My entire family dislikes him

[cheezy100]

I've been having a lot of problems ever since I started dating a guy I met at a club. Normally, I do not give out my phone number to guys at clubs. It's just not safe, but this guy I met was totally different. He talked to me at the club rather than "grinding" me on the dance floor like the other guys. I've been on 12 dates and have known him for about a month now. We are so comfortable together and I feel happy when I'm with him. We laugh and joke around. This is something that I've never experienced before or felt. I think I like him. Honestly, I've only been in a relationship/dating a guy once. This guy I met is my second. I'm very picky with guys, but this one just fits. Not perfect but he just fits.

 

The more I hang around him, the more I know what kind of person he is. I'm very family oriented, so I tell my dad and sisters that I've met a guy and have been going out with him. I tell them that I met him at a club, (which is bad)...and that he likes to drink a lot. Personally, I don't like drinking and I have a very low tolerance with alcohol. Two girly drinks like Sex on the Beach can start making me feel hot and giggly...and NOT SHY...This guy i'm seeing is a drinker and loves to drink. He loves Soju. Oh, did i mention that he's Korean and I'm Chinese. I know Korean people generally love to drink Soju or any other alcohol, smoke, and gamble. He doesn't smoke which is a good thing. But I"m still not sure if he LOVES to gamble, but I know he does love poker and gambles there with his buddies. Every single time that we've gone out, he's been taking me to korean bars or some type of bar that has alcohol. I go home smelling like alcohol and my family really dislikes that. Also, I get home by like 12am. But there is one time, on the 3rd date, that I went to church with him. Dude, what couples go to church together on the 3rd date? Doesn't this tell a lot? I mean, we do go out during the day time on weekends when he doesn't have work, but we just go out till like 12am...I personally like daytime dates cuz we can do a lot more and spend more time together, but he likes nighttime cuz he said there are a lot of stuff happening at night. I mean, what type of stuff are open late at night besides bars and clubs.

 

I'm so called the "good girl" type. I'm innocent and naive. YES, I know... I'm a nursing student, and that can tell a lot. I have a good heart and very caring. I like to make people smile and laugh.

 

He's a salesmen. He's 26 and I'm 22. A curfew at 12am seems early to him. I can't help it, it's the family rule. But actually, since I'm getting older, my family doesn't really care if I come home at 1am...it's just that I know they would dislike me hanging out with men late at night. You never know WHAT will happen...you know what I mean? They're worried for me. They've been protecting me, so that I won't get "hurt" (physically and emotionally). They don't want me to get BURNED. They don't want me to LOSE SOMETHING THAT I CAN'T GET BACK (physically). Do you know what I mean? I'm the type that is no sex before marriage. I definitely know this guy has had sex before.

 

How do I know? I've been talking to him on Aim, and did a search on him online to see if that screenname pops up anywhere. Well, apparently he is a member discussion forum that helps give advice to other men about how to date/approach/get women. He's so called "master Don Juan." I've read all his posts and threads, and he knows how to deal with women REALLY WELL. He is so popular on that forum that all these guys ask him for advice on how to get women. It's like a total new side of him that I didn't know. I mean, I know he's a womanizer, but not to the point he would give advice to other men. He EVEN WROTE A BOOK (not published). What disappoints me and angers me is that he used some of the advice he gave and moves on me already. OMG...

 

I told my entire family about this because I really want their advice. Just last week, he got me home drunk because we drank 2 pitchers of pineapple soju. Soju is a creeper, and seriously, he had to piggyback me to get to his car. i was not walking straight, and my family called and i was stupid enough to pick up. My sister knew I was drunk. My family dislikes him because he drinks too much, loves to party and hang out at night time only; also got me drunk. was it intentional? I don't know, but he didn't take advantage of me that night. The issue that they dislike about him is that he drinks. My sisters and their boyfriends said that this is TROUBLE. He's not a good guy. Why waste my time on a guy like this? Why don't you search for a better one that is more nicer? Not like a party animal guy...go look for a nice decent guy? They really disliked the issue that he knows how to deal with women and sweet talk. I mean, he knows how to talk because he's a salesmen. They asked me what does he do? Salesmen, come on. They don't make money and not a stable income. But honestly, I don't care about the profession. As long as he makes enough to support himself and family, who cares. I'm only 22, I"m not searching for a husband right now.

