4yrs married and wife wants to leave. i need input.

[RICKY7780]

here it goes, i have been married to my beautiful wife for yrs and been togethr 5. we have been going through alot since the begining, and we have come out good all the time until just recently. my wife left to live with her dad 5 months ago. we still talk and are still married, but havent had a marriage type relationship. we have a 3 yr old daughter. we got married when she was 17 and i was 20. she says now shes tired of all the **** i have put her through and just wants to leave me for good and be single. now im waking up and realizing how much i love her and im goin crazy, im thinking things i shouldnt be thinking and all i want to do is get her back. but she says she wants nothing else to do with me and all she wants for herself is to be single and with her duahgter. now we love eachother so much and we have always been unseperable, but all of a sudden, one day she just tells me she no longer wants to be with me. all i want to know is can i get her back and should i just let things go. im trying so hard to let this go but no matter what, im thinking about our happy times and past and picture her with me and everything we have experienced over the yrs. i have changed in so many ways since this happend and i want to prove it to her becuz i know this time around i can be that man she wants me to be. what should i do? please help me.

[porter218]

but all of a sudden, one day she just tells me she no longer wants to be with me

Ricky, I am sure this was not all of the sudden. When these things happen they are usually a long time coming..It was probably one straw that broke the camels back, and you know it.

all i want to know is can i get her back and should i just let things go

Yes you may be able to get her back, but you should just let her leave in peace. If she decides she wants to come back then she will, but I am sure there will have to be some changes that she can see first. If you truly want her back then make those changes on your own and tell her that you want her back if she will have you...but after that let her be. A decision to take you back after she has already left will take time... if ever at all.

[RICKY7780]

well i know it wasnt all of a sudden. i know our fights and things i did lead up to it. i guess what i was trying to say is that she finally tyhought something to make her say that to me.

from a womens point of view. after being with a man for so long and sharing so many things with him, is it that easy to forget him? does she eventually go back to him. and if she were have relations with another man would it be worth it to still get back togther, from a mans point of view.

[Ronni_W]

well i know it wasnt all of a sudden. i know our fights and things i did lead up to it. i guess what i was trying to say is that she finally tyhought something to make her say that to me.

Ricky, for her, right now, it's not about being the man she WANTS you to be. It's about the differences between the man she thought she married and the man you started acting like, at whatever point in your marriage.

 

From your two posts, you are acting like a man who doesn't what to take 100% responsibility for HIS role in the relationship breakdown.

First post, she acted impulsively ("all of a sudden"). You get called on that, you reverse your position. But you still don't want to admit that just maybe she had serious and legit reasons for getting out of the marriage, and that you are the source. Because...

 

Second post, she "finally thought something" that made her want to leave. This is the same dynamic you got called on the first time -- you KNOW she didn't just "finally" think something. You KNOW it is a culmination of an accumulation of 4 years of "fights and things i did". You KNOW she has been experiencing distressing conditions and feeling negatively about them, for years. It's not just in her brain, that those things happened.

 

But you STILL don't take appropriate responsibility for it...you still seem to just want to put it down to some sort of mental malfunction on her part (just something kinda 'off' in what she "finally thought".) You will not win her back like that.

 

Was that one of her complaints? That you didn't/couldn't make decisions and/or tried to put all negative crap and consequences on her shoulders?

 

If you do not know that it is that she "finally" FELT bad enough, upset enough and/or despairing enough...then you likely do not have enough, let's call it "emotional insight and/or fluency", to win her back right now.

 

Have you considered individual counseling to get to the bottom of the real changes that you need to make? As long as you try to put it all on her, even if that's unconscious on your part, you will be putting her in the position of 'persecutor' and yourself in the position of 'victim'. Women and men do not like being perceived as persecutors. You won't win her back like that. IC will help you to get a fairer and more accurate picture of the relationship dynamics that led to the breakdown.

 

From a woman's point of view: She isn't trying to "forget" him. She IS taking the steps she feels she needs to take, to stop what has become, for her, a relationship that is not as mutually supportive, and/or rewarding, and/or encouraging as she wants for herself.

