the sorry state i'm in....

[silverstar189]

Ok kids, story time...

 

I've been in my current job now since the beginning of last year. When I first started, I was seeing someone, and was happy. I noticed a girl at work and thought she was pleasant and didn't really think about it. The relationship ended, although noone at work knew much about my private life. I got chatty with this girl over a few days at work and one of my workmates noticed she was being flirty (i'm TERRIBLE at noticing this). Anyway, we had a work night out, and we end up chatting, she dropped into the conversation that she'd not had a boyfriend before, which i thought wierd/a naive comeon (she was 19, me 24). Then later in the night we end up kissing randomly, and walk out of the club holding hands. I'd had a bit to drink, and me and her friend had a brief row over paying for the taxi and i walked off and left both of them.

 

No detail of the entire night was ever mentioned by anyone again, like a strange silence. I ignored this girl at work even though we worked in the same department. I had a bit of a crush on her, but ignoring her worked pretty well, and i started seeing someone else. For nearly a year it all went on like this, but we broke up and as me and this girl from work sometimes share the same bus we'd catch the odd beer together. I was going down to the local fair that weekend, and said she could come along, but didnt really get an answer. Then a few months back (june) we were on another works night out. I was completely ignoring her as usual, but i was horsing around and tried on a random girls jacket for the amusement of my friends. turned out to be hers. she was of course straight on over. there was a bit of a mock struggle, she ended up putting her hand on my backside and saying how nice it was etc. she was being really forward, not shy at all. the scenario ended up being one of 'give me my jacket back or i'll kiss you''...so we ended up kissing in front of everyone again....and then she disappears off with some others and i don't speak to her for the rest of the night. Her friend kept trying to make a move, which didn't work. Again, noone at work has ever mentioned it to me at all.

 

I started to recognise I had a bit of a crush, but this time I thought i'd manage to completely get rid of the problem as i was transferred to a different department. problem solved. but then guess who gets transferred as well a couple of weeks back? we end up going for beers after work again. Her friend had moved away and she questioned me about why i hadnt gone for her, and the topic towards casual sex, and how she likes uncomplicated realtionships, but in a really naive way. she starts talking about how shes had sex in the snow and how she tried swinging once, and theres me just nodding my head trying not to look taken aback and thinking wtf, why start telling someone this? i might have lost my cool a little, and just said thats not really me, which it isnt, although I'm no saint. I'm not vain, but i know i'm not an ugly guy, but to me it seemed that she was bluffing, trying to sound experienced, but I'm so desparately bad at picking up signals I just didn't know what to think. Hell, if you're going to have a relationship with a coworker it'd better be worth it, and something at least meaningful (i know, i'm such a girl). She also mentioned she liked all these films that were more my taste than hers, and also that she like war movies and rambo...i used to be in the army, but i never mention it to anyone at work, although if you dig around on my facebook you could probably find some iraq photos with me etc. I got the feeling she was trying to pander to my tastes, or what she suspected they were.

 

There was another works night out last week and my head was going round in circles, so this time I genuinely ignored her even though i'd asked her if she was coming and she looked great, obviously made loads of effort. She ended up dissapearing off somewhere and i ended up home alone and unhappy. Apparantly noone copped off with anyone else so I guess she can't be half as permiscuous as she made out, but who knows?

 

On friday I was sitting in the break area and amongst the gossip she comes up. I hear one of the guys in passing saying she's unattached, and jeff in my department has a crush on her. She's already got one other 'friend' who has a crush on her and dotes on her like a fool to no avail. I'm usually a bit sarcastic at work, so i guess i portray quite a bit of confidence, but afterwards we're having a laugh and a joke and i'm being sarcastic with people and all of a sudden shes there....i try to make like i'm not bothered but i lost my cool a bit, and my lame attempt to poke fun came off as a bit harsh.

 

I realise that things can't keep going on like this. I've tried ignoring her, which hasn't worked, as although I've had other relationships in between this all keeps popping back up. I would like to get over all of this either way, I don't want to be some creepy guy who dotes on her like the guy at work, but so far my stubborness isn't doing much good either. Also, theres the whole issue of making a complete fool of myself.

 

Well, thanks for listening, a bit longwinded I know, but nothings ever complicated eh?

[CaliGuy]

You ignored her, several times. What did you expect her to do?!

 

And yes, your friends are right. You are very bad at picking up flirting signals.

[Jilly Bean]

Are you 12?

 

Please leave this girl alone. The games you play are not going to be worth the investment to anyone. And it doesn't sound like she's interested in you anyhow (and how could she be, considering how you've treated her?)

[silverstar189]

tough crowd......but i guess this is all impartial advice, and i appreciate the time you've taken to reply. ok, i've been a jerk. i ignored her because i was too shy to speak to her, even though I act the big man around everyone else. If leaving her alone is what I need to do, so be it, I'll just have to deal with it. The only thing is, as far as possible I'm leaving her alone already....I don't speak to her unless she speaks to me (it's not that she was speaking to me and i was ignoring her, i just wasn't approaching her). What's the best way to sort this out without being a jerk, just withdraw completely?

[CaliGuy]

tough crowd......but i guess this is all impartial advice, and i appreciate the time you've taken to reply. ok, i've been a jerk. i ignored her because i was too shy to speak to her, even though I act the big man around everyone else.

