Karma101 Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 Just broke up with my BF of 9 months. Loved him to death. Always will. Unfortunately, he was in the process of divorcing when we met and when it came close to really being final, his wife decided she wanted to reconcile. 20 years together, 3 kids... I get it. I have to go NC with this man, cold turkey, given that he is getting back with his wife. I have to respect that decision and his devotion to his family. I have no false hope that we will ever be together again. It's over. Time to heal. I've read so many posts here that NC is the best means to healing a broken heart. I can't imagine not talking to this man every day, let alone not seeing him. It's been so long since I've been in this lousy situation. When will it get better?
wareagle Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 Yes NC is the best way to healing a broken heart and moving on with your life! Most of us here if not all of us preach NC! I would not be where I am now without it! In your case I don't see any other way but NC!! He has made a decision to make things work with his wife. You have to respect that! If things are going to work out for him and marriage than you can't be in the middle of that! It's sucks for you I know, but you now have to put that chapter of your life behind you chalk it up to a learning experience, and move on! Not to sound mean or anything, but I bet next time you will think twice about getting involved with someone who has this much baggage? Life is a learning experience, once you stop learning you stop living!! Goodluck!
CaliGuy Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 It is the fastest way to heal though not easy by any means. Think of it as going "cold turkey" trying to quit smoking. Relationships is many ways are like drugs. You crave the feelings you had when you were together. Now that they are gone you are in withdrawl. Stick to NC. It's tough but absolutely the fastest way to heal and move on IMHO.
ed-205 Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 I would like to add that NC is the *first step* to healing, but if it means you lay around the house quietly feeling lonely and sorry for yourself, then you're going backwards. The necessary *second step* is to force yourself to get out and start living again, which can feel a little awkward especially if you're coming out of a long relationship. Visit your friends, go to church, join a Mixed Bowling League or a Volunteer Group. Maybe even take a part-time job. Do whatever you have to do to rebuild your social life and start living again.
orangehose Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 NC is most DEFINITELY a necessary foundation, but lately I have been thinking that true healing goes beyond that. I'm not sure what those additional levels are, beyond of course going out, doing new things and all the old standards. I feel like there is a fundamental mental shift that needs to occur. How to make this happen, I'm not yet sure...
Meaplus3 Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 It is indeed the best way to move past a relationship. By going complete NC you Break the emotional connection you once had with that person making it easier to move past feelings and heal. While it may be very tough.. and a struggle at the start, the long term benefit is worth it. Stay strong, You can do it. AP:)
Author Karma101 Posted September 8, 2008 Author Posted September 8, 2008 Well this afternoon was our last contact. We spent a few hours together saying what needed to be said. Lots of tears and I love you's. I couldn't ask for more closure in terms of ending a relationship. No hard feelings. Only love. True love, for me anyway. I highly respect his decision to give his marriage another try. Do I think it will work given their history? It seems doubtful, but that's for him to figure out. I only wish him all the happiness in the world. Like I said, I do not hold out hope for us ever getting back together. Long story, but it did happen almost literally overnight. One day we were happy together, making our own plans and the next she came right out of the woodwork asking for a 2nd chance. Guess the details don't really matter at this point. I love him more than anything, and that includes enough to let him go...as much as it hurts. NC is the only option. I can't interfere or disrespect their decision to reconcile. He said he would drop me an email from time to time to let me know how he's doing, and that's fine. Obviously I will be curious. He asked me to do the same, if I felt I could. This would be casual contact with no hidden agenda. By no means some veiled attempt to win him back. As a matter of fact, he said that any email I sent him could very well be read by his wife. She cheated and they are doing the whole "transparency" thing as a means to rebuild trust. Right now I'm just getting through the days. It's only been official since yesterday. It's hard. I guess you could call it withdrawl. He readily admits it's hard for him too. Ending a realtionship on good terms + NC = I am complete emotional mess!
