LateBloomer Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 It's been about two months since my girlfriend and I broke up. Like everyone else here, I was devastated. Just when I thought things were moving to a new, high, almost sublime level ... she cut and ran. I know it's still pretty recent, but I've had some chances to meet new women. It's just happened that way. Sadly I can't seem to get even close to them. There's a wall up now inside me. I can't even remotely think of being intimate. My girlfriend kept so much inside, including some deep, dark secrets. In the end, she didn't tell me about any real problems until it was too late. It was a betrayal on a deep level since we didn't just share a special intimate relationship, we also shared an intellectual one based on trust and growth. I can already hear people saying, "It will just take time." I'll respond in advance by saying, "Man, that sucks." I can see a whole bunch of special women coming and going in my life because I'm emotionally shut down now.
orangehose Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 I feel the same way, LateBloomer (although it's been a lot more than two months for me). There's a trust issue, which has me rolling my eyes at guys' attempts to flirt (like, SURE you think i'm great now, but just give a little while and you'll abandon me, too). But there's also an issue of just not yet finding someone that I have even the beginnings of a connection with. But then I also wonder whether not feeling a connection is a matter of not having my heart open again to the possibilities that DO present themselves. I don't know what the issue is, but i hope things change soon.
sedgwick Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 It's been 15 months for me and I'm not at all ready to date. Don't worry about that right now. I'm certainly not going to force myself into it; I'd rather be single than go on dates and compare them to my ex. I'll date again if and when I'm ever over him. In the meantime it's not fair to anyone I'd go out with. Instead, I'm taking this time to do the things I want to do for myself. I need to learn that I can be happy single before I even think about dating again. And I have to build my trust in other people back up. The same thing happened to me that happened to you. I thought things were great, and that we had recently overcome some obstacles and grown stronger because of it. I was really proud of us as a couple, and then all of a sudden one day he just bailed. Poof, just like that. I don't know how you're supposed to trust again after that happens to you. If you figure it out, tell me, willya?
Author LateBloomer Posted September 8, 2008 Author Posted September 8, 2008 Being happy single is a good indicator. But as I'm sure many have felt, you reach a certain age where you have a compelling urge to share your life with someone. It makes the entire thing incredibly painful when you *think* you may have found that person ... but they decided (sometimes harshly and surprisingly) otherwise. I am also doing a ton of stuff to help a) move on and b) become the person I've wanted to be for a long while. Strange irony here is that I am currently a much more active, thoughtful, inspiring person now than I ever was with her.
ed-205 Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 I think that if you really want to learn to trust again, you might have to work at it. I really don't know how to go about it, other than to just take your chances and hope for the best, but I know that in itself can be incredibly difficult and counterproductive. I know that I will personally *never* trust another woman. I have already acknowledged that as a *ME* problem more than once on this board, although the few women I dated after my cheating Ex left seemed to go out of their way to re-enforce that mistrust, and I have learned to be content with the concept of being alone for the rest of my life. I DO think, however, that if you plan to have future relationships in your life, you need to learn how to trust again, and you need to actively pursue the means to accomplish that. Maybe a Google search for "learning to trust" might lead to some possible methods.
Habibti Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 It's been about two months since my girlfriend and I broke up. Like everyone else here, I was devastated. Just when I thought things were moving to a new, high, almost sublime level ... she cut and ran. I know it's still pretty recent, but I've had some chances to meet new women. It's just happened that way. Sadly I can't seem to get even close to them. There's a wall up now inside me. I can't even remotely think of being intimate. My girlfriend kept so much inside, including some deep, dark secrets. In the end, she didn't tell me about any real problems until it was too late. It was a betrayal on a deep level since we didn't just share a special intimate relationship, we also shared an intellectual one based on trust and growth. I can already hear people saying, "It will just take time." I'll respond in advance by saying, "Man, that sucks." I can see a whole bunch of special women coming and going in my life because I'm emotionally shut down now. Question- if she were willing, would you be willing to forgive her for the trust she broke with the secrets thing?
Author LateBloomer Posted September 8, 2008 Author Posted September 8, 2008 Question- if she were willing, would you be willing to forgive her for the trust she broke with the secrets thing? I think it's one of those "you can only know if you experience it" kind of things. Honestly though, I don't see how I could, since the nature of the betrayal was so under the surface. I was actually led to believe that things were getting better and better, and that we were overcoming hurdles, not falling over them. Personally I think much of it had to do with deep issues from her childhood, teenage and early adult years. They are all of course related. Possibly if she saw those things and realized what role they played, I might? She'd also have to have to want to work on lots of things which I feel will never be the case. She's more stubborn that she realizes. But inevitably I go back to the place that asks myself, how I can ever really know that something similar wouldn't happen again? How can you ever really know what someone is thinking and feeling? People can be quite selfish and deceptive in subtle ways with their emotions. I guess any real relationship I have in the future is going to involve building back trust. I don't look forward to the damn conversations about, "Look, I like you, but I have issues with trust ..." That's unfortunate, since I am by nature a very loving person ... and was by nature a very trusting one. I guess scars really are just that, scars.