 

My friends think that I'm infatuated with him, that's why I don't want to break it off with him. My family wants me to break it off with him. They said that i'm stepping into a very steep hole that I will get hurt later. Why make that mistake?

 

What I personally think is....and this guy taught me this...and it also is one of my beliefs/values.

 

"if you don't take risks, how would you know what will really happen. you will always wonder what would have happened if you gave it a try. So why don't you take the risk, and see what happens. At least you will not regret and wonder what would have happened."

 

i was thinking in my head then, should I take this risk and continue seeing you and see if you truly are a good guy or bad guy? I seriously don't know him well enough and I really want to continue observing him until I can actually fully TRUST him...because everything that he tells me, I believe only 50%. I think if I didn't read his forum/blogs about his dating life and experiences and what he does to get women, I wouldn't be putting up a shield at times.

 

Sometimes I think I'm too overprotected by my family which makes me so cautious about things and think things too complicated. Honestly, I was only thinking about dating this guy to gain experience about men and understand them more. I wouldn't think that we would end up being in a relationship....well, i still think we are dating, but on his friendster status, it says "in a relationship" and his profile pic has our couple photo. I think I do like him and that's what my friend said too. That's why it's so hard for me to break it off with him. What happens if he's not a bad guy? I think I need to learn from my mistakes in order to mature and not be "babied."

 

He's so worried to meet my family because of the things I tell him. I really want to bring him home and meet my family, so that they can get to know him more. I mean, I still have my doubts about him, but I know the longer I know him, I'll understand what he truly is as a guy. But I'm afraid that my family would ignore him. The guy did tell me that there was one girl he dated, which the family didn't like him. But all other girls he dated, the family liked him. I guess, because we two have different lifestyles, we don't match. But other things, we match like crazy. Music, food, art, etc. I'm just so freakin comfortable with him that I can eat like a pig and not be shy; talk with my mouth full and spit something out accidently without being embarassed.

 

Like I wasn't allowed to date in High School. He said that tells him a lot about my family. I don't know what to do. A lot of people say that he's not right for me, I should not see him anymore, I'm gonna end up getting hurt, he's not serious, he's playing me, he's a player.

 

Do you think I'm blinded because I like him or have developed feelings for him? I don't know if I should continue on with him. We just clicked and now, we're holding hands and casual good-bye hugs. We haven't even had our first kiss yet. I don't know if i should listen to my family cuz I'm REALLY CONFUSED on what to do. I really want to continue seeing him, but i have school and nursing school is really time consuming on studying. I can't see him every other day like I did during the summer vacation. I see him 1-2 a week (friday/saturday/sunday?) I talk to him online on other days. His friend told him that our relationship shows symptoms of a long distance relationship, and it's not gonna work. His other friend told him that he needs to meet my family and gain their trust if he wants to see me at night and break the curfew rules. I'm so scared to bring him home cuz he doesn't know yet that my family dislikes him and disapproves me dating him. I did "hint" to him that he's on the blacklist for getting me drunk that night. I didn't get home till 2am...because i didn't want my family to know i was drunk to the point i couldn't walk.

 

What should I do? I don't know. I'm so confused with all these advices in my head. My family is the traditional Chinese family, conservative? I need some help~

[JoeNewbie]

For him to drink and party doesn't make him a bad guy but it seems like it's causing an issue with your family.

 

I personally wouldn't bail out because of this but then again, I'm not very conservative.

[LionLover]

Well I'm not Asian, but being Middle Eastern descent my father was strict growing up so he instilled a conservative/traditional trait from a young age. No one would think that about me at first because I like to joke around a lot & I have an outgoing personality but it's the opposite when it comes to matters of the heart (love, trust, loyality, etc.).

