carhill Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 They can sort it out but HE has to be willing to see that even though argueing is normal, his abuse is NOT! IMO, this is an important distinction. Handling of conflict, which is a natural part of human relationships, is so important. Perception of communication styles and understanding how one's communication style might be perceived by one's partner is key to effective handling and resolution of conflict. My weakness was/is using intellectual sarcasm to be "mean". That's the area where MC has helped me, mainly to be more direct and less biting and condescending. I'll bet H has his own issues in that regard. W's part is learning to better understand H's basic communication style and altering her perception of it, adjunct to directly communicating to him when his behaviors and talk are unacceptable. He needs to hear that, repeatedly and contemporaneously. IMO, W should set an internal timeline for this process, and I will repeat a suggestion for professional help, and then stick to it and leave, permanently, if his behaviors continue to be unacceptable.
2sure Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Carhill, it is true! Couples eventually learn how to have a discussion, dispute, or even argument with each other. It is healthy to disagree, of course. My Husbands family is kind of loud and passionate - and originally when he raised his voice, I felt he was being verbally abusive. He has learned to lower his voice and I have learned he isnt yelling AT me. While sarcasm is often meant humorously, I find it is best left out of arguments always. Arguing with your spouse is learned skill.
Lucky_One Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I did what Lishy did - I went and looked at OverAnalytical's posts. Well, I looked until about 5 months before the wedding, and the posts were ALL the same, so I quit reading after a while. They fight. A lot. They fight weekly, if not daily some weeks. They fight until one of them walks out the door or into another room. A lot of the fights are bc OverAnalytical is jealous and has low self-esteem (she gets mad if he goes out with co-workers for a drink while they are travelling, she gives him permission to get a lapdance in a strip club while they are out there together but she "gives him the eye" and gets mad that he did it even when she gives him permission, she doesn't want him to think other girls are pretty). A lot of the fights are fights about money (every post stresses how he is unemployed or at a new job and they are broke but they spent $16k on a credit card for a destination wedding in Jamaica or somewhere and a reception and she pays all the bills and "I" "I" "I" - never "we" "we" "we"). A lot of the fights seem to have something to do with her making faces or rolling her eyes at him. A lot of the fights are where OverAnalytical is looking for reasons to fight, and posters constantly tell her that she fits her posting name bc she is trying to find trouble where there is none. I am not picking on you, OverAnalytical. But I think that there is a very unhappy and unhealthy dynamic going on here. Neither one of you know how to argue or fight. You both behave childishly - eye rolling, walking out, belittling each other's behavior. He might be the love of your life, but it is never going to last until you stop fighting all the time. You are only 26, and in your second marriage. You need to learn that you might be making mistakes and that not everything is his fault. I would suggest that you go to some sort of couples counseling, bc I see nothing ahead of you but more fights. Then again, some couples thrive on that dynamic. Maybe it is your own dysfunctional dance. I couldn't live like that, but maybe it is what both of you get off on. Good luck.
carhill Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 While sarcasm is often meant humorously, I find it is best left out of arguments always. Yeah, MC helped me with that. It's really no different than using personal attacks or "pushing buttons" during a conflict or disagreement. Another issue is background. My family dynamic was that things were always discussed and such discussions, even with opposing viewpoints, weren't considered "arguments". Part of my socialization was intellectual debating with my father. It was how I learned, by being challenged. However, my wife's childhood was much more rancorous and tenuous and she didn't feel secure like I did, so she perceives such "debates" far differently than I do. This is where "bending" really works to augment our better understanding of the "whys" regarding our emotional states during conflict. I've learned to verbally tell her "I'm not mad/angry/upset, but merely want to figure this out" when debating a subject. Hopefully, she's learning to accept my inputs as a road to "getting it right" rather than seeing me as "always wanting to be right", which has been an issue. If H isn't open to such concepts or altering his communication style (not who he is) to one more acceptable for his W, then IMO, the M is doomed. Her part, if he is willing to try, is to accept the changes positively and not condemn him when he slips. Positive reinforcement is key. I've really had to work on that.
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