 

Can't speak from a man's POV. But. I think for either gender, it is a personal choice and decision whether to reconcile with someone who has dated and/or had sex outside their marriage. (Did this happen after she moved out, or before?)

You will get people telling you it doesn't matter, and don't go back with her under any circumstances. But I think, do what your OWN heart is telling you to do.

[RICKY7780]

well she has never had any relationships of any kind outside of our marriage or after she left. i see what you r saying about its whats in my heart if i decide to take her back. the way i feel is that no matter what, i dont want to find anyone else or move on, i love her so much and want nothing else to do but to be with her for the rest of my life. i wish i knew how she was thinking so i would know what to do, but i feel like she sends me mixed signals by telling things she does. somehow i feel that she is hiding feelings and doesnt want to come out with them. im just so lost and feel like giving up on everything. i feel so bad for our daughter who is in the middle of this. i hate having for to go to her moms one day then come back, it gets so tiring and i know its not what she wants. she wants her parents to be togther and i can since that. just this moring she asked if i loved mommy and and wnated her to come back, it hurts. i guess i just want to know what to do about this whole situation. ppl say to just let things be and if its meant to be she will come back, but i also dont want to sit back while she is saying these things to me. what would be the best thing for me to do at this point.

[porter218]

Have you ever asked her what she wants from you? What changes she wanted you to make??

[RICKY7780]

yes i have asked her what she wanted me to do. and all she told me is that i should have never done the things that i did to her, she told me the damage was done and she is tired of it. i want to confess something, but plesae dont get the wrong impression of me becus its not me at all. i have gotten very physical with her. i know its the #1 thing a man never does to his loved one. i am a piece of crap for doing those stupid things to her, but i knew at what point to stop but apparently even doin it a lil was enough. see, i m bi-polar, and i know its not an excuse but it had to do with alot of my behavior. i cant explain the full severity of our problems becuz its too hard. but what i can say is that when we argued she also had an attitude problem and never knew when to stop. i always told her to leave me alone and let me cool down, but then she to would get physical with me and i would tolerate it as long as possible then i would finally blow up. i know im the blame no matter what, the wife is always right, lol. there is still alot i need to learn, but after having that kind of impact on a relationship i know its hard to reconsider things for a women. she tells me she still cares for me and we still tell eachother that we love eachother. but after 5 months apart already, i see what i need to do and i have changed so much for her, i know how to treat her this time and i know i can make her happier than before. but she wont give it another chance, i dont know if its for good or just for the moment. this is where i get confused on what to do. should i just let her be or should i still pursue her? there are so many things running through my head but i just cant explain what im feeling, all i know is that i want us to continue our marriage. thanks everyone for all your help and it is greatly appreciated.

[2sure]

You were right to admit to the physical abuse. That is something that most women, when they are able to remove themselves from the situation - will not willingly go back to. In fact, its such a risk that no one is going to suggest to her that you can change, to give it another chance.

 

You are both still young. You can both still make changes in your lives so that you can go onto have healthy relationships and be good role models for your daughter.

 

Your wife cannot come back to you, raising your daughter in a home with domestic abuse, creates a cycle. It sounds like you both push each other's buttons. With some help you may be able to control yourself with someone else.

 

It would be a great idea for you two to attend family counseling together so that you have a line of communication open regarding your child.

Get yourself together, so that you have something to offer.

[RICKY7780]

i know i was in the wrong, but would wouldnt it be possible for her to come back and still work this out. i know the damage has been done to her and all i want to do is gain that trust from her again and show her that i am changed. i know deep down in my heart that i have changed and i know i can keep these changes. im different. i know i am. can things still change and me and her end up being happy again?

[Ronni_W]

Ricky, are you getting proper, regular, professional care for the bipolar? Are you on meds? Do you participate in individual therapy? These are not programs with a specific end-date. You need to consistently and continuously invest your time and energy in them. What about group therapy and anger management?

 

That is, what specific professional mental health care practitioners have you consulted and worked with, and under whose care/guidance/support are you at present?