HopeDiesLast Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I had that "Look, i like you, but i have issues with trust...." talk with my current ex. after the previous one broke my heart. i learned to trust again. and here i am again. not sure what to tell you. not sure how im gonna do it again either.
movingonandon Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 The way i've resolved this issue for me is simple: Everybody starts with an "A" grade in my book, and in our subsequent interactions I determine if it stays that way or gets lowered. I certainly could not trust my ex after she betrayed me, but I would happily trust any new person, until they give me a reason not to. That's really all you can do - you can't possibly control other's behaviors and thoughts. Just decide where you draw the line, stick with it, and then don't even think about it!
Walking away Posted September 9, 2008 Posted September 9, 2008 I have issues with trust. And it's weird. It's not that I don't trust my SO. It isn't about jealousy or cheating. That isn't my trust issue. It is about trusting that I am safe. And a fear of getting hurt: really hurt. When you hear someone say things that you have already heard from someone who hurt you, it is hard to believe even though intellectually you KNOW this is a new person. My SO is wonderful. He knows about my issues and is very patient. He knows it will take time for me to trust. And it's sad. He is suffering for the sins of other men. And this man has passed the test of time. He has done NOTHING to make me nervous or alert red flags. He is absolutely amazing to me. And everyone can see that he loves me. But, I can't help it. I wish I could change my trust issues (and I hope that someday I will learn to trust him implicitly), but there is something inside of me that screams at me to protect myself. Self protection. That's what my problem is. And I don't have this problem with anyone but him. I don't feel vulnerable with others because they probably don't get into my skin deep enough to scare me... I don't know... I guess time will tell if I am able to totally trust. I sure hope so. But, it IS hard. I feel like a skiddish horse.... Don't get too close...
ed-205 Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 I've been thinking about this a lot since my last post (#5), and I think I have at least a partial answer. It seems to me that it isn't an issue about trusting someone else, but about trusting *myself* and my own judgment in the people with whom I choose to invest myself emotionally. That is my *ME* problem. I can't control what anybody else thinks, feels, or does, so how can I put my trust in *them*? As an analogy: I do about 95% of my traveling on a 26 year old Motorcycle with 80k miles on it that I ride every day. I would have no problem jumping on it this afternoon to start a 2000 mile trip (and I have actually done this), trusting that old bike would bring me home again. The fact is that I'm not actually trusting the motorcycle - it's just a machine, nothing more nor less - but the mechanic who rebuilt it and maintains it, and that would be *me*. Has it ever *Failed*me? Yes, it has, once or twice. Every time I take a trip on it, I do so with the full knowledge that if it breaks down somewhere along the way and I can't fix it, I may have to sell it for scrap and buy a bus ticket home, but even then I trust *myself* to be able to cope with that. The reason I trust myself to do this is because I have taken the time to learn everything I can about this old bike, and I interact with it every day. I have never been a particularly active social type. Even when I went to parties or other events, I generally sit by myself and watch everyone else have a good time. By avoiding the social interaction, I denied myself the opportunity to learn to develop that sense of judgment in myself that allows me to make good decisions about other people. It's as if I expected to learn everything I needed to know about motorcycles by watching other people race them and ride them. The ability to "trust" in others is a direct reflection on our own self-confidence and the ability to trust in *ourselves*. No-one else can do this for us, we have to learn to do it for ourselves. The question is, how do we go about that? I think this forum is an Excellent place to start. By interacting with others, we learn: - that we are not alone in our situations - that by sharing experiences, we can help others as much as we hope to be helped ourselves - that what doesn't kill us makes up stronger, wiser, more *human* - that we need to forgive ourselves for our mistakes as much as we forgive others for theirs Maybe the answer really is just that simple. I'm sure there's more. Feel free to add to the list, in fact I would love to see what everyone else thinks.
motive2002 Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 That's some post ed-205! I'll share what the ex told me. Heh, can't believe she laid this one on me, the guy she dumped of all thing.. but here goes. "If you give your heart to someone and they stomp all over it, you could have either worried about getting your heart stomped on the whole time, or just tried your best to enjoy the here and now. Either way, you've had your heart stomped on in the end." So I guess what she was trying to say is that life has no iron clad guarantees. The person that is your "soulmate" could just turn and walk away... so if you're busy enjoying each others' company NOW, focus on that. Don't lose the fun times worrying about whether or not they're gonna turn out to be slime. My ex is a bitch by the way. I really do think she's disgusting.
orangehose Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 "If you give your heart to someone and they stomp all over it, you could have either worried about getting your heart stomped on the whole time, or just tried your best to enjoy the here and now. Either way, you've had your heart stomped on in the end." Wow, that's pretty awful to say to someone you've dumped. Be glad this woman is out of your life, motive.