 

So, maybe this guy is the same way too. Don't know him so I can't say for sure, but he is young (26) so the drinking/partying, etc., I would think is relatively normal for that age. Everything in moderation though & if he's doing it every single night along with the other stuff you mentioned, then yeah it would raise a few eyebrows. Trust is earned, it's not given. It's earned through what someone says & backing it up by what they do. They have to match up.

 

It's only natural for your parents to be protective of you, that's what parents do. And yes, your parents should be concerned with him bringing you home at 2am drinking all these loopy concoctions. You should def introduce him to your parents/family/friends at some point so they can get to know him better (and vice versa).

 

Know what I mean?

[JoeNewbie]

Well I'm not Asian, but being Middle Eastern descent my father was strict growing up so he instilled a conservative/traditional trait from a young age. No one would think that about me at first because I like to joke around a lot & I have an outgoing personality but it's the opposite when it comes to matters of the heart (love, trust, loyality, etc.).

 

So, maybe this guy is the same way too. Don't know him so I can't say for sure, but he is young (26) so the drinking/partying, etc., I would think is relatively normal for that age. Everything in moderation though & if he's doing it every single night along with the other stuff you mentioned, then yeah it would raise a few eyebrows. Trust is earned, it's not given. It's earned through what someone says & backing it up by what they do. They have to match up.

 

It's only natural for your parents to be protective of you, that's what parents do. And yes, your parents should be concerned with him bringing you home at 2am drinking all these loopy concoctions. You should def introduce him to your parents/family/friends at some point so they can get to know him better (and vice versa).

 

Know what I mean?

 

I agree with this 100%.

[cheezy100]

Well, i asked him if he goes out every night, and he said no...he drinks ever so often (weekly?) with his buddies or happy hour at work; a couple of beers or long islands...adios...he keeps saying he's not an alcoholic but he does like to drink. i don't think he does it every single night, but he definitely goes out more than me. The fact that he lives with his younger bro and his parents doesn't live with them also may be a reason why he's partying, drinking, late night events...

 

i told him that i think meeting the family is too fast before. he thinks so too, but because we are having issues with my curfew, he thinks he should meet them some day soon.

 

I've only known him for a month. my ex met my family after a month and it was a very BAD idea. the relationship got too SERIOUS very soon. I don't think i'm ready to develop a serious relationship while in school because I can't give him the amount of time that he wants to see me every other day or ever so often cuz i need to study. I can only see him during the weekends. But to me, it seems like it's gonna be a serious relationship soon. He's already telling his buddies that I'm "his girl" or "girlfriend." I think I really do like him, but i think i'm unsure cuz I never felt this way before. When i decided to go out with my first bf, i felt like "oh somebody likes me, I should give it a try." It wasn't because I liked him, I was curious of what "bf and relationships" were since I never had one.

[cheezy100]

do you think I should take this risk and see what happens? if he's a good guy, then I won the Lotto. what happens if he really is a bad guy? I've never been BURNED before cuz I never really LIKED someone or felt this special feeling inside me that i can't explain.

[awesomeness43]

sorry.... long post.. somewhat vent because it hit cords?

 

For him to drink and party, that doesn't make him a bad guy at all. It just sounds like the average normal person that likes to have fun. The fact that you say he is a "player" or has a way with women, not to sound mean, you should feel special that you're the one with him. Maybe the fact that hes with you is because he feels that you're worth it and he himself wants to change his ways.

 

If anything, he sounds like a great guy because we men are jerks unless we really like the girl. The fact that hes still with you after 12 dates and no kissing,foreplay, oral, sex says ALOT. Most guys would of left you after the 2nd date.

 

"I mean, he knows how to talk because he's a salesmen. They asked me what does he do? Salesmen, come on. They don't make money and not a stable income."

 

What kind of sales is he in? Just because sales is more commission based/quota motivated, it is just all the more reason to be successful. I am in somewhat of a market that is sales related. Mortgages and real estate. That by no means makes me

poor. All my professions are considered "sales/salesman" and in every one of them i have made in excess of 100k a year.