 

It is recognized that many mental and emotional issues cannot be resolved on one's own. If all you are doing is thinking and saying that you have changed and all-of-a-sudden have the necessary healthy coping skills, excellent impulse control, and general self-management to be able to maintain those changes for the foreseeable future, your wife is HIGHLY unlikely to believe that.

 

If you have not already done so, I urge you to consult with your family doctor, and have him/her help you source the additional help that you need.

[2sure]

Unfortunately, many battered women go back to their abuser.

[Rooster_DAR]

1st of all, you guys were way too young. Second, 5 years is about the itch limit for relationships these days.

 

Whatever you do, don't beg or plead. If she decides not to come back at least you will still have your dignity.

 

Cheers!

[jen's mind]

The only way you can maintain dignity as a man is to get yourself well and not be inclined to physically abuse your partner.

 

Do not expect her to "come back" now or at any time in the near future. You must work on yourself before you can hope to work on anything in your marriage.

 

You did marry too young, but it's better that you face these issues now so you can get yourself together and be the type of man that can handle themselves and have a healthy relationship from the start.

[ladyintights]

you treat her like crap and dont appreciate her, yet wonder why she wants to kick you to the curb?

she probably wants to try other men on as well and see if she can do any better and she probably could.

what could you do? beg for a second chance, but it sounds like it might be too late.

[porter218]

i know i was in the wrong, but would wouldnt it be possible for her to come back and still work this out. i know the damage has been done to her and all i want to do is gain that trust from her again and show her that i am changed. i know deep down in my heart that i have changed and i know i can keep these changes. im different. i know i am. can things still change and me and her end up being happy again?

I don't know about that Ricky. I am not buying that, and I doubt she is either. I fully believe people can change, but you are not talking like a 'changed man'.

[RICKY7780]

ok, im tired of ppl asuming that they know me and feel like they know what i am thinking just by the things i type or say. now this is the internet and i can see why things can be missleading and whatnot, but like i said before, i just cant express things the right way becuz there is so much!. first thing, yes and no i treated my wife like crap, i say that becuz, when we werent arguing i was the best person to her, u name it and i did it. i do love her to death and the flaw that i saw in that is that maybe i didnt give it %100 which i now see that i should have and i changed that completely. but when we argued she will even tell u herself that she would start teh problem and just make the problem worse and she knew she would cause my anger and physical abuse (ill get to this in a min) and just wouldnt stop! she is the type that has to have the last word no matter what. next, the abuse, yall come on here talking like i would come home and beat my wife and enjoy it and like i did it on a daily basis. wrong. now as i know im still at fault for doing it and i now know what i shouldnt do and i changed that. now when i said "physical" i meant just minor hits and never did it to the point where i would repeatedly hit her and not stop then just kepp on, it was simply pushes, slaps and hits, but with not all my strength, believe me she did far worse to me as far as physical abuse goes. i do not appreciate being called a "beater" becuz thats not what i am!!! lastly iw ould like to say, why do yall say i havent changed, how do yall know me or whats going on in my head? i simply came on here as a very hurt person asking for some logical advice, yes some ppl are being blunt and straight to the point and i appreciate the advice that they give me, but some come on here talkng like they know whats going on in my head. as far as things that i have done in the past with her that i now know were completly wrong, i know i need to change them and not to do them anymore. thats why i say yes i have changed, yes i still need to work on them and other things, but changed and working o things are 2 completly different things. so yes i have changed, never again will i lay a hand on her no matter what, and i know i can do that becuz no matter what issues i have with "anger" i know not to let it get in the way anymore, i will just get help for it and control it even better. 5 months being away from her has made me see how much i charish her and need to be the best person to her and never let her down again and most of all, put %110 into our marriage and never to take her for granted. thats why i want her back so bad that i will do what it takes to win her back, and no im not just saying all these things just to put on a front, im saying becuz i now see the light and know the truth about things. so i ask ppl on here, please dont say that i havent changed becuz i know i have, i just need to perfect things a little more. but if she really doesnt want to come back then i know what i need to do and really man up then. thanks to everyone on here for their input and advice and feel free to say it. thanks.