tealeafbud Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 I think not only NC but NC with an intention of getting your life together once again. I mean, NC is great, but if you are NC and constantly thinking about the past and thinking about the ex, NC might as well be thrown out the window. This realization came to me when I realized I need work harder to get over the person I'm trying to get over and even though it's been almost 40 days of NC, I still feel sadness and hurt at times.
gd26 Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 In your situation, NC is really the only way to go. I know right now you feel a sense of despair, but wait a few weeks and I guarantee you the attitude will start to change. You'll start to feel really angry at him. He isn't a victim in this. He CHOSE to go back to her. When it came time to weigh the scale between going back to her or staying with you... he chose to go back to her. Yes I understand that they were married a long time and have kids. I fully support spouses trying to save a marriage if possible. However, if he knew that he would go back to her if she wanted him.... then he had no business being with you in the first place. He only should have gotten with new women once that door to her was closed. It's like he got together with you thinking about you as a 'plan B' in case she didn't change her mind. That doesn't show you a lot of respect as a person... who wants to be a string along? You don't deserve to be anyone's second choice... you deserve better. Move on fully. This one doesn't deserve another chance. Plus even if things end up not working out between them.... do you want to someday get back with him KNOWING that you were his fallback option? I wouldn't.
Author Karma101 Posted September 8, 2008 Author Posted September 8, 2008 Yes I understand that they were married a long time and have kids. I fully support spouses trying to save a marriage if possible. However, if he knew that he would go back to her if she wanted him.... then he had no business being with you in the first place. He only should have gotten with new women once that door to her was closed. It's like he got together with you thinking about you as a 'plan B' in case she didn't change her mind. That doesn't show you a lot of respect as a person... who wants to be a string along? Of course I'm mad. Mostly hurt actually. He says that he had made peace with the fact that there would be no reconciliation btwn them. She showed no interest and continued in a relationship for well over a year with the man she began the affair with while they were still living togther. Heck, she even moved this boyfriend into "their" house after he left. "He" moved forward with the divorce proceedings... Hiring a Realtor to sell "their" house, taking his child/parenting class required by our state to divorce, and beginning mediation - 1st "mini" round was last Wed., 1st "real" round with both of them present was scheduled for this upcoming week. He said even today that he had planned for the divorce to be final by the end of the year. I truly don't believe he thought she would ever come back and thus continued moving forward in a relationship with me. As fate would have it, they talked about getting back together this past Tues/Wed and made if official with the kids by Fri. Seems awfully quick to me, but who am I to judge. He has not moved back into their home yet. He actually lives right down the street from me, which makes this even harder. As I said, it feels like it happen over freakin' night. I am still a bit numb and totally overwhelmed with my emotions right now. I understand what you're saying, but I truly don't feel like he strung me along hoping that she might change her mind. He seems just as surprised as me that she all of a sudden seems so open and genuine about reconciliation. In reality though, as much as he says he loves me, as much as he says that he is missing me terribly right now, as much as he says that he feels like I am the most compatible woman for him and he could have seen himself spending the rest of his life with me... Even though he says he's in love with me and that he feels like he "could" be in love again with her with work, we have only 9 months together, they have 20 years and 3 kids. I can't compete. As much as it hurts me, I admire his determination to keep his family together. He's a bit old school... Doesn't want to be the 1st in his family to divorce, strongly believes that children should be brought up in a 2 parent household, etc. He's a good man with strong values. Frankly, she's damn lucky to have him! There is nothing about this man I would change, except his marital status, of course. For me, he was perfect. OK, so NC all the way. I promised him that I would update him with some medical test results that I should be getting in the next couple of weeks. I will keep it brief and casual, and of course, ask how's he's doing. Can't help but be curious about that. All the while knowing that she may end up reading the email. And after that... I'll leave it up to him to give me updates on his new direction in life as/if he feels he can with absolutely no expectations. I know I have to get out of the house and start to live the "single" life again. Right now I'm content with sitting at home and licking my wounds for a bit. I know my broken heart will heal in time, but right now I just ache all over. Can't sleep, can't eat...You know the drill. It just sucks out loud!
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