 

Like you, i am chinese as well but born in the US and come from a conservative/traditional as well but day by day more and more americanized family. I was brought up with the same values and morals that im sure they are trying to instill in you. There comes a time when you have to grow up and learn what is best for you and not your family. You have to understand their mindset is still traditional and they think back to how they were brought up in asia. You are in America, things that fly there dont here.

 

You have to stop being so judgmental. Because i delayed my college education and have yet to go back.... im 19 btw, i am sure your family or you yourself would think i am a fck up. I don't like the asian mentality. What you dont know is that i was accepted to some of the top colleges in the UC system but instead i decided to join a brokerage firm and work. And what ESPECIALLY annoys me is when i tell them i dont go to college and im 19, and then they see me in my car. BMW 650ci =D , they come to conclusions that i am a drug dealer or my income stream is not legit. WTF, i get manicures and facials, that cracks me up that they can even process that thought.

 

I am tired of how many asians compare you to your cousins or siblings. Whenever my parents say that to me, as douche as this sounds, i just tell them when theyre over 100k in debt and 4 years of their life gone, they basically go to college to make half of what i make.

 

To make matters worse, the girls they have met or know of, they don't really approve of because they look "too cute/attractive" and are good dressers. They assume that when a girl is not in a turtle neck and shoes that cover all aspects of your foot regardless of the season that they are a slut/prostitute/ho. The fact that the girls im with have louis vuitton bags or valentino purses makes them money hungry/gold diggers when in fact they all have money or come from money as well. When i don't have a girlfriend they crucify me for my lifestyle, constant clubbing/bars and that there is no set girl in my life. When im with a girl they find every little thing wrong about her. I have always brushed all that off.

 

Now, my current gf, the first girl im really serious about i am legit scared to introduce to my parents. Because she is half chinese and half white. I already know the issues my parents are going to have with her. They always wanted me to be with a chinese girl but even though they have seen me with other girls culturally but still asian, they are fine with it because they know it is not long term or not too serious. "shes too pretty, she'll cheat on you", "shes too pretty, she uses her looks and prob dumb", "she drives a nice car, her family has money, shes too money oriented" blah blah balh! The fact that shes a model, my parents are going to twist and assume is porn.

 

Truth of the matter is shes educated at one of the top UC in cali for nursing, her family owns a business and is very well off. She is by no means a gold digger or stuck up and one of the nicest most genuine, down to earth and attractive person i know. We click on every level, super compatible, and very giving.

 

SORRY to thread jack? one thing lead to another and i just needed to vent. Maybe ill find a forum to dump this in to and get feed back from. A bit confused as well..

 

Bottom line, he sounds like a great guy and you have to stop being so judgmental and drop the self righteous attitude that many asians have. Again, i myself am chinese but i cant stand many of their mannerisms/attitudes and their mind set. If you dont keep doing these things, it wont be you afraid of him not being good enough for you or family and instead he will be long gone with him and his "player" ways.

[cheezy100]

sorry.... long post.. somewhat vent because it hit cords?

 

For him to drink and party, that doesn't make him a bad guy at all. It just sounds like the average normal person that likes to have fun. The fact that you say he is a "player" or has a way with women, not to sound mean, you should feel special that you're the one with him. Maybe the fact that hes with you is because he feels that you're worth it and he himself wants to change his ways.

 

If anything, he sounds like a great guy because we men are jerks unless we really like the girl. The fact that hes still with you after 12 dates and no kissing,foreplay, oral, sex says ALOT. Most guys would of left you after the 2nd date.

 

"I mean, he knows how to talk because he's a salesmen. They asked me what does he do? Salesmen, come on. They don't make money and not a stable income."

 

What kind of sales is he in? Just because sales is more commission based/quota motivated, it is just all the more reason to be successful. I am in somewhat of a market that is sales related. Mortgages and real estate. That by no means makes me

poor. All my professions are considered "sales/salesman" and in every one of them i have made in excess of 100k a year.