 

I am sure she noticed your behavior around your friends and around her, especially when she was flirting with you and I completely understand why she is acting the way she is.

 

If someone likes you, ignoring them because you are shy will kill any potential attraction. Get over your fear by stepping outside your comfort zone.

 

If leaving her alone is what I need to do, so be it, I'll just have to deal with it. The only thing is, as far as possible I'm leaving her alone already....I don't speak to her unless she speaks to me (it's not that she was speaking to me and i was ignoring her, i just wasn't approaching her). What's the best way to sort this out without being a jerk, just withdraw completely?

 

No, you take her aside and tell her why you acted that way and apologize. She either believes you or she doesn't. Then leave it be and see what she does.

 

In the meantime you need to start talking to women as much as possible, especially ones you like so you can get over your shyness.

 

Yes, it's a tough crowd here but we see things for face value. At least you can be sure that nobody here is going to sugarcoat things.

[D-Lish]

I'm not actually getting any understanding here about how you actually feel about this girl.

 

Do you like her? Want to date her? You've stated you have a crush on her, yet you go out of your way to ignore her- and now you are asking the best way to withdraw from her.

 

DO you like her- want something to transpire between the two of you.... or not?

[TheSilentType]

Its hard, but just keep ignoring her. Seriously, don't pander to her. Waste of time.

[silverstar189]

I do like her, and have done from the start, and would like to start something in an ideal scenario, but am willing to be realistic about this. a few years back i had a crush at another workplace which ended up in rejection and i ended up looking like a fool, so i guess my overriding feeling was not to risk that again and to ignore everything in the hope that the problem will go away. Now I realise it's obviously not going away and I need to resolve it. I do feel some sort of apology would be in order, and just acknowledge the fact that we kissed and that didn't know how to approach it and have been tongue tied. Then leave her alone (not ignore her, but just act normally around her).

[dropdeadlegs]

I understand your concern about getting involved with a coworker, but a choice must be made.

 

Either you are willing to make a leap (of faith?) or you're not.

 

I'm careful, not impulsive, about coworker relationships, but I also stand by the line of thought that nothing ventured is nothing gained.

 

Based on the timeline you have provided, I would guess that this girl is interested in you solely from speaking from a girl's point of view, BUT your actions would have implied to me (again, a girl) that you were not feeling so inclined. Thus, I might not believe you if you suddenly began showing interest without a conversation explaining why you didn't seem interested before.

 

As for her talk of sexual experience, I would chalk that up to trying to impress you assuming I am understanding this scenario. Then again I don't feel that if she actually has a lot of experience that it should be a deal breaker.

 

For the record, no tough audience here. I remember what it was like to be young.

[lino]

If someone likes you, ignoring them because you are shy will kill any potential attraction. Get over your fear by stepping outside your comfort zone.

 

forgetting the because you are shy part, I've found that the opposite happens actually. Both for myself and others.

I think it's working for the OP too, he's ignoring her but she still wants attention from him at the end of the day.

The question is what does he really want out of it?

If it's just a fling then I think he's got it in the bag.

[silverstar189]

theres a lot of differing thought here, but a lot of good insight too.

 

I just got back from work a few hours ago. I had the intention of explaining things over a beer today but i was on an early and she was on a late. Unusually for her she rocks up 15 minutes late for work (most unusual, shes usually the early one and i'm always the last minute one). Theres other spaces free, including next to the doting friend she usually sits next to, but instead comes and sits down next to me. I can't remember the last time she sat next to me, as she sits with the office clones generally and i have my own spot in the middle of the 'undesirables'. She looks pretty p155ed, and i know enough to leave her be. Doting guy comes over and they have a quiet conversation, not something i listened to, but i did catch a faint 'go away'. I decided to get out of the comfort zone and I just acted normally round her, including her in conversations and sharing the crossword (ok, i stole it from her, but after that we were sharing). We were being civil towards each other, and she brought up that i owe her a beer (in all fairness, i think she did buy the last round). She wasn't flirting that I could tell, no more than the odd smile like anybody else, but as Caliguy said, i'm lousy noticing these things. I said we'll definitely have to arrange it, or words to that effect, which I'm sure she'll take as to mean next time we're on the same shift, as that's what usually happens.

 

Yes I like her, in the sense that I find her pretty and intelligent, which especially shows in her eyes. It's an all round rather than just a sexual attraction. I'm not really looking for a fling. She's sharp witted, which may intimidate some but I'm confident around her when we do talk and i'm always quick to respond. I play the big man at work and am full of confidence around other people, which let's face it can be appealing (i'm not trying to blow my own trumpet, after all, i am spending the whole evening in on my own on the internet, as i did last night). I think that because she makes me falter a bit where noone else does in the office i've become defensive. Coming clean to her would be a submissive move, if you think of it like that, exposing a chink in my armour. Of course I need to apologise for ignoring her for a year, but I don't want to throw myself at her feet afterwards, and I don't think she'd like it either. But if it's between being the guy who makes the leap and the guy that doesn't, it has to be the former.

[silverstar189]

whats going to be the best way to explain things to her without sounding like a **** do you think?

[dropdeadlegs]

Maybe just say that you take office romances seriously? As in you don't want to risk a messy work relationship for anything less than what you feel is worth the risk?

[silverstar189]

that sounds about right, its the reason that the hesitation developed in the first place. In my opinion, if you're going to get involved with a coworker, the juice had better be worth the squeeze.