Hating myself Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 Hello, I am new to this site and just wanted to vent today. My exMM and I have been broken up almost 2 years and it still hurts me to this day. I was the one that broke it off because he accused me of cheating on him. He had been separated from his wife for 2 years and had lived with me for a few months. He kept telling me that nobody had ever been as good to him as I had and nobody had ever shown him as much love. I bought into every bit of it. I did everything I could to show him how much I loved him. I didn't want him to be without anything. To make a long story short, we were still friends after I kicked him out and he wanted me to think about moving into his son's rental house with him and split the costs. I went and looked at the house with him one day and we spent the whole day together(yes, we were intimate). He kept telling me that day that he was so ready to be divorced and away from all the drama at his house. I went out with a friend from work that night and couldn't reach him for 2 days and I knew he wasn't at work. I finally got in touch with him and he told me that his wife had called the day that we had been intimate and he had gone to see her and his kids that day and ended up staying for 2 days. I asked him if he was moving back home and he said no, that it had been a mistake to go to see her. I really lost my temper with him and told him exactly how I felt about him. I haven't spoken to him since then, and he moved back home the week after that. I feel like I blinked and missed something. I feel as if I failed him somehow. This man is 55 years old and an alcoholic. I know in my head that I dodged a bullet, but my heart hasn't realized it yet. I miss him a lot and I wonder if he is happier now. I know that I'm not. I just feel like such a loser. I guess I just want him to suffer a little and know that he broke my heart. I can never get angry with him. I always turn it in on myself and wonder what he ever saw in me. I have never been involved with a married man and I never asked him to leave. He came to me and said he wanted a relationship with me.
whichwayisup Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 This man is 55 years old and an alcoholic And he's only going to get worse. Look how he handles his problems! He drinks and he cheats. He lies, he betrays.. Don't turn this onto yourself, and please, don't put yourself down, that's not helping at all, it's only making you feel worse. All you can do now is try your best to heal, and be thankful it's ended. You may not see that now, but one day you WILL feel this way.
jj33 Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 HM - I know how difficult it can be. If we blame ourselves we feel like we had some control over the situation. But we dont. We dont have any control over how other people feel or behave. Today is the first day since I started seeing MM over 2 years ago that I feel free of the whole thing and we broke up over a year ago. It has plagued me night and day. I had been angry in the past screamed cried the whole gambit but over the past few days I really got in touch (for lack of a better phrase) with the anger - not the hurt, the anger. And now I am done. All of the sudden I feel like I dont care. I hope he finds happiness but I dont care about our interactions the way I did before. Find the anger. Feel it. It takes two but you have already blamed yourself more than enough. If you feel the anger it may help you in breaking free of the pain. Hang in there. It will get better.
Author Hating myself Posted September 7, 2008 Author Posted September 7, 2008 Hi, Thanks for your replies. Some days are better than others. I have been on anti-depressants and seeing a psychiatrist to help me deal with this ordeal. I wish I had listened to my ex when he told me he was dead inside and didn't think he would ever love me. I was so stupid to risk giving him my heart. I guess he wasn't as dead as he claimed to be. He obviously loved her, or he wouldn't have gone back to the hell he claimed it to be. I know how guys try to paint an evil picture of their wife. But he wasn't the only one who told me how unstable she is. I have had other people tell me they were so glad he was with me and away from her. I just don't understand why it was so easy for him to hurt me. I wouldn't have hurt him for anything. Sometimes when I am feeling ok, I think that I am lucky that I can do anything with my life and he is stuck in his life. I just wish sometimes that I could talk to him. I haven't spoken a word to him in over a year. I see him occasionally at work and I just ignore him. I don't want him to see the pain that he has caused me.
whichwayisup Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 It is possible during his affair with you, he was purposely gaslighting her, making her crazy..Anyway, obviously their marriage isn't and wasn't half as bad as he made it out to be - Men WILL leave if a marriage is truly awful.. The best thing now you can do is stop worrying and stop thinking about the status of his marriage and what goes on there. You're doing the right thing by ignoring him! And most of all, showing NO emotion. Don't EVER give him that ego feed (him thinking you're missing him, feeling sad, wanting him) all that will do is pump him up! It probably bugs him that he doesn't know what you think, so keep it that way.