 

Like you, i am chinese as well but born in the US and come from a conservative/traditional as well but day by day more and more americanized family. I was brought up with the same values and morals that im sure they are trying to instill in you. There comes a time when you have to grow up and learn what is best for you and not your family. You have to understand their mindset is still traditional and they think back to how they were brought up in asia. You are in America, things that fly there dont here.

 

You have to stop being so judgmental. Because i delayed my college education and have yet to go back.... im 19 btw, i am sure your family or you yourself would think i am a fck up. I don't like the asian mentality. What you dont know is that i was accepted to some of the top colleges in the UC system but instead i decided to join a brokerage firm and work. And what ESPECIALLY annoys me is when i tell them i dont go to college and im 19, and then they see me in my car. BMW 650ci =D , they come to conclusions that i am a drug dealer or my income stream is not legit. WTF, i get manicures and facials, that cracks me up that they can even process that thought.

 

I am tired of how many asians compare you to your cousins or siblings. Whenever my parents say that to me, as douche as this sounds, i just tell them when theyre over 100k in debt and 4 years of their life gone, they basically go to college to make half of what i make.

 

To make matters worse, the girls they have met or know of, they don't really approve of because they look "too cute/attractive" and are good dressers. They assume that when a girl is not in a turtle neck and shoes that cover all aspects of your foot regardless of the season that they are a slut/prostitute/ho. The fact that the girls im with have louis vuitton bags or valentino purses makes them money hungry/gold diggers when in fact they all have money or come from money as well. When i don't have a girlfriend they crucify me for my lifestyle, constant clubbing/bars and that there is no set girl in my life. When im with a girl they find every little thing wrong about her. I have always brushed all that off.

 

Now, my current gf, the first girl im really serious about i am legit scared to introduce to my parents. Because she is half chinese and half white. I already know the issues my parents are going to have with her. They always wanted me to be with a chinese girl but even though they have seen me with other girls culturally but still asian, they are fine with it because they know it is not long term or not too serious. "shes too pretty, she'll cheat on you", "shes too pretty, she uses her looks and prob dumb", "she drives a nice car, her family has money, shes too money oriented" blah blah balh! The fact that shes a model, my parents are going to twist and assume is porn.

 

Truth of the matter is shes educated at one of the top UC in cali for nursing, her family owns a business and is very well off. She is by no means a gold digger or stuck up and one of the nicest most genuine, down to earth and attractive person i know. We click on every level, super compatible, and very giving.

 

SORRY to thread jack? one thing lead to another and i just needed to vent. Maybe ill find a forum to dump this in to and get feed back from. A bit confused as well..

 

Bottom line, he sounds like a great guy and you have to stop being so judgmental and drop the self righteous attitude that many asians have. Again, i myself am chinese but i cant stand many of their mannerisms/attitudes and their mind set. If you dont keep doing these things, it wont be you afraid of him not being good enough for you or family and instead he will be long gone with him and his "player" ways.

 

your "vent" really helped me ease some stress. I mean, i guess you , so far, is the only one that says he's a nice/great guy. In my heart, I have a feeling like that too, but because of the his discussion forum(the advices he gives to other men)...it creates doubt for me. But you mentioned him being a player and choosing to stay with me, I should feel special. He's been really patient with me, and I know. I don't want to let him go because of my family issues. I didn't want to make things so complicated. I just wanted to date him and have fun like other "normal" 22 year old girls. I wasn't expecting to look for a perfect husband or boyfriend. I don't think it's a waste of my time, like my family says, while with him when I'm actually happy with him. I'm learning from him, partying or serious talk issues, and relationships.

 

In the beginning, I just wanted to go out with him and see where we end up. This is not what I had in mind. It's stressful cuz of family/friend opinions, but I'm happy and stress-free when with him. I really want to focus on my studies but i haven't been able to cuz my family keeps bringing this topic back up...Whenever I'm out with him, they always call asking me "do you know what time it is?" I bet he gets irritated too, but he doesn't want to say it unless he's really ticked off. In a way, it's starting to get really irritating to me too cuz I'm beginning to believe they are ruining my fun and mood with him. And he said the same thing to me too the other day. I really don't want him to be frustrated, stressed, and unhappy while with me.