Cujo Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 Hi, I wrote a thread here back in May (that was deleted btw.....thank you mods!) about my three year relationship coming to an end. Well four months on I can tell you that it is unfortunately not out of my system yet. I have highs and lows but I had a really bad today where I just sat around and pined for my ex, thinking about her constantly, what she is doing and who she is with etc. It has got to the point where I cannot sleep and I am up at 2am in the morning writing this. The end of the relationship got really messy. We went on a break in March (completely out of blue to me) but she selfishly insisted on keep contact with me during the break (I wanted to go NC but she called and text me all of the time). She stayed at our apartment alone for one month until I finally cracked and told her that if we were going to be going on a break and she insisted on getting everything her own way then I'd prefer that we broke up completely. She seemed in total shock and pleaded with me to stay and talk it out but I left and did reply to her various calls, texts and emails. I then stupidly decided that I would write back to her email (I really regret doing this!!!) and we met up for coffee. We talked for ours and decided to not talk for one month to clear the air and see how we were at the end of the month. The next morning she called crying asking if we could get back together. I (again foolishly) agreed. The thing was she had exams at the end of the month so spent the vast majority of her time studying for them. By the end of the month we met up to talk and she dumped me for good! (I was speechless!) The pain was unreal, I lost loads of weight and couldn't eat or sleep properly. I moved my stuff out of our rented apartment and she did the same and that was probably the worst week of my life! We met up for coffee to discuss getting deposits back etc and she sent me the odd text message saying that she missed me and asking me how I was doing etc. Somehow I managed to get strength from somewhere and try and rebuild my life again without her. I go to the gym alot and I even started a new job that I love and I have applied to do another degree in the evening.................but even with alot of friends around me I feel so hopelessly alone Anyway we bumped into each other at mutual friends parties and she even invited me out for dinner on my birthday which I accepted. We then went on a for dinner and a movie which she said was 'perfect'. My head was all over the place so I called our mutual female friend and talked to her. I basically poured my heart out to her and she said that nobody knew I was feeling that bad. She then told my ex about this and my ex blew her top and said I shouldn't be telling other people our business and she thought it would be better to go NC for a while. I told her it was way past the stage of going NC and we should have really done that at the start. Anyway she of course broke the NC and sent me a few texts etc. I ignored them, she then sent me an email telling me that she wants to move away and even went so far as to have an interview. I was shocked and called her straight away and told her that I thought we could have an other go somwhere down the line and she basically said that she wanted to experience something else and that I shouldn't pin all my hopes on us getting back together. That was the straw that broke the camels back for me and I vowed from that day on that I would never ever speak to her again! She called and emailed me a week after that looking for something that I had a my apartment belonging to her. I blanked her. I ended up dropping it off at a friends for her to collect and she text me saying that she was shocked and that she knows this is the easy option for me to take. She finished by saying take care and that if I need anything at all then to let her know. That was two months ago and I haven't heard anything from here since. I am now sitting here for the first time in two months thinking about her and missing the great relationship that we once had before she turned psycho. I'm am then getting a few pangs of bitterness and the urge to see her next relationship (I don't even know if she is single right now) crash and burn so she can feel the pain that she has put me through. So my questions are...............is what I am feeling normal? When can I fully get my life back?? Will I ever get her out of my system???
Author Cujo Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 This is still bugging the hell out of me, I am been single for 4 months and after a nightmarish first month I was slowly improving but now I feel myself being dragged back down by the thoughts of my ex and the equal feelings of totally missing her and completely hating her at the same time. I feel like I'm losing my mind! Any words of wisdom would be really helpful to me right now.
HopeDiesLast Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Cujo-I feel the same exact way. i just hit the 3 month mark and i keep finding out things i wish i didnt know. i keep trying to figure things out and analyze him and what hes thinking....when honestly i haven't a damn clue. i guess being in the same situation, all i can say is what people (including my therapist) have said to me. They all say to think about yourself- and i know, you're like, "well i did that." but what they really mean is to think about what you're thinking. You say shes always in your head....you've started to think about her all the time again. What are your thoughts? What are the thoughts about yourself? Do you feel helpless and alone and sad? What starts them? Once you can analyze your thinking, you can fight it. The same way you can confide in someone and they give you all this great advice....and somehow you feel better after, you can do it for yourself. and we have to. it sucks. it hurts. and no one wants to replace the "i want her back" with "theres someone new coming along." because thats hard and painful. but when you feel hopeless and the situation doesnt seem to be changing....do you really have another choice? We've all made the improvements on ourself by going to a gym, going out again, starting to rebuild a new life. now its just our minds making us crazy. we've got to take control of that. cognitive thinking i believe its called. and the best way to get out of this state is to get THROUGH IT. not over it, around it or under it. but to go in a straight line through the crap. and just feel it. I guess this is day 1 for me to really try that. So my advice is....lets try it together and see what happens. what have we got to lose?
nopainnogain Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 I'm am then getting a few pangs of bitterness and the urge to see her next relationship (I don't even know if she is single right now) crash and burn so she can feel the pain that she has put me through. So my questions are...............is what I am feeling normal? When can I fully get my life back?? Will I ever get her out of my system??? I feel the same exact way. Is this normal. When do these thoghts go away???? its been 6 months for me. Life is getting better but the resentment wont go away. Maybe its me feeling guilty for my self for chasing her after the split and losing my diggnity for that moment in time. However I am regaining my diggnity and self esteem slowly but surely
Author Cujo Posted September 13, 2008 Author Posted September 13, 2008 Thanks alot for your replies folks, hopefully we can get through these hard times together and be stronger people because of it! You say she’s always in your head....you've started to think about her all the time again. What are your thoughts? What are the thoughts about yourself? Do you feel helpless and alone and sad? What starts them? Hmmmm, well I cannot really explain why she has popped back into my head (she had never gone away but the pain did for a while). Maybe its because I have crossed an invisible barrier in my mind and the realization that we have both moved on for good has finally dawned on me. Or maybe I just miss the lack of sex (oh the pain!!! ), companionship & security that go hand in hand with a relationship. How do I feel about myself? I think I am doing really well actually and people have commented on how good I look and congratulate me on how well I am doing etc but I cannot help thinking that she is doing better and I am constantly thinking that she has found somebody else to fill the void left by me in her life while I still have a glaring abyss in my life since we parted ways. The things that mainly start these horrible thoughts are: thinking of who to go on vacations with now that I'm single, seeing my friends with their partners, being in bed alone at night with nothing but my imagination to keep me company..............little things like that, but little thing that are pretty much unavoidable. The main thought is of her with somebody else, when I hear that news I know the pain is going to be on par with an American History X curb bite. I seriously try not to think of her with another guy...........the thought of it makes me physically ill! If she is, I really don't want to know about it!
0hpenelope Posted September 14, 2008 Posted September 14, 2008 You've got a rough road ahead of you, but all of us on these forums have traveled through it at least once. There's no way around this hardship. You have to experience the entire pain instead of avoiding the pain. Once you're looking from the other side - the side where you're totally ok and you could care less about what she does or she's doing - you'll have very minimal chances of a relapse happening. You'll get to healing soon enough. But you have to confront the demons first and fight them before you can say you've won.
Recommended Posts