[porter218]

why do yall say i havent changed

Because you said:

 

she would start teh problem and just make the problem worse and she knew she would cause my anger and physical abuse (ill get to this in a min) and just wouldnt stop! she is the type that has to have the last word no matter what..

 

She didn't cause you to hit her..you are a grown man. I wasn't saying that you haven't changed as a personal attack. I am just very perceptive to peoples behavior and indicators in the way they speak/type. I am not saying you don't have a chance with your wife, just saying there needs to be more work done here for her to believe you. And no I wouldn't label you as a 'woman beater', I am thinking a good majority of this abuse was emotional...which is just as bad. I think there is a lot of stuff that happened between you 2 that needs to be talked about and sorted out. However if you continue to think this way, regardless if she agrees with you or not, then you haven't gotten far enough in your transformation. Are you in any kind of MC??? Even if you can't fix you M this can still be helpful seeing as you have a child together.

[Ronni_W]

Ricky, the ONLY way other people can assess who you are is by the things YOU say (or type) and the things you do. That applies equally to people on the internet as in your 3D world.

 

Everyone here is responding to what you are typing (saying) and to what (you are saying that) you are doing. It's all we have to go by, and it is actually quite reasonable for us to assume that your words here are a good portrayal of how you see yourself and interact with those around you. If we did not make that assumption...what would you have us do?

 

You are NOT talking like someone who is taking full responsibility for his actions (the actions that you told "us" about), and you are NOT talking like someone who has his angry impulses under control.

If your words here are not an accurate reflection of what is really going on for you, then it is YOUR improperly communicating your truth and reality that is the cause of our not getting it.

 

I do appreciate that you are hurting. I understood, though, that you are looking for ways to reconcile with your estranged wife: Enlist the aid of mental health care professionals so that you can learn how to REALLY take full responsibility for your actions and REALLY start to control your angry (and violent) reactions to your estranged wife and others.

[jmargel]

Ricky,

 

No one is on here to bash you or make you feel worse than you already are. You have to get the help for yourself. Not for her to come back to you. Do this for yourself. As you work on yourself, others will notice it. If you try to do this for the marriage, you will fail at it. As in, if you do it for the marriage and the marriage ends you will stop the counseling. You really need couseling for yourself, too much is bottled up. Trust us when we say you cannot fix this by yourself even if in your head right now you are sure you are 'changed'.

 

Your wife has probably heard this before and your words have become meaningless when you went back on them. It takes two to tango and by no means is she innocent and good chance she needs counsling for her own behavior. Stress, Marriage, Work, Fiances all trigger these behavioral problems in everybody. It's learning how to manage it is the key.

 

We don't have any magical solutions for you to get your marriage back. Right now, believe it or not, that is not the main focus here. The focus is getting your life back on track. Once that happens you will be better suited and equipped with the knowledge needed to make a marriage work if she comes back. If she doesn't then you can use this information on the next woman that comes into your life.

 

Please call a counselor today, you have nothing to lose by doing that. As for your wife right now my best advice to give you when you talk to her is to NOT push the issue of her coming back. The BEST thing you can say is 'I will be here to listen to you when you are ready to talk'. When she does talk, LISTEN, don't interrupt. Tell her 'I understand', which is important. It puts down her defenses. When she talks about how you disappointed her and the marriage BITE YOUR TONGUE and say "I understand'. Don't try to agrue any points otherwise to her, you are not listening and nothing has changed.

 

It's all about communication, it's what makes or breaks a marriage.

