anymore.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 Love and marriage are compatible on one simple condition: the spouses fully understand and accept that they will change, their partner will change, and their relationship will change. Love has to change accordingly. If it can't or won't - then the relationship is doomed, or at the very least stagnant.
quankanne Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 Why is this? Is this to be expected? Do people expect more than their truly is? I think people buy into some romantic ideal of love, so that when the relationship matures/ages, and encounters different challenges, it's easy to think "I love him, but I'm not 'in love' with him." Which is sad, really, because that person isn't giving the relationship – or love – a real chance at growing with the changes it meets. Personally I always truly felt like my wife would be my partner in life and we would help each other grow and achieve our individual and joint goals. I am not a romantic and believe that I will have butterflies the rest of my life. Is finding a life partner about being with someone you are compatable enough with to not get sick of them? compatibility has a lot to do with the success of a relationship, as does knowing that there has to be some bedrock of love and caring to get you through the rough patches you're going to face. I knew my husband was "the one" when I realized that no matter how nutso he drives me, no matter how often we're apart because of work or family commitments, this is the person I feel secure/safe/happy coming back to, you know? That while it might still be an adventure with someone else, it's so much better with him. And by no stretch of the imagination do I consider myself "in love" with the guy, just love him deeply. pretty much, he's still the one I choose every day to make a life with, even when I'm so pissed off I can't see straight!
norajane Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 I was in a 5 year LTR that ended right before the marriage. So close to marriage but not...but I felt married before the actual ceremony. Been there, done that, only my relationship was 6 years, including a year living together. So anyhow....my ex had told me she loved me but was not in love with me.Yes, that's what I told my ex, too. Why is this? Is this to be expected? Do people expect more than their truly is?In my case, my ex and I were only 21 when we met. By the time I moved out, we had changed into very different people than we were at first, and we were not compatible for a lifetime partnership. I fell out of love with him because I started seeing how we really didn't see life in the same way, nor did we want the same things out of life, nor did we really even approach life in a similar way. Personally I always truly felt like my wife would be my partner in life and we would help each other grow and achieve our individual and joint goals. I am not a romantic and believe that I will have butterflys the rest of my life.Yes, that's the kind of team effort a marriage requires. In my case, it wasn't about losing the butterflies, but losing our shared vision (we were heading in different directions in terms of how we wanted our lives to be), and me not really liking who he was becoming as a man. As for advice, let it go. Move on. You are not the same person you were when you met her 5 years ago. Obviously, she feels that things aren't going to work out between you. You're better off meeting people who are compatible with you now, than trying to hold onto someone who was compatible with you years ago and not so much now. Love is a wonderful thing, but - from my years of accumulated wisdom - loving someone doesn't mean you can actually make it work together long term.
Author nowhereman82 Posted September 8, 2008 Author Posted September 8, 2008 Norajane....thats the problem I am having...we are very compatible and still are.....it's just we had a "deadline" for marriage and it wasn't enough time to address things and make it work. She felt like if we called off the wedding to work on things that there was no going back. Sucks.
norajane Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 Norajane....thats the problem I am having...we are very compatible and still are.....it's just we had a "deadline" for marriage and it wasn't enough time to address things and make it work. She felt like if we called off the wedding to work on things that there was no going back. Sucks. There was something holding her back. She would have married you if she really believed it could work out, if she really wanted it to work out.
Author nowhereman82 Posted September 9, 2008 Author Posted September 9, 2008 Meh....I think because of her limited experience she has nothing to base it off of *shrug* We've been pretty honest and open since the 3 months ago we seperated and there hasn't been anything except for her ability to communicate that was an issue for her/me. Which could of been worked on. Oh and the "i love you but im not in love with you" which was her fault for not communicating her issues. But what can you do? lol She will eventually try to get me back or she will regret letting me go once she plays the field.
Author nowhereman82 Posted September 9, 2008 Author Posted September 9, 2008 I think this has sidetracked... I did not mean for this thread to be about me. I was more looking for peoples thoughts on the subject in general and how it relates to them if it does. Any input?
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