Author Hating myself Posted September 8, 2008 Author Posted September 8, 2008 Hi, I don't know why this is bothering me so much lately. I have tried so hard to move on, but I am terrified of dating again. I can't go through the pain again and I feel like I don't have anything to offer anybody. I just feel like I lost everything-my dignity and self-respect mostly. I never begged him to come back to me. I was too proud to do that to myself. One one hand, I am glad that I don't have to sit there and watch him get drunk every nite, but on the other hand, I wish it was me he was coming home to. I don't understand why I feel this way. I guess I feel that if he couldn't love me, then noone else will. I am just having a pity party tonite. Just very lonely. I don't want to go out because I feel that all people see when they look at me is a loser and that is exactly what I see when I look in the mirror. It's hard being alone when you can't even stand yourself most of the time.
whichwayisup Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 He had to choose, you or his wife and children. He put himself IN that situation where he had to choose. IF he was single, well, you wouldn't be posting here.. Sadly, the pain of having an affair with a MP is pain when it ends. Yes, there are afew OW and OW here who have ended up with their MM/MW, but most of the time that isn't the case.. If this guy was single and he hurt you, or it ended badly, would you allow him to have such power over you? To never trust, to never fall inlove again? If no, then why let a MM have that over you? Point is, from day one you knew this guy was married and there was always a chance from the get-go that you'd have your heart broken.. Don't let HIM ruin your faith and trust in future relationships! You can have happiness again, once you've healed and dealt with your pain - I'll be hard work, but you can do it..
Author Hating myself Posted September 8, 2008 Author Posted September 8, 2008 It's me, again. I know where a lot of my insecurities come from-my mother. I just got off the phone with my sister and she told me that my mom called my 12 year old niece a dumb*** and stupid. She used to call me the same things. She also told me that I wasn't smart enough to go to college, so I quit. Most parents want their children to do better than they did-not her. I have talked to my psychiatrist about her and she doesn't know how I have come as far as I have. I have a good job and I am making more money than I ever thought possible. That doesn't impress her any. My brother is a stock broker in Florida making 6 figures and she just turns her nose up at everything he does for her. I have never heard her say that she loves me. She won't even tell her grandchildren when they tell her they love her. My dad was the affectionate one and I lost him to suicide when I was 26. The reason I am saying all this is-I don't wonder why I look for love so desperately. My ex not loving me was hard enough, but my mom not loving me kills me. I am the oldest of 5 and I always thought if I was as good as I could be and not ask for anything-people would love me. Instead, all I have learned is that it seems that the worse you treat people the more they like you. My mom knew about my relationship with my ex. She didn't approve. I called her one night and poured my heart out to her. Something I have never done. The only thing I got from her was I got what I deserved. Maybe she is right, but I have feelings, too and I pretty much have noone to talk to about how I hurt.
bentnotbroken Posted September 8, 2008 Posted September 8, 2008 It is time to find your validation from within yourself. It is obvious that everyone shouldn't be a parent. Just check out some of the posts on here and other places. When you get the poison out of your life, you begin to heal old wounds. But as long as you keep looking for her to approve of your life and decisions you aren't going to heal. At some point we all have to take responsibility for our choices. It seems that your mother doesn't know how to love or be loved. People like her will thrive on the misery she causes others, don't let that be the reason you self destruct. Find your inner strength and use it to grow into the person God intended you to be. And you won't find what you truly need in a relationship with someone else's spouse. That is settling for less. It is settling for what you believe you deserve, not to be happy. First learn to make yourself happy and then you won't settle for the cake eating crap of a donkey who uses others.
Author Hating myself Posted September 8, 2008 Author Posted September 8, 2008 Thanks for the advice. I know that I shouldn't be wanting someone else's husband. I know that I went into it with my eyes wide open and shouldn't be surprised at how things turned out. But, I fell in love with him and I can't change that. I never asked him for anything. It was always me doing the giving. A big screen tv, a weight set and to top it all off-the money to file for divorce. Isn't that a kick in the pants? How stupid can I be? My psychiatrist keeps referring to the song, "Everybody plays the fool". I know that I was the fool, but sometimes I can't fathom why it was so easy for him to jerk the rug out from under me. I can't seem to find any peace these days. I know that I will be alright. People have survived a lot worse than this. I know I have a lot to be thankful for in my life-there are people that have a whole lot less than I do. I don't want much in life-just someone that wants to be with me for who I am, not for what I give them materially. I know that was all I was to him. By the way, I kept the tv, but I never got the money back that I gave him for his divorce. If he can live with it, I guess I can live without it. I have learned my lesson. I will NEVER get involved with another married man. That was my first and last time.
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