[RICKY7780]

everyone, than you so much. i now see what i have to do. yall put a little since into my head. but just a couple of days ago, without reading yalls post first, i thought to myself that i need to control my anger, get help and then maybe while my wife is away from me she can do some thinking and maybe see a change in me. yall are completely on the dot when everyone says that shes probably heard me say "ive changed" before and nevre stuck to it. but i know my wife misses me and thinks about me, how can she not? just the other day i asked her if we were ever going to be together again soon or in our lifetimes, and she said no. then i asked her to promise me and she did, but she says she doesnt promise and that means nothing to her, so i dont know what to believe. but thats beside the point, what im trying to say is maybe when i get the help i need and get things on track she might come back, but if she dont, then life goes on. i really feel like i have changed but i guess i do need to learn how to control it and never to lose it again and be well equipped for those situations. now i would like to ask you this, who should i see, should it be a counseler, or somekind of professional? the issues i have are, im completely fine until something triggers in my mind and i keep thinking and one thing leads to another then im acting crazy and really enraged, wether if im right in what i think i dont know. for example, my wife came over the other day, now keep in mind we have been sepreated for 5 months but talk every so often, well, she came over and she had her cell phone. someone called and i asked her who it was, she told me and i asked her to show me, she did and i saw the persons name who she was talking to, so that confirmed it. but then beneath it i saw a guys number. now shes told me ever since this has been going on she has guy friends and when shes at work they go up there to hang out with her and my wifes best childhood female friend. well on the id was one of those guys, she told me they were just friends. she also tells me she just wants to be alone right now and wants no man in her life, she tells me she has no intentions of messing with another man anytime soon ro for a very long time. anyways, i proceeded to ask her all kinds of question, and before i knew it i had tooken her phone away and tried to look through it, she said no becuz its her phone and that she was hiding nothing. i didnt believe her becuz why would somene defend a phone with nothing on it if they are hiding nothing! so, night prgressed we yelled and argued , we r on decent terms now, but she also mentioned that thats the reason she doesnt believe i have changed, now i belive her. i said i changed becuz i changed inside about never laying a hand on her again, but i never got the picture that thats not the only thing shes worried about. theres more that i need to work on. also another problem i have is when i get angry, i get really angry! i start to yell at the top of my lungs and breaking everything in my path. i need help and thats now apparent to me. who should i see? what do i do when im there? thank everyone so much for the help and advice. yall are life savers for real.

[Ronni_W]

Congratulations, Ricky. You do have good self-awareness and you are obviously very open to self-improvement. That will stand you in good stead for the rest of your life.

 

but thats beside the point, what im trying to say is maybe when i get the help i need and get things on track she might come back, but if she dont, then life goes on. i really feel like i have changed but i guess i do need to learn how to control it and never to lose it again and be well equipped for those situations. now i would like to ask you this, who should i see, should it be a counseler, or somekind of professional?

 

Like there ~ you are, of course, exactly right. What she decides to do about her life and for herself is totally beside the point of what you ought to do about your life and for yourself.

 

It's impossible for readers of a few of your posts to say one way or the other from what type of treatment you will most benefit.

I would recommend that you make an appointment with your family physician who will be in the best position to guide your decision about which specific professional might be best for you. S/he might suggest a psychiatrist, psychotherapist or counselor. (Counselors are also professionals.)

 

Even if you've already decided which type of specialist you want to see, your family doctor may have a list of professionals from which you can choose.

 

It sounds as if you are ready to do this for yourself...hopefully your doctor's office is open on Saturdays so you can at least schedule the appointment. Otherwise, I guess it'll just have to wait for first thing Monday .

 

I am sorry that you are going through this. Divorce is always rough. (((hugs)))

 

EDIT: Once you have your appointment with the mental health care professional, post back if you still have questions about what you could ask/check for during your first interview. But your doctor should also be able to help you a lot, with that.

[LakesideDream]

yes i have asked her what she wanted me to do. and all she told me is that i should have never done the things that i did to her, she told me the damage was done and she is tired of it. i want to confess something, but plesae dont get the wrong impression of me becus its not me at all. i have gotten very physical with her. i know its the #1 thing a man never does to his loved one. i am a piece of crap for doing those stupid things to her, but i knew at what point to stop but apparently even doin it a lil was enough. see, i m bi-polar, and i know its not an excuse but it had to do with alot of my behavior. i cant explain the full severity of our problems becuz its too hard. but what i can say is that when we argued she also had an attitude problem and never knew when to stop. i always told her to leave me alone and let me cool down, but then she to would get physical with me and i would tolerate it as long as possible then i would finally blow up. i know im the blame no matter what, the wife is always right, lol. there is still alot i need to learn, but after having that kind of impact on a relationship i know its hard to reconsider things for a women. she tells me she still cares for me and we still tell eachother that we love eachother. but after 5 months apart already, i see what i need to do and i have changed so much for her, i know how to treat her this time and i know i can make her happier than before. but she wont give it another chance, i dont know if its for good or just for the moment. this is where i get confused on what to do. should i just let her be or should i still pursue her? there are so many things running through my head but i just cant explain what im feeling, all i know is that i want us to continue our marriage. thanks everyone for all your help and it is greatly appreciated.