gonetildecember Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I'm realizing I have serious f**king trust issues :S
Trialbyfire Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 It's been about two months since my girlfriend and I broke up. Like everyone else here, I was devastated. Just when I thought things were moving to a new, high, almost sublime level ... she cut and ran. I know it's still pretty recent, but I've had some chances to meet new women. It's just happened that way. Sadly I can't seem to get even close to them. There's a wall up now inside me. I can't even remotely think of being intimate. My girlfriend kept so much inside, including some deep, dark secrets. In the end, she didn't tell me about any real problems until it was too late. It was a betrayal on a deep level since we didn't just share a special intimate relationship, we also shared an intellectual one based on trust and growth. I can already hear people saying, "It will just take time." I'll respond in advance by saying, "Man, that sucks." I can see a whole bunch of special women coming and going in my life because I'm emotionally shut down now. Latebloomer, you do learn to trust again, perhaps not as blindly but you do. What some of us have learned is that if someone tells you something that negatively impacts on the relationship, believe it. If they say something positive, you watch to ensure their actions equal their words. If both actions and words are in synch, believe it. If they differ, believe the actions. Beyond that, are you prepared to go through life without love, ever again? You'll heal in time. I mean that sincerely. Sooner or later you'll find that the hurt stops hurting. One day you'll get this feeling of giddy freedom from the hurt. When that happens, you'll be ready for someone else. I wish you much luck and give you empathy in your healing process. It sucks to be hurt deeply by someone you trusted, it really does.
EmperorR Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I'll never trust again, NEVER. She was the first person I opened up to, told everything and I got burnt. Never again, I may love again, i may get close to someone again but I will never trust anyone, i know its bad but i'll always just think in my mind, any day now she'll dump me and for that reason I'll always have my shield up
carhill Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 OP, read ed-205's post a few times. It's from a male perspective and contains a lot of wisdom. This issue really is about you. In time, likely with some conscious work on your part, that wall inside you will come down and you'll begin to trust yourself again and hence your choices in romantic partners and others of potential importance in your life. Think about all the people in your life who you do love and trust now. Think positive
nickelinadime Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 You will trust again. I was cheated on, but just because one girl does it to you, it doesn't mean at all that girls are like that. I met a girl (who's now my ex) and she was an awesome girl. I mean, she had her flaws, like everyone else, but she was amazing. You will trust again. I promise.
sunshinegirl Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 As I get back into the dating pool I think I am finding that I have high walls myself. I'm not sure if I haven't let enough time pass (breakup was 4 months ago) or if I haven't met the right person, but nobody's "doing it" for me. I like what ed said above that it is probably an issue of not trusting myself and my judgment: my last boyfriend cheated on me and it totally blindsided me. I'm not sure exactly how to deal with the trust issues I have now. I feel like I'm letting some good guys slip by in the meantime.
Intergalactic Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 i'm jumping on the bandwagon and saying i have trust issues too! i already had them, comes with the territory after hiding depression, eating disorders and a bunch of other ****ed up stuff for years, but i've learned a ****ing lesson since my ex told me he could "handle it" and pushed me to tell him the extent of my depression and suicidal tendencies - and then less than two months later he broke up with me, saying he couldn't handle the relationship anymore. i don't blame him completely but he should have ****ing listened to me when i told him he was too close to the situation to be able to handle what i was saying, because who wants to hear that someone they love wants to commit suicide? i'm now trying to sort these trust issues out with my psychiatrist, so i can learn that i CAN trust people and tell people things like this and they won't all go running in the other direction, but it's hard.
nopainnogain Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 You will trust again when you build your confidence to a point where if someone does betray you ,you can walk away instead of sticking around and getting burned again.
watermeloncandy Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 You will trust again when you build your confidence to a point where if someone does betray you ,you can walk away instead of sticking around and getting burned again. i have trust issues too and am getting a counsellor to help me with it. i don't know what she's got planned, but i have read that it's about building up your self-esteem and knowing that if they do betray your trust you have enough confidence in yourself to know that you will be perfectly fine to walk away and not have them in your life. i can logically understand that, but the emotional part of me can't see right now how i wouldn't be devestated if someone else lied to me. it's just such an utter disappointment......
Freedom Now Posted September 28, 2008 Posted September 28, 2008 I agree with what everyone has said about their trust issues. I developed the confidence in myself that if I sniffed out a liar, I was gone, as I have been emotionally devastated by men who have pathologically lied to me. Two men hurt me that way. Now, I find myself in the uncomfortable position of dealing with yet another set of lies from a man whom I had very carefully and systematically watched and trusted....and inspite of all that, I was deceived. Prior to him, I was very guarded. Now, I will be even more guarded. Will I ever trust again? I have the belief that people have goodness in them. I hope that will help me in the future. But for now, time to go back into my shell for a bit.
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