zazue Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 Hello Everyone, I've lurked for a day. This is my first post. Reading all the post's here have really helped me cope this week-end, thank-you all. I found out a week ago this past Friday that my STBX had a girlfriend. He blurted it out in a drunken stupor after I found a hot oil massage candle tag in his luggage, oh yeah, I forgot to add that he is a raging alchohlic. He stopped drinking a while back, but started again about three years ago, and it's been hell. He started working out of town about six months ago, and I knew that that, combined with his drinking, spelled trouble. He called this morning, after saying he was out of town working all week-end (really was with girlfriend I found out) to say he'd be home tonight. I used the advice LadyJane, and others have given. I asked if he was coming home to work out our problems, or just to have a place to stay on the weekdays while he worked (we own a plumbing contracting business). He said we can't work anything out. There is too much bad blood. He's done too many things for me to forgive him. I said that wasn't true, we could, after all we've had 23 years together and that's a lot to give up on. He said no. I know he's in lust with this woman, and not thinking clearly, but I said if that was the case I will be civil while he was here, and we divorced, but now that he has called it quits there is no going back. Even if his girlfriend dumps him in three months, I will not from this moment on ever even consider a reconciliation, and will keep my appointment with my attorney. Now he is calling every 20 minutes trying to guilt me into not seeking the advice of an attorney. You see I have been disabled for ten years. 100%, certified by the federal govenment. We live in a community property state, but it's a fair and equitable division, based on the other's ability to work, health, age, and so on. He will also have to buy me out of the business, and pay me matainance payments monthly, keeping me in the same economic position I've been living. My SSI payments are based on his income, because when I qualified as disabled, it was two months after the job I quit to run his business, dis-qualified disability payments based on my earnings, so I willl lose those benefits when we divorce. I also will get half of his retirement, and social security benifits. He is now really upset. He didn't realize how much it's going to cost him to dump me. He just called to tell me that I could keep my benifits if we got a legal seperation, but I don't think I can get all that I'm entitled to if we go that route. Any help out there would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long post.
LakesideDream Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 Be very carefull. In many states it's not a "status quo" quality of life. There are actually upper limits. Additionally small business's value is often the value of the owner/workers. "Blue Sky" has no value in court. The value of a plumbing business might be the bank account, plus the inventory (not tools), minus any outstanding debts. Sorry you are going through this... it's not going to be as easy as you think.
Author zazue Posted September 9, 2008 Author Posted September 9, 2008 Thanks for replying Lakeside. I know it will not be easy. I just re-read my post and I sound so un-emotional. I'm not, I am very emotionally unstable right now. I'm so unstable that my Doc has me tranquilized to the gills, otherwise I would be in a fetal position, crying non-stop. Even as I write this, I am crying. I'm just so confused, scared, and devastated. I'm worried I'll be living in my car, and my Son will have to quit college. If I could work, I wouldn't be so afraid. I have many skills. I was a hospital administrator for 4 years before I quit when our son was born, and started running our business. Our business isn't that small. We generate over $250,000.00 a year, and will probably make close to $350,000.00 this year. My STBXH has said he will always take care of me, but I know how good that promise is without a legal document backing it up. He doesn't want me to quit running our business, and he still wants me to take care of all our finances, both personal, and business. I think that is because I always have, and he doesn't know how, and doesn't want anything to fall into arrears. I just hate myself so much. He stays here at home on the weekdays, then spends the weekend with his girlfriend. It just makes me feel like a doormat. I cook, clean, handle everything but the actual plumbing work itself (although, before I became disabled, I actually crawled under houses, and help him plumb for three years), then watch him drive away to his carefree weekend with his girlfriend. I just hate myself so much for letting this happen, but he said he has nowhere else to live, and I can't make him leave his own house. I'm at a loss. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up a year from now, and this would all be over.
div2wice Posted September 13, 2008 Posted September 13, 2008 It is a confusing and delicate situation. You definitely need to speak with someone other than your husband. I suggest dong your own research, find out your state laws on these issues. If you can, speak to a lawyer...but I know those are expensive, so if you can there is plenty of help online. You need to go the route that is the best for you. If it costs him, that's too bad. You have to look out for yourself, and your health. I don't know what state your in, but here's a link that may or may not help... http://document-do-it-yourself-service.com/divorce_laws/state_divorce_laws.html Take care...
Recommended Posts