 

Well... there you go. You beat up your wife, you can't expect her to trust you laying naked in bed with you. Don't believe me? Try beating a pet, see how much the pet likes you.

 

I don't care if you are "bi-polar", "tri-polar", or freakin Antarctic. You don't beat your spouse, you don't allow yourself to be beaten.

 

Leave her alone, pay your child support, and stay in your childs life. Use your abysmal behaviour in the past as a turning point, learn from your mistake and don't make the same mistakes in your next relationship.

 

An aside. From your lack of writing skill, and general comments it sounds like I am just about old enough to be your "father in law". If you would have beaten my daughter, she would already be single, hopefully a merry widow.

[RICKY7780]

lakeside- for ur info me and my wife still have intimate relations. she knows i can change when i get the right help. but like everyone says, she has to see it and it has to be proven. u r right when u say that im not supposed to beat my wife. i addressed that prob already and need to get my temper under control now. im not gonna leave her alone, she is my best friend no matter what the outcome is. for our childs sake, we need to be friends and still have that relationship so it doesnt make it worse on her. she also told me if we ever got a divorce she would never make me pay child support, but i am gonna be there to support her financialy with our kid. becuz im not a dead beat dad. i love my child. and to sit here and comment on my writng skill? lol, im 24 i write the way i want, u still know what im saying right? nobody is perfect and i think writing skill is the last thing i or you need to be worried about right now. but thanks for ur reply, whatever the point of it was and what it meant, i dont know.

[Ronni_W]

Ricky,

Your post #23 shows SO MUCH MORE self-management and self-assurance than your post #16! This is exactly the type of mindset and temperament that you want to make your way of being...permanently, consistently, 24/7/365.

 

I highly encourage you to find ways to really strengthen and anchor the qualities and behaviours that you want for yourself. To me, you are demonstrating that, with a bit of professional input and support, you will have excellent success. Best of luck.

[jmargel]

Lakeside.. That was uncalled for. Your kind of posts do not help the situation. He is admitting he needs help and asking for advice. Your type of posts can set a person back when reading those things.

 

Ricky, i'm glad you recognize your problem. Whether she is seeing another man or not is a totally different situation. It's understandable to get upset when you see those things, but showing anger doesn't help it only pushes her towards this man even more. For example, if this guy is telling her to leave you that you are 'dangerous, mean, angry and violent' then by your behavior like thiat, it re-enforces his side. All that does then is give another small victory to him and his case. In those situations the BEST way to deal with that is to let her know you are upset (don't yell, show confidence without using fear) and open that cage door. Tell her she is free to go but that you will not accept her back. Women love confidence, it's something you need to show. Yelling, being angry, throwing things is NOT confidence. It's the opposite. It's fear, it's insecurity, it's miscommunicating on what you are feeling. When you do that, the focus is then on your yelling, not what you are feeling.

 

I would check with your physician as well, however IMO I think you would be best for a psychologist. Find one that is recommended, because a bad psychologist can make the situation worse. Also, re-read my last post in how to talk to her. Changing something like this takes a very long time, you have to be able to recognize when you feel things build up and then take the appropirate actions to deal with it in the correct way. When you start counseling (and only after you start) let her know in a non-chalant way. After a few sessions ask your counseling if your wife can join and then offer that to your wife. If she accepts, great.. If not, then continue what you are doing to improve yourself.

 

You are also not the only one who messed up in this marriage so don't take the full burden yourself. I hope she can get the help she needs as well.